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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH not prioritising me after hospital discharge?

31 replies

shhhhoctopie · 29/12/2023 22:27

Will try to keep this brief and non-specific as don't want it to be outing.

I have a planned admission to hospital coming up which will involve getting a feeding tube fitted. I will be in for a few weeks then discharged with the tube in place and I will be doing my own tube feeding from then on. We have no kids but we do have a very excitable puppy which will make tube feeding challenging.

My DH has arranged a medical appointment at a location over 100 miles away (there is a clinic in our local city but apparently the further away one was able to give him a sooner appointment). He knew I was going into hospital when he arranged it but we didn't have an exact date - we did know it would be after Christmas and before the end of January though. His appointment is first thing in the morning so he has to travel down the night before because he doesn't want to be tired for his appointment. It now turns out that I will have a day or so at home before he leaves.

Maybe I'm just too considerate or put other people before myself but I would never consider leaving my DH so soon after coming out of hospital, even more so if he had to deal with something ongoing like tube feeding. I'd feel bad going away even a week after let alone a few days.

AIBU to think that he should prioritise his partner aka me? He could get seen by a clinic locally but apparently he doesn't want to?

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 29/12/2023 22:30

I think it partly depends upon the nature/urgency of what he's having an appointment for. Removing a malignant melanoma? YABU. Acne treatment? YANBU. Everything in between, somewhere in between.

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2023 22:35

Board the puppy if there's a danger of your feeding tube being. As said it depends on what the appointment is for.

idontlikealdi · 29/12/2023 22:37

Depends on the procedures tbh.

Wooloohooloo · 29/12/2023 22:38

What's the medical appointment for?

Toddlerteaplease · 29/12/2023 22:43

Not sure what the issue is with a dog and tube feeding?

Soggydog · 29/12/2023 22:44

I totally understand your anxiety but they are keeping you in for a few days to teach you to manage your feeding tube. The puppy shouldn't be an issue as you can shut it in a crate or another room whilst you do the feed and need to keep all the equipment away from it so it is sterile. I know it is disappointing he is going but presumably he is anxious about his medical condition too or really hasnt thought it through as men can just compartmentalise. Can a friend or relative stay with you whilst he is away? And somebody walk the puppy for you if you don't feel to it?

Original poster

shhhhoctopie · 29/12/2023 22:47

nocoolnamesleft · 29/12/2023 22:30

I think it partly depends upon the nature/urgency of what he's having an appointment for. Removing a malignant melanoma? YABU. Acne treatment? YANBU. Everything in between, somewhere in between.

I don't want to say what it is but definitely closer to the acne treatment end!

OP posts:

MoreHairyThanScary · 29/12/2023 22:54

I know you are worried and stressed by
It tube feeding and the dog shouldn't rally be an issue, my dd has been tube fed at night for the past 7 years, the dog is an irrelevance.

Not quite sure what your worries are but maybe mn can help?

MummyJ36 · 29/12/2023 22:58

Put the puppy in kennels for a couple of days . Not ideal but probably necessary for this particular situ

VanityDiesHard · 29/12/2023 23:08

YABU, although understandably so. He obviously wants to be seen quickly, which I don't blame him for. And 'after a few days' isn't all that bad, surely. I get that you are stressed and I wish you a swift recovery, but I really think that you're overthinking this.

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 23:15

I think YABU too, but also understand your concern.

If he need to see someone about something medical, it makes sense for him to be seen asap.
At the time of booking, you didn't know your dates, so he couldn't have worked round them anyway.
If you are worried, then ask a friend or family member to come and stay over with you.

Muchof · 29/12/2023 23:20

I am struggling to understand the issue to be honest. He is travelling for a medical appointment and didn’t know when yours was. Don’t let the puppy near your feeding tube, I am not sure why that is hard and I have had puppies. But put it in kennels if it is going to be an issue.

Bearpawk · 29/12/2023 23:28

They won't discharge you until you're feeding yourself ok. You'll be fine.

