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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? MIL issues

46 replies

Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 18:41

Hello all, after being a very long time lurker and enjoying the advice and lovely debate at times I would love to ask for your opinion. Although delicately given as I am about to tell you a bit of a story (which has plenty of backstories to it).

My DH and I have been in a relationship going on 11 yrs, no children but that’s for another day.

Unfortunately, in November I suffered the devastating loss of my beautiful mother she really was my best friend and as an only child I have picked up the mantle over Christmas to not just comfort my dad who is bereft, but also to carry out the Christmas Day meal and gift exchange with other family, as my mother loved Christmas and it felt to me like what she would have wanted for us all.

My MIL came to stay at our house over Christmas, my DH asked was this ok as she has form for staying longer (last Christmas was almost two weeks, which was particularly stressful at the time) this year she intended to stay Christmas Eve to boxing day evening, when MIL’s partner would come and pick her up. (She lives 1.5 hours away).

Anyway, MIL came a day early, we had Christmas which was emotional for my side of the family particularly. Then Boxing Day eve came and she informs DH she isn’t going home yet, that it will be the next day instead. DH worked this week from the Wednesday to Friday and although I was off work this week I had made plans to spend it with my father in the mornings and to run errands, visit dear friends in the afternoon who have been a great comfort to me during this sad time.

So, Wednesday DH goes to work, I take the dogs with me and run my errands for almost the entire day. Wednesday night MIL states her partner is picking her up Thursday.

Thursday comes, DH goes to work. I run some more errands then DH calls me half way through the day to say MIL is staying now until Friday now.

I get home late Thursday afternoon, make small talk although MIL is rather short with me which I ignore as I have a bigger picture in my head at the moment, make dinner for us all and then Friday…..

DH goes to work and MIL confronts me pretty aggressively, because I haven’t spent anytime with her in the day over the last two days. I must admit at this point I told her there was no plan for her to stay these days and if I was at work too, she would of been in the same position being at home for the day.

I told her I was doing the best I could to cope with the loss of my mother, by spending time with my father who I’m so worried about and seeing supportive friends.

MIL told me this doesn’t matter as I am the hostess and it is my job to host her. This is not my finest moment but I told her that my DH (her son) is also the host not just me. She lost the plot and said some nasty things and I left my house and didn’t come back until I knew she had left.

DH is supportive of me as he felt it very mean of MIL to confront me 1) in my own home & 2) after the loss of my mother whilst I’m at my most vulnerable.

So to the point, AIBU. Should I have cancelled all my plans to spend time with her (she really grates me hence why I didn’t do this) or is this ok for me to do what is best for me right now whilst I’m still grieving my mother?

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 19:35

If you allow her to stay again, your dh drives her home at the agreed time

Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:35

Thank you, I did reply slightly in this vein without apologising

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:37

MrsHaaland · 30/12/2023 18:58

No absolutely not! She wasn't meant to be staying and you have way too much on your plate to be hosting her too, she's lucky she even got to stay because if it was me I would have said not this year! Kind of in a similar situation. I lost my mother in law in November and my father in law is coping that terribly he's having to come and live with us so I know how much you've got going on and how you could have probably done without her visit altogether! Definitely NTA

Thank you I really appreciate the support

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:39

JSMill · 30/12/2023 18:58

I'm so sorry. She's a selfish old cow. She probably hated that your attention was rightly focused on coping with losing your dm and not fawning over her. I remember my mil being horrible to me just after I lost my dm and it hurts so much, it was like kicking someone when they were down.

I absolutely agree, the problem I have with her is that if she isn’t the epicentre of our attention she acts like a spoilt child and I am at my wits end of slaving away for her and this year because of circumstances I didn’t do what she would expect me to do, but did what I could to help myself instead. DH supported me throughout thankfully

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:42

mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 19:00

I wouldn’t talk to this nasty old woman again. She is selfish to the core and a horrible woman. If she must come to your house I would insist that dh entertain her- or she gets put out like the cat.

Edited

Oh absolutely, I think my next move when I speak to DH properly about it (I just need to pull myself together) is that I don’t wish for her to stay at our home anymore as her behaviour was unacceptable unless she apologises - which knowing her would be never

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:45

Member984815 · 30/12/2023 19:05

Sorry for your loss, you did nothing wrong . How selfish of her to expect you to run around after her when you are grieving and supporting your dad .

Thank you, I’m relieved to see that these comments show I wasn’t in the wrong here. After mum passed I’ve really started doubting myself and unable to make decisions so couldn’t decided whether I was right to be upset with her

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 19:46

Next year she doesn't get over your threshold... Any day of 2024..

Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:48

MinervatheGreat · 30/12/2023 19:06

I am sorry for your loss OP. It must have been a very sensitive time for you, your dad and extended family.

What an insensitive selfish self centred cow your MIL is. I’m glad you stuck to your plans and buzzed off out to do your errands and spend time with Dad.

