to not want to bother with DH's family anymore?

[whyarefamiliessodifficult]

Have namechanged for this, as reckon SIL might be an mner.

This could get quite long, so bear with me (or not, actually, you'd probably be better off having a cuppa instead )

Background: Dh & I have been married for 7 years, and have 2 dc. This is dh's second marriage, his first broke up years before I was on the scene. He has 2 dcs from first marriage, we all get on well, and I have a good relationship with my sdcs. Relations with dh's ex are not so good, and could be described as strained (although we are all able to get together for major family events, and none of us would ever make a scene)

The issue: dh and I have noticed, over the years, that we are not invited to any of his brother's family events/occasions. BIL's first child was born before I was with dh, and dh went to christening etc. BIL second child was born just before we got maried, and we were not invited to the christening. Dh's ex was. (actually, we were invited, but were given about a weeks notice, and since we lived in Africa at the time that wasn't really good enough. Ironically, we had flights back booked for the week following the event, and couldn't change them at the last minute). We tried to brush this aside, and hoped it was an oversight.

BIL's third child was born a couple of years later, and this time we had no notice of the christening at all (and still no mention of it 4 years later). again, dh's ex was invited.

When we moved back form Africa 3 years ago, we stayed at BIL's for a few days. THis was an awkward time, where I felt as though I was very much in the way in the house (dh out at work all day, just me and dc1 (4 months old) there). BIL hardly spoke to me at all, and could barely bring himself to look at me. SIL would chat quite happily, then get up and get the children ready and go out (eg to the park), and never once ask us along, which I thought strange, but again put it aside.

The following week, due to a mix up in communications (in which BIL was involved) we ended up with nowhere to stay. It was 8pm by the time we found this out, had grumpy overtired baby so called them to see if we could stay for the night and got told no. No explanation, no apology, just no.

We have just heard via PIL about BIL's eldest dc's holy communion. Dh was upset that we were not being invited again, and has raised the issue with his brother. The initial comeback was along the lines of "no, we do not favour dh's ex over present wife". Odd, we thought, as dh had not mentioned ex at all, just said that we were sad that we were not being invited, and wondered whether there was a problem.

Dh & brother met up on Friday to talk it all through, and the gist of what has come back this time is "well, we don't really like XXXX".

I know that they have been discussing me and my family with dh's ex (some info that stepchildren knew got fed back to us via BIL), and whilst I obviously have no say in who they are friends with (and don't honestly care) it does bother me that I am being talked about in a negative light with no means of defence. They also talk about me (and dh) negatively in front of dh's children, which I also think is not on.

We have now been (grudgingly) invited to the holy communion, but I'm not sure I want to be bothered with going. My elder child has SN, and whilst very well behaved on the whole, does provide fodder for those who want to snipe (which they would appear to want to do).

AIBU to just thik "stuff the lot of them"?

BIL has also said that we should draw a line under it all and move forward - surely if this is what he actually wanted, he would not ahve sat there and told dh that he just doesn't like me? Having thought carefully about this, the only time I would say that to someone was if I didn't want to bother seeing them again.

Then again, I don't really want to be the cause of a family rift between dh and his brother, especially since I haven't actually done anyhting except marry dh!

"no, we do not favour dh's ex over present wife".

A guilty person always gives themselves away.

Who do they not really like? You?

BTW I think namechanging might not be enough as you have given out a lot of info. I hope your SIL doesn't see it.

my inclination would indeed be to say stuff the lot of them

but your other alternative is to go and be gracious and sweet and act like it's all water off a duck's back and doesn't bother you .. although I'm afraid that might take a stronger person than me to acheive with any credibility.

They do sound rather horrifically biased towards ex .. but then they probably grew up with that marriage and those children, and you were in Africa

Have you ever invited BIL and family to your house? Tried to build bridges? That might be an option

sorry, this is a tricky one

if it was me, i would ignore the lot of them. i have had similar situations involvings DH's ex (from when they were teenagers) and my MIL. At first it really upset me - but you know what?? They deserve each other. I don't need them in my life, they are not positive people and therefore no use to me. I have enough on my plate without people being unreasonable and trying to put me down for doing my best.

It sounds like possibly the ex is stirring this? Talking about like/dislike infront of children is very low; and shows they have little understanding of adult conversation IMO.

Also: Do you really want to be friends with your DH's brother? Truly? or just becuase of your DH?

Only namechanged so that SIL doesn't find out usual posting name - don't care if she knows I'm talking about her - she can see what it feels like

Yes, the person they simply don't like is me.

