Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated that PIL use first name middle name?

68 replies

Ninju · 29/12/2023 22:07

Minor in the grand scheme, I know, but genuinely not sure if I'm overthinking it.
DS has my last name, not DPs. DP doesn't like his last name and will probably change to mine/DS when we get married.
Say his name is George James Smith (obviously it's not actually) PIL call him George James. Not all the time, but increasingly often, and they put George James frequently in cards etc.
Now I'm a bit put out as they've got him a lovely gift but personalised it with 'George James'.
I think it looks like it is a double first name, or that his surname is James, and to me it feels a bit like they are desperate to not use my surname. I wasn't expecting his full name on any cards or gifts, but why not just use his first name and just put George on things!? DP and I have never once called him George James. It's put me off the gift a bit as it just feels a bit deliberate and I get irritated when I look at it. If I'd wanted him to have a double first name I'd have named him that way, and the more they use it, the less I like the sound of it!

Do I need to get over it?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 30/12/2023 00:56

It's a big leap to think it's a passive aggressive comment on him having your surname. Far more likely they just like the sound of both names together. My Grandma used to use my full name sometimes, no-one else did. It's just an affectionate Grandparent thing. If you don't like it ask them to stop. It's really that simple.

Potaytocrisps · 30/12/2023 00:56

I hadn’t thought of it before now but also Irish and still get called both names sometimes as an adult, not just by parents but also by my siblings when we’re joking around or to convey shock! ‘Lisa Jane are you serious?!’

Some of my in-laws are funny about DC having my surname or ‘forget’ but I just ignore them, their surname is on their birth certificate and passport which is good enough for me.

newcusions · 30/12/2023 01:22

Why did you give him a middle name then?

trussedchicken · 30/12/2023 01:24

My in-laws did this with my son in the beginning. It was nothing to do with the surname thing, as I took my dh surname. They just seemed to like addressing their fist born grandchild by his first and middle name. To us and everyone else, he was Jacob. But whenever MIL spoke to him, he was Jacob William. It was infuriating, because all MIL friends assumed it was a double barrelled name of Jacob-William because that's what she always called him. Which was just weird and annoying. We mainly let it go, just made the very occasional comment that actually, it's just Jacob. But the final straw was when he started pre-school. She very kindly bought him a back pack for his first day. But it was personalised with 'Jacob William' in big letters. Which was weird, because his name is Jacob and I didn't want the teachers/kids/other parents thinking his name was a double barrelled Jacob-William. So DH had a proper conversation with her about it and kindly explained that he won't be using the bag and why. She was quite miffed, but gradually started calling him by his actual name. It still took about ten years though, before she would just write 'Jacob' in his birthday and Christmas cards, not 'Jacob-William'. I found the whole thing very strange and unnecessarily awkward. So no, don't just get over it. Kindly correct them as many times as it needs until they start using his proper name.

randomstress · 30/12/2023 01:40

I don't understand why parents give their dc a middle name and then complain when people use it.
If you want a one name child don't give them a middle name.
That said my dc usually only get their full names if they have done something out of order or very good.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/12/2023 01:53

YABU

We regularly call our children by both their first & middle names, and they are not hyphenated.

I'm Northern Irish.

I don't understand why it bothers you, I would have thought you liked the names you chose for your son?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 30/12/2023 02:50

YABU, not to mention ridiculous. It's actually quite common for people to do this and I can't see what on earth it has to do with your surname.

Is there a full moon or something - the threads on MN at the moment seem to be even weirder than usual!

MrsRuldolph · 30/12/2023 03:04

I agree with the pp about knowing you were in trouble when you got your full "Sunday" name used! "ZARA MARIE O'NEILL! GET IN THIS KITCHEN NOW"

Although it would be also used as a tern of endearment "Zara Marie O'NEILL! I am so proud of you!"

(Names have been changed to protect the not so innocent)

Littlegoth · 30/12/2023 03:39

My Irish side of the family do this but so do those aged over 60 on our Lancashire side

stardust40 · 30/12/2023 04:13

My grandad always used my first and middle name. It's one of the things I remember fondly about him from being a child. I love both my daughter's middle names so occasionally use their first and middle names. DH used to use their middle names as well when making up songs with their names in as babies/toddlers. If you don't like middle names being used then don't give them to the child?

