Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

"AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?"
^^ This is what she said. Along with other things such as him getting a third of her pension raised eyebrows, she thinks her mum wouldn't have liked how quickly he's moved on, and that he's 'landed on his feet' with his new partner.

It’s really obvious, that the new girlfriend is the catalyst.

As though moving on to a new relationship means all ties need to be cut. Or that he doesn’t still miss his wife. Or loves her less. Which in turn means they believe he has given up his right to stay in the home.

Quite honestly, I don’t believe that there’s nothing in the will about the husband of the deceased staying in the house. Or that no conversation has happened so far.

My dad lived on quickly after my mum died. It is what it is. I am a single parent and work full time. I don’t have loads of time to spend with him. He increased his hobbies and has a lovely woman to spend his free time with.

I was taken aback for about 3 hours. Then I thought about it logically. He can love my mum, but also move on. Everyone has loved on. Life has moved on. I miss my mum everyday. She died at Christmas and it’s only been 2 years. It’s been heart wrenching. But that doesn’t mean my life hasn’t moved on. Mum is dead. Either she was right and she is in heaven and blissfully happy with her brother and parents and all this stuff just doesn’t matter. She knows she is loved. Or there’s no afterlife and she is just gone so what does it matter.

How long is ‘respectful’? How long is long enough to prove he loved his wife? How long to does he need to live his life as his step kids think he should to prove anything to them.

The fact that were fine with him the house until a new women entered the picture, suggests this is more like tantrum that anything else.

But they can’t do that if the mother stated in her will that SF could live in the house until such time as he died or chose to move out.How would op and her brother manage if their was no house.They are only entitled to what their mother left them in her will and so far the op doesn’t seem interested in finding out.Although I suspect she does know and is trying to find a way around her mothers specific intructions..

Hmm. I suppose you could see it that way, I see it differently.
Even if the OP and her brother are legally entitled to the force a sale (caveat - it's ridiculous she hasn't seen the will. She could go and buy a copy now no need to 'ask the solicitor').
It seems wrong to kick a grieving widower out of the house.
But now he's moved on and the new woman can financially support him too. It's more palatable.

Of course we're all strangers on the internet. Maybe you're right OP is grabby. But I don't know.

What I DO know is that inheriting a house you can't liquidate is a burden. Who's responsible for major repairs for example? Legally OP and her brother should share the burden as majority owners but why should they be financially tied into the upkeep of a house they don't live in? For decades?

I do think a clean break is better for all parties concerned, unless the will has explicitly said otherwise. Maintenance is one of the biggest issues with lifetime right to reside which is was it's generally advised against unless there's enough liquid assets to cover that too.

@Britinme On your kids (1 in Us and 2 in Uk)- property in US- so on your kids avoiding US IHT, you need to take legal advice. If teh 2 kids in UK want to bring their share of the house's proceeds to teh UK they will pay income tax. They will only avoid tax in UK if they do not bring in a penny from US, and if it is equal to their Personal Allowance (currently £12,700), which I doubt.

If US and Uk have Double taxation treaty ( I have no idea) then what it means is that if they are taxed on US say at 20 % and their UK tax income is taxed at 40%, the UK tax man will only take 20% in UK. However, as the house is NOT taxed in USA, they are likely to be taxe 40% of it in UK.

As said, check with an expert. But for the UK, any income (shares/assets/inheritance) you have even from abroad, is taxed here. unless you pay £60K pa as a non-dom, but then you cannot bring any money from abroad.

@ReallyAgainReally - thank you for that heads-up. I will check that information against legal advice here and in the UK.

US and UK do have a double taxation treaty. My pension income mostly comes from the UK but I declare it and pay tax on it over here.

He has, as far as they know, not been with her terribly long. What do you mean ‘she can support him’?

It’s ok to kick him out of his home because a woman he is dating is wealthy? That makes no sense? If she wasn’t wealthy should they let him stay? Even though the woman’s finances are nothing to do with him?

He could have stayed on the house forever, as long as he continued to be the sad widower? But finding happiness means he can no longer live in his home?

I think this is pretty awful of you tbh. You sound like you are punishing him for 'moving on' - were you expecting him to wear widower weeds forever? Just because he is lonely and wants companionship, or has even fallen in love again, you think it's time for him to leave the house? I say this as someone who has been previously widowed. They were married four years - I appreciate this is not a huge amount of time but it is certainly not insignificant and they probably expected to have much longer.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum but it is very cold of you to judge him for this.

Oh and a clean break here isn’t a clean break. It won’t be a clean break for any of them because they are all still grieving.

Op seems convinced she knows that her mother wouldn’t be happy he has a new girlfriend so soon, but has no clue wether her mum intended for him to stay their permanently.

They only want to free up the money and cut ties because he has a new girlfriend. It’s a tantrum. It was never an issue up until then, Op didn’t even bother finding out the terms of the will. Was quite happy letting him live there. Until he met someone else.

