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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to end a 2 year relationship because we only see each other once a week?

44 replies

Bujobug · 27/12/2023 20:57

Been together 2 years exactly, when we first got together he was so honest and good at communicating no games or anything I thought we both wanted the same things.
we are busy with work that can be stressful but nothing life or death and both have teenage kids with other present parents.
he lives about 20/30 minutes up the road on the other side of town, his mother lives 5 minutes from me.
I used to go there in the week ever week plus weekends, I changed jobs to my dream job and finished later and was away from my son more so couldn’t do that anymore and was hoping he would pick up he slack but has not so now we only see each other Saturday nights and Sunday we have to pick our kids up.
Ive been honest that I want and need more especially in this stage of a relationship I thought would be forever and he just dismissed me says we’re busy. He’s making me out to be needy and controlling but I really don’t think I am.
ive broke up with him a few days before Christmas because I was going to all Christmas things alone so I thought I might as well be.
I love him and he is a good man but I spent more time missing him than with him anyway.
was I asking too much??
we are both late 30s kids all the same ages

OP posts:

jc12689 · 27/12/2023 21:03

Not sure there's any right or wrong in these situations and you're not being unreasonable but it just sounds like you're not on the same page about the relationship.

If it's not working for you then it's probably time to move on.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 21:06

From reading this, you expected him to pick up the slack and when he didn’t you dumped him.

It’s fine to want different things and to not be compatible but you need to take responsibility for your actions contributing towards the end of the relationship if you want to move on to be with someone else.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 21:09

He's not really bothered about your relationship, is he? Stop wasting your time.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/12/2023 21:13

Neither of you are wrong...there is no one right way to "do" relationships. I've been in a similar situation for a decade but we're both perfectly fine with it. Don't assume he isn't bothered about the relationship, or you based on this. Ask him, tell him what you want now and in the future and if his idea is different then amicably part.

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 01:49

I didn’t just expect him to pick up the slack one week and dump him the next it’s been over a year I’ve not been able to go over there regularly in the week and his imagination has come up with nothing to make up for that time wether it be coming to see me at mine in the week or doing something with all the kids together early weekend.
i often ask him to come to my family things and mostly the answer is he’ll let me know which makes me feel anxious and alone and like he’s got better things to do.
my sons birthday he did come but was very late and I didn’t know when he would get there until he turned up, my cousins wedding he came but it was the same story and after the first buffet type food so he and his kids were starving until the evening meal, was not doing anything particulars or important just seems to see me asking him to be anywhere or do anything as controlling him which I most definitely am not

OP posts:

HamBone · 28/12/2023 01:55

If your children are currently teenagers, you’ll have more time for each other in the not-too-distant future. My DD(18) is at uni and either working/out with her friends a lot when she’s home. DS (15) is obviously home more, but even he has activities and will be the same as DD in three years!

So your time will come, OP, it’s a case of whether you’re both committed enough to wait for it?

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 01:55

my responsibility is firstly to my child who I have with me 90% of the time. He has his kids a couple of times for diner in the week and weekend, there’s no reason he couldn’t have invited is knew when he is cooking for his kids or come here for dinner either with or without his kids but obviously cannot be bothered to include me or mine into his life.

OP posts:

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/12/2023 01:59

Where did you see your relationship going after 2 years ?

Did you think by now one of you would have moved in with the other ?

Are you hoping / thinking / expecting he will propose one day ?

Where did / do you see yourself with him in 10 years time ?

Fourecks · 28/12/2023 02:04

YANBU to want more from the relationship.

He is NBU to be happy with the status quo.

He is BU to call you needy and controlling.

Don't get back with him. You should be able to express what you want in a relationship and be met with kindness and understanding, even if he ultimately doesn't want the same thing.

NuffSaidSam · 28/12/2023 02:04

If it isn't working for you then of course you should end it. There's no value in dragging out a relationship that isn't working.

For me, once a week and keeping families fairly separate would be fine. I don't think he is wrong or bad for wanting it like that, but he's clearly not right for you so end it and move on.

