Page 2 | To think I will probably have to die to get sympathy from my ils

autienotnaughty · 2023-12-28T09:37:35+00:00

So I have had a nasty cold for three weeks finally clearing up. But I also have a back problem which has got worse due to lack of exercise recently and a lot of time on bed so Christmas Eve it has seized and is pressing on a nerve so I've been on significant pain the past few days. Nether the less I've powered through and we have spent a few days at in-laws. They are fully aware of my illness and back pain and can see I've been struggling to walk at times. Ive had no sympathy (fine) and a few questions as to what I can do to prevent this going forward. Get back exercising obviously but I couldn't help having to stop because I've been ill. I've had a few sarky comments about not pulling my weight. I can't do dishwasher due to angle so I washed pots at sink but then got told to stop as they can go in dishwasher 🤷&zwj;♀️ To be clear dh, sil and bil didn't do anything either. Sil is pregnant and has also had a nasty cold so understandable but there's no reason the men can't help! Fil made a comment I hadn't walked the dog (we have a bouncy lab) I said I couldn't due to my back. He replied I was lucky dh was off work as I would have to walk him otherwise! (Actually no if my backs bad dh walks him before work) The dog was trying to sit on me which I was trying to discourage him as it's not comfortable having him on me. I made a joke to dh saying 'why am I always the one to suffer' (meaning the dog jumping on me) mil pipes up 'I think dh suffers enough' !?!? How does dh suffer?? They never pull this crap with bil (sil is their dd) as I said she's pregnant and poorly and he never gets comments about pulling his weight more, Can't wait to leave. The sad thing is I lost my mum years ago so would love to be close to them. But it's been 10 years so unlikely to change. What is it with in-laws???

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2023 11:29

So what if they are offended?

Are these honestly people whose opinion you respect?

Let them be offended, given your DH is their golden child you have all the power here, you just haven't realised.

664theneighbourofthebeast · 28/12/2023 11:42

Some people view the partner of their child as an " appendage" rather than a real person, and everything they do is viewed through the lense of "how it affects my darling child". Not how it affects that person as an individual.
If you look at their behaviours over Christmas like that it all becomes quite logical.
If they see you that way then there is no way to win their approval or care, well..because you are a bit of a 2d background character in their story. You really would be better off to stop trying and do what works for you instead.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 28/12/2023 11:52

Op I don't know how much you see them but their behaviour is disrespectful and has caused you offence.

But it's OK for you to be in pain, suffering around people who don't care about you, making you feel uncomfortable with disrespectful remarks.... And yet you must not cause them offence??

This is what you need to look into.

Why it's OK for you to be offended but not them.

There is no way I'd be going again whether it is an honest... I'm afraid I'm not happy with the way I was spoken too last time when I was in pain and run down to... I've got covid.... Or I'm washing my hair etc.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 28/12/2023 11:53

@664theneighbourofthebeast excellent summary there.

Evaka · 28/12/2023 12:12

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

Fucking hell!

TerrysChocolateOrange · 28/12/2023 12:21

I had a huge (imo) (scheduled for one took four) operation on my neck, I then had radiotherapy, then stupidly agreed to take our turn at the IL’s.

My throat was red raw, (if you have experienced it, you will know it is like a sore throat on steroids.)

Anyhoo, I digress, my Christmas dinner that Christmas was bread sauce, and I had watered down wine with my dinner and in the evening I opened and didn’t finish a small french beer.

Friend of the family commented in the NY, poor Terry she was in a bad state, watered down wine and two mouthfuls of beer, it must be bad if she is off the drink. Friend said what she said jokingly, we were all in our thirties and child free.

Anyhoo MIL, replied, didn’t see much sign of her not drinking, 😱Friend then referenced bread sauce, and was told I had only done that for attention.

