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Original poster

Ending Mat Leave at 3 months and asking DH to be off with baby

44 replies

ExtremelyExhaustedHelp · 30/12/2023 17:31

Posting here for traffic and i'm desperate

I'm probably not thinking rationally at all due to being sleep deprived but I just need to put this down

Me and husband both work. I work 4 days a week, dh works 5. I went off on maternity leave back in October and baby was born in November

I feel like i'm hanging by a thread. I can't function normally anymore as our newborn doesn't like to be put down (I know this is normal) - I seriously wish we could reverse the roles and I could go to work instead, and husband could be home to look after dc's.

Only problem is he's the higher earner. I bring in half of what he does monthly. He is self-employed so could be off as long as he wants (unpaid of course)

We get UC top ups depending on what DH brings in. If I go back to work after the mandatory 12 weeks, and he stays home for the remaining 7 or so months, will UC help us? My wage will just about cover rent and bills but if UC tops us up then we can get by. He obviously won't get SMP but I am so desperate to go back. If we keep things the way they are then I get SMP + DH brings in what he brings in except I feel like i'm going mental and can't cope with the newborn

I sound like an awful mother I know but this is the truth, this is how I feel right now. I feel work will keep me sane

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 31/12/2023 07:46

We get UC top ups depending on what DH brings in. If I go back to work after the mandatory 12 weeks, and he stays home for the remaining 7 or so months, will UC help us?

Put your income figures into entitledto.co.uk to see how much UC you'd get if your DH stops working.

Or on your UC account you can ask to speak to an advisor about it.

The sleep deprivation in the first 6 months is a killer, add on clingyness and I understand why you want to go back to work but it did get easier for me, everything changed every couple of months.

doomday · 31/12/2023 08:00

Look for some external childcare and go back on very part time basis.
A mother's helper may also help you a bit until you go back. Or a night nanny?
If really struggling call your health visitor and they may be able to refer you for a home start volunteer to give some additional help for free. ( this depends on area and your circumstances).
Probably not a good idea for you self employed higher earning DH to take paternity leave.

Some people really just don't like being home all day with a baby. that's fine if going to work makes you happier and thus a better mother go back.

Thehobbit2013 · 31/12/2023 08:09

The fourth trimester can be so hard. When my first was born she was just like yours wouldn’t sleep during the day unless held. I invested in a decent baby carrier and when I had the energy I would get things done wearing baby, other days I just didn’t have any energy and got nothing done. DH would sometimes come home to dishes from the night before need doing before dinner could be even prepped. He just cracked on and we coped. After those first months baby got easier and I began to enjoy my maternity leave.

You need to do what’s right for you but personally I wouldn’t rush back to work just yet as hopefully it will get better. In the meantime just concentrate on survival. This too shall pass.

ChateauMargaux · 31/12/2023 08:11

Mothers help is a good idea... but also, your husband could work fewer hours ..

RadRad · 31/12/2023 08:22

I don't think going back to work will solve the problem OP, you just need some me time during the day to feel yourself again. As others have suggested, get someone to come round for a few hours a day/week and see how that goes. Your baby is only just adjusting to the fact that they are separated from you, in fact they think that you are the same person until 6m of age. My dd was attached to me 24/7 in the first 12 months to be honest, what helped me was reading books and just doing non-baby related stuff. Putting things into perspective, this will pass xx

dancinginthewind · 31/12/2023 09:02

As others have said, you need support in the house. Try childcare.co.uk or your local FB site. And be creative! With DC2, we had a local teenager come around for an hour each evening to help with bathtime etc as I knew DH wouldn't be home from work. After a few months, DC2 went to a local childminder for 2 4hr sessions a week. It worked really well for both of us - she usually did wraparound childcare only but needed some extra income. One session they went to a baby group and for a walk. The other session they did her supermarket shop and various errands, I really didn't care as I knew he was safe & being looked after. A couple of friends expressed surprise until I pointed out that they had had family members over pretty much each day since their DC and been born.

