Piggy in the middle? - mom/me/OH

[Twinkleyes]

Hi. First time in here as I feel bit lonely and dont know who to turn to without harsh judgement! (Please go easy on me it's a long post apologies).
I'll try and summarise but doubt I can! Me and my OH home educate our two children 9/5 yrs old. 9 yr old roughly 3 yrs and 5 yr old since sept. Alongside this we started a small business in 2022 but decided to take a break and focus on home ed and ourselves as I have an auto immune disease which means I need to slow down 'normal' pace life a lot of us can normally bare.
I would like to think we do well with home ed and is like to think I try my best to make life as good as I can for my children and us.
Typical routine in our unschooling (not rigid or set routine every day) Mon and tuesday are relaxed days for park/cleaning/bits of learning. Tuesday or Wednesday is also half hour 121 swim lesson. Wed is home ed meet up at outdoor climbing park if they want to go which is most times but winter obviously bit harder so we try do other bits like shopping etc the kids like, Thursday is local home ed hall/park meet up, fri is a local home ed meet up we personally started up closer to home. Saturday karate session, sunday chill. Learning inbetween all of it.

We have a small family so the only restbite we manage to get is whenever my mother has them overnight approx once a month sometimes longer which we are very grateful of. I have a brother who's married with his own bought house who works in construction who also has two small children who my mom watches just as much too although they have another set of grandparents from my SILs side.

My partner wishes to be at home to support me and the business when we are back up running and tries to help out in the house best he can. He didnt speak with his mom or step dad for over 7 yrs till present as his mom moved away and to be honest there was no reason why she cut contact all whilst knowing she had 2 grandchildren here.

Problems..

My mom and OH have never really saw eye to eye. We went through a rough time in the first yr with our baby due to my undiagnosed immune disease but gradually got things back on track. (Weve been together 11 yrs) Looking back, my partner nor my mother dealt with it the best and would just retaliate or make me worse. I personally feel a clash of strong personalities prevents them from getting along yet they are civil with each other. There have been bits of issues over the yrs ' I didnt like the way she said this' or 'is he doing this for you'. My partner is an only child, I'm not. I've always found my partner difficult and stubborn with family get togethers, he feels awkward and feels my family dont like him so why should he be there. He doesnt have a strong bond with any of his family nor mom so I took it as how could he understand me in that way given his own upbringing as an only child.
After a great summer. We came back and slowly started work only for my OH to get a phone call that his stepdad had died and his mother was there who tried to resuscitate. Obviously he dropped everything and so did I. We went down there to see his mom etc. I immediately put my grievances aside to support the situation, albeit slightly awkward but I tried my best.

I visited my mom in oct just before halloween, I could see she was in a mood and it all slowly but surely poured out of her to the point she was crying angrily and told me to leave and that she will never worry about me anymore just my kids.
The conversation started by her asking when/if me and my OH could buy a house. Then that she could see I wasnt happy and theres no time for me, (i know she would rather see my kids in school so i can do more things for myself) then how my kids have changed, (she didnt explain that) how i pushed everyone out my life (no i didnt i just stopped trying as i always visited everyone or made effort and when i was having my baby my 'best friends' showed there true colours and never bothered visiting me so i simply give in to it!) Also "why" do me and my OH need a break, why is my mom my only support, why dont i go to clubs or restaurants with my OH (we only get 1 day to ourselves a month so that's the last thing i want to do personally) to be honest it just felt like she questioned everything about my life choices!! Like they arent good enough!! She scalded my partner yet again saying he doesnt try with the family. ( I've seen more effort in him this year over any year). He painted her bathroom as a suprise, he offered to buy her a weekend away in october so we did as shes still a single parent to 18 yr old and obviously a nan to 4 children working full time. He gave his car to my younger brother, he mowed her grass while at work, took fog for walks, offers drinks when she come kn and small general talks etc). This was all recent over the last few months. Basically saying she got rid of the men in her life when she was unhappy, why havent I. She did this the night before the funeral of my OHs stepdad.

