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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? MIL issues

46 replies

Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 18:41

Hello all, after being a very long time lurker and enjoying the advice and lovely debate at times I would love to ask for your opinion. Although delicately given as I am about to tell you a bit of a story (which has plenty of backstories to it).

My DH and I have been in a relationship going on 11 yrs, no children but that’s for another day.

Unfortunately, in November I suffered the devastating loss of my beautiful mother she really was my best friend and as an only child I have picked up the mantle over Christmas to not just comfort my dad who is bereft, but also to carry out the Christmas Day meal and gift exchange with other family, as my mother loved Christmas and it felt to me like what she would have wanted for us all.

My MIL came to stay at our house over Christmas, my DH asked was this ok as she has form for staying longer (last Christmas was almost two weeks, which was particularly stressful at the time) this year she intended to stay Christmas Eve to boxing day evening, when MIL’s partner would come and pick her up. (She lives 1.5 hours away).

Anyway, MIL came a day early, we had Christmas which was emotional for my side of the family particularly. Then Boxing Day eve came and she informs DH she isn’t going home yet, that it will be the next day instead. DH worked this week from the Wednesday to Friday and although I was off work this week I had made plans to spend it with my father in the mornings and to run errands, visit dear friends in the afternoon who have been a great comfort to me during this sad time.

So, Wednesday DH goes to work, I take the dogs with me and run my errands for almost the entire day. Wednesday night MIL states her partner is picking her up Thursday.

Thursday comes, DH goes to work. I run some more errands then DH calls me half way through the day to say MIL is staying now until Friday now.

I get home late Thursday afternoon, make small talk although MIL is rather short with me which I ignore as I have a bigger picture in my head at the moment, make dinner for us all and then Friday…..

DH goes to work and MIL confronts me pretty aggressively, because I haven’t spent anytime with her in the day over the last two days. I must admit at this point I told her there was no plan for her to stay these days and if I was at work too, she would of been in the same position being at home for the day.

I told her I was doing the best I could to cope with the loss of my mother, by spending time with my father who I’m so worried about and seeing supportive friends.

MIL told me this doesn’t matter as I am the hostess and it is my job to host her. This is not my finest moment but I told her that my DH (her son) is also the host not just me. She lost the plot and said some nasty things and I left my house and didn’t come back until I knew she had left.

DH is supportive of me as he felt it very mean of MIL to confront me 1) in my own home & 2) after the loss of my mother whilst I’m at my most vulnerable.

So to the point, AIBU. Should I have cancelled all my plans to spend time with her (she really grates me hence why I didn’t do this) or is this ok for me to do what is best for me right now whilst I’m still grieving my mother?

OP posts:
bellocchild · 30/12/2023 18:54

Sorry to hear this. Be polite but chilly in your response. 'I'm sorry if it has been a disappointing Christmas for you, but this has been a distressing time for my family. I am sure you understand.'

AllAboardTootToot · 30/12/2023 18:55

bellocchild · 30/12/2023 18:54

Sorry to hear this. Be polite but chilly in your response. 'I'm sorry if it has been a disappointing Christmas for you, but this has been a distressing time for my family. I am sure you understand.'

Or more succinctly… fuck off you self centred old bat? 🤷‍♀️

MrsHaaland · 30/12/2023 18:58

No absolutely not! She wasn't meant to be staying and you have way too much on your plate to be hosting her too, she's lucky she even got to stay because if it was me I would have said not this year! Kind of in a similar situation. I lost my mother in law in November and my father in law is coping that terribly he's having to come and live with us so I know how much you've got going on and how you could have probably done without her visit altogether! Definitely NTA

JSMill · 30/12/2023 18:58

I'm so sorry. She's a selfish old cow. She probably hated that your attention was rightly focused on coping with losing your dm and not fawning over her. I remember my mil being horrible to me just after I lost my dm and it hurts so much, it was like kicking someone when they were down.

Outlookmainlyfair · 30/12/2023 19:00

Sounds like she was desperate to blame you and make everything about her. You did nothing wrong.

mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 19:00

I wouldn’t talk to this nasty old woman again. She is selfish to the core and a horrible woman. If she must come to your house I would insist that dh entertain her- or she gets put out like the cat.

Allofaflutter · 30/12/2023 19:00

I would have thrown her out of the house right then.

