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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel numb about my mother dying

38 replies

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 20:38

This might be a long one so my apologies.
Bit of backstory. I'm now 31 and haven't spoke to my mother properly for almost 10 years. I'm one of 6 and hav older and younger siblings. My mum has a long history of alcohol abuse and neglectful behavior. She is just not a very nice person. Growing up my parents separated because of mums drinking. My dad left when I was 10. I had a younger brother who was 2 at h time and a younger sister who was 7. 3 older siblings who had ready left home and cut my mum off. My dad really tried everything to get to us but my mum made it impossible. She never neglected the younger ones so much as she did me and my older siblings. She would go out every night and leave me alone to t nd to my younger siblings. We never had any money or food, I used to feed my siblings beans out of a tin and I used to steal stuff from neighbours, shops just to make sure we could have something to eat. My mum always had beer and cigs though. She would come home and lay into me about how she hates me the most because I was fat and horrible like my dad. She would force feed me to eat more own bodily fluids. She would beat me, humiliate me. Lock me outside. The list goes on but the negkect and abuse continues for many years until I was 16 and left home and found my dad who took me in and raised me from then and we are so close now. (there is a lot more backstory but id be here all day). My younge brother died in 2012. He had very bad asthma and allergies and my mum had gone to the pub in the next village with her bf and little sister and she hadn't taken his inhaler. He had an asthma attack and died at th side of the road. Me and my older siblings blame her for it and we've made no secret of the fact. She of course is in complete denial for many years of all the things shes done and said etc. Anyway. I've heard from a family friend that my mum is dying and she has cancer and liver failure and kidney failure. I did have a random message some months ago on Facebook from my mum saying she was unwell but I ignored it and blocked her (she's been known to make up lies to get attention). I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about I myself should I be feeling something, I don't fe l sadness that she is dying. I'm not upset. I can comfortably say I am completely unbothered and I suppose this scares me. I know I haven't provided some real in depth info but am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? To make it clear what a horrible person she was to her children.. six children, one dead , and none of her kids speak to her. We've all had weddings she wasn't invited to, we've all got children she has never met and never will. I don't know.. I'm feeling guilty for not feeling anything if that makes sense. I've had very bad anxiety and OCD and countless MH problems, so maybe these are clouding my judgement. I've spoke to my older sisters and their response is "good, hope she's got some to pay for her funeral because we're not". Sorry I'm just rambling. Anyone else had a similar situation with a parent? As I say. I've not spoke to her for a very long time and made the decision to cut her off when I realized sh could never change.

OP posts:

NalafromtheLionKing · 29/12/2023 20:41

YABU to be unbothered, you should be throwing a party 🎉

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 20:42

NalafromtheLionKing · 29/12/2023 20:41

YABU to be unbothered, you should be throwing a party 🎉

Little bit of me feels like this but then I feel guilty and think "oh god is that a horrible thing to feel"

OP posts:

FluffyChemical · 29/12/2023 20:49

I also have no contact with my biological parents due to childhood neglect and abuse although as far as I am aware they are alive, I'm not sure I would care if I found out otherwise. I think what people don't realise when you estrange yourself from a parent is that you already go through a long grieving process, the loss of the relationship you wanted, the love you craved, the efforts you put in that weren't returned. I think by the time they become unwell or end of life you're unemotional/numb because you have already grieved their loss, there isn't anything else to feel about it.

So in answer to your question I think it's entirely reasonable.

Airworld · 29/12/2023 20:54

No one can tell you how to feel and no one with any sense would judge you for how you feel. Your DM failed you all on every level as a parent and as a human being and doesn’t reserve your sympathy or grief, unless you choose to feel those.

I am NC with my own DM and she has written to tell me she is terminally ill. I have gone through so many emotions, from omg I must get on the next plane to see her, to, actually why would I do that? I have so many reasons why we are NC in the first place and I no longer feel the need to see her to make my peace. I’m not religious but I sometimes think/hope that she is judged up above once she leaves this life.

NalafromtheLionKing · 29/12/2023 20:57

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 20:42

Little bit of me feels like this but then I feel guilty and think "oh god is that a horrible thing to feel"

Show quote history

No, it’s a very natural and human reaction. From what you say, she was a terrible mother (and really not a nice person) and her being dead doesn’t change that.

Airworld · 29/12/2023 20:57

@FluffyChemical yes that sums it up about having already gone through the grieving process once you estrange yourself. I don’t really feel anything anymore. People don’t always get it though and think you should always forgive your parents no matter what, so I have simply not told anyone that my DM is dying except for DH and two friends to avoid being judged.

newcusions · 29/12/2023 20:58

I'm so sorry you endured that. I hope you can find some closure within when she's gone.

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:00

My DH says "she's still your mum" and I'm just like she lost that title many years ago.

OP posts:

LittleMissSunshiner · 29/12/2023 21:05

When my abusive parent died, I felt relieved, I think all of us siblings did. And then we very quickly realised hey I'm not paying for the funeral. Turns out it was all covered and we even got to share out some extra money (not much) that was left over, who knew! We did all attend the funeral and I think everyone felt pretty flat but not sad, nobody shed any tears.

I think when an abusive parent passes, it's a relief they can't do any more harm and aren't going to bother you again in the future. Also, if you're in any way spiritual, it's good to know their tormented time in this version of life in flesh and blood on this earthly realm has passed now and they're moved on to the spirit world, they're free, may they rest in peace. They must have been sad and troubled people and for that we should all feel sorry that this is what their life came to.

