AIBU to end a 2 year relationship because we only see each other once a week?

[Bujobug]

Been together 2 years exactly, when we first got together he was so honest and good at communicating no games or anything I thought we both wanted the same things.
we are busy with work that can be stressful but nothing life or death and both have teenage kids with other present parents.
he lives about 20/30 minutes up the road on the other side of town, his mother lives 5 minutes from me.
I used to go there in the week ever week plus weekends, I changed jobs to my dream job and finished later and was away from my son more so couldn’t do that anymore and was hoping he would pick up he slack but has not so now we only see each other Saturday nights and Sunday we have to pick our kids up.
Ive been honest that I want and need more especially in this stage of a relationship I thought would be forever and he just dismissed me says we’re busy. He’s making me out to be needy and controlling but I really don’t think I am.
ive broke up with him a few days before Christmas because I was going to all Christmas things alone so I thought I might as well be.
I love him and he is a good man but I spent more time missing him than with him anyway.
was I asking too much??
we are both late 30s kids all the same ages

There are no wrongs here. Your level of contact sounds somewhat similar to a widower friend of mine. His gf has adult kids and he doesn’t have kids, they live their lives very separately and meet up when it suits them. You need to be on the same page with that level of light touch commitment and clearly you are not. You needing more is normal. Him needing what you have is normal but you are not meeting each others needs clearly.

I think it's good that you've ended it and you've been honest.

Obviously the relationship wasn’t working for you and so YANBU to end it.

However, it’s a bit off to make out that this is his fault when it was you who changed jobs and then “was hoping he would pick up he slack”.

I understand where you are coming from and think you are right to feel let down by his lack of need / desire to become more integrated.

I’m in a similar set up living at a similar distance, similar working patterns, kids ages etc but we are far more intwined. I feel like our commitment to each other is no different to those who live together and I think that is what you’re missing. My DP will come over on weeknights and we have always taken lots of holidays together. He makes a lot of effort to make sure we have plenty of time together and I know, kids aside, I am the most important person in his life and he mine. This has developed slowly though, mostly through my wishes and we are a few more years in that you.

Maybe see if you can talk to him about why he’s keeping you at arms length - as that may just be barriers up from previous hurt? They can be hard to break down but not impossible if he’s open to getting to the heart of the matter.

Due to work I live 6 hours away from my husband. It's no life really.

My thought too. I can’t see you progressing from once a week to moving in together eventually.

I’m sorry but he just doesn’t sound that into you. If he felt the same as you, he would have made more effort. Maybe he was just too cowardly to end it.

I think you have done the right thing.

How did he react when you told him? I think this will also tell you how he felt.

look forward to someone new who cherishes you!

He seems pretty upset to be honest and I do think he loves me a lot.
I know he feels this is enough for him, maybe I am just too needy because I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on and I’ve not really felt supported as I would have liked to have been.
im not thinking about meeting someone else I wanted him and thought this was it and he is a good man, I trust him completely that he doesn’t lie or cheat on me and never would.
whoever said soft touch commitment I think is right, he is committed to me maybe it’s me who can’t commit more completely without the physical contact even though I love him and think about him all the time.
I think maybe too much has been said now anyway.

To be clear I don’t want a blended family at all and we both said from the beginning we wouldn’t think about moving in together until all the kids are independent, that could easily be another 10 years and we’re both ok with that, all of our kids have been though a lot already his more so than mine.
just think it wouldn’t hurt to take them all out for a burger every couple of months and yes just a little bit more integration, I’m not trying to muscle in on his time with his kids it’s a loose arrangement he has them a couple of times in the week and every other weekend, mine are with dad Saturday nights to Sunday weekly so it’s mostly Saturday night Sunday morning we spent together

About 20 hours a week yes, 8 or 9 of those we are sleeping or trying to.
I think he’s comfortable with how things are and this is exactly what he wanted except for me moaning at him and wanting more

Why are people saying neither is wrong?! He's trying to lead op to believe she's needy and controlling. He's led her to believe he wants a relationship but has her anxious about whether he'll turn up to things and doesn't commit to plans.

Don't get back together with him op. He's not bothered about the relationship and has put zero effort in throughout. You can do better than this.

Thus reads to me like he only wants time with you when sex is on the cards.

He doesn't want to mix the kids and family time up with his girlfriend. He will move forward with his gf when kids have left home. Good on him.

You sound like you have lost the plot, wanting to go over there for tea in the week, why? Why do you want to disrupt him having tea with his kids? They need his attention and to maintain their relationship with him. Butt out.

maybe it’s me who can’t commit more completely without the physical contact even though I love him and think about him all the time.

No it’s not that. Look at his actions. He is not putting in as much effort as you are. When you got a different job he didn’t make the effort to fill the gap. And he’s not been as supportive as you had hoped.

Please don’t doubt yourself op. You are entitled to feel how you feel. He doesn’t want more engagement but you do, and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. Although it’s upsetting, I am glad that you have stood up for yourself and left. I hope you will find someone who is ready to make more of a commitment and develop a more secure connection with you.

It’s really not about sex I know that and im
not worried about it, I think he is committed and does love me it’s just not enough for me i need a bit more presence.
I want to be his family, if I’m wrong for that so be it but after 2 years why can’t he include me in His life?
I’ve not lost the plot or anything else and I won’t be made to feel like a mental person for having basic wants and needs, if anything it’s you who sounds mental slagging a random woman on the internet, for what reason? I’m not a bad mad or nasty person I’m just asking for advice, I used to go there once a week for tea when his kids weren’t there as they’re mostly not, I changed jobs do I can’t do that now.
Im not and never would try to come between him and his kids ever it’s one of the things I love about him and respect him for is that he’s thre for them so much and does his best for them and has been doing for years, not that it’s anyone else’s business or makes any difference to him or me one of them is not actually his biological kid but he treats them the same and I do I.

Thank you all who gave helpful advice.
my head is a bit clearer now so thank you

I’m not looking for anyone else I wanted him.
to he honest the cess pit that is online dating is making me less sure even tho I know that’s not a good reason to stay with someone, but he’s loyal and hardworking and not pornsick which a lot of men my age are

I wouldn't want someone who left me hanging and turned up late to things either.

His kids like mine they get on well it’s not like we would be like some parasite turning up and ruining everything, both kids have plenty of time with him, one of them has plenty time with their own dad although they prefer my boyfriend because he’s kinder, more loving less judgmental and just there putting them first which their own dad seems to struggle with, I’ve always teated them both the same he calls them
his kids, they’re his kids, even before I met the older one I sent Easter eggs and treats for them cuz I’m not sending one kid home with something and nothing for the other one, I’ve gave them both lifts places I’ve treated them exactly the same