Mazuslongtoenail · 30/12/2023 19:02

My MIL is with us for a fortnight over Christmas, there’s the expectation that we will all do our own things at times and catch up at other times.

And I’d say that pointing out your DH was also the host was indeed your finest moment because it’s absolutely true and fair.

Kittyloulou · 30/12/2023 19:04

Tell her you made plans around her visit. The fact that she kept extending her stay at such short notice unfortunately didn’t allow you to be able to amend your previously made plans. Your father needs your support at this time. Sorry love, go do one.

Member984815 · 30/12/2023 19:05

Sorry for your loss, you did nothing wrong . How selfish of her to expect you to run around after her when you are grieving and supporting your dad .

cruisebaba1 · 30/12/2023 19:05

AllAboardTootToot · 30/12/2023 18:55

Or more succinctly… fuck off you self centred old bat? 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

MinervatheGreat · 30/12/2023 19:06

I am sorry for your loss OP. It must have been a very sensitive time for you, your dad and extended family.

What an insensitive selfish self centred cow your MIL is. I’m glad you stuck to your plans and buzzed off out to do your errands and spend time with Dad.

You know what to do next year but… make sure you get DH on side well in advance before you lay down the ground rules to her.

I hope DH will cover your back because she does not deserve a kind and accommodating DIL
like you at this time of grieving.

eish · 30/12/2023 19:06

I am so sorry I voted you were being unreasonable which was by accident! The only unreasonable one is MIL. I hate guests that overstay, family or not. Whether you had been through a terrible time or not you had every right to continue your plans.

coconutpie · 30/12/2023 19:08

So your MIL basically told you that it doesn't matter that your beloved mother passed away a month ago and you are doing your best to support your bereaved father. After that comment, I would have told her to fuck off, thrown her out of the house and told her it will be a cold day in hell before you will see her again. This is one of those times where it is advisable to go No Contact. She is a despicable excuse of a human being.

Clarinet1 · 30/12/2023 19:11

YWNBU! She changed her plans several times and should not have expected you to change yours to dance attendance on her.
I’m also sorry for your loss and think you were doing well to put on some sort of Christmas when it was so recent. Also agree with those who say your DH was also hosting her!

BashfulClam · 30/12/2023 19:14

Well she’s shot her self in the foot as if I was you she would not be staying ever again.

Oneearringlost · 30/12/2023 19:16

eish · 30/12/2023 19:06

I am so sorry I voted you were being unreasonable which was by accident! The only unreasonable one is MIL. I hate guests that overstay, family or not. Whether you had been through a terrible time or not you had every right to continue your plans.

You can reverse your vote simply by clicking on the favoured option.

BettyBakesCakes · 30/12/2023 19:16

Yanbu. Your dh needs to speak to her. If you ever let her stay again HE needs to be clear you've already made other plans and no she cannot stay longer if she tries it again. She's probably mardy her plan didn't work this time.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 30/12/2023 19:18

So sorry for your loss OP, and of course your dear dad needed your support at this very sad time.
Your MIL is a witch.How dare she expect you dance attendance on her at this or anytime. How dare she dictate when she leaves ( your DH needs to step up on that one).

Ignore her. Don’t host her for a loooong time. Look after yourself and your grieving family.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 19:19

I would be driven crazy by anyone changing the day they were leaving. How selfish, knowing you just lost your mum! I'm forever amazed at how awful some people are. What has your DH said? I hope she isn't allowed back for a good long while.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/12/2023 19:19

No you are not being unreasonable to do your planned activities, mil changed the goal posts

but learning from this she would not be invited again unless your husband is home all the time to host her. If she insist she is to remain after he returns to work then he tells her that’s not acceptable and she has to go home

JSMill · 30/12/2023 19:19

I would say she's actually done you a favour in being so outwardly aggressive and nasty to you so it's plain to everyone who's in the wrong here. I'm glad your dh seems to have your back.

Ribenaberry12 · 30/12/2023 19:23

You’re not being unreasonable. First Christmas without your mum if I was your MIL I’d be been waiting on you over Christmas so you could stay in your pyjamas and have a bloody good cry whenever you wanted one. It’s not your job to entertain her. She’s being selfish.

ReindeerShelter · 30/12/2023 19:26

Well she wouldn’t be staying in my house again. YANBU.

PBandJ111 · 30/12/2023 19:32

She was bang out of order. Go on holiday next Christmas.

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