May you have peace now. You don't have to feel anything except what you truly feel and if it's 'not much' or 'numb' then that's how it is for now. It may change in the future or it may not. I keep thinking I 'ought' to have some sort of delayed grief or onset of something but it never happened. It's over. You're free too.

SarahC50 · 29/12/2023 21:06

Poor you what a vile woman she sounds. I think her dying will unsettle you and you might be triggered and have lots of horrible memories of her abuse of you. But you might not. You might just feel blessed relief that she is no longer on the planet. Whatever you feel is ok. Be gentle with yourself and extra self care. Much love xx

FluffyChemical · 29/12/2023 21:07

Airworld · 29/12/2023 20:57

When people don't get it I wonder if they think it is really easy to just cut a parent out your life. They don't realise it's actually like losing a limb. But sometimes they are so toxic/abusive/neglectful you have to or risk them dragging you down with them.

SarahC50 · 29/12/2023 21:08

Ps that woman does not deserve the title of "mum" in anyway,shape or form. She was no "mum" to you she was an abusive nightmare

FluffyChemical · 29/12/2023 21:11

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:00

My DH says "she's still your mum" and I'm just like she lost that title many years ago.

You don't owe her anything. She has failed you on every possible level. We wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour from anyone else in our lives, it's madness when others suggest we should because of a biological/blood connection.

QueenOfMOHO · 29/12/2023 21:14

Do you work OP? My employer has access to wellbeing support for all employees, this includes counselling services. Would something like this help?
YANBU to feel nothing for someone who has neglected you so badly.

Smleps · 29/12/2023 21:15

NalafromtheLionKing · 29/12/2023 20:41

YABU to be unbothered, you should be throwing a party 🎉

This! She doesn’t deserve your pity.

henrysugar12 · 29/12/2023 21:17

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:00

My DH says "she's still your mum" and I'm just like she lost that title many years ago.

If people say this, then they don't realise the extent of the abuse and damage that was done to you.

She gave birth to you, but she wasn't really a mum to you was she?
Do not feel bad about feeling the way you do. You have completely valid reasons not to be upset about her dying.

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:17

The funny thing is I don't give her a thought from day to day to be honest. Only if my DH asks which isn't often or if I'm talking to my sisters. We tend to talk about it ALOT when we do speak. We've all got various issues. My eldest sister is in recovery from Severe anxiety and depression. My other sister is a recovering drug addict. I have debilitating health anxiety and OCD and hav had several mental breakdowns over the years. We've all spent year in therapy mostly to no avail and I think we all know deep down that she is responsible for all of it. Its just hard because there is this little niggle right at the back of my mind that feels sorry for her that she will be all alone and she will die alone with no one there to hold her hand and she will die knowing that no one loved or cared about her and it's this that is playing on my mind.

OP posts:

henrysugar12 · 29/12/2023 21:20

Does she deserve to have people crying by her bedside? No. She created the situation she is in.

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:20

QueenOfMOHO · 29/12/2023 21:14

Not at the moment. Professionally I'm actually a HCA but I have up my job about four weeks ago. Various reasons and I'm now stay at home and loof after my toddler while DH works full time. He seems to think he has this with his work though and it can be extended to family/,spouse so perhaps its something we can look into. Ive had lots of therapy and counseling and whilst it helps for me to understand my childhood it doesn't do much to alleviate my anxiety.

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 29/12/2023 21:21

Out of interest, would you expect and accept an inheritance from your mother when she dies?

SomethingBlues · 29/12/2023 21:22

She sounds like she’s lucky you’ve not called the police on her after that treatment in your childhood OP. I’m really sorry she put you through that.

She might be your mother, but she isn’t entitled to your energy - positive or negative.

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:23

OldTinHat · 29/12/2023 21:21

Out of interest, would you expect and accept an inheritance from your mother when she dies?

My mother has nothing. She never has. Shes al ays been in debt yo to her eyeballs. Never worked, as far as I am aware she is on benefits. She's not of pension age so she won't even be getting a pension. The last I heard she was in homeless assisted accomodations but even if she did have any assets or whatever I wouldnt be bothered. Id rather it go to A charity or something. But as I say I'm sure she will die without a penny to her name.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForevermoreAnxious · 29/12/2023 21:25

SomethingBlues · 29/12/2023 21:22

She sounds like she’s lucky you’ve not called the police on her after that treatment in your childhood OP. I’m really sorry she put you through that.

She might be your mother, but she isn’t entitled to your energy - positive or negative.

I have often thought about it but then I think it was so long ago what would they even do? I'm sure she is suffering enough having absolutely no one and nothing. However we im pretty sure she will be thinking it's not because of her own actions.

OP posts:

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 21:25

I agree that you have already grieved, and it's not like you have to suffer from the hurt of missing her. Xx 🌺

vidflex · 29/12/2023 21:26

Hi op. My own "mom" was a drug addict then an alcoholic. I bought my younger siblings up. The abuse was awful. I've had so many years of therapy but it's all left me quite damaged.

She died when I was in my 20's. I even sat with her while she took her last breath. But I felt nothing. At her funeral I went through the motions but I just felt angry. Angry at everyone banging on about how great she was. I wanted to scream "this monster pimped me out for drugs". I held it all in.

I did feel guilty at times. My now dh told me I had no reason to feel guilt, she was never a mother to me, it was ok for me to feel relieved that she was gone.

Your mother doesn't deserve to still be causing you pain.

I actually decided to grieve the childhood I should have had instead of grieving for her.

Be kind to yourself op. Put yourself and your feelings first xx

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