Have namechanged for this, as reckon SIL might be an mner.
This could get quite long, so bear with me (or not, actually, you'd probably be better off having a cuppa instead )
Background: Dh & I have been married for 7 years, and have 2 dc. This is dh's second marriage, his first broke up years before I was on the scene. He has 2 dcs from first marriage, we all get on well, and I have a good relationship with my sdcs. Relations with dh's ex are not so good, and could be described as strained (although we are all able to get together for major family events, and none of us would ever make a scene)
The issue: dh and I have noticed, over the years, that we are not invited to any of his brother's family events/occasions. BIL's first child was born before I was with dh, and dh went to christening etc. BIL second child was born just before we got maried, and we were not invited to the christening. Dh's ex was. (actually, we were invited, but were given about a weeks notice, and since we lived in Africa at the time that wasn't really good enough. Ironically, we had flights back booked for the week following the event, and couldn't change them at the last minute). We tried to brush this aside, and hoped it was an oversight.
BIL's third child was born a couple of years later, and this time we had no notice of the christening at all (and still no mention of it 4 years later). again, dh's ex was invited.
When we moved back form Africa 3 years ago, we stayed at BIL's for a few days. THis was an awkward time, where I felt as though I was very much in the way in the house (dh out at work all day, just me and dc1 (4 months old) there). BIL hardly spoke to me at all, and could barely bring himself to look at me. SIL would chat quite happily, then get up and get the children ready and go out (eg to the park), and never once ask us along, which I thought strange, but again put it aside.
The following week, due to a mix up in communications (in which BIL was involved) we ended up with nowhere to stay. It was 8pm by the time we found this out, had grumpy overtired baby so called them to see if we could stay for the night and got told no. No explanation, no apology, just no.
We have just heard via PIL about BIL's eldest dc's holy communion. Dh was upset that we were not being invited again, and has raised the issue with his brother. The initial comeback was along the lines of "no, we do not favour dh's ex over present wife". Odd, we thought, as dh had not mentioned ex at all, just said that we were sad that we were not being invited, and wondered whether there was a problem.
Dh & brother met up on Friday to talk it all through, and the gist of what has come back this time is "well, we don't really like XXXX".
I know that they have been discussing me and my family with dh's ex (some info that stepchildren knew got fed back to us via BIL), and whilst I obviously have no say in who they are friends with (and don't honestly care) it does bother me that I am being talked about in a negative light with no means of defence. They also talk about me (and dh) negatively in front of dh's children, which I also think is not on.
We have now been (grudgingly) invited to the holy communion, but I'm not sure I want to be bothered with going. My elder child has SN, and whilst very well behaved on the whole, does provide fodder for those who want to snipe (which they would appear to want to do).
AIBU to just thik "stuff the lot of them"?
BIL has also said that we should draw a line under it all and move forward - surely if this is what he actually wanted, he would not ahve sat there and told dh that he just doesn't like me? Having thought carefully about this, the only time I would say that to someone was if I didn't want to bother seeing them again.
Then again, I don't really want to be the cause of a family rift between dh and his brother, especially since I haven't actually done anyhting except marry dh!