Ex’s mum asking to take back gift to DD

[Newmama2222]

A bit of a complex one here but my ex partner has ramped up his abusive ways over the past few weeks as I rejected his proposal to reduce CMS payments through fake “petrol” costs.
We are joining mediation next week and in the meantime his pettiness is becoming mind numbing. He keeps dropping DD back without her shoes for example because he bought them. Is keeping clothes in his car so she doesnt get to wear them without him. Won’t let her bring her new toys home that he gave her for Xmas.

The latest iteration of this is his mum (a Christian) has asked for the cross necklace she bought my DD back despite the fact DD lives with me full time and we agreed to keep it in her drawer. We agreed she wouldn’t wear it for the time being as she’s too young (17m) but also as we have not agreed on her religion.

AIBU to say I go back and say I would like to keep it here until the above has been agreed? I am
aware already she rarely respects my wishes for DD (eg forcing her to eat spicy food which gives her diarrhoea, using talcum powder on her despite me explaining the NHS advise against it, etc) and over the past few weeks both his mum and him have been awful and I don’t really feel it’s fair for them to force her to wear a cross without discussing between us first.

(We are having mediation just bc he wants to fight, everything he has asked I have already agreed to so the whole thing is wild!)

Input much appreciated!

You're in the same situation I was 10 years ago. It was both infuriating and depressing. You doubt every single interaction and lose sight of your own judgement. I really do understand, you'll look back and see him for the sad man that he is, and take solace in the fact you didn't let him get to you (outwardly)!

If he wants to keep the shoes he bought, send her in some cheap pumps, and he can return her in those. I don't agree he needs to send her home with all his Christmas presents just because she lives with you, he'll still need toys there, but if he's anything similar to my ex you'd daughter will eventually notice when she asks to take one insignificant thing to your house and he kicks off, or she has to deal with pettiness like "I bought you that jumper and you've left it at your mum's."

Countless times I had to go and buy more plain trackies, pumps, t-shirts to send my daughter to her dad's in. I resented spending the money. But what your daughter will remember, like mine does, is that you were calm, not phased and made sure regardless of what he did you provided her with everything she needed.

He’s being an absolute bellend but pick your battles. Pack the cross and send it with her next time.
Also text him (so there’s a paper trail) saying that as he is very concerned with dd bringing anything he has purchased in to your home you will be sending a spare outfit with her to ensure she doesn’t come home missing crucial parts of an outfit (such as shoes) in the future. When she leaves take a picture of what she’s wearing and a picture of the items you are packing.
I’d also start a diary to record these things in when they happen.
The more evidence the better as while it’s tempting to get in to it with him the best revenge will be letting him be embarrassed in meditation by his bellend ways.
Finally are you working with a domestic abuse charity? If not I’d highly recommend contacting one. The local ones can offer face to face one to one support normally. Also do the freedom programme online course. Both of these things will give you more knowledge to be able to make a note of when his behaviour can be considered abusive.

give the cross back, unless it’s really cool or she genuinely finds Christiananity she’ll probably never wear it anyway.

As for everything else For now just roll your eyes and play along.

oh she has no shoes on, thats odd …

he’s literally 6 months away from dd starting to express her own feelings, she’ll refuse spicy food she’ll start to strop if dad’s bought her something and won’t let her take it to you. If he persists in being an idiot he’s not going to develop a long term relationship with her and it’s not your job to facilitate that.

Stop communicating with your ex mil. She isn't your problem any more! Your ex can sort facetime and arrange visits on his time. No more presents or favours for her!

I'd send her an email stating, she can take your daughter's gift back if she really wants to. You'll put it in your daughter's bag for next visit to her father's.

Next time she asks for anything, tell her she should direct that to her son.

Then ignore any further communication. She's no doubt shot herself in the foot there!

As for your ex, act as if it's water off a ducks back. Be breezy and avoid getting into petty arguments (which is what he wants). Maybe look into grey rock techniques when it comes to communicating with him?

If he's openly hostile or abusive to you, maybe start communicating only through email/solicitors regarding your daughter. He can take you to court if he thinks his child maintenance should decrease because of petrol costs. He can explain to a judge why your daughter can't take her gifts home.

Chin up OP. It must be tough coparenting with an absolute twat.

@hellojelly thank you for this advice, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone although again I am sorry you’ve had to deal with something so similar. A bit off topic but did your ex threaten court / mediation as a means to throw you off? I’ve been trying to keep the peace to avoid these as they scare me and I keep reading so many stories about the court system with an abusive ex. My ex has a lot of recorded history of DV from pregnancy and beyond of his abuse and part of me wants to raise it again as he has frequently told me he believes in physical punishment of children, but then I’m nervous to open another can of worms with him as he will retaliate.

