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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL guilt tripping me over hobbies

51 replies

Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 15:10

Background:
DH and I are childfree (not by choice). We have several hobbies and are in various clubs. We work full time.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have one DS (4 years old). They both work full time and get no support from either sets of GP’s with childcare.

Whenever we meet up with BIL and talk about what we’ve been up everything we say is followed by a ‘we can’t do that as we’re too busy with work/ child etc’ or ‘we have no free time’ or ‘we’re just so busy all the time you have no idea as you don’t have kids’ by BIL. We can be talking about anything- one of our hobbies, a holiday, doing decorating, watching a film or having a lie in - it is always followed up with a comment about how busy they are and they can’t do that. It feels like he’s trying to make us feel guilty for our lifestyle or to constantly feel sorry for them. We can’t have children so what does he expect us to do- not have hobbies or do things because those with kids can’t? We are in no position to help them as we live in a different country - it would take considerable travel and A/L (plus they’ve never asked).

I could understand a bit if we were unsympathetic to the struggles they have with juggling everything but we’re not. Or if we were boastful about our lifestyle - but we aren’t. We simply tell them about some of the things we’ve been up to when they ask us. The majority of conversations are about them or DN.

i don’t know how to handle his comments going forward. WWYD? Do we not talk about our lives as everything we do seems to result in a comment about him not having time to do anything? Or do we call him up on his comments and how they make us feel? What would you say in response to these comments?

am I being unreasonable to get getting hacked off about it now after 4 years?

YABU - I should just let the comments ride.
YANBU- his comments are inappropriate .

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 31/12/2023 15:15

Good job they only have one 4 year old then!
3 kids with their own hobbies....then they would be "busy"
It can't take both of them to look after 1 child at all times.

I'd make him feel guilty with " we like to keep busy since we aren't lucky enough to have children" or "every cloud I suppose"

Mumof2NDers · 31/12/2023 15:18

He sounds like an insensitive twat!!
I’d guilt him too! Or just tell him to fuck off.

ilovesooty · 31/12/2023 15:18

Just tell him your circumstances are different and his constant comments are rude. He's seemingly rather thick skinned so needs it to be spelled out for him.

NatMoz · 31/12/2023 15:37

I don't understand why they have no time for hobbies etc? Surely they don't have the same hobbies that occur at the same time?

Does your BIL not look after the child solo and vice versa? Maybe they are both terrible procrastinators.

You live your life and do what you want

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 15:43

I would answer "Well yes you know we did want DC and couldn't have them, so no you're right we don't know what it feels like to have DC sadly."

Sounds a bit like spending time with my DF, anything I say we've done - been on holiday, gone for a day out, had a meal in a restaurant- is followed by a long sigh from him and "Oh I wish I could go on holiday/day trips/restaurants ". I just keep conversation very bland now and mention absolutely nothing we are doing.

Original poster
Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 15:43

@NatMoz - I dont know either. Both work full time and commute. They say all their free time is taken up looking after DN or chores. how they wish to spend their time is up to them- you put the time where you feel is important for you, just don’t try to guilt people on how they spend theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 15:46

Sorry to hear that @rookiemere - it’s frustrating that you can’t be share your life fully with loved ones but being bland feels better than being judged on how we spend our time.

OP posts:
HamBone · 31/12/2023 15:48

They only have one child, they have time for hobbies- they’re choosing not to pursue any.

I’d ignore his comments and carry on talking about whatever you want. If he starts, say something like “ couldn’t you look after little X while DS does something else?”
He’s enjoying being a martyr, it’s pathetic.

Our childfree siblings have various hobbies; we have two children so we have less time than them, but that’s fine. We don’t begrudge them their free time. 🤷

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 31/12/2023 15:52

Suggest maybe he should have also stayed child- free whilst staring him out..

SalmonWellington · 31/12/2023 15:52

Could it be a cack handed way of making your feel better about infertility?

Riverlee · 31/12/2023 15:55

Maybe they’re slightly envious of your lifestyle and the ‘freedom’ you gave to do ‘fun’ things. Having a child can be hard work and relentless at times.

However, I appreciate it can be annoying and frustrating. If they’re busy going to different activities every night, suggest one less hobby? Or maybe they should get a babysitter so they can have a night off? Or a cleaner? Etc.

turkeymuffin · 31/12/2023 15:57

1 4 year old between two presumably healthy adults is hardly taxing.

