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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Those who have sons and daughters

96 replies

Trivialpursuitgamer · 31/12/2023 15:16

What are your experiences of the following:

A woman gets pregnant and is secretly hoping for a girl. She however finds out she's going to have a boy and is slightly disappointed (or shocked or fearful) of how to raise a boy b/c she feels like she doesn't know how to be with boys. Then the boy is born and she falls in love: what an adorable cuddly little boy!
She however still hopes to have a daughter too. She eventually has a daughter and feels complete.
What she finds out as years go by is that her son is actually way easier to get along with and she finds her daughter way more challenging, clingy, stubborn etc. She thinks it is a "personality thing" but in fact seems to happen in most families.

Are there any exceptions out here? I've seen this happen in most families in my neighbourhood and my circle of friends. Would be nice to hear if there is anyone who does NOT feel this way. It seems to be so common.

OP posts:

midtownmum · 31/12/2023 16:02

This is ridiculous. They're people, not archetypes. My daughter is sightly clingy at times, she's a bit prone to anxiety, but she's also very sunny and happy and show-offy and just generally hugely funny and entertaining. DS is hard work and intense but extremely loving, creative and imaginative. DD is easier to get on with, to be honest. I did have the first bit - I wanted a DD first. Had DS, fell in love... but then it diverged from your narrative as having DD didn't make me "feel complete", I'd have been happy with another son as I knew then that children are their own people and never going to be the child you imagined anyway.

ChanelNo19EDT · 31/12/2023 16:03

I've one of each and my son, although adorable as a baby, has been a nightmare since puberty. I get on well with DD. She is respectful, funny, sometimes brave sometimes vulnerable but there's a relationship there, a strong one. Love her so much. My son has dehumanised me. It's been v difficult. Would have loved two girls. I wish I'd done that shettles method.

Silvers11 · 31/12/2023 16:05

@Trivialpursuitgamer What she finds out as years go by is that her son is actually way easier to get along with and she finds her daughter way more challenging, clingy, stubborn etc. She thinks it is a "personality thing" but in fact seems to happen in most families.

I had a daughter first and then my son, 4 years later. My DD was NEVER clingy: very independent from the day she could move around under her own steam. Son was very clingy from the day he was born. They are both Grown Adults now, with children of their own. My experience was that my relationship with either of them tended to be different depending on their ages at any given moment. Some stages I found my daughter was 'easier' than her brother at the same age. Other stages my son was easier.

I do think it is personalities of course ( parents and the children) but I don't recognise the way you have described them according to their genders! At the end of the day both parents and children are simply people with their own experiences and natures and some will relate better than others in different circumstances

Ffsmakeitstop · 31/12/2023 16:05

I have a girl and two boys. Only one of he boys has been what you might call a pain in the arse but not all the time. The others have been great none of this teenage angst you hear about. They are in their 30s now and it's lovely we are all close.

diddl · 31/12/2023 16:06

Eventually has a daughter?

Was the daughter fawned over/spoilt/indulged in a way that the son wasn't?

Sometimes the older has to wait whilst the baby is looked after first.

Maybe that can make them more laid back/patient/accepting?

neverbeenskiing · 31/12/2023 16:07

I have one of each and nothing in your OP resonates with me at all.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 31/12/2023 16:07

I think age is relevant here, I do believe the mother daughter diad is more complex BUT I don’t think that’s apparent till teens/young adulthood.

Yhrist · 31/12/2023 16:11

I think that’s rubbish. We have one of each, wanted a boy first pregnancy and had a girl. Wanted a girl 2nd pregnancy had a boy. Not disappointed at all though. Both are amazing. They both have their moments but on the whole I wouldn’t say one is more difficult / clingy than the other. It’s nice to spend 1-1 time with them though. They are very much their own personalities and don’t fit the way you have described.