Twenty years I developed full on H&N cancer, my only sadness in all of that was that she was already dead, and before she died I had got her measure and I would have happily given her a blow by blow account of every twinge, every mouth ulcer, every open sore.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 12:24

I'd have said something like 'I haven't been well, with a really bad cold, and my back is playing up, so while I'd love to have come I won't be able to help out much when I'm there so will stay at home this year. Hope you have a lovely time'. If they then pushed for you to come and say it's ok, then you could have gone, safe in the knowledge that you wouldn't have been expected to do much. TBH a lot of people still help with a cold and/or a sore back, so they might think you're being a tad lazy.

Edit - yes, I have read the other replies and think agree that declining, or offering to decline but making the situation clear, is always and option!

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2023 12:29

I would add to @664theneighbourofthebeast excellent post, that not only do they view you as an appendage, they view both you and your DH as children.

In fairness, you are both responding as children- worrying about them offended when they are massively offensive to you.

Treat them like any other adult and either you will get on a lot better, or you won't see them at all. Both outcomes are a win.

tara66 · 28/12/2023 12:30

You need to wear a very big sign saying ''I AM VERY UNWELL'' - and/or bleed a lot all over their house!

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 12:44

ChristmasEvemaddness · 28/12/2023 11:52

Op I don't know how much you see them but their behaviour is disrespectful and has caused you offence.

But it's OK for you to be in pain, suffering around people who don't care about you, making you feel uncomfortable with disrespectful remarks.... And yet you must not cause them offence??

This is what you need to look into.

Why it's OK for you to be offended but not them.

There is no way I'd be going again whether it is an honest... I'm afraid I'm not happy with the way I was spoken too last time when I was in pain and run down to... I've got covid.... Or I'm washing my hair etc.

Great point thank you

OP posts:

Thehonestbadger · 28/12/2023 12:45

For what it’s worth I had my MIL scream at me on Boxing Day that she was going to call social services.

We had all been so unwell over entire Christmas (froze the turkey literally cancelled whole thing 40 degree fevers and total misery) and DH took himself off to die in his room leaving me with the severely disabled 3.5yo and 2.5yo running riot as they had recovered and I made the mistake of calling MIL to help. The house was trashed and the kids were crazy and I was on the floor in tears and shouted at DH when MIL finally kicked him out of bed and that made me ‘unable to emotionally regulate myself or provide a safe environment)

… it’s always me doing everything alone and I have a massive pile of evidence from an huge list of experts and services (including social services) that are GLOWING about my performance, childcare and well provisioned home) I keep my shit together so well to say what I’m dealing with and I work so god damn hard and I was really REALLY poorly and struggling alone as per usual

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 12:51

664theneighbourofthebeast · 28/12/2023 11:42

Some people view the partner of their child as an " appendage" rather than a real person, and everything they do is viewed through the lense of "how it affects my darling child". Not how it affects that person as an individual.
If you look at their behaviours over Christmas like that it all becomes quite logical.
If they see you that way then there is no way to win their approval or care, well..because you are a bit of a 2d background character in their story. You really would be better off to stop trying and do what works for you instead.

That's a really good way to see it thank you.

Bil doesn't receive this treatment but he has known them since late teens and lived with them for a few years so maybe that's because his relationship is stronger and he has a separate relationship with them to his relationship by proxy of his wife. Whereas I don't really.

OP posts:

SelectiveParticipation · 28/12/2023 12:56

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

Oh do fuck off. If you have ever experienced a ruptured disc you’d know that it hurts like hell and you can hardly take one step forward. I had three days where I couldn’t out on my trousers or sit down on the toilet. It’s agony. My dh has had it too, and I finally had to ring an ambulance as I couldn’t get him off the floor.

ValkyrieAssassin · 28/12/2023 12:58

Sorry op. Herniated discs are fucking dreadful. 🌷

Neolara · 28/12/2023 12:59

Op - you have my sympathy both for your pil and also sciatica. Nerve pain is absolutely bloody awful. I don't think people understand how bad it is until they've experienced it themselves.