We have invited them here, and have been to their house for lunches etc, have spent Christmas at theirs too. It all seems lovely and cordial when we do meet, and apart from the missed invites etc, and a couple of very obvious sidings with dh's ex, we would not have realised the scale of the problem, but now it is out there, in the open.

agree, Twig that the gracious option is the best route, but just not sure I can be bothered with it. We all know that we can all be polite to each other, but we will also all equally know that it is a sham.

Let them be nice to you - ignore them until they start to behave towards you with respect.

It is very rude of them not to invite you to family events.

I think they should invite your step children as they are their neices/nephews, however if they are too young to go to such events without an adult then your dh can accompany them.

There is no need for them to invite your dh's ex and exclude you and your dh.

Unfortunately, in life we meet people we like and those we like less, it may well be that they prefer the ex, however you are your dh's wife and your dc are their nieces/nephews.

Well, if her SIL does see it, she (and her family) should be ashamed of themselves. It appears that they have taken against the OP without really knowing her at all. Her BIL has behaved dreadfully and is clearly being fed stuff by the ex - otherwise why would he act this way?

Presumably the ex has been invited to the communion and they are hoping that the OP and her dh won't be there in order to avoid awkwardness. But surely the BIL's loyalty should be towards his brother, not his brother's ex?

...but it can't be just you surely? I mean they are excluding a blood relative (your DH) and inviting his ex?????
Perhaps they felt they had to choose (in some weird way that some people do) between two partners who divorced and bizarrely chose the ex wife over his own brother?
Is there a problem betwen the two brothers?
Is it the wife of your BIL who does the inviting, and SHE does not like you?
I really don't like my SIL but I would not exclude my brother from any of our big gatherings, but she damn well excludes me from hers.
I suspect as you were abroad the SIL and the ex wife got chummy and so SIL/BIL feel they can invite one not both so chose the ex wife.
And it's very crappy of them to say they don't like you, does that mean by extension they have banished DH and DCs from their intimate circle?

I must admit I would feel like "stuff them".
The big issue is they ask the ex wife and mother of cousins but not his own brother and your children who are also valid cousins. It's fishy, and also unkind.

God point, scorpio, I'm not sure I would want to be friends with them, but dh and BIl were very close before we got married (and I do strongly fel it's the married bit that is the problem - they were friendlier to me when dh & I were just going out - so yes, think ex is stirring madly in the background).

I think what saddens me is the loss of family for dh and my dcs. I have very few family members anyway, and BIL's 3 dcs are my dcs only hope of cousins really. My stepchildren are much older than my dcs, and so are other BIL's children.

I do also dislike the fact that, in BIL's eyes, my stepchildren are seen as more valid nephews/neices than my dcs (over protective mothering instinct coming out - my children are every bit as valid thank you very much)

I can see this is upsetting for you but, at least he was honest. It sounds like you have suspected that the issue they had was with you. Fwiw I think he's be upfront about how he feels and its up to you to decide if you want to be around someone who doesn't like you. I wouldn't.

Hmmmm. Difficult. I think that you probably need to go to the communion, and be sweet and gracious, especially since the issue was raised with them. I know it sounds horrible, but is there anyone who could look after DS during the actual ceremony? I certainly don't advocate keeping him out of the way for the whole day, but this would not give them a chance to snipe.

In a way you are quite lucky thet have been so honest (I know it doesn't feel like that!). It gives you an opportunity to something to them, like 'I'm glad we have an opportunity for a fresh start'. (No matter what you are thinking inside!!!! Remember, smile & be gracious!)

Who knows what will happen long term.

God, I'm glad to see it's not just me being paranoid

Am happy to accept that they know and like dh's ex more than me (although they ahve hardly given me a fair run), and as I said originally, if they want to remain friendly with her, then so be it (and dh feels the same)

BUT to the extent of excluding dh? and their younger neices/nephews? That's when I start having a problem.

we are truly mystified as to why they would have chosen dh's ex over dh, dh had a very close relationship with his brother before we got married

it's the wives that do the inviting, I had a close male friend and after he got married I was totally excluded from any do at his house, his wife did not like me.
He sided with his wife...have not seen him in 7 years.
She also excluded his best friend from all social gatherings, he used to turn up at the door then sit in his car in the drive until said friend came out and they went off to the pub, he was never allowed int he house.
I refused to do that but apparently that was the only way they could socilaise as his wife banned all the old friends from the house.

I sympathise with your situation

Could it be that dh's family think of you as the homewrecker who split up his first marriage? Or were you on the scene long after the divorce? It sounds like they are Catholics so may have views like that, if applicable.

I was not involved in the first marriage break-up (was 7 years before I even met dh).

