Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

Why would anybody NOT want any cash they're entitled to?

A lot of people would be mildly annoyed but they wouldn't be actively planning to make their late mum's husband move out of the home he shared with her.

To date Op hasn’t even learned the details of the will. That’s not someone who is interested in selling. Because she doesn’t know she can.

It’s quite unlikely that she can. But up until the girlfriend appeared, the detail wasn’t an issue.

If op planned on raising the subject the first port of call would have been to read the will. She has been thinking about this for a while but never thought to actually find out if she could or not? That makes no sense.

Actually, at this point, she isn’t entitled to any money. Because she has no clue of the terms of the will so how can she determine she is entitled to the money at this point? She may become entitled when he either remarries or dies or whatever the will might say. It’s depends on the will. Failing that she might need to fight it legally and lose. Which again, would be that in law she owns a portion of the house but isn’t entitled to the money from it until a given point.

Its not as simple as she owns part of the house so therefore she is entitled to its value right when she wants it.

It’s far more likely Op knows her mother intended for him to live there. She knows that was in the will with some caveats. But is going to see what she can get him to agree to. And she has chosen to do this now because she is angry and upset.

I never suggested op was grabby. I don’t think it’s about the money at all. It’s about their anger that he moved on, what is in their opinion, too soon. But that’s not going to help their legal case if it comes to that. It won’t change what’s on the will.

You talk about morals. Morally, I think it’s wrong to believe your parents widower is only allowed to move on in your own timeline that suits you. And to attempt to move them out because the timeline didn’t suit.

Op is very clear. She thinks he should move out because he has a girlfriend.

How do you know he doesn’t have enough money to maintain it?

So he should be lonely and single for how long? What's an acceptable amount of time for you to approve of? You are letting your own grief cloud your judgement.

If the OP's mother signed 1/3 of her pension to him then I suspect she will have made provision for him staying on in the property - albeit with conditions.

And honestly, I've lost a parent and a partner, and there is no comparison. 'A partner can be replaced' is an awful thing to say, you cannot replace your person. Ever. I could point out that most people can expect to lose their parents, but few expect or can be prepared to lose a spouse relatively young. It's meant to be the person you spend the rest of your life with. Its heart breaking losing a parent, but a very natural part of life. Losing your spouse is not in the slightest bit comparable.

Well said. A friend of mine lost her partner at a relatively young age. She had lost parents, and a baby, so thought she could accept grief, but said what she felt at the death of her partner was a whole other level.

His late wife of only 2 years developed cancer and died, and he stayed with her and took care of her for the following 2 years. Not many men, in reality, would do this for someone they have been in a relationship for such a short time. This, and this fact only, makes me believe this is actually a quite remarkable man, not just a chancer who wants to keep the house.

How did this man survive while caring for his dying wife? Has anyone considered that perhps he only owns 20% of the house because he became her sole carer and could not work? There are many parts of this story which are unknown because trhe OP has refused to share more details.

Where were OP and her brother during their mum's illness? By the timeline it appears the OP's mum died while she was overseas, so please forgive me if I am wrong, but it does not appear she was spending any of her time caring for her sick and dying mum. This would be because OP's SF was filling that role, and believe me, this is a horrendous and overwhelming job to do. Not having to care for a mum dying of cancer has been a wonderful gift this man has given to his step-children. None of this seems to be recognised anywhere by the OP.

Wanting him out of his house because they want the money (which they would not have by now, had their mum not died too soon anyway) and because he has dared now to date another woman 18 months after the horrendous death of his wife, is the truly obscene fact in this whole saga for me.

I hope op stopped reading this bile a long time ago.

And is looking after herself.

Wishing you the best op. Some of us really understand your pov. Don’t forget many stepmothers are on here with their own (questionable)agendas, clearly.

Talk to sf and come to a civilised and fair agreement, I am sure if he is a decent person he will be more than willing to do the right thing for you and your brother 💐💐

Regardless of anyone's views nothing can be done until op has a copy of the Will .
Op said the will has already been read and administered so it's very simple to go online to get a copy.
If it states SF has a lifetime interest there is absolutely nothing op can do to force him to sell .
If he doesn't op can approach him to discuss the sale .

This is what my will says

My house was mine before my I met my now second dh

He has 3 older kids in 30's

We have a shared dd6 mini blondes

If I die first the house goes to mini blondes /in trust if think under 21

But dh can live there till he dies

Agree with both replies

My first husband died nearly 13yrs ago next year

My mum 10yrs next year

Both were unexpected. Both were awful but different.

