Is this something I should worry about?

[K900]

I recently changed my first name at the age of 29/30. I'm just wondering how do I deal with bumping into past work colleagues or women I dated? I don't know how I'd deal with the awkwardness. I was just uncomfortable going by my first name and chose something I preferred. I'm a man and I live in a small city where I'm bound to bump into people I know. It's making me a bit anxious. Thanks.

Did you post recently as a mother with a young baby who wanted to change his name from Sascha to Alex?

No, as I'm not a mother. Although where can I find that thread as it sounds interesting

I'm getting on with it, it's just a hard thing to do and I appreciate all the advice and views from others

I'm not sure it was a good choice for you as you've clearly caused yourself a lot of anxiety here.

Yeah there is a lot of anxiety after doing this as I know people will think I'm crazy. I know I would think I'm crazy if I was looking from the outside.

It’s actually not crazy at all. You’ve taken control of your life and changed something you didn’t like. Very rational.

The only craziness is the swirling anxiety in your head. Try and see yourself from the outside as I see you, as a rational and sensible person, and shut down the anxiety whenever it pops up.

Once you get used to the situation you should find you stop worrying about it.

I mean you haven't drastically changed your name as such as all three names are diminutives of the same name. Surely it's like someone called Charlotte usually known as Charlie asking to be called Lottie instead? Nobody would blink an eye at it as it's not a big deal.

If you meet people in the street who know you by your old name there is no need to even mention it if you won't be seeing them again.

I've unfortunately felt very bad the last few days about this. Because I only changed it a few weeks ago the anxiety has started to hit me this last few days. I really don't want to be seen as weird or anything. I was just given a tough name growing up and it took me a while to figure out what to go by. What does worry me is explaining myself to future women I date when they figure out I've gone by two or three names in my life. Changing my name at 30 is difficult and I really wish I had known what to go by when I was 20.

A friend of mine changed her name because she simply didn’t like it.
she was 30 years old at the time. We used to accidentally call her by her original name, until we got used to it.
Did we think she was weird? No
Did it cause her anxiety and regret? No.
You don’t after explain to any future gfs about your name change.
Not at first anyway. When you develop a loving relationship she won’t be bothered

What if you feel exactly the same once you’ve changed it again? Will you keep changing it or think about why you feel like this?

op what is your life like generally?

friends? work? social life?

Life isn't great at the moment. I'm living at home at the moment and this isn't where I want to be in my life. Most of my friends have moved away or are beginning to start their own families. I've been self reflecting the last couple years really and my confidence has also been ruined by an awful skin condition I've suffered the past 4 years that had left me with bad scars on my face and body. Because of this I actually had to move home because it was so debilitating. With all this, I still felt like crap aswell with the name thing, as nobody would call me by my middle name and I'm also not really keen on the name. That's why I decided to just legally change it. I have a ton of issues in my life and I'm trying to fix one at a time.

do you work?

Hi @K900, how are doing?

I think my response to you telling you to "get on with it" came across as harsher than I intended, and I apologise.

Especially as you are obviously having a tough time.

I hope you are doing ok.

I think you are having a hard time and fixating on the name, and it's stressing you out.

You need to stop stressing, but you know that, and it's easier said than done.

So I wonder what you can do to help yourself feel more content?

You've mentioned you've got a few issues at the moment, have moved back home, and it isn't where you want to be and other peoples lives are moving on.

Did you also say you are 30? That is very young. This is just a blip. I wonder if you could start by speaking to your GP about how you feel and take it from there?

Good luck, Alex xx

Hi Alex! (Just trying to help you get used to it!)

I wonder if you can imagine a close friend of yours, going through years and years of torment, bullying, abuse, self confidence issues, the full works, because they had ginger hair (for example)?

They confide in you over the years that they'd love to do something to change the colour of their hair, but they fear the ridicule over changing it, almost as much as they fear the continued damage to their self confidence.

You support them, as friends do, with whatever decision they feel will make them happiest. Eventually, your friend decides to dye their hair blond(e).

They live with their lightened hair for a few years, but it doesn't really feel right for them, but again, they fear ridicule if they were to change it again - they wonder if people will think they're "crazy", or why they didn't just dye it that colour to start with.

Of course, you continue to support your friend. You tell them you do not think they're crazy, you think they should do whatever makes them happy. They are the person whose hair it is, so what other people think of it doesn't matter. Yes, they may get a quick comment the first time people see it; "Oh, you've dyed your hair!", but beyond that, it doesn't affect anyone else.

Your friend dyes their hair brown, and despite feeling that this colour is "right" for them, they are still worried about what other people think.

Wouldn't your advice to your friend be something along the lines of "It's your hair, it's a perfectly normal colour, yes people might notice it's changed, but you don't need to worry about it, you look great!"

Honestly Alex, you are giving this far too much headspace, it's all good, you're not crazy and no one is going to think that you are!

This ended up far less weird than I was expecting. I have/have had several Asian and African friends who go by a British ‘version’ of their name while having a legal name that reflects their heritage, it’s very common. Seems to me all you’ve done is the same thing but made your legal name the British version? If so, saying ‘oh I actually go by Alex now’ isn’t going to seem unusual. Some Asian/African people do the reverse where they use the British version as kids/teens as they’re teased by ignorant people for their cultural name but as they grow older they become more comfortable with their original name and stop using the British one. Nobody will mind.

Well done for doing it.

You know it’s not such a big thing, it’s your life and you can be called what you want.

I think the main thing is to accept that bumping into people will happen on occasion, and the majority of people are kind hearted and will understand and not give it much of a second thought.

The issue is more with you at the moment than it will be with anyone else.

Deep breath and be comfortable in your own skin. It’s you that matters.

This is a non-issue. I can promise you, however much of a big deal this is to you, it isn't to anyone else. In the kindest way, no one will care as much about this as you do so don't panic.
I know 3 people that have legally changed their names and my response to being told was "ok cool."
Everyone else's response was pretty similar.

Just enjoy your new name and chill 😂