About to leave my husband: advice please

[Katbum]

Hello,

I've made the decision to end my marriage. We have been married under a year and have a one year old baby. I am the breadwinner earning 70k. We live in south London. My husband looks after baby full time while I work, but obviously this won't continue when we seperate as he will have to fund his own life. We rent a property (small flat, all in circa £2k pcm), and I am responsible for all expenses. I own a house which is rented out: I don't earn anything from that per se, but it covers itself as an investment. My husband has no interest in that property. I am panicking about how I will afford childcare - how do people do it? It's looking like £80 minimum per day for full time care for a one year old, and I cannot afford that on top of everything else. No chance of getting any money out of husband once we are over, so that's not an option. Please help so I can get on with my life.

Oh do fuck off

Yes all on my wage. It’s a lot of pressure, I take home about £3600 (after tax and pension) - £2k on flat and bills, then £200-300 on food, £200 travel, £100-200 clothes/toiletries - I’m sure I’m forgetting stuff but there’s not much more than £100 left at the end of any one month. So not like the amount I’d need for childcare.

Joint tenancy. I’d sign it over to him happily but he would not get housing benefit for that sum unless he had full custody, which isn’t going to happen.

Does he know your plans?

Not yet. He obviously realises things aren’t good between us, but he wants to try. I am past trying. Lots I don’t want to divulge but there is an ex partner and stepchild too, with a lot of drama that is ceaseless, along with all the burden of everything. I’m done.

Thank absolute goodness for women that times have moved on from the 50s where this poster exists, and women aren't forced to stay in misery any more.

Bloody spiteful. Have a word with yourself! Reported.

You say that your house pays for itself as an investment - what would the finances look like if you moved there? Or has equity built up enough that you could sell and still have a decent deposit for something suitable fit you and DC?

I agree with this. When faced with the realities, your husband may want to claim anything he feels he’s entitled to. Especially as he’s been the primary carer.

He may be entitled to alimony and if he’s assigned more than 50% custody, child support too. Consult a lawyer asap before you do anything.

Who pays his maintenance obligations for his other child?

She doesn’t enforce it and he doesn’t pay. They have an agreement - I think they dissolved an overseas business and he gave her his share on the split up. Anyway. Out of
that now.

Probably no one which is why he's happy staying home playing dad. I bet his other ex is livid!

Its a short marriage so that will be taken into account in terms of how things could be weighed and measured. You need to get a sense of where he is going to go with this if you call time on the marriage. You seem very certain that he will revert to a single life with regular father time? You know your situation best it sounds as if you are holding all the heavy lifting in terms of organizing, paying and life laundry chores in exchange for him absorbing the child care. As you are now aware child care is expensive particularly when you need it to wrap around a full-time job with a commute.

Do you have any family help that could step in? Do you have the option of working from home to reduce costs? Realistically child care costs are high and remain so for many years to come even when school kicks in. Its like a second mortgage. Does your employer offer any help towards childcare schemes or have its own nursery? What do other people do in your employment sector with young children.

If you are serious about ending the marriage you need to get things in order as you are both jointly liable for assets and debts as it stands and you will want to get that legally separated as soon as possible to avoid each of you being able to put the other into debt.

If you can agree as much as possible together you could hopefully use mediation as a lower cost way of getting through the divorce. Legal costs are not cheap and you are entering a time of increased demand for those services. Now more than ever you need to develop a robust support network who can help you with the demands of parenting.

What’s the reason you are renting a flat when you own your own home?

Would your job allow for long hours over fewer days?

If you can both do long hours over fewer days then you may be able to get away broth having less childcare costs.

Seek legal advice and never assume what your DH will want in the divorce. When he sees a divorce lawyer the advice he will receive will likely not be in your favour.

I agree.

You’re also breaking up with him and taking his child away 50% of the time.

It’s likely he will be very upset and that will impact what he wants in the divorce.

You need legal advice OP. You can file for the divorce yourself online, it costs just under £600 but it asks if you have a financial/consent order. You can proceed without but he could turn around and ask for part of your pension or the house, despite you being divorced, without it. A straightforward agreement is £1500 - £2000, if he contests anything it'll spiral.

My ex has got quite picky during our divorce - conveniently remembering things he paid for and forgetting what I'd paid for, forgetting I hadn't worked for nearly 3 years following the birth of our child but still paid the same amount into our joint account as when I was working, ignored that my parents paid £10k towards our home improvements etc. We're splitting everything 50/50 but every couple of weeks he'll say "oh but I paid £xxx for this" and I'll have to counter it. Hence the consent order because this isn't who he usually is.

This

The house is a marital asset and will form part of the settlement that is up for negotiation. My friend is going through similar and her rental property has gone in the pot so to speak. The settlement will depend greatly on who is the primary carer of the child.

Yes it could well be 50/50 shared care but these situations have an awful habit of turning nasty very quickly. You could end up with every other weekend and paying him maintenance.

Please seek legal advice as a priority.

Sorry the quote went wrong.

You say he won't get housing benefit unless he has full custody which won't happen.

This is exactly why he may seek to be primary carer once he has had legal advice.

Get Legal advice fast. Whilst your marriage is still short.

Otherwise you could find him rinsing you in a divorce.