Advice for husband moving out please

[Startingoverstressed]

Hi, looking for some advice really. Me and husband split up a few months ago. Agreed he would move out after Christmas (so basically in the next week now) on Christmas day he was ill with covid and in bed all day. After speaking to his mum and step dad it appears she thought he would be moving in with them but the step dad had no idea and to say he is not happy about it is an understatement.
We had agreed for him to have the children 2 nights per week so I could go full time and work longer hours on those days and then every other weekend but his stepdad isn't happy with this as he thinks (probably rightly) they will end up having the children.
They want to come round tomorrow for a chat about this with us both (so we are all on the same page and no Chinese whispers) but I can't help thinking they want him to stay living here. These last few months have done nothing for my mental health, self esteem etc and I'm finally at a place where I don't want him here. I'm ready to start fresh but feel like this conversation is not going to go that way. I completely understand where they are coming from and between them and my mum they help so much with childcare I don't want to upset them or anything however I keep thinking if roles were reversed and I was moving out it would be on me to sort not some big joint thing?
Any advice on how u broach this please? I was thinking saying the every other week contact he could stay here instead of them being there?
Although it still then sort of feels like putting my life on hold for god knows how long he will live there.

He’s trying to be generous, probably as he’s the one wants to quit (is there someone else?), but he’s basing it on his parents who don’t want to do it. He’s basically being generous at their expense, which isn’t on. I think you might need to think of other solutions op. Not least because when the guilt wears off him he will likely start pushing to sell anyway.

Seeing a solicitor may seem like an expense now - but trust me going through a divorce with legal advice can save you thousands in the long run.
All solicitors will offer a free 30 min consultation and if you're both amicable there's no reason for sols fees to escalate hugely.

As i'm sure you know accepting lower housing standards is part and parcel of getting divorced (i'm speaking from experience)

Speak to a mortgage advisor about how much you can afford to loan. Some mortgage lenders will accept benefits and maintenance payments as income so you may be able to borrow more than you think (but you will need someone to advise you on your specific circumstances).
Also consider all your assets incl pensions when you're working out if you can buy out your ex. I know that you can opt to let him keep his whole pension in place of more equity in the house (only if he agrees Obvs) Everything is worth considering but you need professional advice to steer you tot he right solution for you.
You can also arrange for your ex to stay on the mortgage as a guarantor until the children are independent - then sell the house much later and divide assets then. This is a very long term plan and wont suit many but could be worth considering.

Good Luck.

I'm unsure why you would be part of the conversation, if I'm honest. It is up to him where he lives and if that's at his parents house, that conversation should be between the 3 of them.

Only you know what you are comfortable with in regards to when each of yiu have the children and who pays for what
But it doesn't spund like you are going to be splitting everything (payments/childcare and costs) 50/50? If that is the way you like it, continue on. If not, you two need to have an in-frpth conversation about what this split entails, especially if you are going back to work FT (i.e, he takes the kids more than 2 nights a week and pays half the bills).

Also, if the plan was for him to move put this week, he'd better get on it, Covid or no. He should have planned better/more advance. I'd be very firm on what you want, what your boundaries are NOW so that you aren't taken advantage of anymore.

I'd be very firm on what you want, what your boundaries are NOW

If she decides she wants him to go, but his plan of moving rent-free into his mum’s house isn’t an option and he can’t afford to rent, he will have to stay in his/OP’s joint house-no matter what her ‘boundaries’ are. It’s as much his house as hers.

Exactly this.

It’s not as easy as just setting boundaries when it comes to living arrangements like this. That house is both of their homes, OP is actually just relying on his good grace to move out, if he doesn’t want to then he doesn’t have to. Hence why I do think there is a need for wider conversations hence, not necessarily with his parents but definitely between the two of them.

You both need legal advice, you should have taken it before now. Financial settlements need to be fair regardless of what individuals are prepared to accept.

From what I have read it seems that the deal is that he still pays half the mortgage after moving out which will obviously limit the money he has for funding another place to stay. It also sounds like he has been led to believe by his mother that he has a place to stay but that his mother hasn't ensured that the step-dad is onboard. The reality is that it will be difficult to force him out and you'd be better off trying to be constructive in helping him find solutions to the issue that get him out of the house rather than being snarky and obstructive. Promises made months ago mean nothing here.

I'm finally at a place where I don't want him here

I think you would be justified in that attitude if you owned the house outright, but presuming it’s a joint mortgage, that obviously isn’t your decision to make. If I was him, I would also want to stay in my house with my kids until something was sorted.

I think engaging a solicitor and looking to sell the house and split the proceeds is the only way forward here.

Hi no he wouldn't be paying anything especially if he has the kids 50/50 he wouldn't even be paying maintenance etc.
And yes, @Shinyandnew1 I meant more mentally. I kept trying to work out our issues, asked him to get help etc but he didn't want to hence the break up. It was hard because I was scared of the future I was willing to keep trying. Now I've realised it wouldn't be healthy for any of us in the long run.
My mortgage advisor is going to ring me. I think the best option is to sell. My mum said we could move in there if I don't find something before mine sells but she has 2 bed plus box room with my brother living there too so I'm hoping I find something before it comes to that.
Thank you all

No further advice to add except that if his parents do turn up tomorrow wanting a chat, make sure you have someone there for you, to fight your corner. Don't be 'ganged up' on or bullied.

I've asked my mum to watch the kids so we are not interrupted and she said she thinks she should be here for me but u didn't know if that would be a good idea or make it worse. I want to try and stay on good terms with them all as like I say they do help with childcare. And to be honest when I thought everyone was on board with him moving in with them it was fine but now I'm thinking selling probably would be the best for everyone.

I will see what they say tomorrow but I think I agree with them. It's not my business where he moves but if it's going to cause an atmosphere that will then affect the children I'd rather not risk that. Just have to put up with some more stress, pettiness until we manage to sell I suppose.

In terms of the meeting with his parents I'd be worried it might be 3 against 1, pushing you into something you aren't happy about. Do they currently provide regular childcare when you & Ex work? If so then I guess you do need to talk about that and if it would continue on days that would be 'yours' after you split. Otherwise it's between him and his parents if they agree for him to move in.

If you can keep it civil then 'nesting' might be a solution. Meaning kids keep bedrooms and stability and you & Ex are the ones that move in and out. It needs a lot of emotional intelligence on both sides though.

So either you find a flat and share that on rotation (tricky but possible), or if they agree, you each stay with your respective parents on the 'off' days. Ex's stepfather might be willing to do that, it may be having the (loud, messy) kids in his space he's not keen on rather than one working adult part time. Obviously you'd both need to contribute to the parental household bills for the 3-4 days a week you are each living with them, and pull weight on cooking/cleaning. If you think it would work, maybe that's something to suggest to Ex and see if he can propose that to his mum & SF.

I hope you work something out as simply as possible, even if that ends up with selling and paying the ERP's.