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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help to sort this mess out?

38 replies

lopertee · 28/12/2023 21:57

I am a complete mess at the moment. Everything is falling apart, except for work, that's the only thing going well as I am so good at masking but I am a fraud. I'll try bullet point it -

I have a very professional job wherein I am helping people overcome addiction and mental health, yet I have a substance use problem myself - alcohol and cocaine. It isn't daily use but about twice a week I am binging on copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine and this is having an impact in all other aspects of my life. I have borderline personality disorder and very low self esteem but somehow have managed to get my qualifications and ended up in this role despite this. As I said, I am very good at masking and I think if you were to tell any of my colleagues what is going on in my home life they would be very shocked.

I am seeing a guy who is quite openly using me for sex, however, it's like an addiction I cannot break. I continue to let him use me even though it's making me feel like shit.

I am unhappy 95 percent of the time despite being on anti depressants. This is having an impact on my 10 year old daughter as I am really struggling to be present for her. I cry a lot and there's a depressive air in the home.

my house is so untidy and I believe this is due to my alcohol/cocaine use as I am losing at least two days out of my week lying in bed and not doing any chores. Once again this is impacting my daughter.

I have neglected everything that's good for me and that I used to enjoy, exercise/books/walks with the dogs etc.

my finances are a mess due to the cocaine use and due to just not caring/keeping track.

I have really became a shell of myself and I genuinely believe this has been caused by my relationship with this man who has no idea any of this is going on. One year ago and I was on top of my game, I was genuinely happy, had my shit together. Was juggling loads but managing and actually enjoying it. I feel like I'm walking through mud just now.

I am 31, and the past couple of days I have decided I simply cannot continue my life on this path. Eventually I will lose everything. However, I have no idea where to even start. Everything seems so difficult.

I have a support system in my friends. I could afford private therapy but I worry if that will affect my job? If I tell the therapist the type of work I do. But I can no longer, in good conscience, give advice to clients when I am in the big mess I am in.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get out of this awful cycle? I believe I drink because I am so unhappy and overwhelmed it is the only way I know how to numb my emotions.

OP posts:

Chuffaluffa · 28/12/2023 21:59

This is heartbreaking, but so brave to post and ask for help. I’m not equipped to give you advice but I’m sure reaching out for it is an amazing first step. Well done, I hope 2024 is your year, for both you and your daughter.

Doggymummar · 28/12/2023 22:00

Come clean at work and go to rehab?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/12/2023 22:01

I am massively out of my depth with this subject, but you are the expert. What advice would you give yourself?

Crooklodge · 28/12/2023 22:01

Sometimes you have to take a massive fall before you'll sort your shit out, will you getting sacked or losing your kid be enough to kick you up the bum? Our neighbour was publicly named and shamed on fb a few months ago for dealing coke and being an addict, career gone. That's all it takes, one single post.

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:01

Doggymummar · 28/12/2023 22:00

Come clean at work and go to rehab?

Unfortunately that would be life ruining for me. If there's a way I can deal with this at home quietly then I would prefer that option first.

OP posts:

bossybloss · 28/12/2023 22:02

Well done for opening up on here. I think you know deep down what you have to do. You need therapy to get clean and you have to be really really strong and break all ties with your boyfriend. Good luck!

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 28/12/2023 22:02

Don't therapists have a code of conduct which means they keep what is said confidential?
Either way you need to seek help as you clearly cannot cope with this on your own.

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:03

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/12/2023 22:01

I am massively out of my depth with this subject, but you are the expert. What advice would you give yourself?

Get rid of the man, therapy, recovery groups/social groups, self help books, healthy eating, exercise, loads of self care. Easy to dish out but not so easy to take.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 28/12/2023 22:04

I second speaking to your work. Under the circumstances, they be understanding and supportive, as well as able to point you towards the best resources.

From familial experience, i would say that cocaine and alcohol are two of the hardest things to kick, but it's doable and you WILL get your life back almost overnight if you can do it.

Get yourself to NA or AA. It really is the quickest and most effective thing you can do for yourself right now. You and your DD deserve you to be clean and healthy.

OrangeSlices998 · 28/12/2023 22:06

You wouldn’t need to disclose your job to the therapist?

Start therapy, get signed off work (can say it’s for MH reasons), ditch the toxic man and go to narcotics anonymous.

thisisasurvivor · 28/12/2023 22:06

Op I feel your pain

Could you ask for a sick cert for a few months?

Sort yourself out as much as possible in this time??

Easier said than done I know

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/12/2023 22:06

You know what you have to lose here, your job and your daughter. You will get found out.

Can you take it step-by-step step: fist knock the drinking and coke on the head.

That will help you free up mental energy to get rid of the man and sort some of the other stuff out.

