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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is odd behaviour?

28 replies

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 17:53

Met a man at a wedding in August. He sought me out on social media and started chatting. He was taking ages to ask me out so I initiated the first and second dates as gave the benefit of doubt that he may just be shy.

Dates went well, lots of chemistry and good chats etc. Texting and voice noting everyday.

I have two kids and have had a number of serious relationships. He has no children, lives alone and has been single for over 8 years. He says he loves his alone time and own company but is looking for something serious and to settle down.

However, I started to notice that we were falling into the routine of him only wanting to see me once every two weeks. When I brought this up, he responded that he feels like I want more than he can give. I responded that to be honest, I think he'd be hard up to find a woman in her 30s, who is wanting to find a long term partner and have more children, who would be okay with seeing her once every two weeks. He said he would only start to see someone more once it got serious and 'we have never been serious'.

I just don't get it, he texts all the time and says he would like to continue seeing me on a two weekly basis. This won't work for me and he knows that now. But what is with these type of men?

Also he wouldn't ever let me go to his home as he said he needed work done to it and was embarrassed. I've seen pics of it in background in pics he's sent me so it's not like it's messy or dirty and I also know he has not got a partner as we have mutual friends.

He said he is struggling with doing relationship type stuff when he has been alone for so long and he just likes to walk his dogs, work and enjoys his own company. Doesn't seem to see his friends much either.

This is fair enough but then why string me along for the past few months? Why approach me? Beyond frustrating.

OP posts:
commafullstop · 29/12/2023 17:55

Also dates turned into him coming to my house, having drinks and sex and staying over once every two weeks. It's very blatant writing that down what he was after actually. Waste of time.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 17:56

He wants what he wants, the way he wants it. He wants some attention once every couple of weeks but doesn't want anybody bothering him or needing him to do things THEY want or need. This is what he us telling you. He is using you.

Smallhome · 29/12/2023 17:57

You're convenient for him and have made it too easy for him to get what he wants from you without having to give anything in return to meet your wants and needs. I'd be moving on.

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 17:57

Yes it is very blatant op. Fully using you for his comfort.

WinterDeWinter · 29/12/2023 17:59

Smallhome · 29/12/2023 17:57

You're convenient for him and have made it too easy for him to get what he wants from you without having to give anything in return to meet your wants and needs. I'd be moving on.

"too easy" jesus christ.

you think if she had held out like a lady this waste of space would have turned into a decent man?

Icelandic9 · 29/12/2023 18:00

I think writing it down has helped you see what's really happening

Smallhome · 29/12/2023 18:01

WinterDeWinter · 29/12/2023 17:59

"too easy" jesus christ.

you think if she had held out like a lady this waste of space would have turned into a decent man?

I'm not even referring to sex. The relationship (if you can call it that) was entirely on his terms and she let him call the shots.

Christmasisspecial · 29/12/2023 18:06

Well he's being brutally honest. Be glad it's only been a few months. It's not nice to feel used though.

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:07

Christmasisspecial · 29/12/2023 18:06

Well he's being brutally honest. Be glad it's only been a few months. It's not nice to feel used though.

He's being honest now, but I feel like if he had led with that at the start, instead of the 'im looking for a partner and to settle down' I would never have entertained it.

OP posts:
Sunflower8848 · 29/12/2023 18:11

He’s stringing you along until he finds someone better. Can guarantee the alternate weeks he doesn’t see you he is having tinder dates.

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:13

He only said that so you would start to trust him emotionally and start having sex with him. Thats what he wanted. Once every couple of weeks in your home, not his.

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:19

Sunflower8848 · 29/12/2023 18:11

He’s stringing you along until he finds someone better. Can guarantee the alternate weeks he doesn’t see you he is having tinder dates.

Oh he's been swearing down that he's not speaking to anyone or even on dating sites anymore. He said 'it's more likely that you will meet someone before I do'. He then said it's 'not about the sex, as good as it is but that he enjoys my texts and chats'.

Usually I'd think he's met someone else but I genuinely think he is so passive and bad at arranging plans that it's not that. I think he's stuck in his ways and habits to be honest. Understanding now why he's been single for so long and only had one 18 month relationship.