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 02:05

Our teenagers are 14, 14 and 17.
he only has his a couple of times a week for tea which does not need to be protected time if he cooking for them why does he never think to invite us???
all the kids get on really well.
im not happy to leave my one kid alone in the house to visit my boyfriend when I have to cook for my dc then travel an hour there and back, he’s home alone 3 week nights a week when he’s not got his kids or could bring his kids here for dinner once a week or every couple of weeks.
anyway I’ve ended it, it’s not enough for me after 3 years he can’t just thing of the most simple way to include me and my child into his life even though we are supposed to be committed and making a life together?
whenever i do say my feelings and wants they are dismissed and minimised

OP posts:

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 02:16

we agreed from the start we would not be living together until all the kids had left home and are fully independent and I’m still more than happy with that I’m not asking to move me and my kid into his house I’ve got my own home, I’m asking to be a part of his life for more than 20 hours and a few texts a week?
im nearly 40, I wanted a real relationship and a real partner not something like teenagers have

OP posts:

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 02:26

I’m not asking for much I don’t think, weekend then a couple of hours in the week that’s all, for him to start including my kid when he takes his out, he’s even said to my son oh you should come x or y, he’s a kid he can’t get himself there so if you want to take him communicate with me and make it happen instead of being a flake.

OP posts:

HamBone · 28/12/2023 02:31

It doesn’t sound as if you were on the same page about how the relationship was developing. So it’s best that you’ve ended it. It hurts, of course, but you’ve done the right thing for you. 💐

MintJulia · 28/12/2023 02:35

OP, what does he do for a living? You said you changed job and that reduced your available time. What is his job like? 9-5 or shifts or a busy sales job with targets, where office hours can mean anything?

Just because he doesn't have his dcs every night, doesn't necessarily mean he can't be bothered. There are other commitments.

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 02:40

Yes it does hurt because I love him and he is a good man, just doesn’t seem like he’s got much to give or is very good at communicating.
it’s not the relationship i wanted or was led to believe I was getting into so I’m disappointed and sad.
Im no contact now, feel like I’ve banged my head on a wall explaining I want a few hours in the week and it’s been met with defensiveness deflection and blame like I’m a weirdo or controlling for wanting my partner be there with me in the week even for a drive somewhere or a quick drink to catch up or dinner for him and his kids ive made suggestions none are ok or good enough i need to stick to my appointment Time which changes every week and I’m just not ok with that anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 02:58

He works 7 to 3,
i work 9 to 5 or 6 depending where I’m based plus every other Saturday 8 to 5, I love the job I do now but it’s not as flexible as what i did before.
id like to spend some of my limited free time with who I thought was my partner, he sees spending time with me as an extra chore.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 28/12/2023 03:08

I think you just want different things.

Once a week is enough for me. I have a 13 yo and my partner has no kids. I'm happy with the arrangements.

The issue is you aren't. I don't think you need to ask on here if you are happy with your decision.

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 03:10

Neither of us have a job you take home with you, he’s not working a high pressure sales job and neither am I, I probably think about my work more because i come into contact with some very vulnerable people who I’d love to be able to help more if we had the resources, his job is mentally taxing and detailed and can be high pressure while he’s working but when he’s off from work he’s off he doesn’t have clients or anything like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bujobug · 28/12/2023 03:16

Yes I think we want different things, once a week was enough for me but after 2 years I feel we should be moving forward and being there for each other more and integrating our lives more and I can see 10 ways to do that but none of them are ok with him.
ok, I’ll find someone who wants to spend Christmas with me, that’s all I wanted.

OP posts:

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 07:55

You are still thinking in terms of "should be" moving forward etc. If that's what you want it's ok but it's not wrong that he doesn't see it like that. If he only sees his boys twice a week, I can understand why he and they don't want extraneous company or to drive to yours. You sound really angry with him but it's really just incompatibility, he's not an arsehole from what you've said.
I'm not entirely unsympathetic..in the earlier years of my relationship I did hope that dp would get more involved with my kids, my son especially as his dad is basically absent but I never felt comfortable with anything approaching a "blended" dynamic and it just works best as us as separate people who will, in maybe another 5 years, be able to move forward once kids are grown. It wasn't what I envisaged when I first became a single parent but it's ok. There's no "should" about it.

youngones1 · 28/12/2023 08:02

It seems he is happy with the status quo but you want more. Neither of you are in the wrong, you just want different things at the moment. Have a real think about whether you can accept continuing things the way they are and if not, let him go.

emmetgirl · 28/12/2023 08:16

If he wanted to see you more, he would.

MassageForLife · 28/12/2023 08:24

Are you saying you were spending twenty hours together a week? I think that's quite a lot for someone you aren't living with, when you both work full time and have children. Having said that, it seems like you weren't getting what you wanted from the relationship, while he was happy with it, so it makes sense to break up.

Floopani · 28/12/2023 08:31

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/12/2023 21:13

Agree with @BibbleandSqwauk , as I have also been in a similar situation for a decade. Teenagers, busy jobs, running a house each etc and only minimal time we can spend together. However, my DP is absolutely amazing and we love each other very much. We just bought a house together and are getting married next year so it can work, but only with good communication and a lot of love.

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