Yes you know one day your parents are likely to die before you / but my mum shouldn't have died when she did at 73

She should be alive now. She never knew or met mini blondes 6 which breaks my heart

I don't know what the OP should do about her money but I do think she needs to have a less selfish attitude about her SF dating again. Her feelings about that are irrelevant and he has done nothing wrong. He went through a horrible loss too and may need companionship.

I lost a much-loved parent as a young child and even then had the emotional maturity to support my surviving parent when they dated again because I learned the hard way how hard it is, and how important it is, to find happiness in this life. It baffles me to see adults here discussing whether it's ok to kick a old man out of his home seemingly in part to punish him for how he has handled his bereavement. Of course if it is purely a financial decision about needing the money that would be different but don't try to make it into a moral one.

OP's mother died relatively quickly after diagnosis so he didn't have to "nurse" her for long. Sounds like DM and SF were retired so if he put in 20% of the house price that's probably because that's what he had to put in, not because he couldn't work to look after his wife, and since the house has increased in value he has made a profit. He is already quids in as after a very short marriage he has inherited her pension. He is not grieving now, he has a new GF, which I don't judge him for at all, life is indeed for the living and he should now be living it somewhere else.

100% agreed.

What do you mean he isn’t grieving now?

It’s entirely possible to start new relationship and grieve someone still.

Possibly he may still be grieving, but grieving people often have to downsize if living beyond their means.

We can all speculate till the cows come home, but without knowing whether OP's DM's will allows him use of her share of the house for life, we are really wasting our time.

Agree 16 pages of comments but without OP confirming what the will says it is all pointless. I don’t think OP and brother can even be sure that they have inherited a 80% share, that could just be an assumption as her mum paid 80% of the purchase price.

The posters that claim the ‘grieving’ widow now with a brand new girlfriend should be living in a house mostly owned by op, for the rest of his days, is beyond a joke after such a short marriage!!

This will be especially contentious if he decides to move in the new woman.

All I can say is there are a hell of a lot of people on here, clearly on second marriages hoping to live on someone else’s inheritance!!!

Nope. No second marriage here.

and in my last 2 relationships I have been the one that earns more and has much more in assets. I ah never needed anyone else’s inheritance or someone to out a roof over my head. Even my parents inheritance isn’t required.

if I lived with Dp I might expect for him to be able to live in my house until he died or wanted to live with someone new. The kids can have it after he died. That would be my decision.

It’s funny when people assume someone’s opinion must be that way because it applies to their own life. You can’t possibly imagine someone has an opinion and it has no reflection of their own life.

It’s like me saying that everyone saying he must move out are desperate to get their hands on their parents money. So much so they aren’t interested in finding out what their parent intended.

But I can accept people of all living situations can have differing opinions

OP, you mention putting questions to your brother who will pass them on to a solicitor in the New Year, but I think that you should be approaching a solicitor in your own right. You need to protect the investment you have in the house. You shouldn't rely on having titbits passed on to you, you need to have your own legal advice.

My advice to speak to a solicitor yourself is about clarifying exactly what the will says and about the options which apply to the ownership and occupancy of the property. It may be possible to come to an amicable arrangement to sell the house in the spring of 2025, meaning that your stepfather can think about his options throughout next year.

Having met with an appropriate solicitor, you may all feel that having the house valued would be a useful thing to do.

Something I would encourage you to do would be to separate the legal/financial matters from your feelings about the fact that he has a girlfriend. Consider the legal/financial aspect as a business matter which is relevant to your financial position.

Other posters have said that men do often look for new partners after bereavement and this is my experience too. There was always a strong possibility that this would happen in time and that this hurdle would be one you would need to manage when it happened. Think of it as a positive thing that he has found someone new. You would want people to wish you well too if you were in his situation.

I think that you would find something comforting in knowing exactly what the legal position is, so make an appointment to see a solicitor next week.

Something you might like to do is to think about what you would do with the money generated by the sale of the house. You've had quite a difficult time of late and I wonder whether spending some of it on a special holiday would be a nice thing to do.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

My DP lives with me in my house. When we were discussing wills, I made it clear to him that if I die before him, my house would go to my children , and he made it clear to me that there is no way he would want to live here without me.

Do you have children of your own? If so, is that agreement fair to them?

Seems perfectly fair to priorise a spouses security after death - surely everyone would want the spouse that survives to be secure for the rest of their life?

There is NO WAY I would prioritise a spouse over my children.

A spouse can downsize easily and effortlessly. I would want my children and grandchildren to benefit in this scenario.

Even if that meant your spouse was then homeless and / or struggling in old age? That’s nice.