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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

27 Years

29 replies

Srepmum1984 · 31/12/2023 11:00

Our friend group consists of two gay males (this is important because if I told this as a story it just sounds like the guy fancies me, which isn't the case lol) and two women.

We have all known each other since 11.

For as long as I can remember I have been an emotional punch bag to one of these guys. If someone else upsets him he is very nasty to me. Ive always put it down to being a safe space for him to lash out but ive recently been having some therapy and im starting to not be ok with it.

He did this last month again when we were all having a laugh at some pictures and someone wouldn't remove one he didnt like from face book (we are 38) im finding this so ridiculous as im typing it out. So he gets annoyed about something then aims it at me, goads me into a row then blocks me, then a few days later apologises and its back to normal.

Last week other female friend puts on the group about coming up to mine (we always meet at mine) she moved away, other male friend lives in USA and he lives at home

I say yes 27th is fine, he says im working.

She says ok we can do another day all of us together as well.

She comes to mine on 27th.

I'm throwing a new years eve party tonight and I said oh other friend helped me pick up some bits the other day. He went mental saying I can't believe you met up without me (i do plenty of things alone with him) saying hes not coming tonight as our friendship doesnt feel the same. Insulting me down the phone. I said he was invited? He was at work? He said that means we shouldn't have met amd waited.

Hes said he needs a break from the group and left the chat.

Im done being treated like I do everything wrong. Aibu if I cut him out and dont let him back in two days when hes over his tantrum.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 31/12/2023 11:02

YANB to allow this repeating pattern to continue.

Hipnotised · 31/12/2023 11:02

Not sure what the benefits of this friendship are, personally I'd let it slide.

Clarinet1 · 31/12/2023 11:03

Oops I mean YWBU to allow it to continue!

Highlyflavouredgravy · 31/12/2023 11:03

He is not a friend. He wouldn't be invited to anything from now on.

RandomMess · 31/12/2023 11:04

When he starts being unpleasant hand up.

Don't negotiate, argue, defend treat him like a tantrum img toddler.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/12/2023 11:04

He sounds absolutely toxic, I would 100% get rid. He treats you horrifically, like you say you're his punch bag and he clearly feels he can treat you however the hell he likes, he doesn't think of you as a human being with feelings of your own. He is not a friend, he is a user. Absolutely ditch.

Mothermummymum · 31/12/2023 11:06

He’s comfortable to do this as you’ve been friends so long. It’s habit. He throws a tantrum, he probably moans about you then 2 days later it’s all smoothed over.
This is a just a cycle and like any cycle you have to break it if you want it to change.
You don’t have to cut him off or ruin New Years but as good friends you have to have it out with him. A short term reaction will not solve it long term. It needs a chat which isn’t easy but it will be worth it to save your friendship.

Srepmum1984 · 31/12/2023 11:08

I forgot to add I did this last time and hes done it again despite our chat

OP posts:
Bleepbloopbluurp · 31/12/2023 11:11

If you've already spoken to him about this, then I'd just cut him. When he comes back tell him his apologies are bullshit. People who are sorry don't repeat their bad behaviour, and people who care about their friends don't treat them so badly. And that you don't have the energy to put up with this any more so a longer break would be welcome. Then get on with your life.

Beezknees · 31/12/2023 11:21

38 years old? He sounds about 12. I'd be pulling away permanently.

MistyWitch · 31/12/2023 12:59

Block him and carry on with your life. He's not someone you need to deal with.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 31/12/2023 13:00

He sounds ridiculous

MatildaTheCat · 31/12/2023 13:06

Yes. Preempt the apology and block him. I assume the others in the group are aware of this longstanding and unhealthy dynamic he has with you? Tell them that unfortunately you’ll not be engaging any further with Mr Misery and what they choose to do is entirely up to them.

Having said that he sounds jealous, insecure and immature so there’s clearly problems but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 31/12/2023 13:11

It can be an act of love to stand up to your friends and tell them you won’t put up with their shit anymore. It doesn’t mean you have to throw away 27 years of friendship, but he needs to know that this stops now. So I would block him. But I’d be ready to forgive if he changes if I cared about him and valued his friendship.

LakeTiticaca · 31/12/2023 13:24

I can't imagine why you Still call this overgrown toddler your friend. Life is too short to have fun sponges like this in your life.
Bin him off

PonyPatter44 · 31/12/2023 13:27

I know this is a bit of a clichéd question but does he have some mild learning difficulties? Or is he just acting up as The Queeniest Friend Evah? In the absence of LDs , I don't know how you all stop yourselves laughing at his ridiculous antics!

Dumbo18 · 31/12/2023 13:32

I’d personally just tell him to fuck off… safe space or not

MindfullyAmazedHorse · 31/12/2023 13:39

Where is your safety in this so-called “safe space”? He’s abusive, I’d leave him to it.

MaryHinges · 31/12/2023 13:44

So he's a drama queen then? Don't feed it. If he can't get the drama from you he'll eventually find someone else to get it from. Just ignore the drama and carry on like nothing has happened.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2023 13:51

"He went mental saying I can't believe you met up without me"
It's mental of him to think he must be there. Really, really, mental.

"We have all known each other since 11."
And your friendship with him has run it's course - it's done, it's over, time to move on.

Frankly, he sounds exhausting and I couldn't be doing with it.

grayhairdontcare · 31/12/2023 14:25

People treat you how you allow them to.
Pick your self respect up off the floor and do not engage with this bully

InSpainTheRain · 31/12/2023 14:48

YABU completely unreasonable here! Someone is using you as an emotional punch bag and you still put up with it? Cut him off and anyone else that sides with him! What a twat he is.

Ohnotyoutoo · 31/12/2023 14:51

27 years of friendship is meaningless is this is what happens regularly. I'd be sick of it. Does he do this to your other friends?

Splitting up a group is always difficult, but ultimately worth it if dealing with regular fallouts is too much.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/12/2023 14:53

38 or 18?
All sounds exhaustingly childish.
Just block/mute everything - when he decides he is ready to unblock, he'll realise it's a two way process.

Crumpleton · 31/12/2023 14:55

Sounds a bit of a diva.

Next time tell him not to bother blocking you as you'll be blocking him....and definitely don't unblock.
Make 2024 the year you put a stop to this childish behaviour..