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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL guilt tripping me over hobbies

51 replies

Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 15:10

Background:
DH and I are childfree (not by choice). We have several hobbies and are in various clubs. We work full time.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have one DS (4 years old). They both work full time and get no support from either sets of GP’s with childcare.

Whenever we meet up with BIL and talk about what we’ve been up everything we say is followed by a ‘we can’t do that as we’re too busy with work/ child etc’ or ‘we have no free time’ or ‘we’re just so busy all the time you have no idea as you don’t have kids’ by BIL. We can be talking about anything- one of our hobbies, a holiday, doing decorating, watching a film or having a lie in - it is always followed up with a comment about how busy they are and they can’t do that. It feels like he’s trying to make us feel guilty for our lifestyle or to constantly feel sorry for them. We can’t have children so what does he expect us to do- not have hobbies or do things because those with kids can’t? We are in no position to help them as we live in a different country - it would take considerable travel and A/L (plus they’ve never asked).

I could understand a bit if we were unsympathetic to the struggles they have with juggling everything but we’re not. Or if we were boastful about our lifestyle - but we aren’t. We simply tell them about some of the things we’ve been up to when they ask us. The majority of conversations are about them or DN.

i don’t know how to handle his comments going forward. WWYD? Do we not talk about our lives as everything we do seems to result in a comment about him not having time to do anything? Or do we call him up on his comments and how they make us feel? What would you say in response to these comments?

am I being unreasonable to get getting hacked off about it now after 4 years?

YABU - I should just let the comments ride.
YANBU- his comments are inappropriate .

OP posts:
lto2019 · 31/12/2023 16:45

Time how long it takes him to say something next time. Then when he does, look at your watch and say 8mins 36 seconds - when he says what do you mean - you can say - I was timing how long it would take for you to start bleating on about not being able to do something because you have one child.
I would love one child but unfortunately we have not been able to you insensitive knob head .

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 16:50

I have a 5.5 yo and literally get to do nothing I did before. My life couldn't be more different. My marriage is about to end, and I believe one of the reasons is we haven't had a single date together since DS was born, as I we have no family to help out.

Maybe they're hinting and hoping you'll give them a night off.

HaPPy8 · 31/12/2023 16:50

LaughingCat · 31/12/2023 16:17

Oh god…could it even be the world’s worst way of trying to make you feel better about not having kids? A sort of, ‘that’s amazing, we’d never be able to do that, see, silver lining to your immense trauma, there’.

He’s probably just a whingeing, insensitive pillock but sone people really are the worst with people skills. My mum absolutely would be doing this exact thing, thinking it was secretly helpful.

Maybe get your DH to talk to his sister (if it’s his bro or sister’s husband) or you have a chat with your sister if that’s the case, to explain that BIL is probably coming from a good place but you’re actually finding it hard to hear.

I’d bet it’s this

Bladwdoda · 31/12/2023 17:00

I’d ask your DH to speak to him and point out how and why his comments are hurtful

momonpurpose · 31/12/2023 17:14

He is ridiculous OP. Plenty of parents go on holiday have a lie in and have hobbies

caringcarer · 31/12/2023 17:32

I'd just say well we don't have DC so we use our time on our hobbies, different lives eh?

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 17:36

momonpurpose · 31/12/2023 17:14

He is ridiculous OP. Plenty of parents go on holiday have a lie in and have hobbies

I don't but DH does.

momonpurpose · 31/12/2023 17:46

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 17:36

I don't but DH does.

Show quote history

You deserve to have them too!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2023 18:22

lto2019 · 31/12/2023 16:45

Time how long it takes him to say something next time. Then when he does, look at your watch and say 8mins 36 seconds - when he says what do you mean - you can say - I was timing how long it would take for you to start bleating on about not being able to do something because you have one child.
I would love one child but unfortunately we have not been able to you insensitive knob head .

That was how my thinking was going. Or having a notebook in front of you where you keep a tally of how often he says it. Anything to highlight to him that he is doing this (and you don't appreciate it).

Or, Cantalever's suggestion (below) would be more diplomatic, but personally I think I'd just go straight for the jugular.

"Can you take him aside next time you meet, and say that you appreciate how short of time they are and how busy, but because you haven't been able to children yourselves, you find it difficult and quite hurtful to keep being reminded of it. You can say this quite calmly and quietly, and ask him not to bring up again. It is possible he is simply insensitive rather than making a point. If you don't say anything, nothing will change. His reaction will tell you how to go forward from then on."

HamBone · 31/12/2023 18:42

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 16:50

I have a 5.5 yo and literally get to do nothing I did before. My life couldn't be more different. My marriage is about to end, and I believe one of the reasons is we haven't had a single date together since DS was born, as I we have no family to help out.

Maybe they're hinting and hoping you'll give them a night off.

That sounds difficult, @Kwasi 💐 Could you get a babysitter once in a while? We were in a similar position when our children were small and we found that having a babysitter occasionally made a world of difference.

Some neighbors have a toddler and no local family-I saw them recently at a party and offered to babysit once in a while so they could have a night out…their faces lit up. 😂 I know what it’s like and tbh I sometimes miss having little ones, both mine are taller than me now.

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 18:46

@HamBone

I believe our marriage is beyond repair now. The lack of time together was just one small contributor, but it's more about the lack of time my husband would spend alone with DS. We did look into babysitters but they're £20 an hour where I live.

HamBone · 31/12/2023 18:47

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 18:46

@HamBone

I believe our marriage is beyond repair now. The lack of time together was just one small contributor, but it's more about the lack of time my husband would spend alone with DS. We did look into babysitters but they're £20 an hour where I live.

