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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is incredibly selfish?

36 replies

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 15:15

For context, my sister is 25 yo and has two DC aged 4 and 7 months. Both kids have different dads and she's currently still with the father of DC2.

Father of DC1 is a drug addict who left shortly after the birth.

DS lives with the father of DS2 for the past year or so.

My DS was an absolute bum when she was younger. Didnt do well in GCSEs and left school to jump from various jobs, getting sacked etc. After she had DC1, she went on universal credit.

DC2 was apparently an accident, and she fell pregnant within 2 months of a new relationship. She decided whilst she was pregnant that she was going to do an access course at college to go to uni.

We were all proud of the fact she was wanting to finally better herself - until we heard the actual plans she had in mind.

We live in N.Ireland and she wants to do midwifery, and there is only one uni here that can accommodate her which always has limited places. We had said to her even if she doesnt get in, she can always apply for normal nursing, or apply the following year but she said no, that her next option is to go overseas.

We asked her how this would work. She seems to be under the impression that she will leave both DC at home with her partner (who works full time) and that she can fly back home "at the weekends".

I asked her how 1. She would be able to afford this and 2. Work placements etc would mean coming home every week is not viable 3. She would need a part time job to support herself also

She didnt answer.

She said how her DC also have my mum and myself to help out. How we can take kids "off her partner" at the weekends or some sleepovers whilst she was away. I reminded her that I also work 40 hours a week with an ASD child that is very full on, and my mum also works and cares for my stepdad who is currently in ill health.

She said we can help out with her flights etc "if we want her home".

Ive also concerns that DC1 is not her current partners own child.

AIBU to think that once you have young children, you need to be more considerate of your plans and not expect everyone else to bend over backwards for them?

I wanted to go to uni again also, but I knew it wasn't right for me and DS at this time.

Everyone moving there is not viable as her current partner works here, DC1 has school and living costs higher in mainland.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 31/12/2023 15:18

All you can do is make it clear you won't be providing childcare or contributing to the cost of her flights. If she decides to do it anyway its for her and her partner to deal with the consequences.

stepintochristmas1 · 31/12/2023 15:18

I take it she wants to study in Scotland ?

Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 15:20

stepintochristmas1 · 31/12/2023 15:18

I take it she wants to study in Scotland ?

Liverpool I believe!

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 15:21

FionnulaTheCooler · 31/12/2023 15:18

All you can do is make it clear you won't be providing childcare or contributing to the cost of her flights. If she decides to do it anyway its for her and her partner to deal with the consequences.

I have, apparently I am not being supportive 😂

OP posts:
grimcas · 31/12/2023 15:48

She's talking shite. No way will she be able to afford it, so I wouldn't worry about it actually happening.

Pickles2023 · 31/12/2023 16:07

She wont afford that..i want to get my degree, but its only viable in a degree apprenticeship. As a student part time work isnt exactly going to pay the bills and rent plus childcare..

Think its a bit cheeky for the partner to fund all of that and both kids on one wage and do the childcare.

Plus last time i looked (might have changed now) you couldnt get certain benefits when classed as a student, not sure if thats still the case.

Also degrees are exhausting, a long term commitment esp when you neex to work on top and have responsibilities..

Is she a bit naive and fanciful?

Yellofello · 31/12/2023 16:07

You don’t sound like you think very nicely about her, seems pretty judgy to me. Maybe that’s just this post. Leave her to it. Good luck to her if she can do it.

Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 16:12

Pickles2023 · 31/12/2023 16:07

She wont afford that..i want to get my degree, but its only viable in a degree apprenticeship. As a student part time work isnt exactly going to pay the bills and rent plus childcare..

Think its a bit cheeky for the partner to fund all of that and both kids on one wage and do the childcare.

Plus last time i looked (might have changed now) you couldnt get certain benefits when classed as a student, not sure if thats still the case.

Also degrees are exhausting, a long term commitment esp when you neex to work on top and have responsibilities..

Is she a bit naive and fanciful?

Yeah seems to live in lala land and wants to buy a £300,000 house in the next two years also.

Its up to her to really work it all out, I just thought it was cheeky to assume we would all jump in and bend our own lives back to front to accomodate hers.

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 31/12/2023 16:14

Next time you are in any sort of predicament with childcare ask her for help. Then suggest she isn't being supportive...

Riverlee · 31/12/2023 16:16

She’s not thought this through, has she.

Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 16:18

Riverlee · 31/12/2023 16:16

She’s not thought this through, has she.

Nope.

She's made friends at college who are all doing the same thing. She's neglecting the fact these are all single, childless women though.

We all want her to go to uni and better herself but not at the neglect of her two young children.

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 31/12/2023 16:18

It’s never going to come to fruition so I’d waste no more time or energy worrying or talking to her about it.

HostessTrolley · 31/12/2023 16:18

If she got rubbish gcses then the chance of her getting a uni place for midwifery isn't great - it's a competitive course to get onto.

Her best bet would be to look into apprenticeships. I don't know about Ireland, but in my local trust if you work as a support worker/HCA you can apply to do a nursing or midwifery apprenticeship. Fees are covered and you're paid at support worker rates while you train. It's definitely the best way to go about it these days

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 16:22

She seems to have her head in the clouds. Do you think she'd even get onto the course?

