Advice for husband moving out please

[Startingoverstressed]

Hi, looking for some advice really. Me and husband split up a few months ago. Agreed he would move out after Christmas (so basically in the next week now) on Christmas day he was ill with covid and in bed all day. After speaking to his mum and step dad it appears she thought he would be moving in with them but the step dad had no idea and to say he is not happy about it is an understatement.
We had agreed for him to have the children 2 nights per week so I could go full time and work longer hours on those days and then every other weekend but his stepdad isn't happy with this as he thinks (probably rightly) they will end up having the children.
They want to come round tomorrow for a chat about this with us both (so we are all on the same page and no Chinese whispers) but I can't help thinking they want him to stay living here. These last few months have done nothing for my mental health, self esteem etc and I'm finally at a place where I don't want him here. I'm ready to start fresh but feel like this conversation is not going to go that way. I completely understand where they are coming from and between them and my mum they help so much with childcare I don't want to upset them or anything however I keep thinking if roles were reversed and I was moving out it would be on me to sort not some big joint thing?
Any advice on how u broach this please? I was thinking saying the every other week contact he could stay here instead of them being there?
Although it still then sort of feels like putting my life on hold for god knows how long he will live there.

Why can’t you sell the house, split the money and then you’ve both got money to get your own places and start again? I don’t blame the stepdad for being annoyed. This is not his problem.

Don't compromise on allowing him into your space.

It's his problem to arrange suitable accommodation. The end.

He promised X, now he needs to deliver X.

I would refuse to participate in that discussion.

You and your husband have agreed how you are going to end your relationship- he is moving out and having the children two nights a week.

How he makes this happen is up to him. If he needs to speak to his mum and stepdad about it, that's up to him - but it doesn't involve you.

You have your agreement with him. Just repeat that as often as is needed. How we sorts that is his responsibility.

He needs to get his own place.

If there is an agreement with his parents that it will be temporary for only x weeks would they be more inclined to agree? If overnights are an issue, he can take them out full days and bring them back in evenings during this temporary arrangement?

Is the house in both your names? If so, you may need to get the house on the market and look at longer term options for yourself.

Exactly as JurassicFantastic said.
He has to figure it out...not your problem.

Why can't he rent somewhere? A 1 bed with a sofa bed for him to use when kids are there would suffice in short term.

Surely if it his home he can change his mind and stay?

If I was his parents i would be telling him not to move.

Where he goes is not your problem.

My comment above is based on the assumption that the house is solely in your name?

If not, you can’t force him to leave and will need to sell/give up the tenancy.

Why would he move out before the house has been sorted during the divorce? Did his solicitor advise him to do that? Even if he agreed to do that, it’s now looking unviable, if it’s also his house, too, he should just stay there. You can buy the other out or sell the house.

Who owns or is the tenant of the family home? If it’s both of you, you can’t demand anything, and the house should be given up so you both start again (with capital behind you if you own it).

In regards to the house. We are fixed until Jan 26 to come out of the mortgage now would mess up both over because of fines and how high interest rates/rents are. The agreement is basically to look at selling 2026 but he is happy for us to stay here as long as needed right now. Obviously that may change. I will be paying for everything. He doesn't really want to live there either, I think he just wants to be able to save for deposit/rent on a place. I said to them the other day that putting plans / bound in place before he moves in might help I.e time limit, give them the money to save for a house, ensure he does everything for the children etc.

2 nights a week plus every other weekend is nearly 50/50 so why is he the one moving out? Yous both need your own places or keep the family home for the children and each move out to family or whatever when you don’t have them.
His parents are not being unreasonable. Why would they take in a grown man 100% and his children 50%? That’s surely nothing more than a short term solution. It’s up to him to sort his living situation for sure, but they maybe want to include you because they see their son may be getting the short end of the stick and they are the ones going to pay for it just so you aren’t inconvenienced. They probably want to make sure that this is a you and dh issue to solve, not theirs.

I will be paying for everything assume you mean mortgage and bills on the marital home?

Are you in separate bedrooms now?

If he's agreed to move out then he needs to sort out where, and have the kids there or take them out somewhere.