Addiction thrives in secrecy. You do need to admit you need help to others. Can you go off sick from work?

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:07

Definitely going to go to NA, was thinking in the town over from me. And yes was thinking about getting signed off work, however, I need to be sure I am doing this for the correct reasons and not just use the time getting drunk etc.

OP posts:

pinksquash13 · 28/12/2023 22:07

I'm so sorry. Sounds awful. Start small. Step by step. Have your daughter in mind everytime you find it hard. There's a very real chance you could be put on a child in need or child protection plan with social services if it got out and that is definitely something to avoid. To me, it seems like the starting place is to get rid of the man. Be strong! 2024 is your year.

SparkleyMud · 28/12/2023 22:08

Definitely speak to a therapist. They wouldn't breach confidentiality over this. But before you start with them you can ask them what's they would break confidentiality over so then you know.

You've already started by getting to this point. Well done!!
Make the next step a little one. Maybe contact a therapist?

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:10

SparkleyMud · 28/12/2023 22:08

Definitely speak to a therapist. They wouldn't breach confidentiality over this. But before you start with them you can ask them what's they would break confidentiality over so then you know.

You've already started by getting to this point. Well done!!
Make the next step a little one. Maybe contact a therapist?

Thank you, I plan on contacting a therapist tomorrow, I've been having a look online today. Good idea to ask about confidentiality and go from there.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 28/12/2023 22:13

Also maybe use this thread to record your progress. If you relapse - come here and write it down. No judgement but you may feel that you are a little more accountable to someone (we will be kind). But if you keep a record of your progress, we can also cheer you on :). Obviously only if you feel you want to. Just might be good to have an anonymous support network.

StarDolphins · 28/12/2023 22:13

Well done for posting, it can’t have been easy.

Easy for me to say but there’s no way I would jeopardise my job at this stage. I would be absolutely determined to sort this myself. I appreciate we’re all different though & might not be possible for you.

The very first thing I would absolutely do (I have high self esteem so again, easier said than done) is dump this man. Block him, erase him from your mind & never ever look back.

I would then find the very best therapist to help with your alcohol/cocaine addictions.

Blinkityblonk · 28/12/2023 22:13

You sound very insightful and intelligent, but you yourself know you are doing self-destructive things (we all do from time to time, overeating, drinking too much and so on). I think having a therapist privately would be a very good idea, because at the moment there's a mismatch between your intentions and your actions and I think that accounting to yourself and to a therapist would help you start to match those up. It may be you can't do everything all at once as well, perhaps quitting one thing first, or tackling the relationship issue first might be a big step in itself. Staying off work to drink won't help anything, so I'd make sure you get some help in situ before you leap, if you can. Good luck with it all.

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:14

SlightlyJaded · 28/12/2023 22:13

Edited

Great idea! I will definitely do this if you will have me. Would be nice to have people to check in with.

OP posts:

cloudglazer · 28/12/2023 22:14

Find a therapist and get some help. Make sure you choose a well qualified and experienced one. It won't affect your job. Read "the myth of the untroubled healer" by Marie Adams. I really wish you well with your journey.

Blinkityblonk · 28/12/2023 22:15

I would also say that lots of medical professionals, including therapists/MH counsellors as well as medical doctors have addiction issues I think their rates are higher than the general population probably due to access and stress. So, even if if feels like the worst thing in the world to get found out, you won't be the first or the last, and there may be more support than you think. Don't let those fears stop you changing things, and there are also private therapists and support clubs online (e.g. Soberistas) that can be there for you.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 22:17

Go to cocaine anonymous OP. Don't tell anyone who would have a duty to report you.

You can sort this out. You have BPD, get to CA, get into a routine, start walking your dogs again. Delete all the numbers out your phone. Get a DBT workbook and work through it to refresh your dbt skills.

I don't think you'll dump the user guy without something else there for you. The loss of attachment will be too much. Instead of cutting him and everything else out try adding as many good things first.

PiggieWig · 28/12/2023 22:17

I thought a lot of recovery workers had lived experience. I’m no expert but I wouldn’t expect them to judge.

Definitely look at therapy and maybe some online groups - eg AA/NA. You can stay anonymous but get the support.

Posting here is the start for you. You can see where you want to be and it isn’t too late to turn the spiral back upwards. Good luck.

Original poster

lopertee · 28/12/2023 22:18

Thank you everyone. Reading all of your comments and taking on board all recommendations and advice. Particularly will order any books that may be helpful also so if you have any recommendations that would be great. I really appreciate you all being kind and I really do feel determined to make a massive change for me and my daughter. I apologise to her all the time for being a 'crap mum' she says I'm not but I know she deserves so much better. I need to do this.

OP posts:

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