My ex made me feel bad bc I didn’t get him a present for his bday from my dd, this was just after we’d separated so I didn’t want to, so we agreed we’d do it going forward.

Yes, I imagine he did because he was using that as something that he could criticise you for and have an argument.

You can't keep this up for the next sixteen years. Parents evenings, GCSE options...it's all to come.

Thank goodness for mumsnet. You have all made me realise I’m not going crazy and I’m not alone. Thank you thank you!! ❤️❤️ I’ve got to stop falling for these games

That would be great, thank you. It's a weight off my mind knowing I don't have to worry about losing it. Thank you so much.

it'll piss them off so much!

@StrictlyJowita it’s like you know him. The criticise and arguments part 😭 too accurate

Yes he did, every time I did/said something that didn't give him the reaction he expected I was threatened with "I'll see you in court." He never actually did, in the end I actually took him to court after a few incidents happened in his care. Court isn't something I'd go into lightly, it took a huge mental toll on me but don't give in to your ex just because of fear of the court process. If it will put your mind at rest, visit a family solicitor with all your concerns, with any proof of what he's saying and see what they advise. It may be in your interest to actually take him to court and get things nailed down in a legal document. My honest advice is just take it day by day/contact by contact, his mother is his problem to deal with, not yours, so just ignore her. One day you'll look back and see how pathetic he really is, and he'll look back and see a fractured relationship with his own daughter.

Stop having anything to do with ex mil, definitely don't buy gifts from child to your ex and family (seriously, the did you do that?) and send the necklace back in a bit of loo roll with a message saying that you have no issue with sending it back. After all, you've bought DD a religious necklace of her own that means much more.

Omg I’m crying with laughter 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'd go round the ex mil house, knock on the door and hand it to her, say:

ex let me know that you wanted dd's necklace back - here it is. No drama, calm, polite.

Then leave.

Don't give her the drama she craves.
The necklace is simply a piece of junk that you don't need.

Do raise the dv and that he’s threatened smacking. Be clear in mediation that all agreements are void if he’s hitting your child.

Mine used to have to change clothes in the car in public car park ( 1 of them being a teen). 😑

His mother ‘forces’ a 17 month old child to eat spicy food?

He tells you he believes in physical punishment of children?

Who cares about a necklace ?!

Is the mediation leading to a court order for access? I don’t know what is possible in terms of restricting his access, but I would want him supervised at a contact centre or something.

@BrimfulOfMash well this is exactly it. He also told me he wished I was dead when I was 9 months pregnant but seems to have a knack to ensuring people he’s a good guy and not abusive. Re the food, he claims it’s normal because he’s of African heritage, my DD’s bowl movements say otherwise. He was also beaten as a child and believes in harsh punishment because of it; so yes I will bring this up along with the smacking threat in mediation. At the moment he has her one night a week taking DD to his mums down the road. I was comforted by that and the idea she wasn’t too far away (although from ex mil’s recent behaviour I’m not sure why) but now he’s wanting to take Dd to his flat in london over an hours drive away which I’m nervous about. Haven’t brought up the smacking etc with him yet as I as get to do it with a third party present but it will likely go to court as he’s not going to accept a no to taking DD to London and I’m not confident with him doing it for obvious reasons. Other mums have suggested me initiating court for this so while the idea terrifies me it probably is necessary..

The clothes stuff seems petty but this is why we have separate clothes. Stuff I had bought would go to my ex’s and I would never ever see it again so now they have to come home in what they went in and I never send extra clothes. Rain jackets must be put back in a certain pocket of their backpacks because they do move between homes and that he seems to understand. If I do send them in nice clothes for an event because he hasn’t organised any, I have to take a photo of the children so I have the evidence of the clothes I am asking for back. I don’t know why he is so weird about clothes so it is just easier not to mix them up.

I'd give it back

I’ve written this down, thank you. I’m intrigued to see how he reacts in mediation when this is raised. Either denial or attempting to joke about it. Luckily I have it on text message

The sound like utter twats. Let them keep the shit they bought her. And to add, nobody needs to decide on your daughter's religion, she can do that herself when she's old enough.

Let them have the cross, it does not mean anything to you or your daughter. Rise above them and be the bigger person.

I thought mediation was not advised in cases of abuse?

Mediation in abuse cases is not advised as the abuser uses it to further abuse.

I asked this and the mediation company said they usually try to deal with it through a shuttle room (each person in a different zoom room.) when you say further abuse you mean manipulating the mediator or how else out of interest @Allofaflutter ?