His mum also has to look after the dogs so if he was dating he would have to arrange her for the dogs on top of the sleepovers at my house so I just don't think he's seeing anyone else but of course I may just be totally deluded and in denial.

OP posts:
Kwasi · 29/12/2023 18:19

He wants his ego massaged with your messages and a shag once a fortnight. Nothing more.

Dump him!

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/12/2023 18:20

He’s either wanting to keep his options open or he’s avoidant and reluctant to get too emotionally attached because he’s scared of losing his independence and having a partner to answer to.

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:23

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/12/2023 18:20

He’s either wanting to keep his options open or he’s avoidant and reluctant to get too emotionally attached because he’s scared of losing his independence and having a partner to answer to.

I think this is likely. He is SO shut off emotionally. He actually told me that from the very beginning, he's very reserved and doesn't open up easily. Never been in love.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:24

Texting is instant gratification and he doesn't have to get up off the chair for it.

He will not organise dates or clean his home.

But he will come to yours twice per month for sex and will text you because he enjoys that. 🙄

I'd say hes too lazy to be seeing anyone else. As a pp said , it was too easy for him.
I am not insulting you op, you clearly thought this could go somewhere and was thinking about him , I'm sorry hes such a dick. Dont waste any more time on him.

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:24

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:24

Texting is instant gratification and he doesn't have to get up off the chair for it.

He will not organise dates or clean his home.

But he will come to yours twice per month for sex and will text you because he enjoys that. 🙄

I'd say hes too lazy to be seeing anyone else. As a pp said , it was too easy for him.
I am not insulting you op, you clearly thought this could go somewhere and was thinking about him , I'm sorry hes such a dick. Dont waste any more time on him.

Spot on

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:26

Hes never been in love because hes neve been arsed to put in the effort.

This man told you he would put in the effort, you stated having sex and now there has been no effort.

Do you think you will keep trying with him?

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/12/2023 18:26

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:23

I think this is likely. He is SO shut off emotionally. He actually told me that from the very beginning, he's very reserved and doesn't open up easily. Never been in love.

Yep, sounds like his emotional needs weren’t met as a kid and has resulted in him being closed off. A lot of men are similar anyway due to the idea that men can’t be vulnerable. It’s unlikely to improve so I’d move on before you get attached to him for nothing in return.

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:27

I've been moping about but suddenly had a thought when I was making my kids dinner, I thought hold on, why am I moping about. He is in his flat, with his dogs, alone, probably watching some hillwalking stuff on YouTube quite contented. I'm here in my home, with people who love me and who actually give a fuck about me, I'm going to cosy up and watch a film with them. I have amazing friends and family who care deeply about me and I them, a good career, no money worries. Why am I giving him so much head space? So I'm stopping now.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:28

Yep, sounds like his emotional needs weren’t met as a kid and has resulted in him being closed off. A lot of men are similar anyway due to the idea that men can’t be vulnerable. Itms unlikely to improve so I’d move on before you get attached to him for nothing in return.
Totally agree. You dont need a fixer-upper. You'll forever put your blood, sweat and tears into a one sided relationship.

BlackJumpsuit · 29/12/2023 18:28

I might be wondering if he actually was married or living with someone who regularly goes to visit/ sleep over with a relative or friend?

commafullstop · 29/12/2023 18:28

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:26

Hes never been in love because hes neve been arsed to put in the effort.

This man told you he would put in the effort, you stated having sex and now there has been no effort.

Do you think you will keep trying with him?

Oh no no no, I'm done. I have not contacted him today and don't plan to. I just needed to vent and get some opinions on what the fuck this was. I was happily single before him and plan to be again.

OP posts:
BlackJumpsuit · 29/12/2023 18:29

Ah just saw your post about having mutual friends!

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 18:29

I'm going to cosy up and watch a film with them. I have amazing friends and family who care deeply about me and I them, a good career, no money worries. Why am I giving him so much head space? So I'm stopping now.

Fabulous. Fair play to you op..you sound so lovely..and smart 😊

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