Ponoka7 · 30/12/2023 04:24

Ninju · 29/12/2023 22:23

Irish heritage so maybe that's it!!

It wasn't a usual thing for me- I don't think most of my family know my middle name- so does seem unusual but actually good to know that some people do this.

It's nicer to think of PIL as being affectionately traditional rather than seething about the name issue...

Show quote history

I was going to ask if they were Irish. My DH was and they did that. The middle names given would often be versions of family middle name, Anthonia if the fathers was Anthony etc. It's still done in some Irish set dramas because it's traditional.

Ponoka7 · 30/12/2023 04:32

I've just remembered having not long watched gone with the wind, Mr O'Hara does it. He's the only one to call her Katie Scarlett.

LuckiestMumonthePlanet · 30/12/2023 07:48

DD used to do this occasionally when I was a kid, and it was meant affectionately. Obviously it was nothing to do with our (shared) surname. But if they do it every single time, and it is bothering you, then I’d find a way to diplomatically tell them.

Seliak · 30/12/2023 10:55

Also an Irish family. My dad often called me by both names. This thread has made me miss him. It's a nice problem to have.

Thelineofbeauty · 30/12/2023 11:07

Get over it. Let people love your children and love them in a way that is different from you. Ignore idiots winding you up to find offence or slight.

Using a first name middle name won’t harm your son, but any rift with his grandparents who love him (and think about him enough to buy him personalised gifts) will be harmful to you all.

Datgal · 30/12/2023 11:16

I really don't understand why you think they'd use his first and middle names if they were seething about him having your surname? I can't see the connection. Surely they'd be saying 'George dps surname ' if they were being funny about it.

Lovingitallnow · 30/12/2023 11:30

I didn't realise this was an Irish thing, although we do it in my family 🙈 I learn more about myself on mumsnet.

melj1213 · 30/12/2023 11:31

YABU - why do people give their children middle names if they don't want people to ever use them?

My mum's family is Irish so I grew up being double named as standard - "Maggie May, come here please" and if you were in trouble then you got full Sunday named- "Maggie May Jones, come here now!". You weren't double named 100% of the time but definitely more often than not.

OP is it also a bit of a case that his middle name could also be a traditional surname so it's not obvious that when they say "George James" they are his first/middle name as opposed to his first/surname? So it feels to you that they're trying to 'erase' your surname even if that isn't their intention? Eg if it was George Jamie instead of George James; the former sounds like two first names but the latter sounds like a full first/surname.

Mazuslongtoenail · 30/12/2023 11:34

My children have beautiful middle names and I’m a bit sad that they never really get mentioned or used, bar the doctors ‘first name middle name go to room 2’.

Occasional2023 · 30/12/2023 11:38

Echoing others, why bother giving your child a middle name if you don't want it to be used even by close family. I get the feeling the OP is looking to find offence when none is intended.

WomanFromTheNorth · 30/12/2023 11:39

It's affectionate and lots of people do it.

TomeTome · 30/12/2023 11:40

In my family this shows love. It wears off as the child grows and once you’re about five using both names is a warning that your behaviour has been noted by an authority figure and you had better stop. I do it with mine too! The family children I don’t double name aren’t close.

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 11:45

From replies sounds like it is a common practice in some cultures or families. Or it could be them
making a point. Either way I’d let it go.

my own parents have me a pen with a double barrelled surname on it. However I just have my maiden name and they know this. I said thanks then put it to one side never to be used.

DinoDays · 30/12/2023 11:47

I'm Scottish and was always called "Sarah Jane" by my relatives when I was younger.

In fact when I went to secondary school I asked to be called Sarah-Jane for a while as I liked it better than plain Sarah.

Now in my 50's everyone including relatives just call me "Sarah".

Actually I'd forgotten about it until this thread.

CormorantStrikesBack · 30/12/2023 11:50

My parents always called me Gwendolin Helen as a kid. (Not the actual names)