To just want to sleep - grief related

[StonwEd]

Hi guys
not so much an aibu as looking for tips from others who’ve gone through similar.
it’s the 4th anniversary of my mums death this week. I’m unusually grief stricken this year, in the way that I am consumed by thoughts of her, of the week leading up to it etc. I think it’s because although he’s fine really, my dad 4 years on is obviously older and constantly worried about his health and complaining and being tired and slow. I worry about him a lot, even though as I say, for the most part he’sa pretty healthy 75 year old, but he’s still 75 I guess. Mum died at 68 so very young.
I can not sleep because of it all. I miss her so much and the thoughts just go round and round in my head all day and night. I just want to think of something else other than that week where she was so ill so quickly and it was all over before we knew it.
In 4 years this is the worst I’ve ever felt about it all and I just can’t sleep.
Dad won’t talk about it and my siblings don’t want to/aren’t much help. I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to, I feel like no one understands but I am seeing mums sister tomorrow which will help massively.
I use the calm app most nights anyway but none of the sessions are giving me any relief. I tried dulling it with wine last night which worked until I woke up at 5 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m just so sad and tired and don’t know how to get through the next few days. I’ve exercised a lot today so maybe that’ll help.
I don’t want know why I wrote this, I just want someone to hear me

Have you tried something like nytol? Just to get you through the night.

Also have you considered therapy for your grief?

I hear you.

Have you had any grief counselling? Perhaps ring Cruse, a helpline for bereaved people.

If her passing was traumatic you may need support to manage PTSD.

Please see your doctor, they have a good idea about ’normal’ and whether you need some more help.

I am sorry for your loss, and that you feel so isolated with it. It can be hard.

So sorry you're going through this. It's so hard. Are you able to seek grief counselling? Perhaps that could help to process your feelings more and you wouldn't have the worry of burdening your dad or siblings.

Hope things improve for you soon

I did have some counselling at the time but todays the first day I have actually thought about PTSD and that I may have it. The fact I stayed awake this morning convinced my dad had died in the night shook me up.
Had not thought of nytol, great shout as a temporary measure at least. I’ve just changed dr surgery after a move so that would be a nice way to introduce myself, I’ll make an appointment. See these are obvious things to do I’ve just not been able to think straight for days

So sorry that your grief is hitting so hard. I have found the chat forum on the Sue Ryder charity Grief Kind website helpful, to talk with people who understand. I have found this Christmas harder than last. Just miss them so much .

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. For sleep I find the Calm app isn't distracting enough for me and I have to listen to a podcast about something that interests me instead. For some reason even though I'm interested and actively listening (as opposed to letting it wash over me) I usually drop off within five minutes.
Antihistamines can help too.
Grief is awful and lack of sleep will make you feel so much worse, I hope you can get some rest

Hey op
Sorry for your loss. Xmas is very triggering.

Sominex is a great sleep aid. I take half a pill 2 - 3 x per week. Really helps. Nytol doesn't work for me at all.

If you think you may have ptsd please tell your gp and/or look at counselling.

I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Thank you for all your kind words. I’ve had a big cry and now feeling better for it.
Trying to decide on pub with friends or nice food and board game with husband tonight. bonus of staying in is trackies all night and I think that’s what’s gonna win it!

Glad you’re feeling a bit better. Perhaps go out with friends and do night in with your husband another night? Your mum wouldn’t want you to be sad. You go on in her, carry on being the great girl she loved and make the most of life on her behalf. Next year how about doing a charity challenge to help others in her memory to mark the 5th anniversary.

So sorry you are so upset. Extreme tiredness makes everything worse too.

I sleep badly and maybe once a week I take promethazine (brand name Phenergan and available at Boots without prescription). It's non addictive, mainly used as an antihistamine but is well known for its sedative side effects. I sleep really well when I take it. Maybe it would help you x

I found it would sneak up on me and throw me in a “washing machine” style of hurling, tumbling thoughts, feelings and worries.

