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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL … again!

34 replies

mrsclaus1984 · 29/12/2023 13:06

What is it with MILs?! Not mine this time, though..!

My DSis (39) is the sweetest, loveliest soul you could meet. Not a bad word to say about anyone, and we’ve always been very close.

She and her DH spent Christmas with his family this year. She didn’t communicate with me on messenger as much as usual on Christmas/boxing day but I didn’t read too much into this as my BIL has a large family as I assumed they were just busy. I spoke to her a few days ago, she sounded distracted and told me we could catch up properly when she was back home today.

She’s just phoned me earlier this morning. And burst into tears :(

She told her that on Christmas Day, there was a huge argument, in which her MIL laid into her about her life choices.

My DSis and her DH are childfree out of choice. DSis used to work full time but made the decision a couple of years ago to pursue her dreams of studying as a mature student. My BIL is fully supportive of this and in fact my DSis seems a lot happier now, as she hated her old job, and she’s now studying towards her dream career.

However this is apparently not good enough for her MIL, who told her that “a woman of her age” should only be unemployed if she’s at home raising a family, and that my DSis is lazy, choosing to be a student.

DSis told me that things got so bad, they went to stay in a local hotel on Christmas Night (too far to drive home).

I feel so upset for her. as I mentioned, she is the loveliest person and works very hard on her studies.

It makes me wonder.. is there anyone out there who actually has a good relationship with their MIL??!!

I’m sorry, I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just upset for my sister 😭

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 13:10

Yes, mine is great. There was the occasional worrying comment when DS1 was little (over 20 years ago) such as did we really need to use the car seat for a short journey, but DH dealt with that very firmly.

I hope your BIL had/will have strong words with his mother.

Hoglet70 · 29/12/2023 13:19

My first one was an evil cow and ex-DH loved her so much! I never stood a chance lol. The only reason I don't mind the latest one is that I never see her as DH isn't close to his family. I don't 'think' she would be horrible to me but apparently she gave The First Mrs Hoglet a hard time so she does have form.

I am so glad DSis has a nice DH who stood up for her because when they don't do that you may just as well get divorced now.

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 13:27

Yes, my MiL and I are very different people, but have always got on and respected each other and made the effort for each other when we spend time together.
Looking around my extended family and friends, I see nothing but either loving, warm connections or complete respect and effort being made both ways.

I feel very upset for your sister, her MiL sounds like a really rude, nasty person but she would be a rude, nasty person even if she weren't a MiL. There is nothing about the relationship that makes a person like that.

tokesqueen · 29/12/2023 13:36

Mine favours SIL and her DC so I will never think much of her as a person.

Coolhwip · 29/12/2023 13:36

Your poor sis.

She should ignore MIL the twat from now on.

Let DH visit her on his own.

sugarapplelane · 29/12/2023 13:46

I like my MIL but sometimes I wish she would grow a bit of a backbone and stand up to her DH.

He’s my DH’s step father.

Sometimes my DH wants to spend time alone with his DM, but step father is always there, can’t do anything alone and so makes things difficult.

iamwhatiam23 · 29/12/2023 13:46

Tell your dsis to ignore the ignorant old cow, her way of thinking belongs in the past! My first mil was lovely......to your face and slagged me off behind my back! She did this to everyone so it wasn't a personal thing lol! My second was a narcissistic, evil, shallow witch with 3 very messed up kids! Its no wonder her son behaves the way he does!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 29/12/2023 13:59

Mines lovely. That’s not to say she’s never annoyed me, she has of course at times over the last 20 years, I’m sure I’ve annoyed her too. Luckily neither of us are ones to hold a grudge and we get on well. She was helpful with the kids when they were young (far more helpful than my own mum) and we help her out where needed now she’s older and getting forgetful (diagnosis of early dementia).
there was a time before she was diagnosed when she was very defensive and quite hard work, but that really was down to her being frightened about the future, but since she’s been diagnosed she seems to have made peace with it and is back to her old, if more forgetful self.

Frisate · 29/12/2023 14:08

Mine has form for being very difficult and has a distant relationship with all her children and children in law. She also sometimes comes across as completely cuckoo bananas. One conversation she had with my DH recently:

-I think the Covid vaccine (she only had the first two doses) caused my pollen allergy (Her)
-But you’ve always had a pollen allergy mum (DH)
-I still think it caused it (Her)
-But you’ve had that allergy all your life mum (DH)
-But I still think it caused it (Her)

🤷‍♀️

This sort of thing happens pretty much every time they speak.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 29/12/2023 14:14

My MIL is very supportive and respectful. She never interferes but will give advice if asked. Her only wish is for her children to be happy and she's said to me many times how happy she is that both her children are settled and happy with great partners. I'm fortunate to have her and my FIL in my life!

JenniferJuniper80 · 29/12/2023 14:15

My dear mil was an absolute star.
She also raised my dh so well. He does more than his share of housework, cleans up after himself, cooks.

I miss her.

EllacottStrike · 29/12/2023 14:19

Mines lovely. I realise I'm very lucky. The batshit one is my own mother.

twigy100 · 29/12/2023 14:32

I am very lucky, I text my mother in law daily and we have a great relationship. I just wish she lived closer but we talk more than she does with my husband.