They are Catholics (as am I), but profess to have no problems with second marriages

I think we don't get invited because dh's ex implies (and she does this well) that she would not go if we are, or that dh's children would not be able to go (BIL hinted at something to this effect to dh) but if that is the case, why can they not see they are being massively manipulated? They are not stupid, and I would hope that dh would mean more to his brother than his ex.

It isn't possible for anyone else to look after my SN child, and tbh my dc is far better behaved than any of their children anyway , but I do hate the fact that we will be talked about - I recently had my stepdaughter calling me and telling me how sad she felt for me that it was my first child that was affected, and that at least I had another child now so I can experience "proper" motherhood (grrr - words taken straight from conversation bewteen her mother and SIL it transpires)

I feel for you. I have problems with my DH's sisters. I just try to focus on my own family & try not to think about them - It's hard though, especially when I see my DH upset by their behaviour, and my DCs don't get invited to birthday parties.

i think migsey talks a lot of sense, it's usually women who makes the invites and set the dynamic for these kind of situations.

what were the circumstances about going to africa? do they blame you for DH going over there?

sounds like close friendships were formed while you were off the scene. maybe they felt they had to provide emotional support to ex while DH wasn't around.

ddi they say, specifically, why they didn't like you? if the have it's maybe something to mull over, if they haven't then they are being incredibly rude and narrow minded.

The first question that I would ask is do you actually care what they think? Sounds like you haven't got a great relationship with them, so are they worth getting bothered about?

My personal opinion would be not to get upset by them - after all, if you don't like them, why would you care what they think of you? Nine times out of ten, if someone doesn't like me, I don't give a damm, because usually I don't respect them enough to give any credit to their opinions in the first place!

So, just let them get on with it! And don't worry about your children missing out - one of the things I learnt from my childhood is that 'cousins' can be as much as the children you grow up with as they are biological! some of my closest 'aunties' and 'uncles' as a child were my parents' friends... so their children were my 'cousins' in effect, and I saw a lot more of them, than I did my real cousins. Now, I find my children haven't got any natural cousins, but they have because they have got my friend's children, with whom they do the days out / holidays /social gatherings at Christmas etc etc... In many ways, they are far more of a family, than real family can be!

You can't make them want to be involved in your lives, or involve you in theirs, so stop fretting and instead focus on what is important - your hubby and your children. If his family decide that they do want to be a part of that, then fine.. but if they don't then you can build a family for your children, and they really won't be missing out on anything!
HTH

We went to Africa because of dh's job, so it was all at his instigation, not mine (I gave up my career/house/life to go with him, so I was the one making sacrifices)

Dh's ex did use the Africa stint as a way to get at him (we were only there for 3 years, so not a lifetime), and made it very difficult for him to see his dcs, and they ended up in court over access rights, amongst other things. THis is when BIL/SIL started showing marked preference for dh's ex, as they refused to see that she was being difficult about access (wouldn't tell us if the dcs were coming out on planned trips - we had to book flights etc, and dh go to the airport to collect without us ever knowing if they were actually on the flight; she didn't get them their jabs (and sent them out once unvaccinated against things like typhoid etc) so we had to cancel another trip at last minute and fly over here to be with them instead - all just things to make life awkward) and seemed to think that dh shold just accept that he wasn't allowed to be part of his dcs life (I thik ex had told them things along the lines of "he's made his choice" etc, when he had, in fac, talked to her and dcs at length about whether he should go).

I think the thing that bothers me most about it all is the loss of family for dh. He and BIL were very close, and it does just feel uncomfortable being the reason for the rift, especially since there is not a lot I can do to make up for it.

It woud appear as though our greatest sin was getting married, as it signalled a permanence to the relationship, and indeed BIL has previosly commented to PIL that it was "inappropriate" for dh to have more children (he has never elaborated on why this might be so). I cannot help but feel the pressure of this - if dh and I were not married he would still be enjoying a full family life with his brothers

could it be that your bil is shagging your dh-ex and they don't want either of you to find out?! lol! keep that in your head when you next see them - that'll make you smile!

If there was an actual reason why it all had to come to this (and that would be as good a reason as any) then I don't think I'd mind as much.

But dh & I aren't bothered if they stay friends with ex, and we're all adults and able to be in the same room without any eye-scratching or hair-pulling. IF they have been made to feel as though they should take sides, it would be by dh's ex, and so I am completely baffled as to why they would then take her side - surely if someone in this situation said to you, choose between me and your family, you would choose your family?

'tis bizarre.

Bil's comment to Pil about the appropriateness of your dh fathering more chldren was monstrously inappropriate. It was also inappropriate for any one to leak it to your dh.

I understand why they don't invite you if they don't like you.

But why do they invite your DH's ex-wife???