Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL and SIL

35 replies

PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:33

I'm not sure if I'm just being hormonal as I had a baby six weeks ago after a traumatic birth and currently have PIL and SIL staying with us for three weeks, which is obviously stressful.

DH and I have been together for eight years and have had a baby. It is the first grandchild. SIL is 40 and single and has told PIL in the past that she longs for a family.

Since arriving 10 days ago ago, PIL have remarked on numerous occasions on how the baby takes after SIL. The baby is not biologically related to SIL, so could not take after her in some of the ways they suggest. They only ever remark on baby smiling if the baby is smiling at SIL and also only mention baby being quiet etc. if it is with SIL. All of them will only hold the baby if it is sleeping and as soon as it makes a noise, DH and I have to take over. I have been referred to as "only the milk cow" by MIL during the time together and neither DH nor me have received compliments on how we're coping or any words about baby being like either of us.

It is clear this is because they don't want to upset SIL because she wants a family and they want to encourage that, but it is upsetting me as I feel they are ignoring DH and I. It has not been easy having a newborn and juggling entertaining PILs and all living together in a two bedroom house with lack of sleep etc.

IABU - this is just parents protecting their daughter.

IANBU - PILs shouldn't focus as much on SIL.

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 31/12/2023 07:35

This is nuts. YABVU.

AllAboardTootToot · 31/12/2023 07:37

So many questions!

Why on earth would you let them stay that long so soon?

Why are you not standing up for yourself in your own home? Aimed at both you and your husband.

Why are you referring to your baby as ‘it’?

Is MN really full of this type of submissive person? You have a little person fully dependant on you, start delivering and set ground rules or they can leave your home.

Its your husbands family I assume so get him to have the discussion.

Marmalady75 · 31/12/2023 07:39

Time to ask them to leave. Never invite them for so long in future.
Your dh should be standing up for you in this situation- it’s his parents and your are a postpartum first time mum. He needs to step up.

AlisonDonut · 31/12/2023 07:41

'Milk Cow says mooo-ve out of my house by close of play today'

Anyone whom called me that wouldn't be staying in my house again, that's for damn sure.

MNSlapperTwot · 31/12/2023 07:41

Is the SIL adopted? Or is your DH adopted?

Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 31/12/2023 07:45

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/12/2023 07:47

Three weeks!

The 'milk cow' remark would have Sen my kicking them out.

Original poster
PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:49

@AllAboardTootToot we live far away, which is why they're staying for so long. DH did confront MIL about milk cow comment, but he's protective over SIL so wouldn't say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:50

@Namemchangeforthispostonly101 SIL and baby are not biologically linked at all.

OP posts:
abdlfp · 31/12/2023 07:56

PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:50

@Namemchangeforthispostonly101 SIL and baby are not biologically linked at all.

How? Is she adopted? Married to your DH's brother etc ?

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/12/2023 07:59

The SIL stuff wouldn't bother me. An SIL that lives far cannot threaten your bond with your baby, let them make her feel a bit better.

The milk cow comment would have me go nuclear on them.

Jengnr · 31/12/2023 07:59

Adoption, donor, IVF. There’s loads of reasons it could be. But OP doesn’t want to say and the reason isn’t relevant.

Hiddenvoice · 31/12/2023 08:02

The milk cow comment was rude and I’m glad your dh brought it up.

I’d try move on from the other comments though. It seems like they are trying to make sil feel included since she’s older and wants a child. The comments are annoying but try not to take them personally.

My family regularly handed my baby back when she started to fuss or make noise, only because they thought I’d want her or I’d want to feed her.

abdlfp · 31/12/2023 08:13

I think it's normal to give a baby back to the parents if they are fussing. The milk comment was awful but sounds like it was dealt with at the time. The SIL/biological thing is odd. If it is too much maybe ask them to stay in a hotel for the rest of the stay and just have a small period of time each day where they could visit.

Mamma1982 · 31/12/2023 08:16

The baby is OP's! She had a traumatic birth! Read the background properly people!!!

Baby is not related to SIL!! That's just the PIL making comments to make SIL feel better.

OP you've been through a lot. How much longer are they staying for? You sound like a people pleaser and don't want to rock the boat. Of course you feel upset, you've had a traumatic birth, have house guests, trying to look after all of them whilst finding your feet with your first baby and not hearing anything to make you feel like you are a wonderful mother. You are a wonderful mother! Your baby absolutely adores you! Never forget that! The bond you two share is like no other even though it may feel excruciating hard at times. I know as I have 3 under 4!