Fionaville · 31/12/2023 16:11

I had boy first. Loved having a son, we had a lovely bond and he was so cuddly and fun. I was warned by my MIL that girls aren't as cuddly and are harder to get on with.
Then I had a daughter and everything MIL said was wrong. She's the sweetest, most affectionate girl. Even now as she's entered her teenage years, we have the closest bond and we've never once come to loggerheads. I've never even had to tell her off.
Me and my mum are very close too.
I adore/get along with my son and daughter equally well. If anything though, my relationship with my daughter is easier because temperament/humour wise, she's a mini me!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2023 16:15

Lol at the attempted goady post, since obviously no, that isn't 'most people's' experience.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 31/12/2023 16:18

I have one daughter and three sons. My daughter's birth was by far the easiest and she carried on being the most easygoing baby, toddler and child. She had an early puberty and she breezed through that and the following teenage years, and she's now a confident woman. I don't believe this is because she is a female, I think it's just who she is.

thaegumathteth · 31/12/2023 16:18

Not familiar

One boy then one girl. Didn't care whether I had boys or girls.

Now 17&13 and just totally different people but not because of sex just because of who they are 🤷🏻‍♀️

leama · 31/12/2023 16:19

I have a son and 2 daughters. None of them have been clingy or challenging. I'd say my son has been the most difficult, although he has generally been fine at home and the difficult behaviour has been at school. But overall they've all been pretty good kids.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 16:25

I’d say my two boys have been easier. My DD isn’t difficult but she’s very introvert and hard to read so I worry a lot about her

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 16:32

I have two girls and a boy. I would say that we have had times with all of them where we found one easier or less demanding. Now they’re a bit older (19, 17 & 17) they’re all very chill. (Especially compared to other kids their age…) I try and catch up with each of them on their own for a wee chat every day - to check in, get the goss and have a laugh. (We all work and study so it’s a bit complicated sometimes.) It’s nice to get their different perspectives on things.

Smartiepants79 · 31/12/2023 16:39

I have 2 the same. They are, obviously, very different. One is ‘easier’ than the other. I love the company of both but one is easy going and can’t stay angry for longer than 10
minutes. The other is much more intense, stubborn and can hold a grudge for hours. It’s got nothing to do with their sex.

Nottodaty · 31/12/2023 16:52

I’m one of three girls and have two girls myself - each of my sisters have a different relationship with our parents. This is down to each of our personalities, but also it is influenced by what was happening in our parents lives at pivotal moments in our time. For example my parents divorced when I was 20 and my sister was 14 - our lives changed/impacted in different ways. And have changed the relationships we each have with our parents.

With my two, I’m close to both. They have different personalities and need me to support them and be there in different ways. My youngest is harder but not because she a girl, she’s just very independent and doesn’t need me in quite the same way her older sister does/did.

Fimofriend · 31/12/2023 17:02

internalised misogyny is still misogyny and you need to give your head a wobble.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 17:05

This is ridiculous. They're people, not archetypes.

Quite.

I have both. I don't recognise anything in the opening post.

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 17:08

Not our experience at all. DS (19) is pretty easygoing but has caused us our fair share of worries these last couple of years. Fortunately, that seems to be behind us now. DD (17) is a total dream.

amylou8 · 31/12/2023 17:09

I have 3 adult children, 2 boys and a girl. I get on with all 3 equally as well, we have different things in common, and chat about different things. I'm equally close to all 3 in different ways. DD was by far the easiest as a child though.

5128gap · 31/12/2023 17:11

There is a strong narrative that sons are 'easier', closer to their mums, more loving etc. I've heard this a lot. My own theory is that it's based in higher expectations for females than males. So when our DD is 'easy', loving and affectionate and avoids trouble, we think it's as it should be. When our son is these things we think he's 'such a good boy'.

Pallisers · 31/12/2023 17:13

This is ridiculous. They're people, not archetypes.

This. I have a boy and 2 girls. My sister has the same. I don't recognise any of the OP's scenario.

Badlands1 · 31/12/2023 17:18

Nope- no idea what you are talking about

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 31/12/2023 17:20

I have one of each and don’t recognise any of that..

Same here. Sounds like absolute nonsense to me.

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