Ending Mat Leave at 3 months and asking DH to be off with baby

[ExtremelyExhaustedHelp]

Posting here for traffic and i'm desperate

I'm probably not thinking rationally at all due to being sleep deprived but I just need to put this down

Me and husband both work. I work 4 days a week, dh works 5. I went off on maternity leave back in October and baby was born in November

I feel like i'm hanging by a thread. I can't function normally anymore as our newborn doesn't like to be put down (I know this is normal) - I seriously wish we could reverse the roles and I could go to work instead, and husband could be home to look after dc's.

Only problem is he's the higher earner. I bring in half of what he does monthly. He is self-employed so could be off as long as he wants (unpaid of course)

We get UC top ups depending on what DH brings in. If I go back to work after the mandatory 12 weeks, and he stays home for the remaining 7 or so months, will UC help us? My wage will just about cover rent and bills but if UC tops us up then we can get by. He obviously won't get SMP but I am so desperate to go back. If we keep things the way they are then I get SMP + DH brings in what he brings in except I feel like i'm going mental and can't cope with the newborn

I sound like an awful mother I know but this is the truth, this is how I feel right now. I feel work will keep me sane

Could you do a slow return to work and find a local nanny or nursery who would be willing to take a baby that young? It was 20 years ago now, but I found mat leave difficult and only lasted 8 weeks before I started to plan my return. Went back at 12 weeks on a 6 week plan where I stepped up slowly back to full time for me and my son to adjust. Worked well for all of us and I think saved my sanity! I found out that I was not cut out to be a SAHM quickly and thankfully had a supportive husband and was able to find care for my son that worked for us.

Have a look at shared parental leave as he may be able to get some money. UC will most likely top up.

You only legally need to be off 2 weeks. It makes sense not to go back until maternity pay drops to smp though.

Hope you're okay OP. Having a newborn is hard. Don't rush into the decision though.

Have you looked into shared parental leave? That might work for you.

You aren't an awful mother at all, a long maternity leave isn't for everyone and that's absolutely fine. I went back to work when DS was 12 weeks and will do the same this time too.

Ultimately can you afford for him to take time off unpaid
how would effectively shutting his business for months affect it
would it recover and would he loose any existing customers

You are definitely not an awful mother.

I'm sure that all the modern expert mothers are going to jump all over me in a second. There is nothing "normal" about a new- ish baby not wanting to be put down. Post-partum means just that. They are separated from you and don't die because they are put down!

You don't need to be the MN perfect mother. The human race has survived millenia on "imperfect parenting". There are no signs of it dying out. Give yourself a break. It's not only ok to not be "perfect", but it's probably a service to your child. At no point in life will you ever get everything you want or demand...

Thank you all so much for your replies. We won't be able to get shared leave as dh is self employed

Husband is contracted with a company and chooses what days he wants to work, he doesn't have customers such. Saying that if he's off for a certain number of months, the company would require him to reapply for the job and usually there's no issue with that but you never know I suppose

I will look into the local nursery which I know takes newborns, just hope they have space

@Neriah thank you so much for your kind words. I try to remind myself it's ok to finish off my meal as long as the baby is fed and warm. Just so hard

Is your husband a sole trader or employ himself through a limited company? If the former, he will not be able to get SPP or have any of your maternity allowance transferred to him.

Just financially speaking, you might be better off if your dh keeps working but you hire a lot of mother's help. Perhaps a few hours a day even. That would give you time to rest and eat and shower in peace, but still cost less than the difference in your two wages.

You're so obviously a first time mom. It's OK to put yourself first some of the time! Develop a sense of humour. You'll need it. If you think this is hard, wait for the teenage years. You'll want to divorce them. They'll want to divorce you. Babies are "I, I, I..". Teenagers are the same but with more words.

You do not need to be the perfect mother. Don't try to be. The minute you try to be, you fail. Because nobody can live up to the standards they set themselves. Relax. I've never personally tried it, but I know people who dropped the baby on it's head... and they both survived!

You gave my sympathies but I'm not sure that going back is going to solve sleep deprivation tbh.

If baby is bottle fed, then there's no reason why you shouldn't be sharing the feeds/wake ups equally now. That's what we did with our first (ff baby). Either you split the night (we did until 3am and after 3am, and got enough sleep that way that neither of us need to go to bed stupidly early so we had evening times too) or alternate nights. If you are already sharing then there's no advantage in you going back. If he refuses to do his share now, the likelihood of him using months off and doing all night wakes is vanishingly small.

If you are BF, then you'll be doing all the feeds irrespective of work. If baby takes expressed then there's no reason who you can't be sharing the nights already.

If you want to go back for adult company etc, then fine, but it's unlikely to solve sleep deprivation. Sorry :-(

Ps when my dd was about 6mo and dh had gone vack to work, I remember being exhausted and I hired a mother's help fir just 3h a week and it was transformative. Only about 12-15 quid an hour so we could have afforded more if I needed it. She helped entertain the baby, put laundry away, wipe the kitchen surfaces, just whatever random help I needed. Unfortunately dd never quite warmed to her (she was loud and cheery which is so different from me and dh so dd couldnt get used to her) so we didn't keep her on long, but I'd find another one later this mat leave I think.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice re the mat/shared leave but you are definitely not a bad mother for feeling this way. It is HARD. You're right about it being normal that your wee one doesn't want to be put down but by God is it trying. If you could arrange a gradual return to work that could possibly help. Even if you were back two days per week but I'm not sure how that works as you'd be technically ending your mat leave I think. Best of luck whatever you do. It does get better.

