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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected a gift?

36 replies

heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:17

I was 40 yesterday. Had a lovely day with family and friends. We have booked a family holiday for a week to Cyprus next week (me DH and 2 kids) and DH kept saying that was my birthday present. I thought he was joking but appears not as I got no gift from him yesterday (not even a little thing to open). Am I being selfish to have expected something, given that we all actually benefit from the holiday! I've said nothing as I don't want to cause a row.

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 28/12/2023 14:19

If he's paying for the holiday then I think that's fine.

Original poster
heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:20

@FuzzyPuffling paid from our joint account

OP posts:
Hipnotised · 28/12/2023 14:22

Put on your coat / open your browser.

Go to nice shop / visit nice site.

Buy nice gift for yourself.

Sausages345pp · 28/12/2023 14:22

What did you do for his 40th ?

MILTOBE · 28/12/2023 14:26

What a cheapskate. He used your joint account to buy you a present that everyone in the family experienced as well?

Original poster
heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:31

@Sausages345pp a city break in Europe with concert tickets, I was proud of my efforts but then the world went into lockdown and had to cancel. Re booked a year later just without the concert tickets. It was a complete surprise for him. Whereas I've picked this holiday so no surprises!

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 28/12/2023 14:36

heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:31

@Sausages345pp a city break in Europe with concert tickets, I was proud of my efforts but then the world went into lockdown and had to cancel. Re booked a year later just without the concert tickets. It was a complete surprise for him. Whereas I've picked this holiday so no surprises!

Was that paid for from your own personal earned spends/savings or from the joint account/joint savings?

I think a family holiday to somewhere you (presumably) want to go is a lovely birthday present.

Doublerainbow23 · 28/12/2023 14:37

I'd be very upset. Unless agreed by you in advance, a family holiday you paid for out of a joint account is not a gift for you, it'sfor the whole family?! He's made it clear how much he values you. How thoughtless.

As for the suggestion you buy yourself something. That's not the point is it.

Doggymummar · 28/12/2023 14:39

We went to Singapore for mine from shared funds but we had cake and champagne sent to the room, Michelin star dinner and a beautiful necklace, perhaps it's all arranged for when you are there?

Doublerainbow23 · 28/12/2023 14:40

I think a family holiday to somewhere you (presumably) want to go is a lovely birthday present.

Only if that's what she wanted, and FH did all the planning and organising. We have lovely family holidays every year which are paid for from the joint account, and I equally organise. They're lovely. I'd be very upset though if DH said one of them was my present.

He's put zero effort in that's what would upset me.

Christmassss · 28/12/2023 14:40

Did you use joint account money to pay for his birthday holiday?

Notimeforaname · 28/12/2023 14:41

Am I being selfish to have expected something, given that we all actually benefit from the holiday! I've said nothing as I don't want to cause a row.

Not unreasonable to expect something if this is unlike him and he is usually thoughtful. Yabu if he is always like this and you dont speak up to save a row.

BonnieIou · 28/12/2023 14:41

So a holiday for his birthday, a holiday for your birthday. Struggling to see the difference to be honest, regardless of who picked it.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 14:44

I find the whole adults 'expecting' gifts a tad odd. You want something nice, buy it (or save until you can afford to buy it or get something smaller).

A familx holiday sounds like a lovely way to celebrate.

Original poster
heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:45

I guess the difference is that his was a surprise fully organised by me. This holiday I have planned. I am surprised as he's usually quite thoughtful but clearly not this time round. In terms of finances, we only have one account and it's joint, no separate accounts.

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 14:47

heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:45

I guess the difference is that his was a surprise fully organised by me. This holiday I have planned. I am surprised as he's usually quite thoughtful but clearly not this time round. In terms of finances, we only have one account and it's joint, no separate accounts.

It's quite possible to be thoughtful but also not place much emphasis on gifting.

Kwasi · 28/12/2023 14:47

I think you're overreacting. You've literally picked your birthday holiday!

Christmassss · 28/12/2023 14:48

To be honest both your presents to each other sound similar.

It may be worth have another account each for personal spends such as presents for each other.

BonnieIou · 28/12/2023 14:48

Both presents are similar so I can see why he would think that's your gift. Did you give him anything else to open on the day?

pleasejustnawta · 28/12/2023 14:50

Jeez I got a book for my birthday and that was great. You are quite spoiled.

Muchof · 28/12/2023 14:54

heyyouyesyouthere · 28/12/2023 14:31

@Sausages345pp a city break in Europe with concert tickets, I was proud of my efforts but then the world went into lockdown and had to cancel. Re booked a year later just without the concert tickets. It was a complete surprise for him. Whereas I've picked this holiday so no surprises!

So he got a holiday, that you benefited off and you got the same. And he managed expectations, or tried to anyway. I organised a birthday trip for my big birthday, it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of it, I liked organising it.

budgiegirl · 28/12/2023 15:02

OP, I get where you are coming from. It's not the gift (after all, a holiday is lovely), it's the lack of effort on his part. I guess it depends how the holiday came about - did you say 'I'd like to go away for my birthday" and he said that would be a good present for you, do you want to organise it or shall I? Or did you decide to have your family holiday now, and he's just announced that will be your present after you'd already booked it?

Christmassss · 28/12/2023 15:06

Would you normally go on holiday at this time of year or is it purely for your birthday?

Do you think he felt disappointed when the concert was cancelled and you didn’t replace it with anything else?

How do you normally do birthdays?

NutellaRose · 28/12/2023 15:17

If I'm reading this right, you booked a city break for his 40th, paid out of your joint account, you are going on holiday for a week for your birthday, also paid out of the joint account, but you don't feel that it counts as a birthday present because you all get to benefit from it?

Did you not go on the city break with him and therefore didn't benefit from that?

Ok, he could have perhaps got you a little something to open on the day, but to be honest you said yourself that you had a lovely day with family and friends, and have a holiday to look forward to next week. I'd be counting my blessings, in your shoes....

randomuser2020 · 28/12/2023 15:39

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Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.