To just want to sleep - grief related

[StonwEd]

Hi guys
not so much an aibu as looking for tips from others who’ve gone through similar.
it’s the 4th anniversary of my mums death this week. I’m unusually grief stricken this year, in the way that I am consumed by thoughts of her, of the week leading up to it etc. I think it’s because although he’s fine really, my dad 4 years on is obviously older and constantly worried about his health and complaining and being tired and slow. I worry about him a lot, even though as I say, for the most part he’sa pretty healthy 75 year old, but he’s still 75 I guess. Mum died at 68 so very young.
I can not sleep because of it all. I miss her so much and the thoughts just go round and round in my head all day and night. I just want to think of something else other than that week where she was so ill so quickly and it was all over before we knew it.
In 4 years this is the worst I’ve ever felt about it all and I just can’t sleep.
Dad won’t talk about it and my siblings don’t want to/aren’t much help. I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to, I feel like no one understands but I am seeing mums sister tomorrow which will help massively.
I use the calm app most nights anyway but none of the sessions are giving me any relief. I tried dulling it with wine last night which worked until I woke up at 5 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m just so sad and tired and don’t know how to get through the next few days. I’ve exercised a lot today so maybe that’ll help.
I don’t want know why I wrote this, I just want someone to hear me

Oh god eatdrink I am so so sorry for your loss, I wish you so much strength for the coming days and weeks, please take care if yourself xx

Ah gosh op, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. So much of what you say is familiar. It is so helpful to let it out, and keep doing so. My Dad was elderly and I am devastated but I can totally see how losing your mum so young makes it much harder. It is doubly hard when others won't talk about it, I feel my grief is being ignored and I don't feel understood when others do that. It's hard and it gives you another thing to be mad/sad about. Sometimes when my tears start it's out of the blue and the floodgates open and I just want to disappear as I can stop the tears.

Tell us about your mum or her passing if you think it could help.

That is so hard and so distressing for you 💐

Morning. 4.37am today. Wine did its job until then. I’ll sort that out in the new year when I’m back at work, I’m kind of enjoying the freedom to have a few. If I’m honest it’s the only coping strategy I ever saw my mum use so analyse that.
Anyway, I did manage to really deep breathe and relax for a few hours so I do feel better than yesterday and have been for a run and now off for a swim. Seeing family tonight which I’m very happy about, we don’t live very close but I try and see them as often as possible.
Have a lovely day, thanks for so many kind posts. Today is a better day 🙌

Really sorry you’re going through this.

For getting to sleep, or getting back to sleep, find really dull podcasts (eg history ones) better than the ‘calming’ apps! Brain seems distracted enough to change thought patterns, distracting from the upsetting thoughts, but not interested enough to stay awake.

find exercise in the morning or afternoon useful too, any type of exercise.