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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those who have sons and daughters

96 replies

Trivialpursuitgamer · 31/12/2023 15:16

What are your experiences of the following:

A woman gets pregnant and is secretly hoping for a girl. She however finds out she's going to have a boy and is slightly disappointed (or shocked or fearful) of how to raise a boy b/c she feels like she doesn't know how to be with boys. Then the boy is born and she falls in love: what an adorable cuddly little boy!
She however still hopes to have a daughter too. She eventually has a daughter and feels complete.
What she finds out as years go by is that her son is actually way easier to get along with and she finds her daughter way more challenging, clingy, stubborn etc. She thinks it is a "personality thing" but in fact seems to happen in most families.

Are there any exceptions out here? I've seen this happen in most families in my neighbourhood and my circle of friends. Would be nice to hear if there is anyone who does NOT feel this way. It seems to be so common.

OP posts:
troppibambini6 · 31/12/2023 17:25

3 of each here and it's utter rubbish.

Spendonsend · 31/12/2023 17:34

I have seen some mums have quite high expectations of what their daughter will be like in terms of interests, hobbies and personality and some mums have more opinions on what their daughter will/should wear. This can lead to clashes when the daughter has her own opinions. Just like i think some fathers clash a bit more with their sons due to their own expectations.
Its not universal obviously.

mondaytosunday · 31/12/2023 17:44

Not my experience, though they are young yet (18 and 20). Both are independent and at times needy in different ways. My son did move out at 18 though, and lives on his own. My daughter will move out at 19 but for uni (which is not quite independent living). It's easier living with my daughter as we are more similar.
I was talking to a relative with one of each just yesterday. They are 30 and 26. The daughter was also easier to live with - he said there was always a bit of tension when the son lived at home. It may have been the father and son were too similar? I don't know. I have friends who battle with their daughters more than their sons too - I wouldn't say it's neediness it's more personality clashes.

Original poster
Trivialpursuitgamer · 31/12/2023 17:45

5128gap · 31/12/2023 17:11

There is a strong narrative that sons are 'easier', closer to their mums, more loving etc. I've heard this a lot. My own theory is that it's based in higher expectations for females than males. So when our DD is 'easy', loving and affectionate and avoids trouble, we think it's as it should be. When our son is these things we think he's 'such a good boy'.

Many PPs above say they don't recognize this narrative - I think that's a good thing. Hopefully times are changing. Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+ (2/3 of my aunts, but none of my 30+ cousins), younger mums not so. I agree "clingy and difficult girls" might be about different expectations in a society, not always this simple but probably a factor.

I am glad there are so many on MN who don't recognise such phenomenon. I've paid attention to how mums describe their bond with their kids since I was a child. There was a pattern but yes, less and less common now that I think about it generation-wise.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 17:51

Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+

Do you know how old the people posting are?

DifficultPifficultLemonDifficult · 31/12/2023 17:54

I have boys and girls, didn't place any expectations on having either.

That sounds like the problem here, secretly hoping for a daughter to fulfil some need that she can't live up to, whereas there were no expectations of having a son.

theprincessthepea · 31/12/2023 17:55

I have heard from parents with both that there are slight differences based on gender but most of the differences is down to personality more than anything.

I have a daughter and she has been a pleasure - from having to look after boy and girl nieces and nephews I have found very very slight gender differences - the boys tended to be more hyperactive and sensitive and the girls had this cheeky streak I can’t put into words and were generally more independent. Again I don’t have a huge pool to draw on but it seems to be the same type of characteristics that are mentioned when I speak to parents that have both.

Other than that I’d say the way that you bond with them is so much more about personality than their gender. Me and my daughter get on largely because of her personality and maybe the way she has been raised? I clash with my mum because we have opposite personalities yet my mum and sister get on because they are more compatible - again not gender related.

I am interested in this convo as my next will be a boy and me and my daughter are nervous (that’s how close we are haha!) because we don’t spend much time with men - I am a lone parent and my family is full of women but we know the new addition will be a person and we will treat him like family.