Daisies12 · 31/12/2023 09:06

its really not “normal” for a baby to not be put down, it’s some bizarre notion at the moment that you’ll damage them if you don’t hold them constantly- but it’s simply not true. I wonder if you and DH need to work together to have baby do more sleeping in their own, and you get more of a break.

Badgerandfox227 · 31/12/2023 09:15

I really struggled with my second OP, I did shared parental leave and couldn’t wait to go back. My second had silent reflux so there was a huge amount of crying, from both of us! I couldn’t get breastfeeding to work, tried pumping as much as I could so feeding, expressing and winding took up so much of my life.
Is there any support you could lean on? Family, friends, or go to baby groups? I love the idea of a mother’s help, maybe have someone who could nanny for you a few hours a day? Maybe a local sham who has kids at school looking for some money in the day?

GreatGateauxsby · 31/12/2023 09:37

Daisies12 · 31/12/2023 09:06

its really not “normal” for a baby to not be put down, it’s some bizarre notion at the moment that you’ll damage them if you don’t hold them constantly- but it’s simply not true. I wonder if you and DH need to work together to have baby do more sleeping in their own, and you get more of a break.

I think there is some weight to this. We were definitely scared we were “damaging the baby” by letting them cry.

my mum was proactive in teaching me how to put the baby down so I wasn’t always doing contact napsz I think the sleep cycle was 20 mins so you let them fall sleep then move them Into a basinette or whatever in the 8-12 min window (or something similar)

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/12/2023 09:47

I went back to work after 4 months when DD was 12 weeks old. DD grew up happy and well rounded.
I did feel like you do now, but 20 years later in regret/resent the situation/pressures that I was put under and wish I had chosen/been able to take a longer maternity leave.
This maybe complicated by the fact that during Covid I end up working longer hours and that I have never been able to work time.

dementedpixie · 31/12/2023 09:49

fixies · 30/12/2023 23:54

Can't your husband get shared parental leave? You should be able to split the smp with him after 4 weeks and within a year of the birth.

No he can't if he's self employed. Also it would have to have been sorted out before maternity leave started.

WithACatLikeTread · 31/12/2023 09:52

You would be better off paying for baby to go to nursery rather than your partner giving up work for a while. I doubt UC will make up the amount you will lose if he does that.

Janedoelondon · 31/12/2023 09:52

@dementedpixie - We are just about to do SPL (due end of Jan). We won't formally sort it until we know the date baby arrives etc as the rules are quite strict on changing dates when they are finalised! I think you can sort whilst on maternity though, provided you give your employer 8 weeks notice to return from maternity and curtail leave and your partner knows what to do from an SPL perspective. It doesn't need to be all final before mat leave starts.

Sugargliderwombat · 31/12/2023 10:04

I had this! I desperately missed work. But the feeling passed after a few weeks and they started engaging a bit more with the world around them. Try to hang in there xxx

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 10:12

What childcare does the older dc do in the holidays? Can they go back to that next week, for the week before they go back to school?

Janedoelondon · 31/12/2023 10:17

dementedpixie · 31/12/2023 10:09

It all looks quite complex. It's no wonder I don't know many people who use shared parental leave/pay

https://maternityaction.org.uk/advice/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/

It really is! Luckily we both have employers who can guide us through what we need to do. If you don't have that, I can only imagine how complex it can get!!!

margegunderson · 31/12/2023 18:34

I had three babies like this, to varying degrees. Mat leave meant I went back to work at 7 months (on v little sleep, and commuting). I think I'd say get a sling and if you can some sort of help for a few hours in the day. Your baby is really young still and going back to work early might just add more stress. Also - have you considered reflux might be a problem? It was not a thing when mine were little but I've seen stuff about it since and wondered if that was part of the issue. Good luck! It will improve!

Original poster
ExtremelyExhaustedHelp · 05/01/2024 14:55

Thank you all for your support and advice. I am really grateful for it. Since the post I have had some good moments too especially as my baby is starting to smile back at us and is actually okay with playing in the playgym for 5-10 mins which just happened overnight but so grateful for it!

We decided to wait it out before I return to work as I don't want to be sleep deprived AND work at the same time. I am taking each day as it comes and in a better place mentally than I was a few days ago. Thank you all for the advice once again x

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