To feel numb about my mother dying

[ForevermoreAnxious]

This might be a long one so my apologies.
Bit of backstory. I'm now 31 and haven't spoke to my mother properly for almost 10 years. I'm one of 6 and hav older and younger siblings. My mum has a long history of alcohol abuse and neglectful behavior. She is just not a very nice person. Growing up my parents separated because of mums drinking. My dad left when I was 10. I had a younger brother who was 2 at h time and a younger sister who was 7. 3 older siblings who had ready left home and cut my mum off. My dad really tried everything to get to us but my mum made it impossible. She never neglected the younger ones so much as she did me and my older siblings. She would go out every night and leave me alone to t nd to my younger siblings. We never had any money or food, I used to feed my siblings beans out of a tin and I used to steal stuff from neighbours, shops just to make sure we could have something to eat. My mum always had beer and cigs though. She would come home and lay into me about how she hates me the most because I was fat and horrible like my dad. She would force feed me to eat more own bodily fluids. She would beat me, humiliate me. Lock me outside. The list goes on but the negkect and abuse continues for many years until I was 16 and left home and found my dad who took me in and raised me from then and we are so close now. (there is a lot more backstory but id be here all day). My younge brother died in 2012. He had very bad asthma and allergies and my mum had gone to the pub in the next village with her bf and little sister and she hadn't taken his inhaler. He had an asthma attack and died at th side of the road. Me and my older siblings blame her for it and we've made no secret of the fact. She of course is in complete denial for many years of all the things shes done and said etc. Anyway. I've heard from a family friend that my mum is dying and she has cancer and liver failure and kidney failure. I did have a random message some months ago on Facebook from my mum saying she was unwell but I ignored it and blocked her (she's been known to make up lies to get attention). I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about I myself should I be feeling something, I don't fe l sadness that she is dying. I'm not upset. I can comfortably say I am completely unbothered and I suppose this scares me. I know I haven't provided some real in depth info but am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? To make it clear what a horrible person she was to her children.. six children, one dead , and none of her kids speak to her. We've all had weddings she wasn't invited to, we've all got children she has never met and never will. I don't know.. I'm feeling guilty for not feeling anything if that makes sense. I've had very bad anxiety and OCD and countless MH problems, so maybe these are clouding my judgement. I've spoke to my older sisters and their response is "good, hope she's got some to pay for her funeral because we're not". Sorry I'm just rambling. Anyone else had a similar situation with a parent? As I say. I've not spoke to her for a very long time and made the decision to cut her off when I realized sh could never change.

“Its just hard because there is this little niggle right at the back of my mind that feels sorry for her that she will be all alone and she will die alone with no one there to hold her hand and she will die knowing that no one loved or cared about her and it's this that is playing on my mind. “

I have the same niggle that my DM will die alone and feel sorry for her (at times), but then I think you reap what you sow; she has her DP with her but her siblings and I all live in different countries. I have no idea why her DP has stayed with her as she has treated him shockingly over the past 40 years. He is a lovely man and she is a narcissistic witch. He has apparently chosen to stay with her until the end - he is clearly a bigger person than me.

I'm sorry for the loss you suffered some years ago and sorry for your continuing pain.

May you get some peace soon.

Not to be rude but I think you are a little bit in denial about how terrible your mother was.
this wasn’t someone who was a bit selfish or occasionally lost her temper and gave you a smack. This is someone who systemically abused her children and caused the death of one of them, this is someone who ought to be in prison.
no one (apart from a few nutty bleeding heart liberals) shed a tear when Myra Hindley died or when Jeffrey Dahmer was beaten to death. Your mother similarly deserves no concern or pity from anyone least of all you.

please don’t feel bad. If it would make YOU a feel better to speak to her then do so but only to show her what an amazing and strong person you have become despite what she did to you.

Feeling numb is not an abnormal reaction.

Sounds like in effect she died years ago anyway. She was obviously a troubled, awful person.

Sorry how she treated you growing up. It irritates me when people go on about mothers being the almost saintlike, most are, but there are a few bad ones.

I got a lot of 'but she was still your Mum' when my mum died.

She was alcoholic, manipulative, a narc - since I was 13 she hadn't really been a Mum to me in any real sense except legal duty. Never there when I needed her, cruel and abusive when it suited (and that had been ongoing since v early childhood, not that I properly realised it until my 20s)..

She died of an alcohol related seizure (as best we can tell) she had one about 18 months earlier, was found by her boyfriend and hospitalized... pretended to all and sundry she was fine which, when she dried out of course she was... Went home and continued to drink and then, 18 months later was found by me, on her bedroom floor verging on dead (dead 10 hours later).

I got a lot of guilt tripping, 'oh she was still your Mum' and 'you should have called her more often, gone to see her more often'...

No. No I shouldn't have, and I shouldn't have been made to feel as a child and young adult that it was my responsibility to look after her and take her abuse.

If she hadn't delighted in ignoring calls for days on end, and deriding and abusing at any suggestion anyone was concerned for her well-being, she might not have laid on the floor for 3 days dying.. Entirely her own fault and I refuse absolutely to feel guilty.