Exercising is good. Tired bodies can make short work of emotional overload when it comes to getting enough sleep.

So too is the doctor. I point blank refused to consider it at the time, but after five years finally accepted anti-depressants. It was like night turned into day for me. Until the peri-menopause (followed by my sodding thyroid packing up) set it off again. But once those two issues were back under control I was free of the absolute worst of it.

Not that it becomes a total hands off thing, even with medical help. I’ve had to change my lifestyle to accommodate the grief-wound.

Probably the best tool I’ve found for the swirling thoughts/feelings when they sneak up on me is Brain Dumping. I grab the iPad and just write down all the things in my head. Legibility is iffy at the start, but the act writing them down slows them down, forces them to form into something less garbled, and once down in a document it’s like they escape the confines of my mind and exit my head.

Big, fat hug. It can be scary and lonely because grief isn’t always linear and time-blocked, but I was totally unaware of that before it punched me in the guts. But there is hope, it can be managed, processed and coped with once you have built up a personalised toolkit. Cos not all things work for all people all of the time.

A damn good cry, a good night’s sleep and you’ll feel better. And hopefully you’ll know that it’s just something you need to work through a bit at a time. It will hit you again, and you’ll ride through it again.

It gets easier each time.

But do use the phone lines and see the GP as well!

Crying, sleeping and talking it through, even if it's repeatedly, with a good listener, all help. It sounds to me like you're trying to push it down, apologies if Im wrong, and you won't process it that way.

I'm so sorry you lost your DM so young. I lost my DF this year and I'm still heartbroken. The cost of love is so high. 💐

I hear you. My mum was 68 too when she died at Christmas, but 17 years ago. I recognise so much of what you're saying. The reliving of it, and the terror of having to go through it again with your other parent. It's almost like PTSD. I'd really advise you to get some counselling OP. I didn't, and it took a toll on my MH for some time until gradually I started to heal. I think getting it out in an appropriate setting would have been better for me, so I would urge you to explore that. Meanwhile, know you're not alone. You feelings are natural and in time you will learn to live with them so they're not all consuming.

Hi OP, oh how I sympathise and empathise. I lost my mum in 2019 out of the blue so I know some of how you are feeling (not all obviously). One way I think of my grief that helps (a friend offered me this image and it stuck, it might be from a book) is imagining a box with a big ball in it. The ball takes up almost the whole space in the box and every time it touches the walls your grief hurts you. To begin with the size of the ball means this is all the time, but as time goes on the box grows. This means it only touches the sides sometimes but it still hurts just as much when it does. Eventually the ball is tiny enough in comparison to the box that it can be weeks between ‘hits’ but it will always hurt and the pain will remind you of the time when it was always there. I found this helped because sometimes I felt, still feel, why aren’t I over this? When will I be Ok? and being able to see that grief ball ‘hits’ were less frequent helped. I also see the ball as making the box bigger, maybe allowing other good things in. Might be BS but thought I’d share it.

I haven’t been able to fall asleep without the tv on in the background since my mum died…. Another vote for anti-histamines or nytol as a short term fix!

my gp referred me to a local bereavement counselling charity which helped immensely so maybe see if there’s anything similar as it did really help!!

sending love

I'm only two years in but also lost my early 60s mum very very suddenly, after an illness that had symptoms that lasted a couple of days.
What helps me is talking about that last week. Going over it, saying what happened - and hopefully someone going 'wow that's awful'
And I think, YES it was awful, thank you for agreeing. And then I'm ok again for a bit.

I think counselling might be more useful for you now than in the initial aftermath. I'm really sorry for you.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Sleep deprivation is awful and the nights are so lonely, the mind goes into overdrive and it's difficult to stay rational. You have had some great suggestions here. I second nytol and maybe a GP visit.
You are still early in your grief journey.
We lost mil 7 years ago at 62 about 10 days before Christmas, those first few Christmases were dreadful, looking back I don't know how we got through it. We did and now every year we have a drink and take away to mil, it is so lovely to ger together and talk about her now.
Although, we now have elderly fil which is a worry.
I hope you find a way through this.

