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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I will probably have to die to get sympathy from my ils

49 replies

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 09:37

So I have had a nasty cold for three weeks finally clearing up. But I also have a back problem which has got worse due to lack of exercise recently and a lot of time on bed so Christmas Eve it has seized and is pressing on a nerve so I've been on significant pain the past few days. Nether the less I've powered through and we have spent a few days at in-laws.

They are fully aware of my illness and back pain and can see I've been struggling to walk at times. Ive had no sympathy (fine) and a few questions as to what I can do to prevent this going forward. Get back exercising obviously but I couldn't help having to stop because I've been ill.

I've had a few sarky comments about not pulling my weight. I can't do dishwasher due to angle so I washed pots at sink but then got told to stop as they can go in dishwasher 🤷‍♀️ To be clear dh, sil and bil didn't do anything either. Sil is pregnant and has also had a nasty cold so understandable but there's no reason the men can't help!

Fil made a comment I hadn't walked the dog (we have a bouncy lab) I said I couldn't due to my back. He replied I was lucky dh was off work as I would have to walk him otherwise! (Actually no if my backs bad dh walks him before work)

The dog was trying to sit on me which I was trying to discourage him as it's not comfortable having him on me. I made a joke to dh saying 'why am I always the one to suffer' (meaning the dog jumping on me) mil pipes up 'I think dh suffers enough' !?!?
How does dh suffer??

They never pull this crap with bil (sil is their dd) as I said she's pregnant and poorly and he never gets comments about pulling his weight more,

Can't wait to leave. The sad thing is I lost my mum years ago so would love to be close to them. But it's been 10 years so unlikely to change.

What is it with in-laws???

OP posts:
JMSA · 28/12/2023 09:41

My family can be funny about this stuff. They're 'grafters' and would look down on anyone who was ill/missed their work too often.
They would see you as a lame duck.
I'm not saying they're right ... I can just see how it would play out in my head Grin
I hope you feel better soon Flowers

JMSA · 28/12/2023 09:42

I'm not sure I'd have gone to stay with the in-laws while unwell and unable to do anything though.

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 09:42

Sympathy. I do love my in laws but I'll always remember a comment from MIL that still sets me raging - they visited a couple of weeks after my very traumatic childbirth with dc1. I'd haemorrhaged and had sepsis after EMCS after a failed induction. I was so ill for weeks, kept losing blood.

She posted a pic of me and dh holding baby dd, on her Facebook. A close friend commented "lovely pic, poor mum looks tired" and mil responded "they're BOTH tired!" This is after both she and DM kept praising my dh to the skies for being such a hands on dad. I'd literally nearly died!

Some people like to downplay illness as their way of dealing with it. My MIL is definitely that type, sounds like your FIL is too

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 09:43

If they’ve been like this 10yrs they won’t change. All you can do it change how to respond to it. Why do you visit when they speak to you like this? Does your DH say anything in response?

EdinGirl · 28/12/2023 09:44

Ew.
It's misogynistic and honestly, they would be getting a stony look in silence and probably my DH speaking up to put a stop to it.

I have no time ot patience for things like this and don't tolerate mean-spirited "jokes" or snide comments.

EndOfMyTether11 · 28/12/2023 09:44

Tell them! "Well DH is a fully grown adult, let's not make 1950s sexist comments shall we?" Grin

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 09:52

JMSA · 28/12/2023 09:42

I'm not sure I'd have gone to stay with the in-laws while unwell and unable to do anything though.

Declining is not an option. They never notify us of colds/stomach bugs etc and would be offended if we cancelled for these reasons.

OP posts:
2024betterBebetter · 28/12/2023 09:52

My in-laws are like this with me.
I find the best way to deal with them is to not see them when I’m feeling unwell. I have long term chronic illnesses so I don’t see much of them, which is a win in my book anyway. I don’t complain about my illnesses but my conditions are visible and that offends them for some reason.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 09:53

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 09:42

Sympathy. I do love my in laws but I'll always remember a comment from MIL that still sets me raging - they visited a couple of weeks after my very traumatic childbirth with dc1. I'd haemorrhaged and had sepsis after EMCS after a failed induction. I was so ill for weeks, kept losing blood.

She posted a pic of me and dh holding baby dd, on her Facebook. A close friend commented "lovely pic, poor mum looks tired" and mil responded "they're BOTH tired!" This is after both she and DM kept praising my dh to the skies for being such a hands on dad. I'd literally nearly died!

Some people like to downplay illness as their way of dealing with it. My MIL is definitely that type, sounds like your FIL is too

That's the exact sort of thing my mil would say 😂

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 28/12/2023 09:55

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 09:52

Declining is not an option. They never notify us of colds/stomach bugs etc and would be offended if we cancelled for these reasons.

Show quote history

Declining absolutely is an option. You are adult and can choose to stay home if unwell. What would happen if you declined?

Bartlebum · 28/12/2023 09:56

I would have gone back home days ago. If you're too ill to do much totally fine, but get some rest and get better. I'd hate to have a house guest that was sick and moping about when they should have stayed home.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 09:58

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

Wow

Ive had a cold for 3 weeks that kept me in bed for several days due to vomiting , dizziness and horrific head/face pain. In the end I got antibiotics for sinusitis and it started to clear.

My 'slightly sore back' is a ruptured disc and sciatica . Something you have clearly never suffered with. I will probably need surgery at some point. There has been points in the past few days I've not been able to get out of a chair or walk unaided.

