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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Last minute cleaning for guest - how would your family respond?

40 replies

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:18

Our family is normally tidy (well we’re messy people but clean often) but last night we hosted a dinner for my mum’s birthday which has meant the house is a state.

This morning sister says her boyfriend is coming over for lunch - cycling over. So she asked me to help her tidy. Sure, no problem. I HATE people in my space if it is a mess (parents were bad with cleaning when my siblings and I were young - very embarrassing ).

The bf decides it’s too miserable to cycle so asks sister to pick him up. Meaning tidying has fallen on my mum and I. I asked my brother to help but got called hysterical. Tbh he stayed up until 2 am getting the dishes done. But equally I could’ve cooked the meal he made with his gf and not trashed the kitchen. I asked him to come help and he kept citing doing the dishes from last night. Not fair as the rule in this house is that the kitchen has to be entirely done before everyone goes up. So he hasn’t done anything spectacular iykwim

Anyway, I’m in my room crying as it seems like this type of work always falls on me. Mum is clueless she’s decided now is the time to take tree down. Dad is disabled. We’re Mediterranean so it’s always a woman’s job more than a man’s. Over it. Fine back in the day if a man went out and provided then women would look after the home. Well I do both. Not fair!

I live it at home (saving up for deposit in London). Siblings are visiting.

No one does/did this for me when my bf came over.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 12:19

Why do it? Put your shoes on and go for a walk.

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:20

I put far too much emphasis on what people think about me/family. I wish I could not care.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 12:21

Well nows the time to give it a go. Not your house. Not your guest. You've asked for help.

Leave the house.

DarkForces · 30/12/2023 12:21

Exactly as the first response. Just head out the door and ask your mum if she wants to join you.

WhateverMate · 30/12/2023 12:22

At the point you felt annoyed with it, you should've just gone out 🤷‍♂️

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2023 12:22

Fucking hell, op, stop this madness already. If your sister wants the house to be spotless, she can clean it. Grab your stuff and head out for the day or stay in your room. You are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

Avacardo2023 · 30/12/2023 12:23

Why is it your problem? It's your sister's BF so if she was that worried about having a tidy place for him she should have got up earlier and done it. Let him take you as he finds you.

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:25

I grew up around hoarder levels of mess. People in my space when it’s not tidy is a massive deal to me. I always usually keep the house very tidy for this exact reason/scenario

OP posts:
Fluffypuppy1 · 30/12/2023 12:25

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2023 12:22

Fucking hell, op, stop this madness already. If your sister wants the house to be spotless, she can clean it. Grab your stuff and head out for the day or stay in your room. You are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

This.

Your sister has invited her boyfriend over. Either she postpones, or she cleans and picks him up after.

Not your boyfriend, mess, or house so not your problem.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 12:25

The man presumably wears lycra.. Surely he can cope with a bit of mess?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 30/12/2023 12:25

Todays a good day to go and look round the sales, go now and have fun, leave the mess like everyone else has.

MinervatheGreat · 30/12/2023 12:30

It is not your issue!

It all sounds very retentive so maybe the coming year is a good time to get over this hurdle of tidyness before folks come over with, given the hoarding background, a bit of therapy.

When you have your own place, be wary of alienating folks or boyfriends with your need for tidiness. Relaaaaax. Folks come to see your family, not judge how tidy things are.

SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 12:33

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:25

I grew up around hoarder levels of mess. People in my space when it’s not tidy is a massive deal to me. I always usually keep the house very tidy for this exact reason/scenario

your space is your room. I presume no one is going in there.

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:48

@MinervatheGreat what do you mean by retentive in this context? :)

OP posts:
Saymyname28 · 30/12/2023 12:51

Not your problem. Helping your sister is one thing but she should have tidied before she left. So long as your stuff is tidied away the rest is notmyour responsibility.

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:55

Can anyone appreciate (as someone described often as Monica from friends) it’s not so easy for me to “walk away”. I know I’m like this as a direct response to my parents’ disgustingness growing up. Couldn’t have friends over.

OP posts:
Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:56

I’m curious if this scenario happened in your house how would it be handled?

OP posts:
margotrose · 30/12/2023 12:57

It might not be easy, but nothing will change unless you make it happen.

margotrose · 30/12/2023 12:57

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:56

I’m curious if this scenario happened in your house how would it be handled?

If DH wanted to have someone over and felt it necessary to tidy up, he'd be doing so by himself.

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2023 13:01

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:56

I’m curious if this scenario happened in your house how would it be handled?

If it happened in my house they'd be told it's all hands on deck and if anyone complained I'd tell them that if they think they can dump it all on me they can think again. And I'd go do some cross stitch or something and not give a shit what the house looked like or who was embarrassed.

What do the kids call it? Fuck around and find out?

ianshe · 30/12/2023 13:02

As an aside I think of your brother did the cooking AND all the dishes for the Big Meal yesterday it's quite fair that he wants to sit out this (probably unnecessary, to him) last min clean for the benefit of his sisters boyfriend.

HappiestSleeping · 30/12/2023 13:03

As a complete aside, there is a word for frantic tidying / cleaning before visitors arrive. Scurryfunge.

I think any scurryfunging should be the responsibility of whoever is having the visitor in your situation OP.

SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 13:03

Akeevah · 30/12/2023 12:56

I’m curious if this scenario happened in your house how would it be handled?

When I lived at home I wouldn't even know or care if my sister had her boyfriend over, it's a none event. And if she did have guests over and needed a "host" that's on her and my parents. I'd do a cursory "hello" at the door then either go out or go to my room.

EauNeu · 30/12/2023 13:05

The boyfriend will have to take you as he finds you. If it bothers your sis and get bf they can sort it. As long as your personal stuff is not the mess.. And sounds like the kitchen is done. I wouldn't be busting a gut for someone else's guest

Squidlette · 30/12/2023 13:11

Do a DH:
Mill about a bit, then spend 2 hours cleaning one room, which then looks no different to when you started.

He's currently ill in bed, so I have done his kitchen for him. I've cleaned the bits he apparently has never noticed. I've rearranged it and everything. He's going to be so pleased when he finally emerges and looks in awe and winner at my deeds.

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