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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DH

27 replies

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:17

My parents are in their early 70s and are doing round the clock care for my grandparents (late 90s).
They both have brothers and sisters to help with this and share the load.

I mentioned to my DH tonight I am a bit worried about what's going to happen when my parents get to that age because I'll be the only one responsible for what happens to them (I am an only child).

He's absolutely exploded at me and has gone off in a rage.

He said I'm ridiculous, selfish, and stupid because I have him and that's the same as having a sibling. I disagreed. They're not his parents.

He has a brother and a sister, they are a few years younger than him, but he thinks this is the same situation as me because he is the eldest.

I feel like I'm going crazy, aibu??

OP posts:
rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:19

very odd

he exploded with rage? really?

Original poster
EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:21

Yes, he has stormed off to bed.

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 30/12/2023 21:21

What a ridiculous thing to go off in a rage about! Does he do that often?

SgtJuneAckland · 30/12/2023 21:22

The rage is the odd part, just a reassuring it's ok you've got me I'd never let you cope on your own. Is a nice thing. Aggression seems at odds with that sentiment

mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 21:23

It’s triggered him somehow. Maybe he is fearful of the future and parents getting old and needing help. Not an excuse to explode, but perhaps try to talk to him in the morning about how he reacted and the reason why.

OfficerChurlish · 30/12/2023 21:26

It’s an odd reaction. Understandable if he reassured you that you have him and the two if you will manage, although of course not the same in terms of responsibility, emotional toll, etc. And even just for logistics, he has you AND two siblings, too. I’d guess he’s upset because he thinks you’re not appreciating in advance how wonderful he’ll be but yeah - not great for him to dismiss your legit concerns and make things all about him.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 21:28

He is BU to get in a rage.

Is he very supportive generally? Maybe he took you to mean that you didn’t think he’d support you with your parents?

Or is he a lazy and took this as criticism because he knows he won’t support you?

Original poster
EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:29

He is not an angry person usually. I tend to keep opinions to myself a lot because he can become annoyed and irritated when I disagree (I know that sounds bad, but it's okay, he just has strong opinions about things and I feel it's better to keep my opinions to myself most of the time to avoid argument).

I just feel sad about this because it's something I have been worrying about, and now I feel stupid. I thought it was ok to say this.

Sorry if I sound strange, English is my second language and I am trying to express myself clearly as possible.

OP posts:
rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:30

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:21

Yes, he has stormed off to bed.

not really a rage explosion

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:31

he flounced

Original poster
EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:34

Well, he shouted at me, slammed some doors, called me stupid and then went to spare room. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know.

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 30/12/2023 21:36

Why are you with someone who shouts at you, slams doors and doesn’t like you to express an opinion?

Olika · 30/12/2023 21:43

That is a very OTT reaction to a fair concern. It must have triggered something in him. I would try to have a chat about it to understand what's going on.

LittleGreenDragons · 30/12/2023 21:50

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:34

Well, he shouted at me, slammed some doors, called me stupid and then went to spare room. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know.

That is not a normal reaction to anything! But especially not to a comment regarding being a lone child.

So I suspect it's not about the comment at all but about you daring to disagree with him. He's wanting to put you back in your box.

Bestyearever2024 · 30/12/2023 21:52

Maybe he thinks you're telling him you won't be in his life when your parents need assistance?

What a strange man he is

And how very sad that you have to keep quiet and not disagree with him or else he gets irritated. Sounds very controlling

LordSnot · 30/12/2023 21:55

I know that sounds bad, but it's okay, he just has strong opinions about things and I feel it's better to keep my opinions to myself most of the time to avoid argument).

It sounds bad because it is bad. You don't have to live like this.

AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit · 30/12/2023 22:00

It is bad Op , you shouldn't have to keep your opinions to yourself in case he gets upset and the fact that you think this ok is a concern. His reaction is very odd and not in any way normal.

Original poster
EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 22:04

Is this not what people do though? Sometimes don't say anything/ what you really think in order to avoid a conflict?