After all said and done I asked for her to come have a chat about a week and a half after..her response was that she had some things she needed to do for herself. She text again mentioning she had work to do and even acknowledged 'I know work doesnt come before family'. When she did tell me a day she could come round,I cancelled because my kids were poorly with virals. My birthday was soon after, so when she came round it was awkward.

She mentioned to have that chat, but nothing more came of it. She came round again to discuss my 18 yr old brothers payments as he was buying my OHs stepdads car (thanks to my OH letting it go cheaper with monthly installments even after what she did the night before the funeral) and said again to both me and OH we will have a chat just obviously dont want things negative right now or something along them lines.

Fast forward she has been trying to be normal and nice with me and I have not made that difficult for her. I've been nice, civil, engaging and gradually feel she has disregarded any chat or potential apology for the way she had her outburst on my life.

This has yet again put a wedge between me and OH as I went round xmas day with my children for a few hours and I'm a 'hypocrite'. I can see what he means but I'm trying to be civil for my children and my younger brother all while waiting to see if she brings anything up rather than it be me all the time in the past I'd be the one chasing her to sort things out as shes stubborn.

On xmas day I said you shouldn't have spent so much on me, as she spoils the kids.. she said yeh well I wanted to given I've made people feel like s*t and I didnt mean to. I knew she was on about me but she called me people and it it just felt like she couldnt face up to saying anything clearly to me. My partner was in a mood xmas day because I was there, plus his grief with his stepdads bday on 23rd and his mom being on her own an hour away from us. Xmas dinner nearly wasnt done by him. He slagged me off for spoiling the kids when theres suffering out in the world etc and kept moaning we arent Christian's etc. I was brought up catholic but I am no longer religious. My children have been taught about christianity as well as other religions, and pre Christian celebrations. We are a spiritual family not religious but my partner has been aggressive with his views this yr about the commercial sides of xmas and getting sucked into it. I am NOT a Christmas eve box mom, infact since living here we have never had a table out as our home is too small.. only this yr I planned to do that unsuccessfully. I bought my son a switch and he was upset hes bot allowed to play a certain game which led to a minor morning strop for a couple of minutes but my OH snapped and went upstairs. It was my sons 4th yr of asking for one and I wanted to finally do it. My best friend lost her mom in may and i gave her and her family a small token on her moms xmas eve birthday. He slagged me off for that too and how people cry out for attention on social media while his mom is there lonely. I know most of it is irrational and down to grief but BOY I feel like I'm getting hit from every angle.

He is now saying that he wont be going to my niece and nephews christening as he dont agree with it. He hates my mom for what she did. (She also put up what's app profile pic that were indirect digs at us). I'm just totally fed up of it all. I feel like I've tried to grow as a person with my immune disease as stress triggers it so I need to be aware of peoples toxic traits and be mindful how to respond. I feel like this is the end of it all and I'm worried theres no going back. I love my partner he supports me in many ways and our morals aline in many ways for us and our kids, but my mom has made it worse the way she spoke to me like she cant accept him for who he is even when hes tried with her. I've been in similar cycles to thisnin the past and I just dont know where to go. Do I throw it all away now? I thought me and my mom was close but I feel that I cant even sit in my own moms house and have a lil moan that I'm tired or say anything because she will judge me! ( I remember another part of her outburst was because i made a remark infront of my mom to my 9 yr old son about my mental health something like, what about my mental health son.. I cant remember the context at the time) she told me I shouldnt be saying things like that to my son and kids shouldnt hear it. I told her I teach my kids about physical and mental health in a positive way.

I feel like so much has happened over the last few months I do apologise for the length of post but I felt I needed to put each bit of recent bits in here for anyone who has made it this far. If you have, thank you for reading and taking the time out. I'm worried about the responses I'll get on here im never this open, but I dont know where to turn and need to woman up and hear your views..

Ps.. my children are non of the wiser to most of this, both me and OH chat away from the kids. They know dad is grieving and has his moments thats about it.