I think what you are feeling is entirely natural op. This man is not a relative or family member of yours, you have no real ties to him at all. As nice as he is. Your loyalty is to your Mum, and what her wishes were. I don’t blame you for feeling sadness thar the plotos were taken down ( unnecessary in my view, as she is still important to him I am assuming) and the pain of it all. Ignore some of these harsh posts.

You are most welcome.

This.
@CanImakethisbetter all of your arguments are 'logical' (e.g. of course if he has a financially wealthy girlfriend it's not her job rationally to support him).
But this isn't about logic. It's about the OP's feelings.

If you wanted to be completely logical he only owns 20%, OP and her brother could have tried to get him out via the courts earlier. Even a lifetime tenancy depending on the terms and whether adequate provision has been made for maintenance etc can be challenged.

So when is the right time to do this? 18 months? 5 years? 10 years?

If all avenues are investigated and they're unable to sell fair enough but the OP's question is really when is it morally right. I'm sure everyone would agree that a week after the funeral is too soon. Is 18 months?

He has moved on. With the new woman. Why can't the children be allowed to move on too? If OP's mother wanted him to stay I'm sure she'd have legally made provision. If not they have every right to sell the house.

Her being wealthy is neither here no there SF has a third of OP's late mum's pension and will have 20% from the value of the house sale.

Good. At least that means they will not be taxed twice as long as the total tax % is made up equal to their UK tax rate.

It is just good to know these things and be prepared- it is not that there will be anything they can do to avoid any tax due.

I have families abroad who are due to inherit mine in UK- I have started to look at things properly and not acquire any more properties in UK as IHT estimate is due and payable to tax man in UK within 6 months- well before all properties, if any, are sold. At least I will know to start liquidating assets once I am too old or too unwell. I am no Tory voter but will vote for them if they abolish IHT.

Well at least it gives the lie to the assertion that the OP is being grabby and cruel in trying to get a grieving widower out of his home...

Nice or not - it's a fact.

I care for my elderly mother at her house, part time- sharing with siblings. We are making provisions for all those employed to assist and a second cousin living with her ( her father wanted her to move in with mum as near good schools etc). The little cousin will have her uni etc all paid for by us until she wants to return to her father.

I therefore find it hard to dismiss anyone who was there in my parent's life in their time of need. Op was even abroad.

I guess those of us who know how mentally taxing it is to be around an elderly person or a person dying from an 'aggressive cancer' can relate, and wouldn't be heartless to their partner just because they are not related to us etc.

What facts might they be?

😂😂😃

Everything hinges on the legalities of the home purchase and/or will.

In my mum and step dad's case, he passed away and his share (50%) has gone to his daughter. The agreement also allows mum to downsize and use the full equity, the inheritance is only released from the sale of the final house the surviving partner (my mum) owns.

The goal was to protect both my mum and step dad to live in a suitable home on their own whilst ensuring each child gets the 50% share their parent originally put into the family home. My step dad probably would have been in a retirement home with care fees; my mum has downsized to a one level property.

both of us have told her to keep the sale money in case she needs a care home in future which we’d have to pay for anyway we’re she to give us the money

Are you in the UK @Cherrysoup? Because if you are, this is absolutely not the case.

You are really projecting.

My experience of terminal, aggressive cancer was the sheer speed things came to an end. We didn’t have long months of lingering ‘care’ as it turned out it was just a week or two and the hospice did the heavy lifting!!

Op doesn’t need to hand over her inheritance for decades on end to ‘thank’ someone for not leaving her mother when she was dying. MOST decent people want to be with loved ones when they have an awful diagnosis. I am afraid your post says more about YOU, that you feel people should be paid and rewarded for simply hanging around ( there was ofc the financial incentive for him to remain too, the cynical part of me wants to remind you)

But it's obvious that they are looking at it from their point of view, like most of us do? They're not thinking about how he feels - they feel a sense of betrayal on behalf of their mother and I think many children do feel that way when a parent moves on quickly - and in this case, he's a stepparent.

Yes, the new woman may have been the catalyst, but this situation was always going to need sorting out sooner or later. Sooner is best, as you can see from lots of posters' own experiences.

I have a friend who didn't even get any of her mum's personal possessions when she died. New woman moved in before long, they got married, and she basically worked her way through everything the man had (including him selling his house and moving away) and then they split up...

I’d be talking to him and saying in order for everyone to move on, let’s sell the house. Even if the will gives him the right to remain. That way he can start his new life with this new women, and you and your brother can release funds and process the loss of your mother and not witness her being moved into what was your mother’s home.

Yes. The sale of my mil’s house (also UK) was semi-supervised/approved to ensure we weren’t underselling to friends and the equity was used to pay for a specialist dementia home. Would my mother’s equity not be used to pay for her potential care home and when that runs out, I’d have to pay?

Not at all projecting. Sadly, I have also experienced a loved one dying of an aggressive cancer- just didn't want to be specific.

I wasn't saying they should be rewarded- I made it clear it is my feelings towards them. Like, I wouldn't be put upon just because I felt they moved on too soon with a new partner. It's teh feelings of someone who was abroad when mum was in her final years who seem to not have any compassion for the partner. He even put his 20% in this joint venture to enable darling mum to have a home.