Electio7899 · 28/12/2023 13:12

There is just no way in hell I’d go and visit anyone except someone offering 24 hour nurse care in your situation @autienotnaughty - don’t do it. I have to be mentally and physically on top form to deal with that kind of thing. it’s one of their situations where you’d have been better off offending them than putting up with them.

StinkyWizzleteets · 28/12/2023 13:20

On the plus side OP you’ve probably given them covid/the flu (colds don’t last three weeks) and they might not ask you back again

SelectiveParticipation · 28/12/2023 13:20

Electio7899 · 28/12/2023 13:12

There is just no way in hell I’d go and visit anyone except someone offering 24 hour nurse care in your situation @autienotnaughty - don’t do it. I have to be mentally and physically on top form to deal with that kind of thing. it’s one of their situations where you’d have been better off offending them than putting up with them.

Sometimes you have to offend. Especially if they don’t care about offending you.

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 14:21

StinkyWizzleteets · 28/12/2023 13:20

On the plus side OP you’ve probably given them covid/the flu (colds don’t last three weeks) and they might not ask you back again

It might have been covid (tested negative tho) but it morphed into sinusitis which isn't contagious.

We actually got it after visiting ils three week previous but mine and sils had been more prolonged.

OP posts:

LonelynSad · 28/12/2023 14:21

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 09:42

Sympathy. I do love my in laws but I'll always remember a comment from MIL that still sets me raging - they visited a couple of weeks after my very traumatic childbirth with dc1. I'd haemorrhaged and had sepsis after EMCS after a failed induction. I was so ill for weeks, kept losing blood.

She posted a pic of me and dh holding baby dd, on her Facebook. A close friend commented "lovely pic, poor mum looks tired" and mil responded "they're BOTH tired!" This is after both she and DM kept praising my dh to the skies for being such a hands on dad. I'd literally nearly died!

Some people like to downplay illness as their way of dealing with it. My MIL is definitely that type, sounds like your FIL is too

That sounds like she was referring to sleepless nights in the newborn stage. If so then that's not really relative to your horrendous birth experience to be fair

LonelynSad · 28/12/2023 14:26

2024betterBebetter · 28/12/2023 09:52

My in-laws are like this with me.
I find the best way to deal with them is to not see them when I’m feeling unwell. I have long term chronic illnesses so I don’t see much of them, which is a win in my book anyway. I don’t complain about my illnesses but my conditions are visible and that offends them for some reason.

Offends them? In what way? That's awful

LonelynSad · 28/12/2023 14:28

@autienotnaughty Wow Ive had a cold for 3 weeks that kept me in bed for several days due to vomiting , dizziness and horrific head/face pain. In the end I got antibiotics for sinusitis and it started to clear.

OP, those of us who are lone parents have to get on with it, no matter what is wrong with us! Lucky you that you had the option of spending 3 weeks in bed! That would not be an option in my wildest dreams....Unless I was in intensive care perhaps! Even imagining that isn't an option!

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2023 15:27

LonelynSad · 28/12/2023 14:28

@autienotnaughty Wow Ive had a cold for 3 weeks that kept me in bed for several days due to vomiting , dizziness and horrific head/face pain. In the end I got antibiotics for sinusitis and it started to clear.

OP, those of us who are lone parents have to get on with it, no matter what is wrong with us! Lucky you that you had the option of spending 3 weeks in bed! That would not be an option in my wildest dreams....Unless I was in intensive care perhaps! Even imagining that isn't an option!

Kept me in bed for several days . Like 3 or 4. But as someone who was a single parent for a few years yes it's sucks when you are ill

OP posts:

gooddayruby · 28/12/2023 16:55

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:42

It's nothing to do with them being in laws, but seems like you just don't like them (which us fine - you don't have to like them). You turned up feeling unwell and expected sympathy?
You've got a cold - not a big deal.
Your back's a bit sore....
The general approach for most of us would be to adopt a stiff upper lip and downplay our minor ailments - maybe your in laws thought it better not to make a fuss? If there's a next time, just stay home and then the problem won't arise.

You're just like them then😂