You know what to do next year but… make sure you get DH on side well in advance before you lay down the ground rules to her.

I hope DH will cover your back because she does not deserve a kind and accommodating DIL
like you at this time of grieving.

I didn’t know whether I was being selfish sticking to plans but the upshot of this is that DH is cross with her too for taking the opportunity to have a go at me whilst he wasn’t there.

Ground rules will be enforced now, but firstly she must apologise for this behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:51

coconutpie · 30/12/2023 19:08

So your MIL basically told you that it doesn't matter that your beloved mother passed away a month ago and you are doing your best to support your bereaved father. After that comment, I would have told her to fuck off, thrown her out of the house and told her it will be a cold day in hell before you will see her again. This is one of those times where it is advisable to go No Contact. She is a despicable excuse of a human being.

Thank you, I am going to go into the new year going no contact with her. She was a terrible mother to DH growing up and why he even makes the time for her now I don’t know she is selfish and self centred to the core.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 19:55

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 19:19

I would be driven crazy by anyone changing the day they were leaving. How selfish, knowing you just lost your mum! I'm forever amazed at how awful some people are. What has your DH said? I hope she isn't allowed back for a good long while.

It does drive me bonkers changing her dates.
she has had two hip operations in the last 2 years and each time she outstayed her welcome by weeks. But, I have held my tongue for DH’s sake. He couldn’t believe me when I told him what happened and then got his mum’s version - god knows what she said.

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 20:15

Being nc with your mil is fucking fantastic op. Definitely recommend it. Been 9 years of pure bliss.

BetterWithPockets · 30/12/2023 20:38

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry about your DM. It’s tough, I know. And your MIL sounds horrendously unsympathetic. I’m really glad your DH seems to have your back though. I’m afraid I’ve got no words of advice but couldn’t read and run as they say. Sending love. X

Original poster
Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 20:48

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and suggestions. It’s assured me in a way that I can’t describe to you all.

OP posts:
TurkeyTwizlers · 30/12/2023 20:59

If she needs someone to ‘host’ her all day she needs to be there only when DH is off work.

Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean it’s your job to host, and just because you are both women does it mean you need be socialising with her all day.

JSMill · 30/12/2023 21:51

Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 20:48

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and suggestions. It’s assured me in a way that I can’t describe to you all.

I'm glad. You're still in an early stage of grieving and don't need any added stress. You need nurturing from those around you. It's sad your mil can't value you as a ddil and show you love and support. Mine didn't either but that experience reminded me to always reach to those experiencing loss.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2023 22:01

I'm sorry about your mum.

But even if you hadn't been grieving, its not OK to tell people you're staying 2 nights...then change it to three with no notice...then 4....then 5, and expect your hosts plans to change.

Hosting implies there's been an invite somewhere along the way!

Ju1ieAndrews · 30/12/2023 22:13

She had no right to impose herself on you at this difficult time.

Arriving a day early should have been resolved by your DH driving her home a day early.

You need an apology and you are well within your rights to not have her stay again.

Your DH can easily go and visit her for lunch or even stay over without you in the future, an hour and a half drive really isn't much to do there and back in a day.

Grumpynan · 30/12/2023 22:26

I’m just going to give a quote from my now deceased MIL

my dad was terminally ill with cancer, it was Mother’s Day so she came fir the weekend, I was ok with it not thrilled but excepted we should have her.

an hour before she arrived I had a call from my brother, dad was slipping, could be anytime, but the doctor had said we probably had a couple of weeks but he would let me know the moment that changed.

i told mil when she arrived and explained that if I got a call I would have to go .

her reply ———-

well that buts a damper on my weekend, I hope he doesn’t die till next week or the weekend will be totally ruined!1

i can smile about it know but at the time I was speechless.

so in answer to your question, you do what helps you get through this, she can go home if she doesn’t like it

mrsmacmc · 30/12/2023 22:30

@AllAboardTootToot

Stealing your phrase!! Made me spit out my tea when I read it 🤣

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 22:37

Grumpynan · 30/12/2023 22:26

I’m just going to give a quote from my now deceased MIL

my dad was terminally ill with cancer, it was Mother’s Day so she came fir the weekend, I was ok with it not thrilled but excepted we should have her.

an hour before she arrived I had a call from my brother, dad was slipping, could be anytime, but the doctor had said we probably had a couple of weeks but he would let me know the moment that changed.

i told mil when she arrived and explained that if I got a call I would have to go .

her reply ———-

well that buts a damper on my weekend, I hope he doesn’t die till next week or the weekend will be totally ruined!1

i can smile about it know but at the time I was speechless.

so in answer to your question, you do what helps you get through this, she can go home if she doesn’t like it

I'd have pushed her back out the door!

Emptyheadlock · 30/12/2023 22:45

Bloody hell op. She is hideous.

Hope you're okay.

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