Inwill admit I did check star signs for compatibility! I don’t live my life on them - but once again personality over gender.

dingledells · 31/12/2023 17:56

I know a few people who are like this but imo
its because they had quite fixed ideas of what their daughters would be like & when the daughter is different they find her “challenging”.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 17:56

SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 17:51

Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+

Do you know how old the people posting are?

I presume not.

I'm in my fifties and so are most of my friends. I've never come across this bizarre narrative, so you can ditch the ageist nonsense. This seems to be peculiar to you and your peer group, OP.

Resilience · 31/12/2023 17:58

I have boy/girl twins so I'm a good control in that sense.

I adore both of mine equally but differently. They're grown up now but even as teens I genuinely enjoyed their company. No favourites here.

What I would say, gently (because society actively encourages this crap), is that some of the problem might be based on sexist stereotypes. There's no real reason why anyone should parent any differently for a boy than a girl. Ideas about having a girl so you can, for example, go on girly shopping trips together, are forcing an adult's views on gender roles on to a child. Depending on how far a child's natural personality 'deviates' from that gender norm you can end up with a very stroppy teen when they naturally want to assert their independence. By this stage however, it's not so much about wanting to rebel against their gender, it's push back against an adult telling them how to behave, think and feel.

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 18:05

Not read the whole thread.

I do have one boy and one girl.

As it happens my son is much more affectionate, open to communication and in a lot of ways less moody.

Sometimes I wonder if it is the way i treated them as babies. Then i think they are just very different people with their own personalities and there is no rule around what a baby's character/personality will be like irrespective of their sex.

OP just love your daughter as she is. The challenge is to resist thinking "if only you were less stroppy"or whatever and try to see it as something curious about her personality.

dingledells · 31/12/2023 18:07

What I have noticed with friends who only had 2 dc (one of each gender) is that they often pair off, mum & daughter does something & dad & son goes off. I only had sisters & wider family, friends all had 3 dc plus so parents were always outnumbered & we never really split to do things. But maybe it’s a numbers thing rather than gender?

KrisAkabusi · 31/12/2023 18:07

If you were 'secretly hoping for a girl', how do you know "I've seen this happen in most families in my neighbourhood and my circle of friends"?

How do you know what they all secretly wanted? It's all nonsense.

5128gap · 31/12/2023 18:21

Trivialpursuitgamer · 31/12/2023 17:45

Many PPs above say they don't recognize this narrative - I think that's a good thing. Hopefully times are changing. Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+ (2/3 of my aunts, but none of my 30+ cousins), younger mums not so. I agree "clingy and difficult girls" might be about different expectations in a society, not always this simple but probably a factor.

I am glad there are so many on MN who don't recognise such phenomenon. I've paid attention to how mums describe their bond with their kids since I was a child. There was a pattern but yes, less and less common now that I think about it generation-wise.

Show quote history

Well I'm in my 50s, but as it happens it's not my peer group I've heard it from. It's actually on here. Have a look at any of the 'gender disappointment' threads (it's almost always an OP who's having a boy) and it won't be long before there are multiple responses telling the OP boys are more loving, easier, they get on better with them etc. So it's definitely a thing that people say.

Mariposistaa · 31/12/2023 18:23

Have one of each. Daughter is the feisty one! Is determined to be a police officer (and she will make a brilliant one - excellent problem solver and takes no nonsense). Fiercely defensive of me and her brother. Son is 18 months older, quieter, loves his rugby and reading, has a nice group of friends. They both have their challenges and easy points - I am very lucky, they are both fabulous kids who of course sometimes get it wrong or push the boundaries but don't give me half the trouble I read about on this forum!