He's probably feeling guilty that they don't exercise etc and trying to excuse it

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 15:58

They’re trying to guilt trip you into babysitting their kid. Next time he asks what you’ve been up to, say “Nothing much… How about you?” He will probably say the usual thing about the kid/work/etc, and you can ask what the kid has been up to/anything new at work and derail the guilt trip.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2023 15:58

Sounds like at best he didn’t give enough thought to how time consuming and life changing having children would be, at worst regrets having them and is jealous of your lifestyle (whether it is what you would’ve chosen or not).
Would being blunt work - reminding him that you are making the best of life as you aren’t as fortunate as him to have children. And maybe adding that he’s an insensitive arsehole

Original poster
Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 16:02

@SalmonWellington - I like your optimism and would like to think so however these comments started well before we found out about our infertility. I don’t even think he has made the link that we have free time because we are infertile, and that we would sooner be in his position of being busy with a child. At times I’ve felt like saying words to that effect, but I chicken out and don’t want to spoil the meet up.

OP posts:
thinslicedham · 31/12/2023 16:08

YANBU to be annoyed, because it's such a boring response, and given that you can't have children, insensitive of him to harp on about how hard it is to have a child.

I'd probably adopt a habit of making a could-be-construed-as-sympathetic 'hm'/nodding/etc. and just carrying on with the conversation. Essentially ignore him without being overtly rude about it.

Another option is meeting every boring 'no time' comment with, 'Yes, that's one of the benefits of not having children, I suppose. More time.' Never mind the fact that one child (assuming no special needs) doesn't prevent them from having any time for themselves and that it's more down to attitude, priorities, and time management.

upwardsonwards · 31/12/2023 16:11

We have 3 kids, work full time, do loads of the stuff you have mentioned and have hobbies obviously not to the extent you get to but once in a while. Everyone has the same 24 hours each day, we all chose how we use it. Some people love to moan with theirs. 🤣

thinslicedham · 31/12/2023 16:12

Another thought: Maybe some of this stems from insecurity on his part. He may hear all the things you're doing and feel it reflects negatively on him that he isn't motivated enough to do anything like that, so he immediately excuses himself with the fact that he's 'too busy'. It's still very boring of him, but maybe it would help to view it from that perspective. It's about him, not about you.

Because of course there's nothing wrong with having hobbies and talking about them casually when people ask what you've been doing lately.

MerryBlueberry · 31/12/2023 16:14

He is a fucking arsehole.
Next time he says it, look him in the face and say why do you keep rubbing our face in it that we can’t have kids and you do? Or pick something far more clever other MNer will reply with. Let him be uncomfortable.

Cantalever · 31/12/2023 16:16

Can you take him aside next time you meet, and say that you appreciate how short of time they are and how busy, but because you haven't been able to children yourselves, you find it difficult and quite hurtful to keep being reminded of it. You can say this quite calmly and quietly, and ask him not to bring up again. It is possible he is simply insensitive rather than making a point. If you don't say anything, nothing will change. His reaction will tell you how to go forward from then on.

LaughingCat · 31/12/2023 16:17

Oh god…could it even be the world’s worst way of trying to make you feel better about not having kids? A sort of, ‘that’s amazing, we’d never be able to do that, see, silver lining to your immense trauma, there’.

He’s probably just a whingeing, insensitive pillock but sone people really are the worst with people skills. My mum absolutely would be doing this exact thing, thinking it was secretly helpful.

Maybe get your DH to talk to his sister (if it’s his bro or sister’s husband) or you have a chat with your sister if that’s the case, to explain that BIL is probably coming from a good place but you’re actually finding it hard to hear.

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 16:18

I think there’s sensitivity needed from both sides.

MikeRafone · 31/12/2023 16:21

Start everything you say with

i know you can’t do this as you have children, then continue with what you did

i know you can’t do this as you have children, we went for a walk, to the cinema, out for a meal eyc

keep saying it

they’ll stop

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 16:21

Actually just thinking of another scenario.

We have one DC - not through choice - and the amount of stupid remarks I used to get about it. The one that sticks in my mind most is. DM with 3 DCs who used to go on about how expensive holidays were with 3 DCs ( they are well off) and how lucky I was to just have the one.

Most people aren't deliberately malicious, just thoughtless, but I do think you need to say something either discretely or not as BIL is being very hurtful.

Cakeandcardio · 31/12/2023 16:42

Maybe give him some tips on how to manage his time better? We have a 3 year old and still have time for hobbies / socialising etc.

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