Hi, I completely understand what you're going through, the grief never goes away, it's just distracted with auto pilot and certain things trigger it immensely. As people have suggested, nytol is good. For me, I have a cup of camomile tea with 2 tea bags in and when really needed a nytol with it. I wouldn't advise my bad habit of wine I have relied on too frequently! Xx

When I can't sleep because something's racing round my mind, it's usually because I'm not letting myself think about it during the day.

Have you tried putting some time aside to just wallow in it. I usually go for a good long walk by myself, no headphones on, just to give my brain a chance to properly think about it.

The ball in the box analogy is really good. I’ve had plenty of good days over the past 4 years, but today has just been hell. I know I shouldn’t reach for the wine but I haven’t got any nytol or anything in and just the thought of being awake is already getting my anxiety going. Must buy some tomorrow.
I’m so sorry to all of you going through this as well. I am so desperate to see my aunty I nearly jumped on a train to Reading this afternoon even though it would take me over 3 hours and she’ll be here tomorrow. I stopped myself thankfully cos I’d still be travelling now and annoyed at the cost 😂
I’m really glad I posted now, it has done just what I needed and let me get my thoughts out without having to actually talk to anyone irl but I’m certainly going to call my new Dr tomorrow and get an appointment. I don’t want to be in this same situation in another year. I know I will be but hopefully I’ll handle it better.
Thank you

I hear you OP. Both my parents died within a few months of each other in 2020. This year has been the hardest yet. I think it's because so much has happened that mum and dad would have been exited about (my DD and her DP got engaged, my sister finally got married, my nephew became a father for the 1st time). It also didn't help that I had a health scare last week, that resulted in a 2 night hospital stay and I really wanted a hug from them and for them to tell me everything was going to be ok (it was).
I have no advice on how to get through this time, I've just learned to accept now, that grief will just sneak up when it wants to and it will lessen again.

ETA, I had grief counselling from Macmillan and I found that to help. I can't take nytol as I find for me, it doesn't work my mind is just too loud. "Spa music" though I find incredibly relaxing and can usual drift off listening to that.

How awful for you pp.
I really understand what you’re saying about thinking about what she would have thought of stuff now. I have a grandchild who we show pictures of mum too, he knows it’s his great grandma (as well as a 3 year old can!) I’m only 43 myself so he keeps me busy and young and helps with the hard days (did karaoke together today!)
I’ve settled down after doing some DIY (I love painting) and now got a large baileys and watching top boy (so cheery). Wishing all of you going through similar the strength to get through this horrid period. Chin chin

It does actually help hearing other people’s stories awful as that sounds. I was so angry when mum died when people would say oh my mum died (aged 90) and I’d think how unfair it was or how ok your mum died but she wasn’t MY mum and MY mum was the only mum that mattered in the world. I realise now that there is no kind age although obviously children losing parents young is awful. I realise now that everyone has a mum and some people are close and some aren’t but even those are allowed to grieve. My mum wasn’t perfect but there is so much I want to tell her. I’ve had a huge career change and moved to a city, she would not believe the changes in my life!! I still live really close to my dad and look after him loads, take him on holiday and out for dinner. I’m so Annoyed with her leaving all that to be my responsibility 😂 as I’m the only sibling that lives anywhere near but the others do what they can they’ve just got much younger kids and more commitments than I do.
Bloody hell one and a half baileys and I’m pouring my heart out. It’s just what I needed.

I found my mum deceased 5 weeks ago.
I haven't slept more than a couple of hours at night since.
I'm doing okay during the day as the children keep me busy but once I fall asleep the nightmares start (I see her injuries and bruises instead of my beautiful mum).
I'm just so tired and think i need to see the doctor but I'm concerned they will just offer antidepressants when I'm not depressed I'm traumatised.