To find being a working mum sometimes really tough

[Maybaby12]

I work full time and have a 19 month old.

I have been really unlucky, and maybe it's more common than I think but for the last year I've had bug after bug since my child started nursery. On second cold of the month with a hacking cough and sore throat. Had bloods done and there's nothing else going on, just catching it all

She is also not sleeping well the last month, I don't know what the hell has happened but she's waking multiple times a night and it's been awful.

I'm absolutely shattered. I work full time, and I'm on my knees with illnesses, no sleep. DH helps a bit but I feel I carry more of the load.

I'm finding work really hard, and eventually I would like to to progress at work but I don't know how I'll ever manage to do that with being ill all the time.

Is feeling this tired normal? Did you have to just plod along at work until they get older?

I don't recognise myself anymore, and it's getting me down.

Yes, mine are school aged but it's still so hard. I just get by each week and can't really see an end to it.

I feel the same except my child is 10 months

It gets better. Hang in there

I saw a social media post the other day from a woman saying how lucky she is to be a SAHM and listing the things she goes without to allow for it - false nails, highlights, massages, spa days and having cleaners. She could work and have these things, she said, but they weren’t worth being away from her DC (fair enough) but it was clear that, to her, these are the reasons that any mother would work. Of course her DH works to ‘provide’.

I have always worked and, apart from the highlights, have none of these things. We could afford them but I don’t want them. I work for financial independence and because I enjoy my job.

The post made me so angry.

Yep, it's just sexist bullshit.
It never fails to amaze me how often that narrative gets used on threads like this.

This time of year is horrendous! I came back from mat leave last Jan but the couple of months beforehand everyone in the household was ill one after another then back around again for a good couple of months. I couldn’t see how it was going to work with me back at work as well. But the spring came and it did get better, the illnesses faded and we all got into a better routine
Not easy, sending support 🩷

It's exhausting when they are little. Mine went to a child minder which I think was better - they mixed with fewer children than at nursery & they caught hardly any bugs. Also as we're both teachers they did get school holiday off to recuperate from the daily grind.

Can you manage any help like a cleaner? Also can either of you go down to 4 days/week? A day home to catch up makes a big difference.

When we were in this position, DH and I used to take it in turns to do a ‘night shift’ and get up with the DC. We would sleep separately and whoever’s turn it was would have the baby monitor with them and do all the night wakings. That way, no matter how bad a night you’d had, you always knew you’d be getting an uninterrupted sleep the next night. It really does need to be equal when you’re both FT.

Like other posters I remember the toughest times were the nursery years. Sure, primary school age bracket has challenges, but they are different and there’s a lot to be said for having older kids watch Netflix and chill quietly when off sick rather than cling to your bosom and throw up over you like a toddler!

Things that helped me, in case any of these are options:

1. One (or both of you) consider going part time. Just 1 day a week made a difference to my MH and keeping up with household chores. You could do 1 day for 1 person or each do half a day a week. I found the loss of pay was largely offset by the saving on nursery bills.
2. Ask for help, from friends and family if you can, not for regular childcare but for a day of weekend childcare every now and then for a day off. Bonus if overnight too. Use that day to relax, spend time sleeping or with your OH, recharge. We don’t have family locally so any child free overnights are like gold dust.
3. Reverse lie ins. Rather than curse the early wake ups, go to bed early to get in the sleep your body needs. I’ve been to bed at 7.30pm before in order to prepare for the inevitable multiple night wakings
4. Meal plan for a few nights ahead. My brain can’t cope with a week plan sometimes but there’s no rule it has to be a weekly plan and a weekly shop, so do 3-4 days then get another shop. Eases the mental load a little.
5. Get your OH on ALL the newsletters/email/parent apps/whatsapp groups for nursery (and eventually school). Let him get all the reminders and updates too. Share an iPhone calendar for you to both add/manage. This has saved us recently where I’ve been head down in work and he’s been juggling the inset days/sports clubs/birthday party logistics. I’ve not had to tell him as he has the same information as me from day 1
6. If money allows, see if you can stretch to a cleaner/ironing service, whichever you detest the most. Even 2hrs once a fortnight will make a huge dent in your to do list. Appreciate that might not be an option but if it is, do it.
7. It’s a cliche, but remember it is a phase. Year R brings new challenges, school holiday logistics, friendship politics, school day hours, homework and reading. Relentless still, but not so raw and physically exhausting.

My DD is the same age ish.

i went back FT and initially thought it was going to be okay.
it was not….

weirdly the only thing making life easier is I am pregnant again so the workload and expectations at work are lower as “there’s no point” involving me in new work streams.

I have also been chronically ill and thus totally unreliable since September.
this is not who i am… I’m a “star performer” who always delivers and doesn’t take more than a day or two sick leave per year.
except that this year I have taken 6 weeks sick leave in total😵😵😵

my dds sleep went to hell in a handbasket at about 15/16m in summer with 2-3 wakings a night.
I felt knackered all the time and would be unable to formulate coherent answers to quotations in meetings with my boss. it was horrendous.

we were then almost back on track with sleep and autumn came. She and I have had at least 6 different colds and viruses. She’s also had various other gross toddler illnesses that all wrecked her sleeping and everyone in the house enjoyed some norovirus in November 🤮

I have no clue how anyone does it and am frankly terrified of going back into FT work with 2 under 3 after this pregnancy

Problem with that is you'll still get them all when they start school.

