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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents appear to be giving me the silent treatment?

28 replies

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 15:23

i have 2 kids, for the first time this year we decided to spend christmas lunchtime on our own as a family of 4 - my parents weren’t not invited but they already had plans elsewhere. invited parents round to watch kids open their gifts in the morning, made breakfast, etc. told them feel free to come round after lunch and we can watch a christmas movie together etc. they left about 11 and i’ve barely heard from them since. i reached out and asked if they wanted to come over and see the kids and have chocs etc with us in the evening - no. i asked if they wanted to do anything boxing day - no response. sent pictures of the kids through and only got a smiley face in response which is typical passive aggressive from my mum. don’t know what i’ve done wrong but im clearly getting some kind of silent treatment and all i can think is that it’s because i chose to not go to a big family lunch. everyone else seems to have parents who actually want to see their grandkids and i just feel so let down.

OP posts:
AudibleListener · 28/12/2023 15:42

Perhaps stop texting and trying and see what happens. It’s unfortunate this has happened but not your fault or anything you can do. Plus if they already had plans that didn’t include you I don’t see their issue.

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 15:45

If your mum is passive aggressive regularly, and is the type to give you the silent treatmeant, the best thing you can do is stop trying to win approval and just focus on your own family. See what happens when you stop chasing?

CormorantStrikesBack · 28/12/2023 15:45

My mum used to do this all the time. She didn’t speak to me for months once because I bought a car she didn’t like (I had a job and my own home so nothing to do with her). It’s childish batshit behaviour. Don’t run round after them. Do not contact them at all again, you must let them make the first move even if it’s months as otherwise they will do stuff like this to try and control you.

Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 15:48

thanks all
i agree @CormorantStrikesBack we’ve decided to see how long it takes for them to ask to see the kids/us without us being the one to prompt it. it feels so one sided just makes me sad

OP posts:
PollyPut · 28/12/2023 15:49

@satursaysunday you "chose not to go to a big family lunch" ? you say your parents had plans elsewhere - were you also invited to the big family lunch and decided not to go? If so, did you warn your parents that you wouldn't be going far in advance or did it come as a bit of a surprise to them?

Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 15:58

@PollyPut no i was invited but wasn’t the only one in my family who decided to do christmas elsewhere, my wider family everyone is starting to get married/have kids and are slowly branching off at christmas. i warned them about a month before christmas day and my mum actually was all for it and agreed that the big family lunch idea wasn’t the same as old times considering how many people weren’t going and said she didn’t want to go either - then i brought up something about christmas day probably a week or so later and she suddenly forgot that entire conversation and was pissy at me for not going to the lunch

OP posts:
PollyPut · 28/12/2023 16:04

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 15:58

@PollyPut no i was invited but wasn’t the only one in my family who decided to do christmas elsewhere, my wider family everyone is starting to get married/have kids and are slowly branching off at christmas. i warned them about a month before christmas day and my mum actually was all for it and agreed that the big family lunch idea wasn’t the same as old times considering how many people weren’t going and said she didn’t want to go either - then i brought up something about christmas day probably a week or so later and she suddenly forgot that entire conversation and was pissy at me for not going to the lunch

Bit of a drip-feed here - it seems that your parents "had plans elsewhere" actually means " we were invited to the big family lunch, with my parents, but chose not to go".

Your mum said she didn't want to go to the other lunch either. Of course your parents are upset.

EvilElsa · 28/12/2023 16:05

Leave it to them now.
You've asked them over, you've sent photos. Ball is in their court.
I detest sulkers. If something is wrong just say it. It's pathetic to play mind games and expect someone to guess what's wrong. I always just pretend everything is entirely normal and don't pander to such behaviour. If they want to strop and be miserable so be it.

Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 16:07

@PollyPut its not really a drip feed? i didn’t force her to go to the lunch, she was invited to have lunch at mine but said no. if she didn’t want to go thetes no need to go unless she was people pleasing

OP posts:
Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 16:07

@EvilElsa thank you will do exactly that. i’d honestly rather she just message me with the exact issue than leave me guessing, it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 28/12/2023 16:10

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 16:07

@EvilElsa thank you will do exactly that. i’d honestly rather she just message me with the exact issue than leave me guessing, it’s ridiculous

Exactly. Either say it or get over it.

Torganer · 28/12/2023 16:11

I think it would be easier to call them. A lot gets missed in texts.

Paresse · 28/12/2023 16:13

If they have form for this kind of thing (and it sounds like they do), then I would fully embrace the distancing as a blessing, and match it with some of your own.

I know it hurts when parents aren't very nice people (and it hurts even more when you see them being poor grandparents to your children). Your kids deserve better. I get it, I really do. But when you have the bad luck to be in this situation. then honestly the best thing you can do is reduce contact. If they're going to deliberately cause stress and unpleasantness, instead of happiness and comfort, then your kids are better off without much of their presence in your lives.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/12/2023 16:13

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 16:07

@PollyPut its not really a drip feed? i didn’t force her to go to the lunch, she was invited to have lunch at mine but said no. if she didn’t want to go thetes no need to go unless she was people pleasing

Its because you didn't toe the line she drew. Who hosted the lunch she went to?

PollyPut · 28/12/2023 16:19

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 16:07

@PollyPut its not really a drip feed? i didn’t force her to go to the lunch, she was invited to have lunch at mine but said no. if she didn’t want to go thetes no need to go unless she was people pleasing

"my parents weren’t not invited" - you mean your parents were invited to yours for lunch? Why not just say that then? The double negatives are confusing.

If she'd already been invited to the other house for lunch and had accepted before you invited her to your instead then she might well have thought it would be rude to decline an invitation she had already accepted - it put her in a difficult position.

I agree with the PP who said to call her and speak to her. It would seem that she was sad not to spend the day with you and the grandchildren; so call her and chat. You never know, she might be ill and hiding it from you.

RandomSunday · 28/12/2023 16:48

Ok. So your parents accepted an invitation for Christmas lunch elsewhere. You decided to have Christmas lunch with just your immediate family. All good.

Your parents turned up to spend time with their GC on Christmas morning. They left to go to their friends/relatives for their dinner.

You are offended that that they didn’t leave their friends/relatives immediately after they had eaten to spend a few hours watching films at yours? Or that they didn’t return to yours on Christmas evening after spending the day with their Friends/relatives.

I’m not sure I understand your post tbh.

Your parents made sure they spent time with their GC on Christmas morning. Surely everyone is free to spend Christmas as they wish??

Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 20:04

@RandomSunday well obviously yes they can spend christmas as they wish but to then go totally off the radar and send one passive aggressive emoji message in the space of 4 days over the festive period when everyone is off work and they’d usually bang on about how they wish they could see more of their grandkids but they work ‘soo much’ then yes, that’s weird

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 20:09

Have you ever considered talking to them?

RandomSunday · 28/12/2023 20:24

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 20:04

@RandomSunday well obviously yes they can spend christmas as they wish but to then go totally off the radar and send one passive aggressive emoji message in the space of 4 days over the festive period when everyone is off work and they’d usually bang on about how they wish they could see more of their grandkids but they work ‘soo much’ then yes, that’s weird

Do you begrudge your parents time to do something for themselves over Christmas? Or should they always be at your beck and call as and when it suits you?

Your recent post suggests they don’t see your D.C. very often. If that’s the case why do you think they would make an effort to see GC on Christmas morning, go for lunch at their friends, drop everything to rush back to yours and then stay for the rest of the night? None of this makes sense.

Everyone is free to do whatever they want to over Christmas surely? No adult should be answerable to anyone else. Why are you so intent on your parents spending Christmas with you? Did you manage to have a nice Christmas without them?

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 20:37

Sorry but maybe you expect too much. They saw you all on Christmas day so why do you think it's unreasonable for them to want some quiet time on their own? Kids at Christmas can be very tiring. They have been parents now let them be grandparents which includes picking and choosing when they see your kids.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 20:47

Definitely stop communicating. Let her wonder why.

Original poster
satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 21:19

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 20:37

Sorry but maybe you expect too much. They saw you all on Christmas day so why do you think it's unreasonable for them to want some quiet time on their own? Kids at Christmas can be very tiring. They have been parents now let them be grandparents which includes picking and choosing when they see your kids.

honestly some of the responses here are so weird. so yous actually think it’s normal behaviour to go from chatting to your daughter everyday to going near enough silent for 4 days? and i’m being overbearing or expecting too much? no, i couldn’t care less what they do but im not enough of a cunt to give my daughter and grandchildren the silent treatment over christmas. wtf

OP posts:
ShonaShoop · 28/12/2023 22:07

satursaysunday · 28/12/2023 21:19

honestly some of the responses here are so weird. so yous actually think it’s normal behaviour to go from chatting to your daughter everyday to going near enough silent for 4 days? and i’m being overbearing or expecting too much? no, i couldn’t care less what they do but im not enough of a cunt to give my daughter and grandchildren the silent treatment over christmas. wtf

Show quote history

I’ve just spent a whole 4 days without feeling I had to entertain my DC’s or DGC. After I left them on Christmas morning (I felt I should do my duty and go and look at the (ridiculous piles of) presents Santa had left for my 4 sets of DGC)

I didn’t feel the need to message them, to enquire how they were doing without me and they didn’t feel the need to message me, demanding I join them. We all survived, without living in each others pockets, for a few days.

I’m going to make it a rule from now on. “Grandma will be going away to recharge her batteries over Christmas. Theres no need to call her. She’ll see you in the New Year”.

Grandma’s are allowed some down time too 🎅🏻

Original poster
satursaysunday · 29/12/2023 08:52

@ShonaShoop well i might feel differently if grandma had no down time in this case but for us it’s more she only spends time with the kids if i ask her to and otherwise shows no real interest, at this point she can do one, im sick of being the one begging for a relationship with my own parents

OP posts:
ShonaShoop · 30/12/2023 19:19

satursaysunday · 29/12/2023 08:52

@ShonaShoop well i might feel differently if grandma had no down time in this case but for us it’s more she only spends time with the kids if i ask her to and otherwise shows no real interest, at this point she can do one, im sick of being the one begging for a relationship with my own parents

Your mum doesn’t jump when you tell her to? Disgraceful 😂

Why do you think your mum will leave her chosen friend/family members to dance to your tune? It sounds as if she is not particularly interested in you or your DC any day of the year. Why would you expect her to abandon her chosen Christmas plans to run to you, because you think she should? Your mums an adult who can think for herself - obviously.

Everyone is entitled to spend their days with whoever they choose to. Christmas is no exception.