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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s mum asking to take back gift to DD

68 replies

Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:38

A bit of a complex one here but my ex partner has ramped up his abusive ways over the past few weeks as I rejected his proposal to reduce CMS payments through fake “petrol” costs.
We are joining mediation next week and in the meantime his pettiness is becoming mind numbing. He keeps dropping DD back without her shoes for example because he bought them. Is keeping clothes in his car so she doesnt get to wear them without him. Won’t let her bring her new toys home that he gave her for Xmas.

The latest iteration of this is his mum (a Christian) has asked for the cross necklace she bought my DD back despite the fact DD lives with me full time and we agreed to keep it in her drawer. We agreed she wouldn’t wear it for the time being as she’s too young (17m) but also as we have not agreed on her religion.

AIBU to say I go back and say I would like to keep it here until the above has been agreed? I am
aware already she rarely respects my wishes for DD (eg forcing her to eat spicy food which gives her diarrhoea, using talcum powder on her despite me explaining the NHS advise against it, etc) and over the past few weeks both his mum and him have been awful and I don’t really feel it’s fair for them to force her to wear a cross without discussing between us first.

(We are having mediation just bc he wants to fight, everything he has asked I have already agreed to so the whole thing is wild!)

Input much appreciated!

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 28/12/2023 20:43

Don't get into a discussion about it.

Don't text or call her back and better yet, block her number.

You're being pulled into pettyness and I doubt you have time for it so remove yourself from the conversation.

The necklace stays at your house as it belongs to your DD and was a gift.

Don't give a reaction to this nonsense.

QuillBill · 28/12/2023 20:46

I wouldn't give a hoot if a seventeen month old child had access to a necklace. She's using it to get at you and you are falling for it.

Your dd isn't going to become a Christian because someone puts a necklace on her. I get it that you ate concerned that it's not safe for a child to wear a necklace it keeping this specific necklace at your house isn't going to stop that happening.

You need to make their game playing more boring for them.

hellojelly · 28/12/2023 20:47

I'm sure he's an arsehole for plenty of reasons but I'm not entirely sure it's for the reasons you state.

Plenty of kids have clothes and toys at separate houses. Why should he have the Christmas toys he's bought for her end up at your house? She'll have nothing to play with at his house which seems pointless.

Seems petty with the shoes but again, it's not unusual to have clothes at both houses, surely he can just send her back in the shoes she came in, and vice versa.

I also can't blame his mum for wanting the necklace back until the child is old enough to wear it. Plenty of ex DIL/MIL relationships go sour and you don't exactly seem to see eye to eye at the minute, would it really be a problem to give her the necklace back? What's the difference for you if it's in a drawer at your house instead of her house? From her point of view she's probably worried something precious she's bought will end up out of her control, whereas you lose nothing by giving it back.

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:49

@QuillBill you have read this situation well. It does get to me bc him and his mum have tried to make life hell for so long. His mum used to have a go at me when I was pregnant bc we had agreed on giving dd a double barrel surname, then suddenly my ex changed his mind bc of his mum and was shouting and threatening me over it too. So to give it back or just ignore!?

OP posts:
StrictlyJowita · 28/12/2023 20:49

A bit of a complex one

It isn't a complex one. You need to stop going in to the far end of things with them. You aren't in a relationship with him any more, you don't have to have a relationship with his mother at all.

chompargh · 28/12/2023 20:51

I think actually it's ok to give the necklace back for her to give to your daughter when she's older if she wants

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 20:53

Well personally I'd be giving back the cross. But also asking for the shoes and other things back. You DD does not care about the cross so easy enough to return.

So pick your battles, the cross isn't one of them

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:53

@hellojelly this is true and thank you for your response! It’s a frustrating situation when you are accommodating to all of your ex’s and ex MIL’s asks and they repay you with constant pettiness. Not even a Xmas card this year when I regrettably went over and above to give them both presents from my dd.

Totally agree on the shared clothes etc but when my DD is handed back to me with missing shoes out of pettiness it gets my back up. I would never let her dad pick her up without shoes or hold back “nice” clothes. So childish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:54

@StrictlyJowita i agree but I’ve been getting mixed messages and trying to be nice. One week she FT me to speak to DD, the next silence and then passively aggressively asking for her possessions back bc she knows we’re having mediation soon. Urgh.

OP posts:
Pacificisolated · 28/12/2023 20:55

Best not to respond to her at all. Your ex is likely using her as a puppet to continue his conflict.

@hellojelly Don’t be ridiculous. If the OP did the same and refused to send her child in clothing she had purchased, the poor girl would have to go to dads house naked.

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 20:56

She's your ex MIL. So stop buying her presents from your DD and stop with facetime etc. Not your mother and not your problem.

hellojelly · 28/12/2023 20:56

Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:53

@hellojelly this is true and thank you for your response! It’s a frustrating situation when you are accommodating to all of your ex’s and ex MIL’s asks and they repay you with constant pettiness. Not even a Xmas card this year when I regrettably went over and above to give them both presents from my dd.