💐 I’m sorry.

Kwasi · 31/12/2023 18:48

@HamBone

Thank you. Some relationships just can't survive having children.

StaunchMomma · 31/12/2023 19:47

Ladybirder · 31/12/2023 16:02

@SalmonWellington - I like your optimism and would like to think so however these comments started well before we found out about our infertility. I don’t even think he has made the link that we have free time because we are infertile, and that we would sooner be in his position of being busy with a child. At times I’ve felt like saying words to that effect, but I chicken out and don’t want to spoil the meet up.

You need to say it.

He's being awfully insensitive.

Original poster
Ladybirder · 01/01/2024 17:26

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I think I’ll do a mixture of seeing how often he says it, and if it it is as often as it has been this Xmas then I will ask DH to have a chat with him. I did really like the ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and ’yes that’s the benefits of not having children’ come backs which might be used depending on the situation!

OP posts:
notlucreziaborgia · 01/01/2024 17:53

I don’t think you’re being insensitive. It’s an awkward position, because just catching up and chatting normally about what you’ve been doing can be perceived as bragging by someone who resents not being able to do the things you’re free to do. So are you supposed to not share aspects of your life, and just smile and nod while you listen to him? Then there’s oftentimes relatives that like to offer such things as ‘oh, have you heard what X has been doing?’, so it can easily get back that way.

You haven’t done anything wrong, and you aren’t required to pander to his resentment - his jealousy is his problem.

TurkeyTwizlers · 01/01/2024 18:12

Ignore him. My BIL is like this, his children are much older than mine (teenagers when DD was born). He spent years complaining they couldn’t do things because of the children and we had to do everything around them (early meals out etc).
When DD was born he was full of the opposite and now having a child shouldn’t effect our life and it was easy having a child and they should be happy having meals out at 8pm etc.

I actually found it much easier when DD was 4. They go to bed early!
It’s much harder having an ASD teen who doesn’t like you to go out and leave her.

HamBone · 02/01/2024 02:39

He certainly sounds like a boring git, OP. Conversations can’t be scintillating if you have to be careful not to mention that you’ve done anything/been anywhere interesting!💤

Fionaville · 02/01/2024 02:46

It's not really about you. He's obviously not feeling fulfilled and would like to do more in life. When you talk about what you've done, hes just thinking about what he hasn't done and the excuses just come flowing out of his mouth.
It's shitty behaviour, but don't take it personally. If it really bothers you, tell him. Otherwise, take no notice and know its his issue.

tiv2020 · 02/01/2024 02:56

Well it depends how he says it, of course.
Is he moaning about it, or matter of fact?

Generally when you talk about a certain topic, the person you are talking to responds with something on the same topic.
If you are talking about hobbies, or vacation plans, or events you have attended, you would expect some kind of acknowledgment in the reply, which is usually along the lines of what you mentioned.

It sounds like Bil is at a stage in his life where he has NOTHING to share about this kind of pursuits as he has none in his life right now.
I am sure you would find it odd if he would just abruptly change the subject.
I think his reply is pretty understandable.

That you feel defensive about it is about you, not him.

JMSA · 02/01/2024 03:01

One child is a piece of piss!

That said, I can remember having a bit of a chip on my shoulder when my 3 were little. Like, if someone childless complained of tiredness, I'd wonder how they possibly could be!

I was wrong to ever think that, of course, but sometimes you're just so bogged down with life that you can't help it.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/01/2024 03:32

I'd deadpan ask him why he's been stuck on repeat for years saying the same thing. I wouldn't have the patience for him. Cant understand why your H hasnt told him to give it a rest

WandaWonder · 02/01/2024 03:41

I was tired, busy, stressed at times before I had a child and have been since having one

People without children do not have perfect totally carefree lives, and this martyr thing people do when having children gets old quickly

Original poster
Ladybirder · 02/01/2024 07:41

tiv2020 · 02/01/2024 02:56

Well it depends how he says it, of course.
Is he moaning about it, or matter of fact?

Generally when you talk about a certain topic, the person you are talking to responds with something on the same topic.
If you are talking about hobbies, or vacation plans, or events you have attended, you would expect some kind of acknowledgment in the reply, which is usually along the lines of what you mentioned.

It sounds like Bil is at a stage in his life where he has NOTHING to share about this kind of pursuits as he has none in his life right now.
I am sure you would find it odd if he would just abruptly change the subject.
I think his reply is pretty understandable.

That you feel defensive about it is about you, not him.

He’s rude when he says it. He even says things like ‘get all your hobbies done now as when you have kids you won’t be able to do it’ - to a couple that’s infertile. If he doesn’t want any to talk about anything unless it’s about something he can directly relate to it or if he just wants to talk about himself then he shouldn’t ask. The equivalent would be me asking about them and DC and then whenever he talks about DC me saying ‘well we can’t do that as we can’t have a child’ or ‘that’s irrelevant to me as we’re childless’. Not a nice way to treat relatives and would make all conversations awkward, as his comments to us do.

Conversations are two way things- a bit about them, a bit about you, a bit about current affairs etc but you should be polite and not make people feel like rubbish for their contributions. It knocks someone’s confidence and is upsetting to constantly make passive aggressive comments or moan whenever they talk about anything (when asked).

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 02/01/2024 07:50

Next time he says you don't know because you don't have kids, I'd be tempted to say "yeah, infertility's a bitch, isn't it" and let it hang a moment for him to take in.

Does your SIL never pull him up on his insensitive comments?

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