To protect newborn from sick relatives?

[Amigoingmad88]

I’m fuming.

We have DS4 and newborn, 3 weeks old.

Our plan was always to spend Christmas Day at the in laws, as my family live abroad. My dad is having some potentially serious health issues so couldn’t come over until resolved. This is also upsetting for me. I lost my mum when I was a teen, so don’t have that either.

I am drowning with 2 kids, nursery being closed, hormones etc.

SIL announces 3 days before Christmas that she has a cold but states I need to relax re newborn as it is just snot. I explain to MIL we won’t be there for Xmas day now as I really need to keep baby safe. We’ve already been in A&E with him once as he caught big bros illness. MIL said no problem. Also annoyed at being told to relax but I didn’t say anything.

From then on, SIL went completely silent on me. MIL and FIL barely a word to me since I said what I said. SIL hasn’t called for DS4 to wish a merry Xmas or anything. Nobody has asked if I’m ok, need anything etc. I’ve been getting more and more riled up as the days go by with no contact for DS4. They suddenly started calling DP instead to check in, which they did twice, but nothing to me.

Today DP says he’s received a text from SIL saying he should know that MIL is heartbroken we didn’t spend Xmas there and there are tonnes of presents for DS4, SIL still not recovered but happy to disappear so we can go there.

I’m even more furious. DP is now visibly upset that his mum is upset, and thinks I’m being OTT by refusing to go there now. I won’t go because SIL is still sick, and now parents might have whatever it is (covid?)

He thinks I’m making it about me and making it personal, but here’s the thing. Before baby, and all through my pregnancy, it was always me running DS4 to theirs weekly for visits, cooking Sunday dinners for all. I enjoyed it and wanted to. But now that I’m REALLY struggling as DS went back to work a few days post birth, I’m supposed to be considerate of the families feelings and ignore mine?

AIBU?

Well it's certainly wasn't just a cold if she's still ill a week later.

Leave them to it

I haven't voted, but you're clearly very angry. Even if they thought you were OTT in not going there for Christmas, they should have contacted their other grandchild as a minimum. What does your DH say?

@NigelHarmansNewWife In-laws did ring DP for DS4 on Xmas day, and they video called, but SIL who has now declared them all heartbroken hasn’t said a word.

DP thinks we should go up now, as they would have apparently caught anything from her by now if they were going to.

You have done the right thing to keep the baby safe

I’m upset because we’ve always had a good relationship! They’re all good people but I just find this whole situation really upsetting, and I’m the one that’s just carried a bath and given birth, without any of my own family! Why is it about everyone else’s feelings?

I’ve got a 3 week old newborn and I wouldn’t take her anywhere I knew had illness.

YANBU

There’s awful doses going around and 3 weeks old is very vulnerable. I probably would have gone but insisted they kept their distance from baby and maybe not passed him/her around. Some of it is probably your anxiety more than risk but the hormones after a baby, and the anxiety, is part of it and likely exists to make mums over cautious.

Anyway, they need to be more understanding is my opinion.

Please do not back down on this. I had symptoms for 7 days and tested negative throughout - on day 8 I tested positive for Covid and have been really ill (fully vaccinated, no comorbidities).

Completely agree with @RandomMess - if it was a minor cold then an adult with a fully functioning immune system would have been over it straight away. This is what you should repeat to your husband and - if you feel able to- to your in-laws. You’re right that with a tiny newborn and none of your own family around you feel extra vulnerable. It is a shame they haven’t stepped up.

"Heartbroken"! - your ILs need to get a life. Disappointed maybe, but heartbroken?

You made a rational decision for sound reasons - their reaction is their problem. In that situation, as a grandma, I would be disappointed but looking forward to a present-giving meeting with your DS soon.

I think that your MIL is old enough to know that things do not always go as we want in life and that we have to make the best of things.

Don't load guilt on your self - just plough on through with a smile. There will be lots of difficult decisions you will need to take as the children progress through their lives and this is a drop in the bucket. The problem lies with the ILs and they just have to suck it up - and grow up.

@whyhere They won’t have tested. I was considering telling DP I’d be happy for MIL to come to ours if she gets a negative test, but I know I’ll be told by DP he’s not asking that of them and I’m being OTT.

Me and half our friendship group have the heavy cold then wipeout - it’s covid as several friends tested for work / travel. It’s not great still barely left house after 5 days.

We just had a very similar situation OP and I did the same as you and cancelled. I was not prepared to make DD ill out of politeness. It's not them who'll be up all night dealing with an unwell baby. Offer to get together soon when everyone's well.

Don't go. Keep baby safe. There are a lot of pandemic babies who caught covid and had little symptoms but have had long term affects. Asthma inhalers and endless chest infections. Don't take the risk.

My six week old developed enteroviral meningitis as a result of an adult that had a sniffle. And it was barely a sniffle for the adult, but tiny newborns cannot cope with the germs that affect adults.
dont go anywhere near them

There seems to be loads of Covid round here (for the few people still testing). I wouldn’t expect in laws to ring me if they’d spoken to DH, but other than that YANBU.

It's not them who'll be up all night dealing with an unwell baby.

Exactly this! So many family members pouting over not seeing and holding baby yet ignore this tidbit because it doesn’t impact them and don’t care that the parents, usually the mum will be up all night because I guess we’re up anyway so don’t need any sleep. 🙄

It's being built into something much bigger. DIL probs feels bad seeing mil disappointed, and it's all about them isn't it.

A tiny baby should be protected- why would they want the baby to catch it ?!?

This. They sound histrionic and immature. Personally l would do nothing

Thanks for the replies.

They are usually the least difficult family ever! Never overbearing, but always happy to help if asked etc unlike mine who can be a real nightmare.

Don't necessarily rely on tests. Even if it's not covid, it could be RSV, flu, anything really that would pose an unnecessary risk to your tiny baby.

You did 100% the right and only thing you could do with a newborn. Yes, it is sad when plans change, especially over Christmas but the health and well being of a newborn is paramount in this situation. Whilst it is not your SIL fault she caught a cold, but she is responsible or at the very least be aware about limiting the spread of it! I suspect, she feels bad that it was because of her unintentionally catching a cold that led to the change of plans, and she is projecting her guilt and trying to deflect this feeling off her onto you!

It as a cold 😳 I'm not surprised they are all upset.

You definitely did the right thing.

Colds in adults can be caused by rsv which can be fatal to babies.

Maybe you could have invited in-laws to yours? Not SIL though.

Does SIL have any kids? If not it us very hard for people to understand

For an otherwise healthy adult yes it is just a cold. For a tiny, vulnerable 3 week old baby it can be so much more. Do you genuinely not understand that?