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria1 · 28/12/2023 09:59

I know what you mean OP and it’s all drenched in 1970’s values of the man is a saint if he so much as takes a plate out to the dishwasher.
Whilst if you are a woman, even if you are severely in pain you soldier on doing most of the work.
Not really much you can do to change them- it’s how they were brought up and for some reason lots of people who were in their 20’s/30’s in the 70’s just won’t change with the times. Or even if they seem to have changed, really underneath they still think the same backward way about men and women’s roles.
Just say ‘ Sorry I can’t put things in the dishwasher it’s just to painful to bend. Or I would live to help more but sadly I can’t because of my back.
They won’t like it but oh well.
Hopefully attitudes have changed so when the older generation is gone, thinks should be a little different.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 10:05

Declining would have cause huge offence (I did decline one year)

Believe me I did do the stiff upper lip and tried to join in /have fun but my movement was very limited. Dh gave me a lot of assistance.I still played board games/watched films etc

Dh waivers between defending me and enjoying his place as pfb. He also has a lovely quality of seeing the best in people. (Me included) so some comments go over him.

The irony is fil is a househusband and mil is the breadwinner so they do not have the traditional set up in their house.

I have offered to make breakfast this morning.

I agree five days is too much. Next year, three days.

OP posts:
Whydoifeelsobadallthetime · 28/12/2023 10:06

My ILs have been like this in the past with me, though FIL does like to take all the sympathy.

I did actually get a heat bag for my back for Christmas this year from MIL...

Though for them to recognise that I have a bad back, it's taken maybe 4 years? I always had back problems, but sort of downplayed it because of my weight, had a pregnancy where it got worse. After pregnancy it got even worse, and I'm now 7 months into another pregnancy, reaching new lows of not just one, but both legs feeling numb, and burning in one foot..

Still FIL questioned me on Christmas day, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?

Though what is funny is, because I have a bad back, he's started to complain that his hurts. He's never had a bad back. He doesn't have a bad back.

He does have enough health problems that we all rally around him, but he's added bad back to the list because someone else has it.

I'd tell them that DH would need to help take care of you, as you do him when he's in need. It's part of being a team.

ReTrainTheBrain · 28/12/2023 10:07

"Declining is not an option. They never notify us of colds/stomach bugs etc and would be offended if we cancelled for these reasons."

Of course declining is an option. So what if they're offended? They live life how they want, you live life how you want.
You sound like you were so I'll and you made the choice to still go.
I don't mean this harshly because they do sound like they have no sympathy for you when you deserve done, but you know what they're like yet you still went. You need to take responsibility for the choices you make. You're not a helpless being who's behaviour they can control.

WandaWonder · 28/12/2023 10:11

Declining is an option, it is better than martyrdom

If you are not well say no

beforeafter · 28/12/2023 10:31

@autienotnaughty I just want to say that as someone who also has a 'sore back' (herniated disc) and currently has Covid - I completely understand how you're feeling. The back pain is EXCRUCIATING and unless anyone has had similar, they won't understand what it's like.

I know you have said that cancelling isn't an option, but you have to put your physical and mental health first. I say TWO days is enough if you have to go again!

We were meant to host Inlaws at ours for Christmas but cancelled last week as my back went into complete spasm and I can't do day to day activities like use the stairs or bathroom unaided. I need to get better.

Hope you get well soon xxx

ssd · 28/12/2023 10:36

You sound a bit of a martyr op

If course you could have declined

You are unwell, thats enough excuse

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/12/2023 10:41

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

I would be very sympathetic to my DIL in that situation and would do anything to help her.

Tanaria · 28/12/2023 10:58

I sympathise deeply.

My ex-in-laws were delightful like this.

When I was 8 months pregnant they had me walk up a steep hill with them - wouldn't accept it was painful and actually laughed at me at one point for struggling.

When I was undergoing cancer treatment they expected me to carry on as normal.

When I was sleep deprived because of my newborn who would not settle they expected me to wait on them hand and foot, but hand them the baby once baby was settled and calm, to carry on cooking/ making tea.

Then they wondered why I wanted them around less and less. They were a substantial part of me divorcing.

TammyJones · 28/12/2023 11:09

@autienotnaughty

Declining would have cause huge offence (I did decline one year)

THIS

then offend them ......
I always asked myself in these situations 'would I make some one I love do this ? '

I've said no to my mil many times and offend or not we still love each other.

But I am always there if I'm needed for the serious stuff.

Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 11:17

ReTrainTheBrain · 28/12/2023 10:07

"Declining is not an option. They never notify us of colds/stomach bugs etc and would be offended if we cancelled for these reasons."

Of course declining is an option. So what if they're offended? They live life how they want, you live life how you want.
You sound like you were so I'll and you made the choice to still go.
I don't mean this harshly because they do sound like they have no sympathy for you when you deserve done, but you know what they're like yet you still went. You need to take responsibility for the choices you make. You're not a helpless being who's behaviour they can control.

Fair point

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 11:18

beforeafter · 28/12/2023 10:31

@autienotnaughty I just want to say that as someone who also has a 'sore back' (herniated disc) and currently has Covid - I completely understand how you're feeling. The back pain is EXCRUCIATING and unless anyone has had similar, they won't understand what it's like.

I know you have said that cancelling isn't an option, but you have to put your physical and mental health first. I say TWO days is enough if you have to go again!

We were meant to host Inlaws at ours for Christmas but cancelled last week as my back went into complete spasm and I can't do day to day activities like use the stairs or bathroom unaided. I need to get better.

Hope you get well soon xxx

Thank you hope you feel better soon 🙏🏻

OP posts: