To find being a working mum sometimes really tough

[Maybaby12]

I work full time and have a 19 month old.

I have been really unlucky, and maybe it's more common than I think but for the last year I've had bug after bug since my child started nursery. On second cold of the month with a hacking cough and sore throat. Had bloods done and there's nothing else going on, just catching it all

She is also not sleeping well the last month, I don't know what the hell has happened but she's waking multiple times a night and it's been awful.

I'm absolutely shattered. I work full time, and I'm on my knees with illnesses, no sleep. DH helps a bit but I feel I carry more of the load.

I'm finding work really hard, and eventually I would like to to progress at work but I don't know how I'll ever manage to do that with being ill all the time.

Is feeling this tired normal? Did you have to just plod along at work until they get older?

I don't recognise myself anymore, and it's getting me down.

I think you're missing the part where a lot of families are working full time just to make ends meet? I would consider a camping holiday a luxury and both me and DH work FT in reasonable jobs. It's just not possible to survive on one income for most households. I don't think there's many women working for a fancy holiday!

It's a weird double standard thing that comes up often on threads like this.

Men are praised for working, they have their ''big jobs'' and are heroes for providing for the family. They often don't even have to do night feeds because 'they work'.

Women work for materialistic reasons only such as luxury holidays and big houses because holidays and big houses are clearly more important to them than their children.

I agree, it isn't easily possible nowadays at all. Society just isn't set up for it. The kind of adjustments it requires can be enormous, if it's even possible at all.

I did it as a lone parent with no help. You know, to pay the bills and that. It's difficult but I really don't think it's as difficult as people make out. Depends what sort of job you have though and if you're expected to work over your contracted hours.

I never suggested she as the mother should quit her job. I said "parent", not "mother".

You may not but generally, it is absolutely the implication.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband to get what you're both doing equal and don't have another baby until it's sorted. You need to get on top of it or you'll be doing the majority of the work forever. Primary school years are a huge juggle due to the shorter hours than nursery and both parents need to be fully sharing the whole load.

I agree. I actually ended up ill. Signed off with stress and exhaustion when the kids were 4 and 2. I needed 3 weeks to reset. I leaned out, kept my hand in and just powered through. I also did all the mental load.

It got better when the youngest started school.

They're now 7 and 9. It's SO much easier. I've since been promoted twice and I'm 100% in and focussed.

Hang on in there.

The solution is both parents earning enough for a decent quality of life working part time with 50/50 childcare and housework each to make it more manageable. Supported by society until school age. It’s a relentless endurance for the first five years and an impossible feat.

That way financial independence is retained and equality is enhanced.

There is a reason why my friends in Asia are refusing to get married or have children. Why would you sign up to this level of suffering willingly?!

This year has been worse than usual. My dc have been ill on a loop since September - literally non stop and not nursery age.

But as the gender pay gap and unequal pay mean that in most families women earn less, it typically falls to the woman nonetheless.

It’s always been this way for the majority of people throughout history. The idea of a SAHM being at all ‘normal’s very recent and culture-specific.

OP, your DH needs to do far more.

Is there any reason why your dh is not doing 50%? It should be equal op.

I have two kids (10 and 6) and I’ve always worked full time.

my husband has worked away a lot too and I distinctly remember when my elder DS was about 16 months I came home on a cold and wet night to a cold house after picking him up from childcare and I sat in my jacket on the couch crying while he sat in his high chair watching TV. I actually think that night I gave him Nutella pancakes for dinner because I was so exhausted from everything.

but, he’s 10 now and basically only needs me to put on the oven for him to make dinner and take him places in the car 🤣 he’s very independent and that night is a million miles away although I remember it very clearly as I’d been battered with illness, tiredness and FT work.

my second DS slotted in btw and my standard were MUCH lower when he arrived.

keep going and you’ll look back in years to come with a sense of solidarity for other mums who are going through it.

I should also add that FT work is a lot OP. You only have two days at the weekend and you’re torn between “making memories” with your kids and keeping your house under control.

I have friends who work PT (3 days a week) and they’ve tried to compare it with FT work but having taken many holidays over the head to work 3 days for various things I can confirm FT work batters you like nothing else.

The first year back is hell, and if you have a child as I do with an underlying illness there's a new level of hell.

Things that help

1. Growing a thicker skin, I cannot stress enough how much management teams don't give a flying fig about your trials and difficulties. It doesn't matter if you worked 90 hour weeks before and were the top employee they will treat you like you're an imbecile. There is no grace. I wish I'd been told this first time round because second time round I've given myself the grace I need and actively said 'this will get better and I intend to be here for decades however I require grace within the law right now'

1. Make sure your oh is doing his fair share.

1. Look at what your family and you can realistically do, I ended up reducing hours and life is much more manageable so between youake sure you have enough decent paid childcare andake changes if needed to either or both schedules. I reduced hours and my husband struck a deal to WFH the days I work so drop offs and pick ups are on him.

1. It will pass, they eventually sleep. The tiredness, the messy house, the inability to eat well everyday, I think that's because my eldest has health issues and suspected ADHD but some of it is definitely just parenting young kids

It feels like a hard time because it is, everyone needs to find a way through and I wish it was easier for women to get through that first year or 2.

How anyone manages full time work and pre school aged children I don't know. I couldn't, something had to give and it was working hours or my long term mental and physical health. So I genuinely mean this, well done for managing! I'm on awe of those who can.

It’s shit OP. For me the solution was to change jobs for one that was willing to let me work very flexibly and slightly part time. I’ve also accepted that it might take me a bit longer to progress to senior positions. And I really shouldn’t compare myself to others in that regard. If you are as run down physically as you describe I’d seriously consider going to the GP and getting signed off for a couple of weeks to recover. Be kind to yourself and remember they aren’t little forever.

I saw a social media post the other day from a woman saying how lucky she is to be a SAHM and listing the things she goes without to allow for it - false nails, highlights, massages, spa days and having cleaners. She could work and have these things, she said, but they weren’t worth being away from her DC (fair enough) but it was clear that, to her, these are the reasons that any mother would work. Of course her DH works to ‘provide’.

I have always worked and, apart from the highlights, have none of these things. We could afford them but I don’t want them. I work for financial independence and because I enjoy my job.

The post made me so angry.

If you and your husband both work full time (I couldn't care less who earns more):

1. you both share night feeds and wakings
2. you both share sick days due to child not being well

It's incredibly hard and some jobs make it even harder. You might not be ready to hear this, but for some of us, it does get easier.
Mine are nearly 13 and 7 and you do find a way/ a groove somewhat.
No real advice but didn't want to read and run.

I am so with you and thank you for the post. It's so rough trying to be a good mum and perform well at work at the same time. It's relentless. Something has to give - for me work is giving and it's really tough seeing myself as bad at the job and underperforming. There is so much pressure on women even with relatively supportive dh it's harder for him to get time off for childcare.
If a woman wants to have a career and support her family financially and achieve she should be able to! But this system stacks everything against it. How are you supposed to manage on no sleep taking constant time off for illness. Feeling guilty at work and guilty at home

That's exactly how it was for me with huge guilt back at work where bosses allowed themselves to roll their eyes and ask others:"whats wrong with her again?" whenever nursery would call to pick up a feverish child early. But my household needed to full salaries so we had to grin and bear it.... My child would have periods of good sleeping and sleep regression when we moved houses until she was about 7!

Your DH needs to step up, frankly.

I honestly thought I’d written this thread, but my little one is 17 months.

Its awful, stressful, I’m tired of being ill, my brain is in overdrive with all the things we need to do to keep our family/working lives running.

It would've made me angry too.

God forbid a woman actually enjoy her career.