Honestly, it does get better.

Does your husband help when he gets home?
Do you have external help at all (family or a friend?)

A sling saved my sanity, shove baby in and get on with whatever you need to do rather than being glued to the sofa.
I know it sounds crazy but when DH came in from work at 5pm or so I went to bed. DH had baby from then until around midnight so I had a decent block of sleep and anything else was a bonus. It meant I didn’t see him
but sleep was worth it 😄

I also went back to work 2 days pretty soon (6 months ish) but I was more tired. The baby was even more clingy when I got back and I found they woke more at night if I had been to work that day.

I’ve had 2 more children since that first one and did the same with those.

You do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane op.

This sounds so hard, I remember those awful early days so well, just longing to be back at work. It seems impossible, but it WILL pass. One day you will have a lovely little child happily bouncing into school or nursery while you go and talk to other adults, and this period of time will feel like a distant bad dream.

You say DP chooses his days he works. Could he not switch to three days, and you go back to work two days? Or perhaps both do three days, with DC in nursery one or two days? I'd look into any options that help you retain your sanity. I think you'll find that regular childcare even for a few hours a week would help massively in giving you that bit of breathing space you can rely on each week. Also get your DH to do a regular slot so again you know you're guaranteed that time each week, like a saturday morning or something where they go for a long walk.

Wow thank you all so very much for these replies and suggestions. Husband has been amazing and shares the night feeds with me, as soon as he's through the door he will take the baby off me which helps a lot. It's just that he works long hours - out the door by 7am and back around 8pm so within that time i'm just exhausted as I have a dc already and i'm probably feeling it more now as it's the holidays and he's not at school

I think I will try going to bed a bit earlier and do the 3am thing so I can have enough sleep for the day ahead

Will also look into mother's help - didn't even think of that to be honest and it will be way better financially for us

Thank you all for assuring me this will pass. It's putting a lot into perspective and I was almost about to rush into something without thinking

Lots of good advice here - only other thing I’d add is that that 0-3 months period is SUCH hard work. I hadn’t heard of the 4th trimester until we were nearly out of it but it made so much sense. You should do whatever feels right to you, but a 4-6 month old baby (usually!) will be falling into routines that you can steer and it felt to me entirely different / better parenting a 6 month old than a 2.5 month old.

I would be cautious that you’re not just swapping one shitty sleep deprived state for another - it’s hard to be a sahp being sleep deprived, but I’d argue it’s even harder when you feel like you’re letting your co-workers down and you’re unable to string coherent sentences together to clients..! A mother’s help to give you more nap / non baby time might be a better place to start. Good luck, you’re not alone!

Good advice!

There is no mandatory 12 weeks of Mat leave.

I've known couple where the mum went back to work dad was SAHP from being a young infant.

Go to entitled to for UC calculator.

Also check what UC childcare costs you'd get if you both work full time.

Can't your husband get shared parental leave? You should be able to split the smp with him after 4 weeks and within a year of the birth.

You likely will have a minimum amount of notice to return, so here's my advice for that time with a velcro baby, if you haven't done these things already:

• practice "drowsy but awake" put downs in the pram, and try to stretch out "happy awake" times in the pram a little longer each day
• get a nursing pillow, a proper hands free one, not just a lap one and a kindle
• get a sling to use during another nap, and get some stuff done - gardening, crafting, vacuuming - just something to keep you on your feet and using your brain
• a bouncer and baby sensory TV should give you another few minutes per day - I do have to stay engaged-ish, but I have both hands free and he isn't attacked to me
• give yourself at least three twenty minute breaks a day as routine. I hand over my son after his first feed, during lunchtime for a shower, and around bedtime.
• try matched betting. I have made about £1500 in ten weeks since he was born, and I find having a job plus generating extra cash really fun.

It is tricky being the sole comfort of a velcro baby, but if I do all of the above it does space out the day.

This is another good point.

Do what works for you, but I would be pissed if I did the hard bit, then my husband got a happier phase straight after!

That is a really long day on your own with newborn + dc.

Hope you can find some help. There might be some neighbouring teenagers off school at the moment who could entertain the older child for you.

You have had tonnes of advice already but just to add....

If you really truly want to go back... Do it

But hormones and sleep deprivation really can sleep perception.

3m was pretty much my lowest ebb... and that was height of a nice summer. You are trapped in the most depressing part of the year weatherwise.

It's amazing the difference 4-6 weeks can make... .
by 6m I was getting blocks of sleep and close to full nights
...By 9m reliable full nights (it all went to hell again at 15m but that's another story!)

9-12m were the best of my mat leave. i was finally able to fucking sleep Baby was starting to get more fun / independent. Their personality was coming out. Baby classes were less of a waste of time/more fun. It was lovely...

I thought about going back early but am happy I took the year.

And I remember vividly the despair at 0-3m. I felt like it was going to be like this. Always. Forever. And my life was ruined and would be a permanent uphill struggle from now on.
And I also remember how hard I wished someone had just told me then that it would be okay and would get better and easier. Instead I got a load of shit about how it just gets harder 👍👍👍 😒😒😒

I have a now nearly 2 year old and for my sins no 2 is also about to arrive.... It's much easier.

I find toddlers SO much better.
My DD is hilarious and interesting and surprises me (in a good way!) every day. I get sooooo much joy from her in a way I just did not when she was a baby and even her 4 x daily tantrums about bizarre things don't both or annoy me.