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 18:40

Hopefully times are changing. Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+ (2/3 of my aunts, but none of my 30+ cousins), younger mums not so

You are making yourself sound more ridiculous as you go on.
I am in my 50s, as are my siblings, and so many of my friends. You are talking utter nonsense.

merrymerrychristmasall · 31/12/2023 18:43

The Demographic to which you refer would be the global population so I am fairly certain that this generalisation isn’t wholly representative or accurate. Confused

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 31/12/2023 18:44

Hopefully times are changing. Now that I think about it, it is more commonly heard of women in their 50s+ (2/3 of my aunts, but none of my 30+ cousins), younger mums not so

I'm in my 50s. Neither I nor any of my friends would spout this nonsense.

gabsdot45 · 31/12/2023 18:44

That is my experience. Boys wreck your house, girls wreck your head.
I adore both my kids but my DD has been harder work. ( And very stubborn)

MermaidEyes · 31/12/2023 18:49

There is a strong narrative that sons are 'easier', closer to their mums, more loving etc. I've heard this a lot

This is interesting. When I look at the men I know (all 40s/50s) pretty much none of them are close to their mothers. In fact, all of them prefer to spend time with their wife/partners family. Might be a generation thing.

shamshir · 31/12/2023 18:51

Spendonsend · 31/12/2023 17:34

I have seen some mums have quite high expectations of what their daughter will be like in terms of interests, hobbies and personality and some mums have more opinions on what their daughter will/should wear. This can lead to clashes when the daughter has her own opinions. Just like i think some fathers clash a bit more with their sons due to their own expectations.
Its not universal obviously.

I agree with this. You absolutely cannot generalise. However, I also know several women who desperately wanted daughters because they saw them as some kind of mini me extension of themselves and then ended up disappointed that their daughters were individuals who didnt actually enjoy doing the same things that they did. Its a bit silly to have such expectations of your child purely based on the fact they are the same gender as you.

Bladwdoda · 31/12/2023 18:53

I had a son first and find him easier to spend time with but it is because we are more similar (quiet, introverts, nerdy). My DD is my total opposite, which makes it harder but I have been conscious about finding common ground and things that we both enjoy. I don’t think the difference is anything to do with sex, in fact I think my DD probably has
more stereotypical “male” characteristics.

I wasn’t bothered about the sex of either of my kids and didn’t have a preference.

I find what you say familiar in some of my wider family of aunts (in 50/60/70s). They expect girls to help and treat the boys much better. I can’t say I have noticed that behaviour with anyone of my generation, but maybe it is just less obvious. I do think I and my friends are quite aware reflective people though, where as my aunts wouldn’t ever think twice about sex difference in how they treat their kids.

MuchTooTired · 31/12/2023 18:53

B/G twins for me, and it was exactly as described in your OP. Except… my DD whilst incredibly challenging a lot of the time is actually a mini me but a better version. She’s kind, funny, super confident and just all round a really special person who’s going to conquer the world and my only wish is that she does it and no bloke ever knocks the sparkle out of her.

I suspect (like myself) she has as yet undiagnosed adhd which makes parenting her more challenging. I’ve been googling and trying new methods that work for her with reasonable success, which is making things easier all round for both of us, and means we don’t get locked in some ridiculous situations where we both want our own way. Admittedly they’re only 5, so have a long way to go, but both my kids rock in their own way!

VanLife33 · 31/12/2023 19:07

I have 1 of each and recognise what you say.
I had my son first, he is very easy going, cuddly and can compromise...
My daughter is very head strong and stubborn .. still loves her cuddles and doesn't like to be away from me. But once she has made her mind up about something then there's no changing it.
They are close in age so maybe we just gave in to her more to make life easier at the time when they were younger.
Maybe it's just a personality thing .. I'm easy going .. dad is stubborn... So inherited traits..
Maybe we treated them differently.. Frist born / second born .. boy/girl
I dunno !

MondayBags678 · 31/12/2023 19:16

Personality
my son is easy going loving and well behaved
one dd is highly strung, chaotic, noisy, messy and challenging, strong willed etc we clash a lot
other dd so loving, calm , quiet and so easy going very much like her brother and nothing like her sister