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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed items not returned

46 replies

Prettyinpink03 · 28/12/2023 22:12

So this really frustrates me and I didn't think I was being unreasonable until 3 separate friends made me feel I was.
I've gone minimal in my home and absolutely love it! Not 'I own a table, lamp and chair' minimal but everything has to fit in its space. The wardrobe houses clothes and if they don't fit then clothes need to go.
My kids were dubious but are now on board, they love how the house looks and how easy it is for them to keep on top of their bedrooms and belongings.
Anyway when friends kids come over they end up in my kids clothes for various reasons - unexpected sleepover etc. I don't mind this at all but I've tried to stop them leaving the house in these clothes because we don't get them back for ages.
The next time they visit they don't have the clothes. If I go to them it's "oh that's in the wash somewhere, we'll sort it next time". They look at me like I've lost my mind if I tell them I'll take the clothes washed or unwashed.
I don't think it's a case of my friends trying to keep it because they are never in a rush to have thier stuff back from my house either, although I always have it ready and waiting for when I see them.
Another thing is since I've done this and we all own less, I've been able to get the kids clothes they like from places we couldn't afford in the past so every item they love and wear often. I've explained this to friends and that my kids have less than they used to so we need speedier return times. Tbh I don't feel like I should have to explain why I want my own belongings back but these friends make me feel like it's an issue. It's at the point where I've thought about getting some cheap t-shirts etc. to keep in a basket as spare/guests clothes then I wont care if I dont see them for weeks/months or ever!
Ahhh. AIBU?

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 28/12/2023 22:15

I would get the cheapie t shirts and trackie bottoms. Seems a really reasonable compromise to me.

Bepopp · 28/12/2023 22:21

YANBU. Nothing annoys me more than people who don’t return stuff they have borrowed. It’s rude. I always go OTT thanking people if I’ve borrowed anything

Ladybirder · 28/12/2023 23:23

Why do you need to buy clothes for your friends kids when they stay over? If it is a regular occurrence that they need a second set of clothes when they are at yours then their parents should send them with a set. Storing extras of clothes for other people in your home contradicts your minimal lifestyle.
your friends should return your items promptly regardless of your lifestyle choices- they are your belongings.

Original poster
Prettyinpink03 · 29/12/2023 11:31

It would definitely contradict my minimal lifestyle, thankyou for that. I never questioned that I was in the wrong until friend no.3 began to act the same way which made me start to doubt myself.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/12/2023 11:35

I'm notoriously bad at returning things
I can leave them right next to things I'm taking and forget

It's just the way some of us are. Their lifestyles choices aren't yours.

If you really are worried then get a basket of cheap spares. It's all in a place so won't mess with your lifestyle choices and won't leave you so irritated about the decent stuff being missing

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 11:38

Just send them home in their own stuff. Even wet or dirty...

honeylulu · 29/12/2023 11:38

That's crazy. There should be no need for other kids to borrow clothes and especially not to take them home! How old are the kids? If young have a word with the parents. If teens just tell them directly - no taking clothes out of the house! If they don t like it they dont have too come and avail themselves of your kind hospitality.

TriciaMcMillan · 29/12/2023 11:43

Why are other children regularly going home in your children's clothes? I understand this might happen once or twice, but sounds like this is a regular occurrence?

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:47

Are sleepovers non negotiable? I would just keep it to daytime visits if they can’t be relied on to return clothing.

Or text them beforehand to remind them to bring pyjamas/extra clothing as you have none to spare.

I hate other people wearing my clothes and I hated it as a child. Just because they’e children doesn’t mean their clothing should be seen as fair game for borrowing.

CatamaranViper · 29/12/2023 11:48

Is it the same kids all the time?
If so why not ask their parents for a couple of spare t-shirts and joggers which you can stash somewhere? Saves you buying some cheap stuff.

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:48

CatamaranViper · 29/12/2023 11:48

Is it the same kids all the time?
If so why not ask their parents for a couple of spare t-shirts and joggers which you can stash somewhere? Saves you buying some cheap stuff.

Rather defeats the purpose of a minimalist home.

CatamaranViper · 29/12/2023 11:49

DSs friend keeps a pair of slippers at our house for when he comes around and DS has a pair at his!

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:50

CatamaranViper · 29/12/2023 11:49

DSs friend keeps a pair of slippers at our house for when he comes around and DS has a pair at his!

Again, not in line with a minimalist home.