If you can suck up the rest of your time together then do. MIL sounds like a dick and probably said that without thinking. My own mother is the same.

If they are staying with you for a while longer could DH have a chat? You're both tired, it's a 2 bed house accommodating 5 adults and a baby, could they stay elsewhere for the last bit and pop in to see you. You're not going all out, get out of my house, but just trying to say it's a lot to cope with, which it is!!

I hope you've been able to have some rest and your recovery is going well. Be kind to yourself and only read the responses that will actually help you. Some people on here can be very cruel and lack empathy.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 31/12/2023 08:18

PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:49

@AllAboardTootToot we live far away, which is why they're staying for so long. DH did confront MIL about milk cow comment, but he's protective over SIL so wouldn't say anything.

Is he 'protective' or has he just grown up in an environment where all that matters is her?
Why does she need 'protecting' from being told she's out of order?!

GabriellaMontez · 31/12/2023 08:23

PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:50

@Namemchangeforthispostonly101 SIL and baby are not biologically linked at all.

Well why don't you say this next time they say something ludicrous? Not in a nasty way... just a "ha ha that would be funny as they're not related"

IfTheresTeaTheresHope · 31/12/2023 08:28

PILdrama · 31/12/2023 07:50

@Namemchangeforthispostonly101 SIL and baby are not biologically linked at all.

Regardless there could be slight resemblances. I work with a man whose adopted son has a very strong resemblance to him.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 31/12/2023 08:30

10 days is too long when you have a newborn in a 2 bedroom house. Theey've overstayed their welcome. Where is everyone sleeping? When are they leaving?

abdlfp · 31/12/2023 08:33

Mamma1982 · 31/12/2023 08:16

The baby is OP's! She had a traumatic birth! Read the background properly people!!!

Baby is not related to SIL!! That's just the PIL making comments to make SIL feel better.

OP you've been through a lot. How much longer are they staying for? You sound like a people pleaser and don't want to rock the boat. Of course you feel upset, you've had a traumatic birth, have house guests, trying to look after all of them whilst finding your feet with your first baby and not hearing anything to make you feel like you are a wonderful mother. You are a wonderful mother! Your baby absolutely adores you! Never forget that! The bond you two share is like no other even though it may feel excruciating hard at times. I know as I have 3 under 4!

If you can suck up the rest of your time together then do. MIL sounds like a dick and probably said that without thinking. My own mother is the same.

If they are staying with you for a while longer could DH have a chat? You're both tired, it's a 2 bed house accommodating 5 adults and a baby, could they stay elsewhere for the last bit and pop in to see you. You're not going all out, get out of my house, but just trying to say it's a lot to cope with, which it is!!

I hope you've been able to have some rest and your recovery is going well. Be kind to yourself and only read the responses that will actually help you. Some people on here can be very cruel and lack empathy.

I don't think anybody suggested the baby wasn't the OPs. People asked if the SIL was adopted, otherwise if she is DHs sister she would have a biological link to the baby. Maybe you should go back and read properly before telling other people to do so 🙄

MrsKwazi · 31/12/2023 08:35

You net to get them out now. airbnb or similar if you must. Your recovery and bonding time for your nuclear family should take priority.

If I were you I would give my husband a very clear ultimatum. He has a wife and child and his own nuclear family, he has to choose where his priorities lie! Either they go or you go. Even if you book yourself into a hotel until they’re gone. Are your parents or any other family around where you can escape to? This is a crazy situation and I’m not sure why this has riled me so much!! So sorry you have to put up with this.

Pinkyhere · 31/12/2023 08:36

Horrible situation and terrible comment from mil.
I hope they leave soon and you can recover in peace and enjoy the baby.
Make a plan for the next time a visit is suggested. I hope your husband stands up for you more.
It will seem so much easier once they have left. Really hope you can rest a bit more and recover

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 08:36

When did you hear them calling you a milk cow ?

I'm not a dramatic person or prone to cutting people out, but I wouldn't let someone stay under my roof who had described me that way.

Mamma1982 · 31/12/2023 08:40

@abdlfp Sorry! My mistake!

Createausername1970 · 31/12/2023 08:47

Sounds very unpleasant. I think I would put up with the rest of this stay, you are over half way through it - but maybe feel ill for a few days and retire to bed. But as you live in a two bedroomed house and presumably baby (and any subsequent children) will be occupying the second bedroom, it would be difficult for them to stay with you again in future. I think that would be the conversation I would be having with DH once they had gone, "if they come again, they will have to stay elsewhere, no room here".

Swipe left for the next trending thread