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Original poster

DH gets jealous when I spend time with DD

54 replies

ch33sestring · 30/12/2023 16:03

Basically as it says in the title - DH gets jealous when I spend time with our daughter. She is an adult, early twenties, but she does have mental health issues so I do tend to overspoil her and as she has been staying with us over Xmas I have been taking her out for coffees a lot, doing puzzles together etc. DH makes snide comments about me spoiling her and choosing her over him, the day before she arrived he complained that I was too excited to see her. They don't have a close relationship so she is a source of resentment for him I think, but hate being stuck in the middle and don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:
Workway · 30/12/2023 17:41

Just because no one has asked yet but is he the father, or the step-father?

Either way it's wrong and weird but I might be willing to entertain a conversation with a step father who has never had his own children and therefore might not understand the dynamic.

If DH is the Dad - that's just really bloody odd.

manoffthelead · 30/12/2023 17:42

He sounds like a dick. Sorry.

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2023 17:44

You're only stuck in the middle if you choose to keep yourself there.

Speedygonzales78 · 30/12/2023 17:46

Jealous of his own daughter!?!

saraclara · 30/12/2023 17:49

What do you mean when you say that you "over-spoil" her?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2023 17:50

So, your daughter has a father who resents her, who is snide when her mother chooses to spend time with her, who sees her as competition for her mother's attention. And it must surely have been this environment (resented by her father) that she grew up in. Don't kid yourself she was unaware of it - she would have been fully aware of her father's animosity, it doesn't sound as if he makes any effort to hide it.

Mental health issues? I wonder why! Maybe growing up on edge, waiting for the next show of pettiness from her father?

I suggest you remove yourself from the middle and firmly - very firmly - move to her side. That you tell your husband that you will ALWAYS choose her over him, and if he can't handle that then he should leave now.

MysweetAudrina · 30/12/2023 17:50

I'm sitting her on the sofa and my 16 year old has her head on lap which I am scratching and rubbing. Dh is the other end of the sofa. I am much closer to her. If he ever said a word about it, I would shut him off.

Begsthequestion · 30/12/2023 17:50

Workway · 30/12/2023 17:41

Just because no one has asked yet but is he the father, or the step-father?

Either way it's wrong and weird but I might be willing to entertain a conversation with a step father who has never had his own children and therefore might not understand the dynamic.

If DH is the Dad - that's just really bloody odd.

OP said "our daughter", so I'd assume he is her father.

Jellybean23 · 30/12/2023 17:56

Are you DH's sole source of company and social life? Does he have interests/hobbies and friends of his own and go out with them without you? If not, big mistake, he needs to get a life and not expect you to be the be all and end all. Then he wouldn't be so jealous. Don't pander to him.

Blueeyedmale · 30/12/2023 18:02

So dh is sulking like a child beacuse you want to spend time with your child.sounds like you got 2 children there but DD is probably a lot more mature.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 30/12/2023 18:04

What an absolute lunatic

ginasevern · 30/12/2023 18:08

Tagyoureit · 30/12/2023 16:14

That's really strange!!

I'd confront it and ask why he feels the need to be such a dick about you spending time with your own child!

I have known quite a few men who get jealous of their own children. Men are programmed to be number 1 in this world. I mean, it can manifest in seriousness from throwing a bit of a huff now and then (because little Evie wants mummy's attention and so does he) to actually causing screaming arguments but the emotion is more common than people think.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 30/12/2023 18:10

Maybe your man-child should go to his mommy to get his attention. Can’t believe my eyes, a full grown man is jéalous because his kid gets the attention. Wow.

You’re not in the middle, this shouldn’t even be an issue. He’s making it, not you.

Ponderingwindow · 30/12/2023 18:15

He built his relationship with his daughter over many years and is now feeling the consequences.

please insist on carving out time to spend with your daughter. Visit with her outside of your home if necessary. Don’t let him tarnish the relationship you have and rob you of time visiting.

be prepared for him to need your attention with something for the house right when you settle into a project together or sit down for some tea. After she leaves, don’t be surprised if he starts interrupting your phone calls with oh so important issues that just can’t wait or even pretending not to realize you were on the phone. Whatever you do, don’t give him access to your texts or emails because he may even start replying to messages from her through your account so she realizes that she can’t actually reach you privately or even know who she is conversing with.

I dearly wish I had gotten more time with my mother, but my father was very effective at isolating her and interfering with my visits.

babasaclover · 30/12/2023 18:25

I am an adult 40 something daughter and couldn't be closer to my mum. My husband only encourages it. Today we all went to ikea together.

How would anyone have a problem with a relationship between her mother and her daughter it's not like she is a threat to the marriage

ACCx · 30/12/2023 18:28

As the others have said really. Very strange of him to act this way

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 18:42

Wow what a vile, controlling man he is.

I would have ended this relationship the first time he ever brought this up and never looked back.

Let me guess…he also has a problem with you having friends too?

LonelynSad · 30/12/2023 18:44

They don't have a close relationship so she is a source of resentment for him I think

And this could well be the root cause of your DD's MH issues

beatrix1234 · 30/12/2023 18:44

I can see why your DD has mental health issues…

beatrix1234 · 30/12/2023 18:46

ginasevern · 30/12/2023 18:08

I have known quite a few men who get jealous of their own children. Men are programmed to be number 1 in this world. I mean, it can manifest in seriousness from throwing a bit of a huff now and then (because little Evie wants mummy's attention and so does he) to actually causing screaming arguments but the emotion is more common than people think.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s called narcissism, these men loose their marbles when they’re not the center of attention and become emotional toddlers. Aka: a man child.

Busbygirl · 30/12/2023 18:47

My stbxh is like this. Part of the reason we’re getting divorced. He’s a man-child, who has caused so many problems.

MsAnnFrope · 30/12/2023 18:52

My mum was like this about my relationship with my dad. From when I was a child she was jealous of our close relationship- we just liked the same stuff and got on really well.
He died nearly 20 years ago and my mum told me she thought I wished she died instead. I can’t forgive her for her behaviour although we do have a relationship now.
parents who can feel like this about their children have something seriously wrong with them.
DH and I both love to see the bond the other has with DD. Neither are threatened or jealous.

Ivyiris · 30/12/2023 18:55

That's a huge red flag for me. I would be out of there. Would 100% choose my children over husband.

StaunchMomma · 30/12/2023 18:59

That's a really strange stance for a Dad to take, OP.

I simply cannot imagine DH being like that at all. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say they have that issue, either.

I do feel for your DD. That can't feel nice, bless her.

Tagyoureit · 30/12/2023 21:01

I've honestly never come across this!
Met lots of dickheads, dated a few but have never come across this first hand or even second hand by a friend confiding or whatever!!