To want more help at my mum’s (lone parent)

[FrenchGeek]

I’m quite angry with my mum for other much bigger reasons atm, and may just be taking it out about smaller things, so this is a genuine AIBU… I’m a lone parent with no nearby family support or automatic fallback option (despite good friends), and when I visit my mum who lives 4 hrs away she says let me give you a break.
The reality, though, is she’s got bad arthritis so I can never leave DD (1.5) alone with her as she can’t lift her at all. We have one local babysitter here who’s a friend of mum’s, but that’s it - if she’s not available, there’s no one else to ask when I’m here.
A couple of times it’s got scary because I got a virus while here and wasn’t up to looking after DD, and mum can’t either. If we were at my place I have a huge list of sitters I’ve built up and could call, but not here.
After the first time this happened I said to mum, I don’t know the lie of the land around here (and haven’t got time) but please please can you just make contact with a couple of local sitters so we have some fallback if needed.
She repeatedly hasn’t done this and it’s just happened again (luckily I’m not feeling so bad this time and can still care for DD, but it’s bringing up the same feelings).
I genuinely don’t know if IABU to expect this from my mum. Like I say there are much bigger issues going on too and I feel like I can’t distinguish between what is fair to ask and what is me taking out my anger with smaller details. TIA for your thoughts.

Sorry, but I don’t think it’s her job to do that for you.

I think you need to find the contacts; perhaps ask the friend to recommend a couple to you. Join the local town Facebook page and ask there.

I am sorry things are difficult ATM, wider picture and all that entails.

You make the contacts why is it her job

YABU, sorry.

Maybe she’s confused about what you actually want, or it doesn’t exist in her vicinity? I think that ‘sitters’ usually babysit children at night while parents socialise, but it sounds as if you want someone for unspecified hours of daytime baby care in your mother’s home at very short notice if you happen to be ill while visiting, with both you and your mother also present? I think that’s a much harder thing to find, and ‘making contact’ with local babysitters isn’t going to throw up appropriate people…?

I take it your father isn't in the picture?

It’s up to you to make the contacts. There are plenty of sites like sitters and childcare.co.uk where you can booked vetted carers as needed, and well, as you are starting to realise, the “and I can give you a break” line is almost always just code for “I would like to see you”. She obviously can’t take over for you to give you a break - it sounds like she herself needs your help. How old is she and have you got siblings?

What is the context of your visit? A weekend away for Christmas or Easter, or do you go for long periods where you work from home there?

For a break- where are you going? Do you mean to go out or to go have a long bath upstairs?.

It’s very unfortunate that your mum can’t give you a proper break because of her arthritis. Grandparent help is a huge boon if you have it- but seeing as she can’t/wont have DD for you, I think you need to stop expecting a break for your visits home.

I’m not a martyr- I go out, use a mix of paid childcare and family, but I can’t imagine leaving DC with a sitter ‘for a break’ in the context of a family visit home for a weekend. It’s shit your mum can’t take the pressure off and help out more when you visit, but it is what it is.

YABVU. If you need sitters it is for you to organise, surely you want to vet them personally anyway? Or try not going to your mums when you are feeling ill.

YABU. Where is the child's father?
That's where your anger and frustration should be directed.

If you want to establish a local sitter for when you visit mum then you need to sort it. Why is it her job?

WTAF?!?!

We have a disabled 3.5yo and a 2.5yo (a much much worse situation than one 18mo. I would feel like I was on an all inclusive to go to just one 18mo) and we’ve both been down so incredibly hard this entire Christmas (I started on 21st DH on 24th) to the point we cannot function, struggling to stand, 40 degree temps, not eaten in days…etc …. And you know how many baby sitters we’ve called?!?!? NONE because we are parents and parenting through being so unwell you hope you’ll just die and it’ll be over is a right of passage.

I can’t believe you’re annoyed at your mum for not finding you babysitters as though it’s the most normal essential day to day thing 🤦‍♀️😂

After the first time this happened I said to mum, I don’t know the lie of the land around here (and haven’t got time) but please please can you just make contact with a couple of local sitters so we have some fallback if needed.

Eh? You can't Google or use FB local?

I also just cannot process the ‘too unwell to care for DD’

were you dead?
were you on an intensive care ward?
were you even hospitalised?

ok I’ll be serious

were you conscious and breathing at home and physically capable of moving your limbs?? Then you were capable of caring for DD you were just really unwell and didn’t want to at all costs

And actually, putting that job onto a grandmother whose arthritis is so severe she can't lift her own grandchild, is nothing short of nasty.

How on earth do you think it might make her feel?

Thanks mums, this settles it for me that IABU and taking it out on her unfairly. You’re right, it should be my job. There is big family stuff going on (my dad died earlier this year and my mum had asked me to keep secrets etc), plus in the mix DD’s father totally unexpectedly left during a long planned pregnancy. So it’s been a really rough couple of years and I think those that say that’s where my anger should be directed are right.
I think I’m just aching for what isn’t in my life atm and for someone else to take a bit of responsibility, but it’s not realistic of me to expect others to plug the gap. (Have siblings, we adore each other but far flung, I do use a lot of paid childcare and get breaks at home but not here.) I think mum would like to help and maybe overpromises and it’s up to me to be more realistic. (@Muchof I def wouldn’t go there when already ill but these things happen while away.) Thanks for helping me clarify.

@Thehonestbadger thanks for your frankness, for me this also crosses a line of being nasty rather than answering the question. Yup, I‘ve cared for DD when feeling everything from brilliant to projectile vomiting to you name it! and yes, of course there are times when technically you can care for a child but feel you can’t do it very safely or well, and feel in need of some help. I don’t think that’s a matter for shame for anyone.

I've had to ask for help before. I got so dizzy with the illness I had I couldn't stand and was scared I'd drop the baby.

Could your dM visit you instead, so you could use your existing childcare and still see her?

Hope things get better for you, it sounds like you have had a rough time recently. 💐

I've parented Both, including 1 a breastfed baby at the time through a horrendous bout of COVID. If my husband hadn't been here there was 1 day I don't know what I'd have done. That said I was very nearly hospitalised that day with a heart rate of 120 and blood oxygen that kept dipping, thankfully I improved quickly and GP was able to see me 2 days running and keep me home but if I couldn't have rested at that point I'd have been screwed.

That said if I could have closed a door and lay on a couch with another adult present as I'm sure your mum could do I could haveamanaged that even then. Why couldn't you do this?

@FrenchGeek

i apologise if this seemed mean.
im still very unwell so aren’t as eloquent as usual. You are entitled to use whatever childcare you like, I’m a SAHM and have part time nursery. However, when you become cross at another person for not arranging it for you to me that crosses the line into entitlement and the need for a really good reality check. Calling in a baby sitter is not a ‘right’ and it’s not an essential that should be facilitated by your mum.

YABU, not normally to have babysitters on call unless your Kim Kardashian.

You must have thought of this before having a child.
Its not your mums job to do your job.
You had a child you take care of the child its called responsibility.
Dont put your responsibility on anyone else.

You are being very unreasonable, your mum has a serious health condition of her own and owes you nothing as regards to childcare or arrangements

@Thehonestbadger that’s totally fair enough, thanks for the apology (I’m new to MN and really appreciate the AIBU reality check thing but maybe wasn’t prepared for the sharpness of some of the answers) and I’m sorry you’re having a rough time too.