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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Date: Would there be a second date?

41 replies

Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:04

AIBU to assume that if a first date didn't request my mobile number during the first date or before saying our goodbyes, there'd be no second date?

OP posts:
chocolateaupain · 30/12/2023 18:10

How did you arrange the first date without each other's numbers?

KnickerlessParsons · 30/12/2023 18:11

Did you ask for the date's number?

witte · 30/12/2023 18:17

I wouldn't assume that

Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:22

We met on an app. All arranged there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:22

No, I didn't ask for his number. He said we'll be in touch.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2023 18:23

It might have been considerate not to ask for your number. You might not want to give it out that quickly. Wait and see if he messages.

hoxtonbabe · 30/12/2023 18:25

It seems odd they didn’t ask, I mean if you like each other why would they want to go back to communicating via the dating app or social media platform ( I assume that’s how you arranged to meet) so I personally would be thinking they aren’t keen.

That said I have never been on a date without an exchange of numbers.

Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:26

I had a previous date with whom I went on three dates, without asking to exchange numbers. I didn't either. I thought if they were really excited about me, they'd ask so that they don't lose the connection should in case I disappeared from the app. In the end, I unmatched them. Thought they were too comfortable to assume they can always communicate me via the app.

Now had this date today and he did not ask to exchange numbers either.

Am I doing something wrong? Is it lady-like to do it the asking? I'm nervous. Not sure I've got a hang of this dating thing.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 30/12/2023 18:27

If you’ve been messaging via the app he might be assuming he can keep contact up through that.

chocolateaupain · 30/12/2023 18:32

Is it lady-like to do it the asking? I'm nervous. Not sure I've got a hang of this dating thing.

It's fine to do the asking as a woman if you're keen - I would (and have in the past). I'm in my 30s and I'd think nothing of asking if a date wanted to swap numbers if we were getting along. You can always block if they turn out to be an arse.

ManateeFair · 30/12/2023 18:33

Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:26

I had a previous date with whom I went on three dates, without asking to exchange numbers. I didn't either. I thought if they were really excited about me, they'd ask so that they don't lose the connection should in case I disappeared from the app. In the end, I unmatched them. Thought they were too comfortable to assume they can always communicate me via the app.

Now had this date today and he did not ask to exchange numbers either.

Am I doing something wrong? Is it lady-like to do it the asking? I'm nervous. Not sure I've got a hang of this dating thing.

Of course you can ask for a man’s number. It’s not 1950.

Stop expecting people to read your mind. It was mad to unmatch with someone you'd had three dates with, solely because he contacted you via the app instead of asking for your number, and without even having a conversation about it. Why do you assume your dates have the same assumptions and thought processes that you would?

Can I ask how old you are?

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 18:33

No, you’ve already got a means of communicating at the moment. Last guy I was seeing we didn’t exchange numbers until just before second date (we communicated via work system)

Blueskies2023 · 30/12/2023 18:36

When I was online dating, we always exchanged numbers before the first date and messaged via WhatsApp or iMessage

hoxtonbabe · 30/12/2023 18:39

I don’t think there’s a hard rule about who does the asking first. In my case my profile actually states do not ask for my number as i am not running a hotline that I just hand my number over within 5 minutes of conversation, so I kinda have to do the asking and so far so good I have never had a man say no.

But I do know some men will wait for the lady to offer out of respect etc, so if you ask, he might actually explain he ways waiting for you to ask.. if it’s flowing nicely and you are getting on just ask ☺️☺️

Grimchmas · 30/12/2023 18:41

Trust me, you want the ones who wait to ask more than you want the ones who expect it on first message.

Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:41

I'm close to 40. I've been single for a long time after a longterm relationship.
To be honest, they didn't seem excited/ keen in both cases. Also, I'm not sure what other signs to look out for to be sure before suggesting a swap.
I just think they're on the fence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:43

So, I ask if the date's gone well.
Ok, thanks. I'll try that next time.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 30/12/2023 18:44

Is it lady-like to do it the asking?

It's 2024 (nearly). Ladies may ask for gentlemen's phone numbers.

Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 18:45

I don't think this one was keen though. While talking, he suddenly interrupted to end the date. The goodbye was abrupt. Maybe I'd been talking too much?

OP posts:
hoxtonbabe · 30/12/2023 19:04

Hmmm, that doesn’t sound good.

did you not have some conversations over the phone/facetime? ( even if it was via the dating app) most of these apps allow you to have video calls.

Original poster
Arableland · 30/12/2023 19:46

hoxtonbabe · 30/12/2023 19:04

Hmmm, that doesn’t sound good.

did you not have some conversations over the phone/facetime? ( even if it was via the dating app) most of these apps allow you to have video calls.

No. We've just been chatting. Not phone calls via the app.
He's messaged me to ask for another date.
Does that mean I misread something? The date didn't end well in my opinion. He seemed agitated to me, cut in abruptly to ask that we get the bill and the goodbye was quick and cold. I'm more of a calm person and would have loved an easy close. I felt he was more agitated and now don't know what to think of the encounter.

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 30/12/2023 19:53

Maybe he wasn't feeling too well and wanted to escape to get to a toilet or something. Don't write it off too soon. He's asked for another date so he must have liked you. Unless you really didn't get a good vibe off him, try one more date and see if it feels better.

Also, make sure to ask him questions and let him talk about himself a bit. Sometimes when we're nervous we can talk too much. Don't be frightened of short silences. I know the urge can be to say anything, just to fill a silence.

Tooshytoshine · 30/12/2023 19:58

Maybe he had to be somewhere or had to catch a bus or parking was running out.

Did you like him? Anything else is just guessing at this stage as to what he thinks - you aren't a mind reader. And what he thinks doesn't matter if you don't want to date him.

I'd go in another date but think do I feel liked and my best self around this person. If not, then cut them loose. If so, then say this has been lovely - let's swap numbers as I don't always check the app...

Candleabra · 30/12/2023 20:00

I don’t think there will be a second date sorry.
In my experience if men are keen they will lock down the next date before the end of the current one. No second guessing etc.

Trieditall · 30/12/2023 20:02

I used to swap numbers before a date but I got fed up of men wanting to WhatsApp all day long, even when they were supposedly in work. Then I would keep to the app even after meeting up. It didn’t make much difference really but obviously you can suggest swapping numbers if you like him.