I'd already grieved for the Mum I should have had when I was in my teens. By the time she actually died, she was not a Mum in the slightest, she was a vile, abusive person, a danger to herself and others, and she'd been that way through her own choice for a fucking long time.

You do what you need to do, and feel however you feel, there is no right or wrong here, it's entirely up to you.

No, you're fine, nothing to feel guilty about. You have protected yourself over the years, by not thinking about her or giving her any headspace, for the sake of your mental health. It was a good thing to do, as, even though you have perfectly understandable issues, you can function in the world.

You mustn't underestimate the extent of her abuse. It sounds very serious indeed, criminal in fact. But you haven't gone under. For that you should be very very proud of yourself.

But the consequence is that you don't have any feelings left for her, you are numb. In fact you feel an tiny sliver of pity. That's because you are a good person. Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm so sorry you’ve experienced such trauma. I agree with many pps that your feelings are just the right ones for you right now - you don’t have to take on anyone else’s view of what they should be. It doesn’t sound as though your husband is able to completely take the imaginative and empathetic leap needed to understand and accept where you are emotionally. Hopefully he can, however, accept what you say and not pressure you on this but be a source of support to some extent.

Also, I’m sure and you and your siblings are already fully aware of this but, just in case, AlAnon meetings can be really useful if you want to be able to talk aloud and be heard by a group of people who will truly be able to relate. Since covid there are many meetings online and you can join from anywhere in the world at a time that works for you (eg.US meetings if you’re up late at night in the UK)

I wish you peace and self acceptance - however you feel just is.

How you feel, whatever you feel, is just fine.

But also it is OK to feel sad, sad that you never had the mum you deserved, sad that you never had a loving and supportive relationship with each other (because of her choices), sad that your brother died.

Wishing you all the tender care and support that you deserve

I felt relief (as well as shock) when my brother died. But I also felt like nothing could hurt him and he couldn't hurt anybody anymore, he was safely tucked up in the earth with grass as a blanket. Drug addict, street homeless, prison.

I am so sorry that you and your siblings had such an horrific childhood.
My mother was an alcoholic and vile/abusive, so my sibling was NC with her for 10 years prior to her death; I was LC with her.
I felt totally numb when she died and immensely relieved.
Any sadness I may have felt in the aftermath was really only around grieving the Mother I never had, if that makes sense?

@Crazycatlady79 yep, makes perfect sense.

Had to post as I’ve been through something very similar. First of all I’m sorry to hear the tragic death of your little brother from the asthma attack. That’s horrific.

I grew up with 5 siblings plus me under an alcoholic mother. Some of us went into care and the unlucky ones ( myself included ) got to stay and suffer. I was singled out the most and I never knew why and was regularly beaten to the point of black eyes and smashed out teeth, did not get a education as I was raising my younger siblings, was subjected to much mental and emotional abuse and beatings to the point of not even feeling it anymore. At one stage I believed she could read the negative or angry thoughts in my head I had about her which shows the level of fear.

I ended up being chucked out at 15. I didn’t have a penny. I cut her out of my life age 20 and saw her a couple of times in a 10 year period. She met one of my children a few times and one only once.

I got a email to say she was in a hospice and had liver cancer ( from the years of drinking ) at this point myself and siblings relationships had burned to nothing and each child hadn’t really kept a relationship going. It was shocking and upsetting.

I called to see if she wanted to see me and she did. In a hospice swollen with her living ravaged by cancer she was still nasty to me. There was no ‘ lightbulb ‘ moment some people get when death is coming to out their wrongs right. For added measure she left a copy of her will right by her bed for me to see that I had been the only child to be left nothing .

I visited one more time. I won’t and cannot forget that visit. It was dark and just her and me in the room. She was semi conscious at this point. I sat there looking at her and I cried like a small child. It was pure anguish cries bouncing around the walls. She mustered without being able to open her eyes why are you crying and I waited out sounding just like a child ‘ because I won’t ever see you again’

I didn’t stay long. When I left I told her that I forgave her for what she had done but I wouldn’t ever forget and that it was time for her to go.

she ended up passing away the day before my birthday, ironically at the exact moment I was holding on the phone while a hospice nurse had gone to check how she was to update me. I felt nothing when she told me ‘ oh actually she’s just died’. I felt numb and then I felt relief. That’s the overwhelming feeling - relief .

this lady had 6 kids and 8 grandchildren and died alone and I think that was deserving. I choose not to attend a funeral and have no idea when it took place

My advice is to protect yourself from any more memories that can affect you once she’s gone. You have already had enough to Remeber and suffer . Don’t make any rash choices and remember you owe her absolutely nothing .

massive massive hugs

You feel how you feel, so of course it's not wrong, it's irrelevant how good or bad your mother was as a parent - you feel the way you feel.
It's also nobody else's business, so ignore anyone who comes out with the old emotional blackmail.
All that sentimental claptrap about someone holding her hand is also pointless, because there's nothing bad about dying alone - it is a moment of peace, then nothing - exactly what we all want.