To ask for help to sort this mess out?

[lopertee]

I am a complete mess at the moment. Everything is falling apart, except for work, that's the only thing going well as I am so good at masking but I am a fraud. I'll try bullet point it -

• I have a very professional job wherein I am helping people overcome addiction and mental health, yet I have a substance use problem myself - alcohol and cocaine. It isn't daily use but about twice a week I am binging on copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine and this is having an impact in all other aspects of my life. I have borderline personality disorder and very low self esteem but somehow have managed to get my qualifications and ended up in this role despite this. As I said, I am very good at masking and I think if you were to tell any of my colleagues what is going on in my home life they would be very shocked.

• I am seeing a guy who is quite openly using me for sex, however, it's like an addiction I cannot break. I continue to let him use me even though it's making me feel like shit.

• I am unhappy 95 percent of the time despite being on anti depressants. This is having an impact on my 10 year old daughter as I am really struggling to be present for her. I cry a lot and there's a depressive air in the home.

• my house is so untidy and I believe this is due to my alcohol/cocaine use as I am losing at least two days out of my week lying in bed and not doing any chores. Once again this is impacting my daughter.

• I have neglected everything that's good for me and that I used to enjoy, exercise/books/walks with the dogs etc.

• my finances are a mess due to the cocaine use and due to just not caring/keeping track.

I have really became a shell of myself and I genuinely believe this has been caused by my relationship with this man who has no idea any of this is going on. One year ago and I was on top of my game, I was genuinely happy, had my shit together. Was juggling loads but managing and actually enjoying it. I feel like I'm walking through mud just now.

I am 31, and the past couple of days I have decided I simply cannot continue my life on this path. Eventually I will lose everything. However, I have no idea where to even start. Everything seems so difficult.

I have a support system in my friends. I could afford private therapy but I worry if that will affect my job? If I tell the therapist the type of work I do. But I can no longer, in good conscience, give advice to clients when I am in the big mess I am in.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get out of this awful cycle? I believe I drink because I am so unhappy and overwhelmed it is the only way I know how to numb my emotions.

Also look at the addiction boards on MN - loads of support there. And I am sure reading recommendations too....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/substance_addiction_

You’re brave for sharing this OP. Well done for saying it out loud.

Agree with PPs that some time off work could be really helpful- but that you need to get some support in place first (NA/AA/therapist/friend). I have come up against a number of addictions in my life and can well imagine how easy and tempting it would have been for me to get signed off work without telling anyone the real reasons why, and then use that alone time to lose myself in my addictions.

But that time can be used to help you recover and get the support you need. It sounds like you have been able to support others with similar problems to you, so hopefully you can have faith in the treatments available and know that recovery is possible. All the best 💐

Using your own professional advice...

Get rid of the man,
therapy,
recovery groups/social groups,
self help books,
healthy eating,
exercise,
loads of self care

Can you commit to make 2 points of progress on this list each day...

so today you have
✔️ sought details of therapy
✔️ made steps in a social support network here on mumsnet.

Tomorrow you could look at other areas to progress:

• making sure you drink 2 litres of water each day
• walk 1000 more steps than you did yesterday / get to your 10000 a day
• start to read your favourite self help book
• mute the man in all forms of contact

Etc...

1 or 2 steps at a time. You will likely increase the pace once you get started... but 2 steps every day will give you an aim and something to track especially on the rough days.

This is really great practical advice, and makes me feel like I've already started doing something positive already. Tomorrows to dos seem doable and like you say, small steps at a time. Thank you so much.

You have absolutely started something positive for yourself here !

Absolutely first is fet rid of this man dump / end it make sure to block him after.

Try do something nice with your daughter so you know in your heart you are there for here and going to get better

Good luck you've got this <3

Oh, you poor thing. You MUST go to counselling, for you and your daughter's sake.
Best of luck

You've made the first big step today. There's loads of sound advice in the responses. Things will get better for you and your daughter if you remain focused and determined.
Wishing you both the very best xx

@lopertee your to-do list might be a little overwhelming..is there just one small thing you could change to start with? What change would be achievable and have an immediate impact on your wellbeing/quality of life? Just to start to build momentum? You don’t have to change everything for everything to change.

Also remember, you're human, I’m sure you help a lot of people as you have first hand experience of addiction issues. I think working with addiction is the one job role that really benefits from having lived experience.

I don’t have much experience with cocaine, but could you keep a log of how much/how often and cut down very very gradually until you are down to nothing at all? Is that a possibility?

Just wanted to say well-done for taking a big and brave step in sharing this. One day at a time 💐💪
My username means basically we all make mistakes in life. We learn from them and we move forward x

So come back later and tell us your 2 steps today...

Good Luck!

Write down all the feelings you feel after you take drugs/alcohol.

On a separate page write down the feelings you feel when you spend time with your daughter doing something fun.

Write down long term goals that you want (limit to 3).

Ask yourself which page is most likely to help you achieve your goals. Keep the pieces of paper. When you get an urge to drink/take drugs look at what you wrote about how you feel once you have done so.

I would recommend getting rid of the man first. Even though its not official, any loss can trigger a relapse.

Get rid of any alcohol in your house at the moment. And drugs.

Get to Holland and Barrett and get yourself some Trip drinks for any urges.

Keep yourself busy. Always have a plan as to what you are doing in the evening.

Seek out professional help for yourself through addiction charities/support groups.

I had a cocaine and alcohol problem for a few years in my 30s.

I moved 40 miles away to a town where I didn't know any dealers, which really helped me knock the coke on the head. Once I wasn't doing the coke, I cut down on the drinking but was still pissing it up a fair bit for another 10 years or so, until perimenopause meant that a skinfull gave me crippling migraines that were not only agony, but made me puke my guts up every time I ingested so much as a sip of water for 8-12 hours. And I found drinking

I do wonder if it might be easier to give them up one at a time though. Imo, alcohol and cocaine go together like nothing else. Get too pissed, a line of coke will sober you up a bit, get too wired from the coke and a big glass of wine will take the edge off.

It's 25-30 years since I last did some coke, and even now I could still fancy a line or two.

Good luck with it, OP.

Slow habit reforming. Make your plan to delete all the unhealthy things and replace with healthy things. Set your goals and mini goals. Now is the absolute best time you can do this.

• Ghost and block the User Guy, he can't be that good in bed, (get a decent vibrator, they can't emotionally abuse you.) Make plans to enjoy your time with your daughter instead, all the fun things you can do together.

• Make a finance plan that you can move forward with and what you'd like to do when you are financially stable.

• work towards eliminating the alcohol and drugs and increase nutrition and exercise. The exercise high is pretty amazing and completely guilt free.

You have a lot of work to do (as do we all) and it may seem like a mountain but it's small incremental things. Envision your life this time next year as you carry on down this path and then visualise the best version of you you want to be and keep that in mind. Fuck off the self doubt and negativity and boost those positives. You have all the tools, you know it already, it's your job. Be your own patient and success story. 🙌