Sounds like your kids need to go to school, better that than a completely frazzled mother
home Ed is a huge undertaking ( from experience) and being now around many children now in their 20’s who where “ unschooled “it’s put them all at a disadvantage, not to mention the strain on the parents

This! Your written English is extremely poor and certainly not strong enough to teach your children.

If you take anything away from the replies you are receiving i hope it is that you must enrol your children in a school - your posts make it clear as day that you are not equipped to home educate them.

I have no idea what question you are asking but if you can’t get on with your mum perhaps you shouldn’t use her for babysitting.

Yep I’m afraid I agree with everyone else, got completely lost in the post and not sure what you are asking.

I don’t understand why you have taken your kids out of school. Is it because of your auto immune disease and wanting to have smaller circles? I don’t think it’s best for them and it doesn’t sound like they will be getting much of an education. What will happen as they get older and need to learn more than you can offer them? Are you checking they aren’t falling behind socially and academically.

How are you affording life if neither of you work?

Really, you can tell from an informal post on a social media site who should and should not be home educating (not "home schooling") their children?

Judging by the content of your post, you sound too judgemental to be teaching anyone.

Home educated children don't need five hours a day of lesson time. You sound ill-informed.

Also if you don’t have a table because the house is too small where are the kids doing there school work?

Put your children in school. Then they can learn some basic literacy, and you'll have freed up some time to sort out the rest of the mess.

Why are you home schooling or not schooling? Your spelling and grammar is not good enough to teach even at primary level tbh.

Your partner sounds quite controlling.

I struggled to follow this too but my vague impression is that your mum is worried about you. I might be wrong but I inferred that:

• much of the unschooling stuff comes from your OH
• you sometimes struggle for money

...and if not, at least that's how it might look to your mum?

Your mum might worry that you're isolating yourself and your family because a) your husband doesn't like family gatherings etc (which can isolate you over the years, because you start to decline invites etc to stay with him), and b) because you're homeschooling your kids (which is isolating from society in a sense, no matter how many home ed groups you go to).

Your mum might also worry about your financial situation given your disability, your fledgling business (and your decision to take a break), and the fact that your decision to home educate massively reduces your earning potential.

Obviously, it's up to you how much these things bother you, but having witnessed a family member isolate herself completely from life and her family because of a controlling partner... I can see why your mum is worried. Not saying she's handled it particularly well, but who can say they have always acted perfectly in every situation?

(N.B.: I'm also not saying your partner is controlling, necessarily, as it's impossible to say from your post. It just might be something to watch out for. But you know him best. Maybe read the page on coercive control on the Relate website and see if any of it hits home.)

Having just eaten a box of boneless wings I nearly passed out from the effort needed to make sense of your post @Twinkleyes. From what I can tell, you are absolutely not qualified to home Ed your children as your writing, spelling and punctuation skills are pretty much non existent. you also seem to have a lot going on, perhaps psychological issues (your emotional response to all this seems... different?) and a chronic physical condition. for your sake (but more importantly the children's) please send them to school. I am not against home ed at all, a lot of people in my social circle successfully home Ed their children. however, they either employ qualified teachers or are incredibly well educated/well versed in education and hence are extremely well qualified. I just feel you may not have the skill set that is needed. sorry to be harsh.

There's a lot going on in your post but it strikes me that it would be beneficial to your family if your children were in school. They would be learning, they would have space, you could get some rest and be a better, healthier mum as a result, partner could work. Your mum thinks the children have changed. It sounds like she's just really worried about you all and she doesn't say anything until it's all too much and then it all comes out. You should listen to her properly and ask how she thinks the children have changed and what she thinks would help that. I think it all sounds very intense in your house and this can't be good for kids. I do feel very sorry for them.

It’s ‘respite’ not restbite. You don’t get a bite of rest.

Get those children into school where they can be taught by qualified teachers and develop their social skills.

Might help if you decided what you WANT from your mum. An apology? It does sound like she's worried about your kids. Also doing a lot with regards to respite, looking after other grandchildren, working fulltime.

And what do you want from your OH? I have to agree with everyone who said he sounds controlling. If he doesn't have a job/stays to help you, what sort of support do you need from him?

Home education is not an easy task. I HE'd my son for a year - but I was a well-educated SAHM with some family support, and I found it demanding, and would never have done it past Y4/5. I have to say that I think you ought to get your ducks in order and take a look at alternatives. If you can find a decent primary to agree to flexi-schooling, for example. Forest school sometimes takes older kids.

I am a MASSIVE proponent of things like delaying formal education until 7, and I've seen unschooling work in certain situations, but your family situation might not be the most supportive for later-primary years. My apologies.

One further option could be to sit down with a trusted mediator and clear the air between your OH and your mum. Or at least to get you out of the middle and stop them harping on to you, about each other.

Sit down and sort this nonsense out - you all love each other. Life is just too fucking short. Grow up and try to get s as long for the sake of your children.

Why were you at your Mums this Christmas and not hosting OH’s Mum or with her?

I’m not sure why your DH is getting so much MN stick: your Mum sounds a nightmare.

It’s ‘respite’ not restbite .

I do think it would be good to put your kids in school.

I have a chronic autoimmune condition that often flares up causing a huge amount of pain/fatigue. The absolute last thing I'd do is homeschool a child. I couldn't given them a consistent education and, frankly, need the downtime (albeit that 'downtime' involves working but it's a lot easier than the physical demands of a small child)

Neither Your Mum or your DH sound very nice🫤

What does your husband do during the day?

Your life (and therefore your children’s lives) sounds quite chaotic, what led to the decision to home educate them?

Please send your kids to school.

Not to be unpleasant, but you claim to be home schooling your children but it sounds like that just consists of a lot of playing and social activities. When and what do you teach them? Again, your spelling, grammar and punctuation aren't great so I don't think you're best placed to home educate. Why DON'T your children go to school?

As far the family situation, can't you just ignore your mother's comments or go low contact with her? Your husband is entitled to his own opinions and beliefs. You can't change that so may have to just accept it.

No, school isn't childcare but children make friends there, learn to socialise and more importantly are taught by trained educators who follow a curriculum. Many other skills are learnt in school. If the dc were at school you would be able to rest etc. They would have be educated properly. What happens when your children reach Gcse age? Will you have taught them to the required level to pass maths, English, History, Science and so on. I think we can see the answer is No. The one thing that leaps out at me from your post is that YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO BE ENROLLED IN SCHOOL ASAP. As it is, i expect they are seriously behind especially the 9 year old. Don't do them such a disservice as claiming to home ed them - "bits of learning" just won't do it.

Having read that ridiculous, illiterate OP, I just feel so, so, so sorry for those children.

Not because of the bad writing in the OP, but because of the OP.

Those poor children

I think this too.
Your kids need an education, not your own take on life. They need to be taught a range of ideas and knowledge to be able to choose their own route.
I don't think they're getting this from your post OP.

Seeing as you seem barely literate ffs put your children in school.

Your mum doesnt have to get on with your partner
Your partner doesnt have to get on with your mum
They need never set eyes on each other and thats fine.
However they must both be free to love and support you as you would do with them in a respectful,honest open unhindered way.Point 1
Get your kids in school.Unless they want to be rock climbers for a living which I imagine is hard to pay the rent and put food on their tables for their own families when they are older you are not doing them any good homeschooling them.They need options and choices to grow and every single job wants GCSEs and Alevels or equivelant from a structured education , are you really up to providing them with that? I know I wouldnt be.
I see no reason why mum you and partner cannot sort this mess out. You go about your business with both of them unhindered and never the paths of those two cross.If they loved and respected you both of them then it should work out. Or they could both be grown ups meet each other over a cuppa,thrash out their differences in a calm way,beg to differ and part on terms that would allow you to have the best of both of them and try to find a way forward as a family.

Agree with all of this.