He has very strong opinions on everything, he likes to prep and spends a lot of money on supplies and things like that.

I don't think that way, but I accept he does and don't argue about it.

OP posts:
justanothermummma · 30/12/2023 22:26

I mean, it's positive he sees them as his parents too and will support you.

His reaction is shit - he could have reacted WAAAAY better.

He obviously feels that you don't ever feel supported by him in that you're alone, so he obviously is hurt but again, the reaction is not okay.

In my mind, my parents are my burden when they become old and struggle, not my DH's problem - however, I'd always help my husband with his family and be willing to help, so if he refused my help, I would be hurt. My family is his family and vice versa.

Go and speak to him, apologise if he was offended about the way you said it maybe, as it really wasn't intended to hurt him - just hear each other out. I would also say that you found his reaction unacceptable and you won't tolerate it but hear why he reacted that way.

You think he's wrong, he thinks you are - so meet in the middle and don't both sulk separately. Talk it through.

Good luck OP, lots of love! (I'm an only so I get your point of view!)

Bestyearever2024 · 30/12/2023 22:30

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 22:04

Is this not what people do though? Sometimes don't say anything/ what you really think in order to avoid a conflict?

He has very strong opinions on everything, he likes to prep and spends a lot of money on supplies and things like that.

I don't think that way, but I accept he does and don't argue about it.

I think not arguing about him being a prepper and accepting that, is ok

My reading of your previous post was that you keep quiet about a lot of things for fear of him becoming irritated

If its just prepping that you keep quiet about, that's not SO bad

Although in truth you should be able to express your feelings and beliefs about ANYTHING and receive a respectful hearing

FerreroFan · 30/12/2023 23:06

I don't think you said anything wrong at all and his reaction is inexplicable, not to mention downright rude! It might be worth asking what triggered him?

It is sad you don't feel like you can share your opinions with him. You deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2023 23:10

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:29

He is not an angry person usually. I tend to keep opinions to myself a lot because he can become annoyed and irritated when I disagree (I know that sounds bad, but it's okay, he just has strong opinions about things and I feel it's better to keep my opinions to myself most of the time to avoid argument).

I just feel sad about this because it's something I have been worrying about, and now I feel stupid. I thought it was ok to say this.

Sorry if I sound strange, English is my second language and I am trying to express myself clearly as possible.

This is bad. you do see that, don’t you? He gets annoyed with you and you silence yourself over pointless, tiny, things. Thats worse than having real, loud arguments over important things.

LittleGreenDragons · 31/12/2023 00:36

Is this not what people do though? Sometimes don't say anything/ what you really think in order to avoid a conflict?

Yes it is what I did/do. Have done it for 30 years of marriage. It is much easier to pipe down and not say anything. To time any "contentious" comments to when he is in a good mood, to excuse it all because he is busy, or tired, or stressed. I have since been told by multiple GPs, counsellors, hospital consultants, two different DA charities, that I'm in an emotional, mentally and financially abusive relationship and should leave. My STBXH does the same as yours regarding the shouting and slamming of things.

Please look up emotional abuse. It's explained on the uk government website, multiple councils have it, as do Shelter, CAB, Age Concern, Relate, Refuge, Womens Aid etc. It's out there. Read it all. Your husband's reaction was not normal.

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2023 02:26

EmmaR1987 · 30/12/2023 21:29

He is not an angry person usually. I tend to keep opinions to myself a lot because he can become annoyed and irritated when I disagree (I know that sounds bad, but it's okay, he just has strong opinions about things and I feel it's better to keep my opinions to myself most of the time to avoid argument).

I just feel sad about this because it's something I have been worrying about, and now I feel stupid. I thought it was ok to say this.

Sorry if I sound strange, English is my second language and I am trying to express myself clearly as possible.

It's not OK. You can't express an opinion because he gets angry with you. So you just keep quiet. That's not a good way to live.

RantyAnty · 31/12/2023 02:54

He doesn't keep his opinions to himself though does he. It's just you who has to.

He reaction was bizarre and over the top.

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