If your STBXH has chosen to leave the house - then it's up to him to organise his future accommodation.
I can understand why you want to keep the existing mortgage - but bear in mind that for the next two years the house will remain legally joint owned and as such he can move back in at any point (even if you are paying the whole mortgage). Therefore I would consider biting the bullet and paying any early redemption fees to get the mortgage fully in your name now (and buy husband out so he can start looking for his own place). Might be worth a discussion with your mortgage lender as they may be lenient in the case of a divorce.
You're trying to be nice to your ex and in-laws by keeping things open between you all BUT - they are HIS family and i think you risk being railroaded into agreeing something you don't want if they all gang up on you.
By all means keep the in-laws informed but any discussions should be strictly between the two of you.

Is there any chance of you sharing a studio so that the kids always stay at home until you sell the house? That's what we did and it worked out well - but my kids were very young at the time and the separation was amicable / respectful. It meant that whoever had the kids stayed at home and the other had the studio which was only a couple of streets away.
Whatever is best for your kids is the most important thing. Good luck!

Yes it would be 50/50. He wants to move out as its him who doesn't want to try and fight for our marriage (we'll I'm over it too now tbh). It's just all so complicated

This is correct.
If it's his house too he doesn't have to move.

I've looked at trying to pay him out it would basically double the mortgage payments which I can't afford. I can just about manage without his wage now. I've looked at selling but again with a girl/boy in tow I would be able to get a very run down 2 bed house for just a bit more than what I pay now. It's all such a mess. I can't see a solution that isnt going to end in a crap life for everyone involved

If he is the one that wants to move out, and is happy for you to stay in the house and take over the mortgage payments until it’s sold it’s reasonable to expect him to sort alternative accommodation out. He needs to look at rentals.

Can you not still port the mortgage to a new property during the fixed period, but in your sole name? May be a charge to remove his name, but shouldn't have to pay an early redemption charge if porting to a new property? Then you can effectively buy him out of the current mortgage, move to a smaller house, and he will have a deposit for a smaller place?

I think this is the best idea, I think it’s called bird nesting? Or something like that, so until 2026 you basically “share” the home. You both pay towards the house and you both pay towards a second place close by, and whoever has the kids stays in the house at that time. It’s really common especially nowadays with housing being so expensive, and prevents the “you have to leave”- the reality is he could move back at any time if he’s still on the mortgage you can’t stop him and it’s not entirely fair for you to keep the house and benefit of your joint initial deposit, where he then has to save one himself for somewhere new. You either need to share until 2026, or you sell now and take the hit on fees then take away your 50% each to find new places.

Have you spoken to a family solicitor and a couple of mortgage brokers? Your scenario isn't exactly unusual, so there may be a solution.

Also post in Legal Matters here for advice.

I know very few couples where they’ve been able to afford one moving out and renting. He may have agreed to do that because he was hoping to live with his parents, but will have to change his mind if they don’t want that.

I would imagine the house will have to be sold to enable both of you to house yourselves, especially if he’s going to be having the kids 50/50. If that can’t happen yet as he can’t live with his parents and he can’t afford to rent, then you’ll have to continue the current arrangement till it can.

You can’t force him out if his name is on the mortgage despite what he/you might have said previously

I'll look into this, hopefully an option. Thank you 😊
Thank you all for your advice, we haven't spoken to solicitors as money in very tight and with trying to do it all amicable we were hoping to stay away from those sorts of fees. We do have a mortgage advisor that I have messaged though so hopefully he can help advise on next steps. The run down 2 bed wouldn't be bad if I could keep 10/15k out of the equity to do it up but at this point I'm not sure. Plus it wouldn't be a long term solution as girl/boy would even need their own rooms but it could work short term. There isn't much to rent or buy in our area but our entire support system and the kids schools are here so if possible we'd like to stay close by.

It sounds like the whole plan of you being ready to start ‘fresh’ after Christmas hinged on him moving in with people this week, one of whom had no idea this was even happening! I’m not surprised the step dad is pissed off. Was your husband planning on living there rent-free whilst having the two kids piling in there half the week as well?

I don’t think ever really sounded like a good idea. I can see you’re disappointed, but I think there needs to be a plan giving you both a chance to start fresh. The couples I know in this situation (3) had to rent or buy flats and the children did have to share bedrooms. Not ideal but not illegal.