Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more help at my mum’s (lone parent)

33 replies

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 12:03

I’m quite angry with my mum for other much bigger reasons atm, and may just be taking it out about smaller things, so this is a genuine AIBU… I’m a lone parent with no nearby family support or automatic fallback option (despite good friends), and when I visit my mum who lives 4 hrs away she says let me give you a break.
The reality, though, is she’s got bad arthritis so I can never leave DD (1.5) alone with her as she can’t lift her at all. We have one local babysitter here who’s a friend of mum’s, but that’s it - if she’s not available, there’s no one else to ask when I’m here.
A couple of times it’s got scary because I got a virus while here and wasn’t up to looking after DD, and mum can’t either. If we were at my place I have a huge list of sitters I’ve built up and could call, but not here.
After the first time this happened I said to mum, I don’t know the lie of the land around here (and haven’t got time) but please please can you just make contact with a couple of local sitters so we have some fallback if needed.
She repeatedly hasn’t done this and it’s just happened again (luckily I’m not feeling so bad this time and can still care for DD, but it’s bringing up the same feelings).
I genuinely don’t know if IABU to expect this from my mum. Like I say there are much bigger issues going on too and I feel like I can’t distinguish between what is fair to ask and what is me taking out my anger with smaller details. TIA for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Iouis · 28/12/2023 13:32

Sorry you've had a shit time, but yeah your anger is misdirected here. It's not up to your Mum. But if you've asked her and she said she would then I understand you feeling frustrated. But it's one of them things you'd be better sorting yourself.

Original poster
FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 13:33

@starynightskys Yes, I very much thought of this before having a child, my circumstances then changed radically on many fronts and I’m in a rough moment. I have a LOT of responsibility on one set of shoulders for various reasons and most of the time am incredibly proud of how I manage it, but there’s the odd wobble and as I’ve already replied, I recognise in this case I’m taking it out in the wrong place- but I will never, ever feel that I don’t know what responsibility means.

OP posts:
sickbucket67 · 28/12/2023 14:41

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 13:33

@starynightskys Yes, I very much thought of this before having a child, my circumstances then changed radically on many fronts and I’m in a rough moment. I have a LOT of responsibility on one set of shoulders for various reasons and most of the time am incredibly proud of how I manage it, but there’s the odd wobble and as I’ve already replied, I recognise in this case I’m taking it out in the wrong place- but I will never, ever feel that I don’t know what responsibility means.

Don’t even waste your energy defending yourself- some people are just on here to be vile

I feel sorry for you- it is hard enough being a single mum as is with zero family help, but it’s just best to manage your expectations.

I would also tell your mum that you can’t come up for a break, because it isn’t a break, but you are more than happy to come and see her on <date> to spend time with her.

Your mum is being absolutely bizarre by offering to give you ‘a break’ when she isn’t able to offer that. Has she tried to offer solutions? She may have arthritis and can’t pick DD up, but could get a playpen for her house and supervise her in that whilst they watch ceebeebies together or play with balls or musical instruments over the side? That would at least give you 30 minutes to have a bath or something at hers.

AmazingDayz · 28/12/2023 14:45

Wow yabu massively! I am a lone parent to 4 and I’ve never had anyone that can help me if I get unwell I just have to cope. You clearly weren’t hospitalised so wasn’t that unwell you couldn’t look after your own child. Many people have no one. You want your mum to find people to help you? 🫨

Original poster
FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 14:46

@sickbucket67 you're right, thanks. I’m pretty new on here and wasn’t prepared for the vile aspect. I agree it is bizarre of my mum, her condition has progressed really quickly since a year ago or so and I don’t think she or I have yet accepted the reality of it. Thanks for the good ideas, we def need to get some things like that sorted here ❤️

OP posts:
bungletru · 28/12/2023 22:23

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 12:36

Thanks mums, this settles it for me that IABU and taking it out on her unfairly. You’re right, it should be my job. There is big family stuff going on (my dad died earlier this year and my mum had asked me to keep secrets etc), plus in the mix DD’s father totally unexpectedly left during a long planned pregnancy. So it’s been a really rough couple of years and I think those that say that’s where my anger should be directed are right.
I think I’m just aching for what isn’t in my life atm and for someone else to take a bit of responsibility, but it’s not realistic of me to expect others to plug the gap. (Have siblings, we adore each other but far flung, I do use a lot of paid childcare and get breaks at home but not here.) I think mum would like to help and maybe overpromises and it’s up to me to be more realistic. (@Muchof I def wouldn’t go there when already ill but these things happen while away.) Thanks for helping me clarify.

Just wanted to say, well done for taking the criticism well. It’s hard when you’re not in a great place to take accountability of not being reasonable.
you sound like a great person with a level head ☺️

keepingsanity · 28/12/2023 22:34

I get it, it's really tough when you are on your own and can feel relentless even when you are feeling well, never mind poorly.

I've just done the same, parented 3 kids whilst horribly sick. It's pants. But as per previous posts if you can find some contacts near your mum that may help for your next visit. And I love the playpen idea.
Also just do short trips and maybe plan a treat for when you get back home Flowers

Therainfallingdownonme · 01/01/2024 15:22

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 12:43

@Thehonestbadger thanks for your frankness, for me this also crosses a line of being nasty rather than answering the question. Yup, I‘ve cared for DD when feeling everything from brilliant to projectile vomiting to you name it! and yes, of course there are times when technically you can care for a child but feel you can’t do it very safely or well, and feel in need of some help. I don’t think that’s a matter for shame for anyone.

Not only was it nasty, it was also a lie. That poster has been posting about having her MIL round to help on a different thread.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page