Interesting that she's going for a profession which is to do with the care of children, when she's showing so little regard for her own children.

What does her partner have to say?

pictoosh · 31/12/2023 16:26

Yanbu, she's clueless. It could never work.

Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 17:23

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 16:22

She seems to have her head in the clouds. Do you think she'd even get onto the course?

Interesting that she's going for a profession which is to do with the care of children, when she's showing so little regard for her own children.

What does her partner have to say?

He doesnt want her to go, she said he will need to suck it up.

Hoping if it comes to it, he refuses. He wouldn't be able to parent a 4 and 1 year old whilst working full time on a call based job. He also doesnt drive.

Ive brought up the fact there was some custody issues with DC1 and the biological dad in the past, and if he catches wind that she's away, it may ruin everything also, as technically her partner isnt a parent or legal guardian.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 17:25

HostessTrolley · 31/12/2023 16:18

If she got rubbish gcses then the chance of her getting a uni place for midwifery isn't great - it's a competitive course to get onto.

Her best bet would be to look into apprenticeships. I don't know about Ireland, but in my local trust if you work as a support worker/HCA you can apply to do a nursing or midwifery apprenticeship. Fees are covered and you're paid at support worker rates while you train. It's definitely the best way to go about it these days

Yep, I have told her this as researched myself. She would be better doing nursing as there are more places available in two unis over here and then applying for midwifery (which is a reduced length course also if you're nursing qualified) but she said she doesnt want to do that.

We all want her to do well but she comes up with these rather extreme dreams and ideas that aren't feasible in the real world unfortunately, and if it is, its at others detriment.

OP posts:
Jamjaris · 31/12/2023 17:47

She has these extreme dreams that never come to fruition so she can put the blame of her failures on you all for not being supportive.
As long as you tell her that your not paying her way nor turning yourself inside out for her childcare needs then I wouldn’t pay much notice nor worry.

TotallyForgettableForNow · 31/12/2023 17:48

Do you think she is suggesting it as she knows full well she won't get on the course but she can throw it back at everyone and say she tried to better herself but her family weren't supportive?
She sounds like a bit of an idiot to me if she plans to leave her partner in charge of her children when he works full time in an on call job.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 17:55

She can't afford it so it isn't going to happen. I wouldn't be making a fuss over it.

Plenty of parents (usually dads) work away during the week and come back at weekends though which is a similar scenario.

Evaka · 31/12/2023 18:32

She's off her tits

Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 18:44

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 17:55

She can't afford it so it isn't going to happen. I wouldn't be making a fuss over it.

Plenty of parents (usually dads) work away during the week and come back at weekends though which is a similar scenario.

She says she will be home at the weekends, but with a course like midwifery where you have at least a year on placement working all types of hours, that just wouldn't happen.

She would also need to get some form of part time job to fund being away, so I doubt she would consistently get every weekend off, plus the £100+ every week for flights.

She seems to be under the impression that if she isnt there, that me or my mum will jump in and keep her kids or pay for her flights home. I wouldn't be in a position to do either of those, as a single parent and also with two autoimmune conditions I really need my downtime for just myself to unwind, not to be looking after her children.

If she went to uni over here, I would be willing to take the kids a couple of hours here and there or give her lifts etc but that would be the height of it.

Sadly, she's the type to just jump and do it and then expect everyone else to help and bend to her every need, despite what everyone else is telling her.

I dont know why she would even comprehend leaving her children when the both of them are very dependent on her and the youngest wont even feed for anybody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 18:45

TotallyForgettableForNow · 31/12/2023 17:48

Do you think she is suggesting it as she knows full well she won't get on the course but she can throw it back at everyone and say she tried to better herself but her family weren't supportive?
She sounds like a bit of an idiot to me if she plans to leave her partner in charge of her children when he works full time in an on call job.

Likely as she's already saying we are not supportive for simply voicing our concerns.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:51

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 18:44

She says she will be home at the weekends, but with a course like midwifery where you have at least a year on placement working all types of hours, that just wouldn't happen.

She would also need to get some form of part time job to fund being away, so I doubt she would consistently get every weekend off, plus the £100+ every week for flights.

She seems to be under the impression that if she isnt there, that me or my mum will jump in and keep her kids or pay for her flights home. I wouldn't be in a position to do either of those, as a single parent and also with two autoimmune conditions I really need my downtime for just myself to unwind, not to be looking after her children.

If she went to uni over here, I would be willing to take the kids a couple of hours here and there or give her lifts etc but that would be the height of it.

Sadly, she's the type to just jump and do it and then expect everyone else to help and bend to her every need, despite what everyone else is telling her.

I dont know why she would even comprehend leaving her children when the both of them are very dependent on her and the youngest wont even feed for anybody else.

Show quote history

Do you really think this is going to happen? It seems unlikely, especially if finances are an issue.

Like I said, if it is unlikely to go ahead anyway then I wouldn't be making a fuss. Especially if you think that's what your sister wants other to make it clear that you wouldn't be available for childcare.

StaunchMomma · 31/12/2023 18:53

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 15:21

I have, apparently I am not being supportive 😂

Show quote history

Yeah, right!

I bet she's bending over backwards to financially support you, huh! Having your kids all the time too! - As if!!

Let her sink herself, OP. I'm sure it won't be easy to watch but she clearly needs to learn her lessons the hard way.