To ask; why do some people demand an apology?

[halfmice]

I can’t get my head around it - much as though I try.

My sibling is insisting I apologise for things, that I don’t recall doing or honestly seem trivial to me. I have really tried to see things from their point of view but I am drawing a blank. My DH thinks they know exactly what they are doing but I would prefer to think it’s subconscious - I don’t know why anyone would behave like this on purpose.

When I point out that I don’t understand, they claim I am gaslighting them and invalidating their experience. Then I question myself even though I did not mean to manipulate them at all I worry that I have. They also periodically do it to our parents and their in laws and if they don’t apologise they will say until they do they won’t see DGC. Their in laws have very little to do with them as a consequence, which my sibling believes strongly is their fault and tells everyone in our family (when they’re in the good books) that their in laws are just the difficult sort and unreasonable.

I leave interactions feeling really confused by them and running it over and over in my head, I don’t know what could cause someone to always need others to apologise to them? Is it something I can help with?

Because it's just something some people need to move past something. If it doesn't hurt you to say it, I'd just say it.

Also its unreasonable to demand anything from anyone. They can ask for an apology sure. And you can choose to give it or not. That's the bottom line.

It's a weird thing to say I know, but I read your post as being really quite disingenuous?

You really can never remember doing whatever it was your sibling feels requires an apology and you're seriously asking if it's something you can 'help with'?

It just all sounds a bit odd.

I'm sure there are things in life that you need and others do not or cant understand why you need it. But again, you can chose to give it or not.

They seem to be triggered by a lot, and I wish I could get on better with them but can’t for as long as everything I do upsets them and makes them fly off the handle.

Like what? Can you give an example?

Do they have mental health issues at all?

Like what though? Can you give some examples?

Your sibling sounds like an insecure, controlling, manipulative narcissist.

Id be very low contact.

They could be or the OP could be a gaslighter.

There's really too little info to tell at the moment.

Hm. I know someone like this. They are very transactional in their relationships and keep tabs on everything (and hold grudges). Perceived slights and snubs abound and are mulled over and endlessly discussed with their poor partner. They request apologies in the same way your sibling does ‐often with a bit of metaphorical hostage-taking. Ultimatums are also part of their repertoire. They're exhausting.

Demanding an apology is dumb if you hope to retain any kind of meaningful relationship with the other person moving forward. It is often coercive and manipulative and not necessarily freely given, which renders it useless.

They sound like hard work. I’d limit it to essential contact

Inviting me to an appointment six months ahead of time. Not mentioning it since. Brings it up the day before. I say, crap, sorry, I forgot. Let me just check I can take the afternoon off, shouldn’t be a problem. She calls back ten minutes later demanding I apologise and me taking the afternoon off would be me ‘expecting her to forgive me for neglecting to prioritise her’.

That’s the most recent example.

It’s power play.

In genuine relationships people realise someone has been badly impacted by them and try and put it right. An apology is rarely needed, but generally offered freely as part of the reparations.

An apology that’s asked for is of no value.

Can you give an example of what they expect an apology for? Hard to reply without some examples.

Thing is with their behaviour, if it doesn’t work for you you can reduce contact with them. If you honestly truly don’t think you have done wrong tell them so and then it is their choice to maintain contact or not.

I do think words like “gas lighting” have become overused and misused by some people.

Family gathering, aunt Brenda is also there. Furious with me that I didn’t tell her ahead of time. Insists I apologise for not respecting her boundary that she doesn’t like Brenda and should have prevented her from having to come into contact with her. The gathering wasn’t even at my house and I wasn’t sure about the guest list, I guess I could have asked the host but I didn’t on this occasion.

If I stand on someone’s foot I jump away in horror, check they are ok, find them a seat, look at them anxiously to see if they are ok or if I need to clean their beautiful light shoes…!

If I say sorry and do none of the above, then it’s pretty meaningless.

@WhateverMate @PalePurplePumpkin I have given two examples that have happened fairly recently above. Sorry if it wasn’t clear before. I hate drip feeding and don’t want to be disingenuous, details can make the difference.

I agree with you in principle. I accept my friends and family are flawed and wouldn’t demand an explanation or apology from them.

Although in your example, I think it’s your own responsibility to manage your own diary, I dislike the reliance on reminders for anyone to actually turn up to anything anymore. I wouldn’t demand an apology, but you are in the wrong.

That is unreasonable.
tell her it’s fine for her to have boundaries but they are hers to manage. Then I’d suggest she leave if not happy.

To be honest I’d start limiting contact with her and putting the ball back into her court. Don’t play in to it.

“ok I apologise I forgot the date. Given you’re so angry I think it best we don’t arrange another appointment together. Bye”

”well Brenda is here. It’s not my party so not my job to manage attendees. Leave or sort it with the host. Bye”.

I find that IRL (rather than on MN) it’s not very usual to “demand” an apology and is more generally done my pass agg people who love drama.

More importantly, why do some people find it so hard to give an apology when they’re in the wrong?

(This may or may not be in reference to my husband.)

I don’t know anyone else who does it

If you apologised, it would have no value as if you don't remember the incidents then you can't understand the pain caused.

Could you give up one evening to really listen to her, really hear her, and then tell her you regret having made her feel that way.

I'm on the other side of this fence. I tried to ask my mother to listen to me and I got defensiveness, denials, counter attacks, deflection. They are the victims of me. The classic "you're crazy". Just no acknowledgement that they hurt me. If they can't see that they hurt me then I can't go back for more.

If you want a relationship with your sister I would commit to really hearing her out and validating her experience of you.

I dont mean flagellate yourself indefinitely. I mean, be certain that you have definitely definitely properly heard her out and been respectFulbourn her experience of you before you declare her crazy.

My parents have lost me because they just could not /would not acknowledge that they hurt me. They did. So to have my sanity question because I tried (but failed) to communicate with them, it has done a lot of damage to our relationship and I don't know if things can ever be fixed. It all seems so sad. I just wanted to know that they acknowledged what really happened and that it mattered.
They weren't able to do that so I have to give up.

Good luck op.

In your first example you did apologise, but it sounds like she wanted something more elaborate. In your second example she’s batshit. I wouldn’t have the energy for this: I’d just avoid her.

Does she have mental health issues?

I am really sorry to hear about your situation, it must be tough. Thank you, I love this advice it is really helpful and may be worth giving a go