Totally agree on the shared clothes etc but when my DD is handed back to me with missing shoes out of pettiness it gets my back up. I would never let her dad pick her up without shoes or hold back “nice” clothes. So childish.

Having a very similar ex I can sympathise completely, but half the time they'll be doing it for the rise out of you. Don't give them that satisfaction.

Give the necklace back, let ex MIL know that "it's probably best it stays with her as you don't feel DD will be wearing it for a long time, if ever, and with her living with me most of the time it makes sense that it's not here anyway."

Sounds cliché but just rise above everything else. His pettiness will be apparent to everyone.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 28/12/2023 20:57

Give it back. Follow up with a factual email. Block her.

did you give her a double-barralled name?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 28/12/2023 20:58

Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 20:53

@hellojelly this is true and thank you for your response! It’s a frustrating situation when you are accommodating to all of your ex’s and ex MIL’s asks and they repay you with constant pettiness. Not even a Xmas card this year when I regrettably went over and above to give them both presents from my dd.

Totally agree on the shared clothes etc but when my DD is handed back to me with missing shoes out of pettiness it gets my back up. I would never let her dad pick her up without shoes or hold back “nice” clothes. So childish.

Stop buying his family or him presents. Wtf? I dont do that for my inlaws and im married. Thats his job.

she can facetime the child when he has her. Stop facilitating that too.

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 21:00

@Pacificisolated funnily enough the message came through him 😂 “my mum asked…” so yes this is a joint effort from them both.

And exactly that. He also used to lecture me for the outfits she wore that I had bought. Apparently he doesn’t like leggings on 1 year olds, hmm.

OP posts:
Sciobai · 28/12/2023 21:01

Why on earth would you buy gifts from a 17 month old to anyone? Stop trying so hard to please and instead just keep a civil relationship with the father, no contact with the ex MIL (absolutely no need for contact there!) and yes, give back the necklace, your baby has no need for it currently. Don't rise to their pettiness.

hellojelly · 28/12/2023 21:01

Pacificisolated · 28/12/2023 20:55

Best not to respond to her at all. Your ex is likely using her as a puppet to continue his conflict.

@hellojelly Don’t be ridiculous. If the OP did the same and refused to send her child in clothing she had purchased, the poor girl would have to go to dads house naked.

I'm not being ridiculous, we see plenty of posts on here where mums send their kids in nice clothes and the dad sends them back in crap that doesn't fit. It can't be one rule for one and another for someone else. There's nothing wrong with the OP sending her daughter in clothes and expecting those same clothes to come back. It's not different the other way round.

Marmaladegin · 28/12/2023 21:02

I would give the necklace back and pick my battles. However if he really is giving her spicy food deliberately to give her diarrhoea when she's back with you, that would be a battle I'd have- that's abuse. If this is something you suspect/ might have happened once/ could have been from spicy food, you're being as nit-picky as him

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2023 21:03

Give it back don't sweat the small stuff but shoes are the child's ffs does he return her with none? I suppose I could understand clothing being changed but keeping shoes etc is not on

Buy cheap pumps to send her in more than one pair if he is set on removing clothing stock up on basic cheap joggers and tops make them less costly to replace

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 21:04

@hellojelly i really loved your line to ex MIL. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar, it’s incredibly stressful.

Yes I’m caught between trying to avoid pissing him off (he’s very volatile and has done things in the past like call SS to say he’s worried about DD’s weight just to cause stress over here - thankfully they looked into a realised straight away he was lying) and then being taken for a ride for being too nice. He asked to have DD one night a week, I agreed to keep the peace, now he wants to mediate and even the mediator doesn’t understand why. Usually I wouldn’t send a message like that but I’m realising that no matter what I do he’s going to try and make life hell so 🤷‍♀️.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 28/12/2023 21:05

I would give the cross back purely so that these petty people’s stuff isn’t in your house.

And no more presents for them or Father’s Day gifts until and unless dd is old enough to ask herself for help.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 21:05

Give back the necklace but don’t take it back in the future if she changes her mind. But I would stop communicating with her. Block her. You don’t need her toxicity.

QuillBill · 28/12/2023 21:05

I'd just send it back. She's asked for it back, send it back and don't say anything else about it. You have to stop reacting to this stuff.

You don't need to facilitate FaceTime or get anyone presents from a toddler. You shouldn't expect a Christmas card.

PillowRest · 28/12/2023 21:07

At 17 months a necklace is a choking hazard and strangulation hazard. For that reason alone I wouldn't be handing it over. They may buy another anyway, but at least you're not actively encouraging it.

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 28/12/2023 21:07

Thank you for these responses, I wish I’d come on here before getting the Xmas pressies! My ex made me feel bad bc I didn’t get him a present for his bday from my dd, this was just after we’d separated so I didn’t want to, so we agreed we’d do it going forward. Felt pretty humiliated to hand over the gifts and get no thank you and not even a card in return but I will definitely not be doing this again.

i think his mum and him enjoy this weird toxic up and down relationship - so bizarre

OP posts: