Piggy in the middle? - mom/me/OH

[Twinkleyes]

Hi. First time in here as I feel bit lonely and dont know who to turn to without harsh judgement! (Please go easy on me it's a long post apologies).
I'll try and summarise but doubt I can! Me and my OH home educate our two children 9/5 yrs old. 9 yr old roughly 3 yrs and 5 yr old since sept. Alongside this we started a small business in 2022 but decided to take a break and focus on home ed and ourselves as I have an auto immune disease which means I need to slow down 'normal' pace life a lot of us can normally bare.
I would like to think we do well with home ed and is like to think I try my best to make life as good as I can for my children and us.
Typical routine in our unschooling (not rigid or set routine every day) Mon and tuesday are relaxed days for park/cleaning/bits of learning. Tuesday or Wednesday is also half hour 121 swim lesson. Wed is home ed meet up at outdoor climbing park if they want to go which is most times but winter obviously bit harder so we try do other bits like shopping etc the kids like, Thursday is local home ed hall/park meet up, fri is a local home ed meet up we personally started up closer to home. Saturday karate session, sunday chill. Learning inbetween all of it.

We have a small family so the only restbite we manage to get is whenever my mother has them overnight approx once a month sometimes longer which we are very grateful of. I have a brother who's married with his own bought house who works in construction who also has two small children who my mom watches just as much too although they have another set of grandparents from my SILs side.

My partner wishes to be at home to support me and the business when we are back up running and tries to help out in the house best he can. He didnt speak with his mom or step dad for over 7 yrs till present as his mom moved away and to be honest there was no reason why she cut contact all whilst knowing she had 2 grandchildren here.

Problems..

My mom and OH have never really saw eye to eye. We went through a rough time in the first yr with our baby due to my undiagnosed immune disease but gradually got things back on track. (Weve been together 11 yrs) Looking back, my partner nor my mother dealt with it the best and would just retaliate or make me worse. I personally feel a clash of strong personalities prevents them from getting along yet they are civil with each other. There have been bits of issues over the yrs ' I didnt like the way she said this' or 'is he doing this for you'. My partner is an only child, I'm not. I've always found my partner difficult and stubborn with family get togethers, he feels awkward and feels my family dont like him so why should he be there. He doesnt have a strong bond with any of his family nor mom so I took it as how could he understand me in that way given his own upbringing as an only child.
After a great summer. We came back and slowly started work only for my OH to get a phone call that his stepdad had died and his mother was there who tried to resuscitate. Obviously he dropped everything and so did I. We went down there to see his mom etc. I immediately put my grievances aside to support the situation, albeit slightly awkward but I tried my best.

I visited my mom in oct just before halloween, I could see she was in a mood and it all slowly but surely poured out of her to the point she was crying angrily and told me to leave and that she will never worry about me anymore just my kids.
The conversation started by her asking when/if me and my OH could buy a house. Then that she could see I wasnt happy and theres no time for me, (i know she would rather see my kids in school so i can do more things for myself) then how my kids have changed, (she didnt explain that) how i pushed everyone out my life (no i didnt i just stopped trying as i always visited everyone or made effort and when i was having my baby my 'best friends' showed there true colours and never bothered visiting me so i simply give in to it!) Also "why" do me and my OH need a break, why is my mom my only support, why dont i go to clubs or restaurants with my OH (we only get 1 day to ourselves a month so that's the last thing i want to do personally) to be honest it just felt like she questioned everything about my life choices!! Like they arent good enough!! She scalded my partner yet again saying he doesnt try with the family. ( I've seen more effort in him this year over any year). He painted her bathroom as a suprise, he offered to buy her a weekend away in october so we did as shes still a single parent to 18 yr old and obviously a nan to 4 children working full time. He gave his car to my younger brother, he mowed her grass while at work, took fog for walks, offers drinks when she come kn and small general talks etc). This was all recent over the last few months. Basically saying she got rid of the men in her life when she was unhappy, why havent I. She did this the night before the funeral of my OHs stepdad.

After all said and done I asked for her to come have a chat about a week and a half after..her response was that she had some things she needed to do for herself. She text again mentioning she had work to do and even acknowledged 'I know work doesnt come before family'. When she did tell me a day she could come round,I cancelled because my kids were poorly with virals. My birthday was soon after, so when she came round it was awkward.

She mentioned to have that chat, but nothing more came of it. She came round again to discuss my 18 yr old brothers payments as he was buying my OHs stepdads car (thanks to my OH letting it go cheaper with monthly installments even after what she did the night before the funeral) and said again to both me and OH we will have a chat just obviously dont want things negative right now or something along them lines.

Fast forward she has been trying to be normal and nice with me and I have not made that difficult for her. I've been nice, civil, engaging and gradually feel she has disregarded any chat or potential apology for the way she had her outburst on my life.

This has yet again put a wedge between me and OH as I went round xmas day with my children for a few hours and I'm a 'hypocrite'. I can see what he means but I'm trying to be civil for my children and my younger brother all while waiting to see if she brings anything up rather than it be me all the time in the past I'd be the one chasing her to sort things out as shes stubborn.

On xmas day I said you shouldn't have spent so much on me, as she spoils the kids.. she said yeh well I wanted to given I've made people feel like s*t and I didnt mean to. I knew she was on about me but she called me people and it it just felt like she couldnt face up to saying anything clearly to me. My partner was in a mood xmas day because I was there, plus his grief with his stepdads bday on 23rd and his mom being on her own an hour away from us. Xmas dinner nearly wasnt done by him. He slagged me off for spoiling the kids when theres suffering out in the world etc and kept moaning we arent Christian's etc. I was brought up catholic but I am no longer religious. My children have been taught about christianity as well as other religions, and pre Christian celebrations. We are a spiritual family not religious but my partner has been aggressive with his views this yr about the commercial sides of xmas and getting sucked into it. I am NOT a Christmas eve box mom, infact since living here we have never had a table out as our home is too small.. only this yr I planned to do that unsuccessfully. I bought my son a switch and he was upset hes bot allowed to play a certain game which led to a minor morning strop for a couple of minutes but my OH snapped and went upstairs. It was my sons 4th yr of asking for one and I wanted to finally do it. My best friend lost her mom in may and i gave her and her family a small token on her moms xmas eve birthday. He slagged me off for that too and how people cry out for attention on social media while his mom is there lonely. I know most of it is irrational and down to grief but BOY I feel like I'm getting hit from every angle.

He is now saying that he wont be going to my niece and nephews christening as he dont agree with it. He hates my mom for what she did. (She also put up what's app profile pic that were indirect digs at us). I'm just totally fed up of it all. I feel like I've tried to grow as a person with my immune disease as stress triggers it so I need to be aware of peoples toxic traits and be mindful how to respond. I feel like this is the end of it all and I'm worried theres no going back. I love my partner he supports me in many ways and our morals aline in many ways for us and our kids, but my mom has made it worse the way she spoke to me like she cant accept him for who he is even when hes tried with her. I've been in similar cycles to thisnin the past and I just dont know where to go. Do I throw it all away now? I thought me and my mom was close but I feel that I cant even sit in my own moms house and have a lil moan that I'm tired or say anything because she will judge me! ( I remember another part of her outburst was because i made a remark infront of my mom to my 9 yr old son about my mental health something like, what about my mental health son.. I cant remember the context at the time) she told me I shouldnt be saying things like that to my son and kids shouldnt hear it. I told her I teach my kids about physical and mental health in a positive way.

I feel like so much has happened over the last few months I do apologise for the length of post but I felt I needed to put each bit of recent bits in here for anyone who has made it this far. If you have, thank you for reading and taking the time out. I'm worried about the responses I'll get on here im never this open, but I dont know where to turn and need to woman up and hear your views..

Ps.. my children are non of the wiser to most of this, both me and OH chat away from the kids. They know dad is grieving and has his moments thats about it.

Sweet Jesus, I thought that was never going to end. Quite impressed that I managed to skim to the end, especially after mentally checking out from the word “unschooled” onwards.

Anyway, your husband sounds like a bit of a prick (can’t really chalk this up to being an old child). Your mum doesn’t sound too great either. Your kids should be in school.

This!
🤦‍♀️

Apostrophes are so underrated.

Op.. we're all very intrigued to know what you and your husband do for money since neither of you work???

What are you asking in your post?
I think your Mum is worried about your children, she's got to the point of crying about it. She tried to treat you at Christmas and that backfired. Put your adult squabbles aside and sit down alone with her and listen calmly to what she has to say. I'm not even going to start on your approach to home education, others have clearly identified the concerns with that.

Why did your DH leave his mum alone for the first time she had to get through her late husbands birthday and Christmas, and then seem to blame everyone else in the world for that fact?

If he is calling you a hypocrite for visiting your mum, have you been telling him what he wants to hear/agreeing with him for an easy life, or are you actually being one?
I read it like your family don't like him because he doesn't make an effort with them, and then he uses that as a reason not to make an effort with them. And perhaps you don't put either straight when they criticise the other. You need to tell both sides that the other is important to you and its an effort they should make for you and the children (not each other).

Edit: whether that effort is to be civil in person or just to stop slagging each other off to you!

Why do you have so many home ed playdates? Maybe stay home and do some actual learning?

And the very first post sums it up neatly.

You should put your DC into school immediately as you are clearly damaging their education. Their lives sound like one long holiday and, as well as lacking the social side, they will learn to write things like “restbite” (respite?) and “could of”.

I know you say the home schooling isn't the point of your thread but you did go into some detail about it and it sounds like the only actual learning they do is a little bit on a Monday. Sounds incredibly inadequate. What are you teaching them? They need more frequent "restbite" then one night a month. In other words, they need to go to school.

OP your post was very long winded, still not sure if I’ve fully understood it. Your dc need to be in school, where they can be taught by those qualified to undertake the task.

I think the TLDR version is that OP’s mum is worried that OP is overburdened and isolated and her partner doesn’t do enough to help. This turns into nagging and criticism of OP’s partner, which OP considers unfair. OP’s mum then tries to overcompensate for her behaviour with lavish gifts.

OP’s partner lashes out in response to the mother’s criticism and he is now extra upset because he was recently bereaved and has an issue with celebrating Christmas (maybe because money is tight due to their both “home schooling” their children instead of working).

OP, it sounds like your mum’s heart is in the right place, even if she doesn’t always express herself well, and she is trying to help you. Naturally, she is very concerned about her grandchildren, who are effectively being deprived of a proper education. I think your partner should get a job (and you too, if you can, even if it’s part time) and the DCs should go straight to school then a lot of this will resolve itself.

Home schooling doesn't need to be hours at a desk. Particularly in primary most of the day is break/lunch and whole class inputs/settling disruptions/re-explaining...and again. The same learning could take place in a fraction of the time and still allow for meet ups and activities.

Whether the actual learning in each case is adequate is a different question.

I read at least 2/3s of the OP. I think your mum is worried about how things are going for your family.

I think your life would be a lot smoother and less stressful if you send your children to school. I don’t think you are doing them any favours have chill days where you clean and they don’t do anything and then maybe a small hour of learning here and there. They are going to miss out on lots of opportunities in life from your decision to take them out of school.

Yes, @Lovingitallnow I thought this too and was trying to work out children’s ages vs last time there was a post about him to see if it could be the daughter posting. Of course, it’s not.

i was thinking about that line of posts the other day - there hasn’t been any recently, has there?

I’m also getting Lobster Boy vibes.

OP there’s a huge amount to unpick here and from a a difficult to digest post. Home educating is hugely demanding and you are ill and need to rest. You also have very poor written English which doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mother, but it does make home educating your children an additional challenge. I do wonder if your husband was the main driver of the home education idea? Your mother may not be perfect and he doesn’t have to like her but it sounds like he is a man who has fallen out with his own family and resents your relationship with yours. Is there a pattern of him putting obstacles in the way of you and your children having relationships or interests outside of the house and your nuclear family? It’s a shame your friends dropped off when you had a baby, it does happen sadly. How did your DH react? Did he suggest inviting them round? Taking the baby for a couple of hours so you could go out for a coffee? Or did he immediately rage about what shallow people they were who had shown their true colours? I wonder if this is what your mum is getting at when she clumsily addressed you not going out etc. She fears you are isolating yourselves and that your husband is the main driver behind it. One way people isolate partners from friends and family is by waiting until a friend or relative does something “wrong” that annoys their partner and when they moan or tell them, they pounce on it and whip it up, as if they are outraged you have been treated that way and they are DEFENDING you. This is confusing because we get warm vibes of how protective of us he is, how he has our back because he really loves us, - but what’s happening is that he’s using the minor wrinkles that occur in all normal relations with friends and family to drive a wedge between you and them, bolstering his centrality in your life and your reliance on him. Only he can be trusted, only he has your back! Others all prove themselves unreliable and let you down in their way. Anyone who challenges his view of things is a threat.

I really think you need to chat to someone in real life about all this. It’s very complicated and there’s too much going on for us to offer much informed advice. It sounds like money is tight but perhaps there are counselling services you could access locally that are affordable. Do not go to anything provided by your husband’s church, you need someone with accreditation from reputable professional bodies. There are a lot of amateur counsellors out there. You could ask at your GP surgery. You should go alone initially.

You should not be home schooling anyone.

Let your kids go to school and get a job.

Yes, OP, you really need some outside help and advice here.

I don't think you realise quite how much your very long post revealed about your lifestyle.

I think that you are indeed trapped between your DM and DH, but from what you've said, there's a good reason for this.

Your DH seems to be controlling you and has some very odd ideas.

Your DM seems desperately worried about you and the children, and I can well understand why.

I would strongly advise you to prioritise your relationship with your DM. She is the voice of reason here. And I think you will have need of her in the future. You know that she loves you and the children; don't blame her for being worried about the situation.

Whilst I know you didn't post for broader advice about your lifestyle, what you wrote is concerning enough that people are going to advise you on it.

I strongly urge you to take some time to read the advice here with an open mind. This is not the time to dig your heels in. And your DH is not automatically right in his thoughts or views.

You are an adult and a parent - it's time to start thinking independently and logically about what would be best for the children (outside of DH's opinions).

Why are you home schooling your children when your family appears to be dysfunctional and your husband is a poor role model in communication and has little to no tolerance.

Your mother sounds normal.

With all due respect your post was poorly written and meandering and the thought of you homeschooling your children is worrying.

I’m struggling to believe this was written by an adult.

Please send your children to school where they can get some respite from all this dysfunction and drama in the home.

I don't think OP is coming back....

Agreed. Maybe she is busy teaching "bits of learning" to her "unschooled" children. Probably not. Those poor kids are going to grow up so educationally and socially disadvantaged.

I think your mum is right that you spend too much time alone with a man who is always angry at you about something and she’s worried about your poor kids. I also agree it makes no sense why all of you are trapped together 24/7 when clearly you just row all the time with him and if you think the kids don’t notice any of this, you are deluding yourself. I also think they should be in school, all this drama is so intense and your post is so long and confusing.

yep. personally I think anyone homeschooling their kids should have to prove they meet certain minimum education requirements themselves... like... you know... teachers to give a completely unrelated and random example.

@PrimroseSilk - totally agree with you. Very few of the activities sound educational in any way.I have no issue with home Ed but it needs proper structure and knowledge. Your English is pretty shocking.

@therealcookiemonster yes I can't believe anyone can homeschool their children no matter their own education and literacy level. It makes me so sad. There should definitely be a minimum requirement of literacy and education and a home check.