It's shit op but it passes.

Sympathies, OP. The first couple of years of nursery is like this; they get everything. By the time they get to school, it's a bit easier. It gets a lot easier once they start to understand the connection between hygiene practices and illnesses, and they willingly wash their hands and stop coughing in each others faces. I hope you can shame your partner into pulling his weight more.

DD is 4 in Feb and been in nursery since 8 months. The first winter was the worst and I feel like she's only just started sleeping through! Except predictably she was up for 2 hours in the night last night. Today was the only day I had work.
I've always been ft. Things will get easier. But whilst they do:

1. Cleaner if you can afford it - we did the maths and it was cheaper to pay for cleaner/nursery than drop a day at work
2. If you can afford it, all the short cuts - cordless hoover/spray mop to keep on top of the house if this is every 2 weeks or you have pets plus frozen veg, microwave rice, lazy garlic etc etc (I cook 99% of our food but reduce prep time where I can, see 3!)
3. Slow cooker & taming twins recipes

(The last has saved my sanity - I usually have ~month of frozen home cooked meals as there's about 20 minutes to get dinner on the table as we get in). I feel like I'm just getting my groove back but have a particularly useless 'D'H

YANBU at all - it is very tough when you work full time, let alone when they keep catching bugs.

I am in the USA in an area with a large IT economy. A lot of families from India bring their MIL who is cooking, cleaning and helping with kids. Builders are now building many local homes with MIL suites. Not suggesting this as an option but more to show that other cultures recognize how much time and energy parenting young children takes. You are basically during the jobs of 3 adults with 2.

You are at the worst bit really.its the hard age where they are all the worst bits of being a toddler but they can't talk properly yet and still have nappies etc, its all exhausting.

Can you drop even 1 day at work? It makes a huge difference. And get your DH to properly do his share.

You have to constantly remind yourself This is temporary. If you can just get through it it gets loads better.

DH helps a bit but I feel I carry more of the load

Stop using the word help - this implies that it is your responsibility and he chips in when he can/wants to.

He should be doing half. Half the night wakes, half the days off when she cannot go to nursery, half the drop offs and collects and half the housework.

You are me last winter. This winter has so far been so much better plus I’m pregnant so thought I’d end up even worse but I’ve only caught one cold and one sickness bug. I don’t know if it’s placebo but I feel loads better since drinking Actimel and taking a multivitamin.

Just keep plodding on (and make DH do more).

Interesting that this thread acknowledges how challenging work and kids can be and how expensive life is yet on other threads single mums are torn to shreds and called lazy spongers for needing universal credit, having childcare issues that limit their work hours or simply being exhausted dealing with everything alone and needing a break.

I'm sorry that's been you experience, if I had to work full time and was an only parent I couldn't do it.

My son's medical issues, my daughter's nursery hours, all freedom to choose a job would be gone and all onus would be on finding one that fit.

So it maybe be a Mumsnet thing to diminish single mothers whether working or not but OMG I definitely want to state that I do not! If you're a single mum regardless of whether you're working you're incredible, I hope you have support because while work and money are important support, real life support must make the biggest difference.

Yeah it’s not ideal is there no way you could stop working or work evenings for a few years ?

No advice. 3 under 4 here and on our second sickness bug in 3 days, and they had colds in between that they were all sent home from nursery with. I’m currently in bed with one dc, and DH is sleeping on the floor of the other bedroom with the sick bowl ready. It feels relentless at the moment and I’m just thankful we are off for Christmas. The taking time off/ having dc at home ill whilst trying to work before Christmas was getting ridiculous.

It's always the way. People have all the sympathy in the world for women with partners and in their case being a SAHP is "the hardest job in the world" but if a single mum, who has NO one else to support her financially or emotionally, doesn't work she's a lazy sponger.

Quite frankly it's why I, as a lone parent since DS was a baby struggle to have sympathy any more after all the judgement thrown my way over time. Life is what it is, all you can do is get on with it.

I went back to work when mine were 4/5 months old, but only part time.
Even that was hell on legs.
All family help was for working hours so I never asked for help or babysitting outside of work.
I remember one time finding a hidden away place at work and curling up on the floor just to close my eyes for a few moments!

On the other side, you will make it through. I am now enjoying having older dc who actually help out with housework!

Exactly this, this was my point early on. Communal living is the way people have been living since time began, caves, tribes, villages, extended family. The way we live now is not natural if you think about it, and the quicker we actually acknowledge that the better. As we move to this individualistic society, ultimately we all lose out. You don't see this in the animal kingdom. (Not to say I'd want to live with my MIL, but I see how we have basically 'gone wrong' as a society).

Yes. Sorry. It will improve.