Codlingmoths · 29/12/2023 23:34

It would be ok to say to him you need to arrange boarding the puppy if you are going away for the night.

Babyroobs · 29/12/2023 23:44

Toddlerteaplease · 29/12/2023 22:43

Not sure what the issue is with a dog and tube feeding?

Surely it could just be shut out of the room when the tube feeding is taking place and as long as the feeding tube is well taped down in between then there shouldn't be a problem of it being pulled. If it is a feed hooked up to a machine that could be more problematic. Some people do find they get a lot of pain after insertion of these tubes though around the insertion site so I guess you won't be able to bend/ chase after a puppy.

LittleOwl153 · 29/12/2023 23:53

I'd arrange to board the puppy for the time he is away, you cannot be certain you'll be home let alone capable of dealing with it.

As for him leaving you to it - I'd probably feel nervous of this too particualry if you expect your op to leave you in pain. Is there someone else who can come and stay with you? Will the hospital discharge you if they know you are going to be alone? It does seem a bit thoughtless of him tbh.

SleepingBeautySnores · 29/12/2023 23:53

If your DH's treatment isn't for something serious that can't wait, can't he simply reschedule at the place he prefers? It does sound like you might be overthinking things a little OP, but that's natural when you're having a medical treatment that you've not had before. However, a little sympathy and understanding on your DH's part wouldn't go amiss. Tell him how you feel, DON'T expect him to read your mind, and ask him if he'd be prepared to reschedule.

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 23:54

I guess it depends on your underlying health issue. Tube feeding in and of itself is pretty straightforward (puppies notwithstanding).

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/12/2023 23:58

Yanbu to want him there to care for and support you. It is more difficult to say without knowing what he's going for - has he waited a long time for it, is it massively impacting him etc. I however could not imagine myself going away overnight if my DH was just out of hospital.

Tacotortoise · 30/12/2023 00:05

Toddlerteaplease · 29/12/2023 22:43

Not sure what the issue is with a dog and tube feeding?

Giving sets come in different lengths and with the longer ones there is plenty of tube left over when you are hooked up (and unless the OP is wanting to lose weight she'll be hooked up plenty). I can quite see that an excitable puppy in the mix may be difficult, esp if it likes tug of war.

Tacotortoise · 30/12/2023 00:07

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 23:54

I guess it depends on your underlying health issue. Tube feeding in and of itself is pretty straightforward (puppies notwithstanding).

This was supposed to be reassuring rather than dismissive btw. Ds and I have both got crohns disease and have tube fed at various times.

fliptopbin · 30/12/2023 00:22

I am halfway - I would never do that to my partner as he is rarely ill, so even a minor procedure is a big thing. However, I have lots of complex health issues including multiple hospital stays, and I would not even expect a lift home from hospital. I think if things are complex and ongoing, you have to become ultra independent, and learn never to expect anything from anybody.
This has the added benefit that you don't have to worry about draining people by being too dependant.

TerrysChocolateOrange · 30/12/2023 00:31

Where is your tube being fitted…NG or straight into the stomach ?

Is the feeding tube permanent ?

Either way by the time you leave hospital you will be a pro at it.

I tube fed myself for six months three times a day, I wasn’t kept in hospital to master it, and this was private….DH and I just muddled through for a few days and then I took over.

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 00:36

Pre kids this wouldn't have cost me a thought, I'd probably have arranged a dog walker for when he'd be away as I wouldn't want to do dog walking when getting to grips with something new, I'd want a relax.

Since kids? He'd have to step up as I wouldn't be able to care for a kid after a serious hospital admission (well I've had 2 c sections so I'd be ABLE to as I have in the past but I wouldn't want to and I'd think it was shit to leave me to do so.

Josette77 · 30/12/2023 01:43

I think you are understandably nervous but yes yabu.

You'll do fine with a feeding tube.
After a day or two you will barely notice it.

Put the puppy in a daycare, but you will be fine with them home too.

As someone said above, just lock yourself in your room when you plug it in if you're nervous.

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