Ladybirder · 29/12/2023 12:25

Tops to you for going minimal, especially with kids! It must have been hard to get them on board at the beginning. I’ve started it myself and it really does help simplify your life - you need less storage and cleaning takes less time meaning you have more time to do things you enjoy!

LordEmsworth · 29/12/2023 12:31

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/12/2023 11:35

I'm notoriously bad at returning things
I can leave them right next to things I'm taking and forget

It's just the way some of us are. Their lifestyles choices aren't yours.

If you really are worried then get a basket of cheap spares. It's all in a place so won't mess with your lifestyle choices and won't leave you so irritated about the decent stuff being missing

Not wanting people to nick your stuff is "a lifestyle choice"? And some people can't help nicking stuff cos "it's just the way we are"?! Riiiiggghhhht...

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:36

Why can't these kids just wear their own clothes?

GreatGateauxsby · 29/12/2023 12:39

I would go for a there pronged attack.

  1. Avoid social scenarios like sleepovers where changes of clothing is needed.
  2. If it's a sleepover messy play etc remind in advance about clothing.when they are being dropped off ask do you have PJS do you have clothes for tomorrow? If they say no, tell parents they need to drop it off.if they say yes and don't Text parents and tell them to bring X Y and Z clothing for pick up as their child didn't bring a jumper/hat and make them change before exiting the house.
  3. If possible just Dry or wash the item and change them back into it 15 mins before parents arrive.

I would not let the clothing leave the premises especially if arsehole friends won't return it in a timely manner.

Thehop · 29/12/2023 12:40

If they borrow stuff for a sleepover either wash their stuff ready to go home in or send them home in their own clothes dirty.

wont do any harm

Blanketpolicy · 29/12/2023 12:47

Ds(19) had sleepovers most weekends when younger with friends from school or football, so a wide range of people, and I cannot remember a single time a friend had to leave with his clothes or he had to borrow clothes.

Why is this even happening so regularly? Send them back in their own clothes even if slightly dirty or damp as not dry after a quick wash.

CatamaranViper · 29/12/2023 13:09

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 11:48

Rather defeats the purpose of a minimalist home.

Show quote history

Well yes but OPs said she's started buying some cheap t-shirts to keep for this, so this was an alternative so she isn't out of pocket. Whether purchased by her or borrowed from friends house, they take up the same space...

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 29/12/2023 13:15

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/12/2023 11:35

I'm notoriously bad at returning things
I can leave them right next to things I'm taking and forget

It's just the way some of us are. Their lifestyles choices aren't yours.

If you really are worried then get a basket of cheap spares. It's all in a place so won't mess with your lifestyle choices and won't leave you so irritated about the decent stuff being missing

I don't get this.

You posted that you are so badly organised that you would prefer other people just buy stuff they don't need to allow for your being disorganised.

No!

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/12/2023 13:15

Can you not just put a stop to the borrowing of clothes? With the exception of say, a one off emergency where a child is sick and theologies have to come off for a wash I can't understand why any child is routinely wearing your DC's clothes.

If they're staying over they need to bring a bag of clothes or their parents need to drop one off.

Technical in me wonders if they'd be borrowed or kept at all if they weren't decent/branded/nicer than what the child came in.

Anything you're owed back I'd send messages out saying "we'd really appreciate this back please - DS/DD has been asking after it and wants to wear it- thanks!" and not accept nonsense excuses. Eg if someone responded oh yes will drop it off next time, I'd say oh that's fine I'm passing so will collect it for him/her.

NoTouch · 29/12/2023 13:31

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/12/2023 11:35

I'm notoriously bad at returning things
I can leave them right next to things I'm taking and forget

It's just the way some of us are. Their lifestyles choices aren't yours.

If you really are worried then get a basket of cheap spares. It's all in a place so won't mess with your lifestyle choices and won't leave you so irritated about the decent stuff being missing

I've got to assume this is a joke

If it isnt and you want others to buy clothes for your children because you are "just that way" you need to speak to someone as that attitude is not normal or heathly and you dont want to model it for your children

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 29/12/2023 14:01

It's just clashing lifestyles though. Yanbu but surely you can see it from the other side.

Glockwein · 29/12/2023 14:13

I'm not sure what the answer is but I think you're just unlucky. Anything we've lent out comes back promptly, washed.

Ideas - nothing earth shattering really. Maybe text a reminder to return them the day before they come next time. Hang onto outgrown clothes and use those for the spares if you can. We tended to end up with a few less precious spares stashed, like plain T shirts bought for school dressing up/nativities, free T-shirts from holiday club etc so could usually cobble something together while still having a pretty streamlined system.

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