Bluela18 · 29/12/2023 14:32

A wise MIL will understand that her child is now a grown adult and take a back seat. She's not the main lady anymore and has no control over adult children, their partner or children. She will be respectful , supportive and loving. That way she will bring a richness to everyone's life and be a very loved and valued part of the family and everyone is more likely to get on. Also she will earn the love and respect and any sil or dil will be so grateful for her. Unfortunately you get some MILs that want to run the show, they want to control you , they demand more time with gc , they don't respect parenting rules, they compete and are jealous, will try and turn your marriage sour and your partner against you, they will undermine you, all while looking innocent and playing the victim Then there is trouble, that's when time with gc gets limited or even no contact and you will get the blame for her keeping grand kids away or going lc yourself. I had one of these and I now don't take much to do with in laws. It could have been wonderful otherwise!!!

CunkEverywhereOnEverything · 29/12/2023 14:39

Your sister’s MIL has no right to talk to her like that, it’s not her business for a start.

My exMIL is a nasty, stupid woman and I don’t miss her at all. My current MIL is amazing. She treats me and my children (not biologically her son’s) like actual family. To the point that I’ve said if me and my partner ever do end our relationship I want joint custody of both his parents. I feel very lucky especially as I am not close to my own blood family and have felt like an outsider to them since I was little.

BarryK3nt · 29/12/2023 14:44

I absolutely despise mine, she is a thick, nasty cunt. I am now openly hostile towards her and it’s actually been a lot of fun.

Seadreamers · 29/12/2023 14:51

Bluela18 · 29/12/2023 14:32

A wise MIL will understand that her child is now a grown adult and take a back seat. She's not the main lady anymore and has no control over adult children, their partner or children. She will be respectful , supportive and loving. That way she will bring a richness to everyone's life and be a very loved and valued part of the family and everyone is more likely to get on. Also she will earn the love and respect and any sil or dil will be so grateful for her. Unfortunately you get some MILs that want to run the show, they want to control you , they demand more time with gc , they don't respect parenting rules, they compete and are jealous, will try and turn your marriage sour and your partner against you, they will undermine you, all while looking innocent and playing the victim Then there is trouble, that's when time with gc gets limited or even no contact and you will get the blame for her keeping grand kids away or going lc yourself. I had one of these and I now don't take much to do with in laws. It could have been wonderful otherwise!!!

This. My MIL was the Wise one, my own DM was the latter and part of the reason I am NC.

AyrshireTryer · 29/12/2023 14:51

Send your DSis huge hugs.

Workaholic99 · 29/12/2023 15:06

Mine is awful as are my in laws generally. I feel so sorry for your DSis.

LifeJunky · 29/12/2023 15:28

MIL obviously thinks her own opinion is worth much more than it really is; your Dsis's life choices are none of her darn business.

Deep down MIL may envy your Dsis's abilities, life and power to make choices that enrich her life. Envy can be destructive.

autienotnaughty · 29/12/2023 17:55

Someone made a great point on another post that ils often see their dil as an appendage of their darling son. So anything the dil does is seen through the lens of 'how will this impact on DS'. So her giving up work will likely have a narrative of mils precious son having to work even harder so his wife can live a life of luxury.

I hope her dh stood his ground

WillowCraft · 29/12/2023 18:23

Mine isn't that bad but has three main faults. Firstly she's not interested in me at all only in her son and grandchildren - literally never asks me anything. Even after I gave birth she never showed any interest. Secondly she's boring, all she ever talks about is health complaints. I could overlook the first 2 things easily enough if she wanted to spend time with the children. But thirdly she oversteps and tries to control things whenever I let my guard down. Things like turning up to my child's nursery and complaining because the staff wouldn't hand the child over (they had never met her and I didn't know she was coming). Or phoning up the hospital when I was an inpatient to complain about my care. Tries to muscle in on the children's medical appointments. We don't see her often and she doesn't do any childcare so it's strange that she does this. Also she's not the slightest bit of help when she visits - wouldn't even bring her dirty plate to the sink let alone wash up or cook. Basically she gets waited on hand and foot and never offers to pay for anything either. So from my point of view she isn't terrible but there are no good points either.

My own mother offers some unwanted advice but she's generally pretty good, she's much more in the helpful, supportive category.

WillowCraft · 29/12/2023 18:29

Sometimes I think to myself do I dislike my mother in law so much simply because of the slight jealousy that she's another woman in my husband's life, but I'm sure it isn't that. Although I'm sure that element doesn't help, if she was a more distant relative she probably wouldn't annoy me as intensely but I still wouldn't like her

Pixiesfan · 29/12/2023 21:38

My MIL was a hardened Northern woman with a sharp tongue who made it very obvious if she didn't like you. Thankfully she loved me very much. Miss her.

saraclara · 29/12/2023 21:45

EllacottStrike · 29/12/2023 14:19

Mines lovely. I realise I'm very lucky. The batshit one is my own mother.

Same here. My MIL was wonderful, and she's the one who (without knowing she was doing it) showed me how to be a mother, and now grandmother. I loved her dearly.

My mum on the other hand, is everything you don't want in a mother. I keep my diary visits to an hour once a month, and came home from today's filled with anger. As usual.

There's a reason that I often join MIL threads to defend them.
But obviously your sister's MIL was bang out of order.

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